that something

Having a lot of mishaps makes it quite difficult to conclude that this christmas is indeed merry. Two of my friends suffered the loss of their loved ones just before the twenty fifth. It's kind of hard not to feel sad for them- and harder not to imagine such loss in my own life. I was totally clueless how to comfort both of them. Such loss cannot be comforted by words I guess. All I could offer was my being there, hoping that such would somehow bring a sort of comfort. There's no consolation in death; death is a loss that cannot be regained. This is the reason why I never give reasons that would make the death lighter to take. I think such takes away the meaning of the loss- or the lack of it to be more precise. I agree that, perhaps, the best way for a friend to comfort a friend is to distract her- not that you make the person forget about her loss but to reassure her that she has another person who loves her.

If it's not our own "legends" that ultimately makes us persist but our being with other people, what do we do after every soul we love perishes? I can't even picture that- even the quite detached experience of death scares me. What do we hold on to in these relationships that really lasts? I think it's a big challenge for everyone to find this one. I am afraid of the possibility that I don't really have this something with my loved ones. I am afraid that, perhaps, all I have been living for is nothing in the eleventh hour.

It's this something that we look for whenever we fantasize about our own legends but it's quite more pronounced when we're with the people we love. I suggest that we spend more time with our loved ones this christmas. In the end, it's this something that matters I guess not a perfect idea of why we are here.

the ramans do everything in threes

Death. How do you comfort someone who loses a loved one. What do you say? Our lot has been immersed in this life completely clueless as to why. Then we got to have loved ones... then lose them. The old men say it's just the way things are or that there's reason for everything and what not's. But do we just accept them? To be honest, I'm completely clueless. I don't think I can adjust with a loss. What comfort can cover up the hole in another soul? What do you do when a part of you dies? What exactly do those happy people hold dear that enables them to continue their lives. I may know a bit of what to hold onto but I don't think I can continue living my life without the people I love.

I don't know. I dont have a clue. The wise men say the key to things like this lies in our actions. So, it may be a comfort to know that there's a way of overcoming the harshness of this life- that there's something that makes us hold on to it- it's just that we can't know it until it happens to us. Until then, we continue walking our own roads with the people we love. We persist not knowing exactly why. In my case, it's because there's people to care about- my dreams are a plus but their not really among those important things that motivates me. It's that wierd stuff that makes you see life in its grandest colors.

Until lately, what I've been thinkning most is about myself. I've been so preoccupied with how will I be, with how sorry I am for myself, with how this life seems completely meaningless. Mabye it's not exactly about ourselves, maybe it's about other people being a gift to us, of this short life being something wonderful... even for a moment. Maybe we're missing the point thinking that what's more to this life is the stuff that will make everything meaningful. There's that wierd movement of this life's theme that motivates us to cling on to it- to other peeps to be precise.

what went wrong

And no smart ass, it's not about my right arm! Apparently, Andz made it sure that my "dislocation"- as most people I know put it- be known to anyone who read her blog; I don't need to any elaboration. Indeed, I'm famous now for my major klutziness. Ugh, it was really embarassing. Why did I have to go through such a grand fiasco before graduation?! When Jen heard of the guy who got his arm dislocated, She thought the guy was stupid. Two days later I explained everything to her. She concluded that indeed I was being clumsy. Anyway, Thanks the Jollibee people, Sir San Andres (!), to the government emergency people, and to Andz. Super thanks Andz! Thanks to the peeps who worried- or made it seem like they were. Thanks very much!

Ha! I quit wearing the arm sling yesterday because it was attracting too much attention. I was repeating the same story everytime someone asked- sometimes I would gladly add some more drama or comedy just to make "my dislocation" more surreal. It was really frustrating. I took the sling off yesterday- it still hurts a bit though. I'm really having trouble extending my arm sideward and forward. Believe it or not, I'm totally frightened about it falling off my shoulder- I guess the doctor really got into my head.

My arm really got in the way of my schedule too! I was supposed to take our philo exam that (fateful) tuesday when I got this arm popped out of its socket! Because I had to take the exam on wednesday night, I didn't have enough time to study for our history long test! Sana pasado ako!!!

Well now, my right arm is worth three paragraphs. Moving on, the title is of course under the presumption that I've been doing well. I want to talk about friendship. I realize that I'm missing so much happenings to one of my best friend's life. It really frustrates me because for a long time I've (We've) been sort of ignoring him; Ka, Ken, and I have distinct courses but we made sure that from time to time we talk to each other- I mean real talk. I want to think of this as, you know, growth but the more I think of it, the more I'm convinced that the rift is slowly becoming a genuine separation.His blog was about his exacerbated introversion. Back in high school, he wasn't like this at all. He was comfortable with people, especially with us. Maybe I thought he was. I'm led inoto thinking that perhaps it wall of my idea of him: a friend who would always be there like the rest of close friends in highschool. Mabye I was wrong in believing such things; I haven't been working on it. I'm moving beyond Citizen Kane. That's good right?

Friendships need to be worked on- and I perfectly know that. But what do I do when old buds close up on me on the basis of things they don't even want to disclose? This is really hard. A lot more harder with new friends actually- well maybe as hard as those new friends who perpetually tries to expose your insecurities and weaknesses for the sake of their own entertainment. I was like that though, I was bitter- I welcome them to my life though. I'm definitely a newbie when it comes to old friendships being torn assunder.

Time really changes. That WAS a fact for me until now; I am experiencing this change that had been very elusive. I'm so uncertain about almost everything now. Really really wierd stage of my life. The one thing I'm sure though is that I'm welcoming most of these changes- the minor ones at least- and putting my defense down a bit.

I can't believe 2005 is almost over. I'm turning 21 next year- the age I'm dreading; and the era after graduation. Kill me now for counting the days left for school; I will definitely miss Ateneo. Well, all of these are but under the assumption that I will graduate in time.

great flicks

Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros and Breaking The Waves. Probably the two greatest movies I've seen since early this year. I watched the Ang Pagdadalaga yesterday with Ka; Breaking the Waves just this afternoon at school- it's actually for Philo. I didn't get much philosophical musings from the latter, but it's theme about faith really strikes through me- that's definitely a wierd way of putting it. Ang Pagdadalaga is a coming of age flick. It's about pre-teen gay kid growing up in the slums of manila- I think it's somewhere in Sampaloc. Thank God the story covers the slight blunders of the camera, resolution and the sounds- was a very very nice flick despite these. And considering their budget, the movie offers great talents too! Indie films are the way to go for the film industry- big celebrities in dumb stories bore people!

Here's my further thoughts about the movies.

Ang Pagdadalaga was definitely a nice way of depicting how kids mature. Taking a stand for what you believe in and growing out of your family's bounds are just few of the things the film tackles. More than these essential stuff in a coming of age flick, is one's loss of innocence- and then coping with with. I think the scene where the policeman and Maxi was whistling to each other over the window- without them seeing each other- is a nice way of depicting forgiveness and moving forward. The use of poverty, crime and corruption as a background was a smart way of putting things into place. It is definitely a good way of giving colors to the characters by contrasting them to each other or by blending them with with the background. Also, it gives additional flavor to the film. One more thing I noticed is how good the film paves way for real individual characters. There's not a two of the same shade when it comes to the primary characters- not even stereotypes brought about by Philippine Cinema, Thank God. Having a gay kid as the main character also makes the theme lighter to bear- plus it gives face to gay cuture. I like all aspects ot the film: there's comedy, Philippine culture, a sense of social awareness, and the coming-of-age thingy. I hate the resolution and the sounds though. Drastic stuff is a must for people to grow up.

Now, Breaking The Waves is a requirement for Philo. I don't understand why the film has to take almost three hours just to get to what it wants to say. Okay maybe I like propaganda films more than artsy kind of flicks, or that I just don't get the entire flick. Maybe. The movie starts by developing Bess's character- a sort of deranged church woman. Later we see that she's really crazy: she prays to "God" then replies to her own prayers by speaking in a pseudo-God voice. Then she falls in love and sacrifices her self for this love. At the end she dies. Maybe 2 ++ hours is needed to picture the nakedness of the movie. It brings all necessary mundane stuff about her life, thus giving it life. I think the most important scene is when She enters the church, after almost being raped and killed- doned with fishnet stocking and skimpy shiny red shorts, and then voicing out how she doesn't understand what the old man is talking about. The old man speaks about loving words. Bess says that it is by loving another person that... uhm I forget the exact line. She sacrifices- initially the audience would think of this as dellusions- herself for Jan. Later she dies with bells ringing in the heavens. Sweet. Maybe with the latter image, the film shows that her faith is genuine. I'm not quite sure about this though. What strikes me is that her faith is to her level. Maybe it's time we understand life and our faith in God to our level. Imagine an alien having an I.Q. of over 300 understanding us. Wouldn't we be as pathetic?

...

At last it's the weekend! Despite yesterday being a holiday, I am still cramming stuff ranging from the usual tons of readings to org stuff and to carreer stuff. Ugh, you heard that right. I'm actually preparing work stuff like applications and stuff- and oh resume- beats me! I felt stupid seeing that I have more stuff written under "interests" than under "work related experiences". I'm really desperate of employment after grad- hopefully that is, next year. Okay, enough about this post-grad anxiety. It's the weekend, so it's time to de-stress! Hurrah! I've loads of flicks to watch care of Andie- Citizen Kane and Ong Bak among others! Oops! No, no, no. Got some stuff to fix for Celadon's GA/Christmas party tomorrow- the music for the fashion show, the reg forms among other stuff!

I just want to doodle about this wierd experience I had yesterday. I got to call some fifteen peeps yesterday. I felt like an ATM machine repeating the same words to each of these peeps. It's quite a relief after I finished. I' not quite sure whether my shyness exacerbated or otherwise. I'm totally not comfortable talking over the phone- I felt my ear hurting after the thrid person in the list. I admire my sister for enduring an entire two hours over the phone chatting about the ost mundane stuff with her friends. I miss her already.

I feel like philosophizing right now but I feel that I don't have the proper words to articulate my thoughts; I take back my comments about breaking the waves being unphilosophical. I wish I'm eloquent enough to ask my Teach in front of the class. Where do I start thinkning when it comes to freedom and death?

almost awake

I just came back from immersion actually- I still have that notion that what how we see things and how we value stuff are all useless. If you've really seen poverty, you will curse the world for its apathy. We're here in the painted world of what life is. Look at it again! it is but a painting after all. You think its about you dreams- self realization or whatever you wanna call it? Think again brother! Look at them in the eye and you realize how sinful you've become! We've reduced them to be apart of the stench of the city- the sewers, the dirt. Look at the world! Look at it! You'll be surprised how shollow you've become!

Watch a couple of american coming of age movies and you'll know what I mean. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! We're missing a lot. We're missing share in this responsibility! We are missing the fact that we're on the zenith of civilization only because we're at the top of a heap of corpses. Freak! Heartache?! You don't know anything about it? Stop your useless musings over stuff of your own imagination! You are not looking very closely!

I'm not reducing the world to such reality. I need it to slap people awake of their reverie. There's no God out there people! Wake up! See the eyes of the oppressed and preserve that picture in your head. I will do just that. I won't forget. I promise.

...

It's not an inspired doodle I know; I want it to be bare- to be as dumb as how people convinces themselves about the reality of the picture they paint for themselves. I'm really not the emotional type, especially when writing, but I get to feel the same intensity of truth- I don't have another word for it- articulating this experience of the poor. I admire those fellow students who were eloquent enough to grasp this truth. I listened carefully to every words you uttered.

I'm afraid, though, that this one would be another promise not kept- joining the hundred of others I never have kept. Words are cheap unless played out- and I'm not so good at that! It has to do with freedom- but this is not about my volition but the orientation I want to take. Teach said that this is where grace comes into play- and I see some truth to this in my own experience. So, please grant me the strength- if my will to go this path is but vanity of my own becoming, show me where should I go. Please.

imbibed iconoclasm

It's a long weekend and it's supposed to be a good one. You get to do lots of important stuff like catching up with the times, the books you've been wanting to read, readings to get and done with, org stuff, etc.

But I didn't get to do all those stuff. I devolved again to my indolent self. I was the perfect embodiment of a sloth! I didn't go to the org bazaar, didn't attend my afternoon tutoring session. It was my plan to stay focused this last sem, and I'm totally disgusted with how I spent the weekend. I'm not expecting the best grades. I just want to really get the most out of my courses this last sem. Thank God tomorrow's a holiday, I can certainly catch up.

There's nothing earth-shaking to inspire me writing lately. I think I'm too comfortable with how things are. Not that I don't have issues, but I already have notions on how to deal with them. This illusion of foresight gives me a sense of comfort. I don't know whether to be thankful or to be agitated because all of these only happen in only my head.

Thankfully enough, classes I've had offer radical stuff, most of them anyway. In a way, I can preoccupy myself with things directed outward. Unfortunately, however, I didn't really learn new things. I can definitely be well-versed in those questions I've had since childhood, but ask me new issues and I promise I'd look like an idiot.

...

We had our grad pic taken last Friday. I was desperately in need of company then. It's weird that I didn't feel weirded out at all by all those people- and, I barely knew anyone. And, I didn't feel isolated. I spotted some course-mates to hang out with. My rather unusual convivial tendencies kicked in. They were probably either annoyed or surprised. I can't believe I was there with people I'm not really close to. It was fun nonetheless.

Readings are already piling up so I better start right away. Ciao!

think erin brockovich

Second week of the last semester. It's as if a lot days have gone into the semester already. We're nearing graduation. It's something to dread and to look forward to. While most blogs I got to read recently are preoccupied with meaningful friendships they've had, mine uniquely exudes a tinge of bitterness. It's as if I never enjoyed it. I guess I never got to feel the same high with friends. But there are those exceptional people who I'm sure I'd stay in touch with past graduation.

It's almost Thursday. Hours from now will be the quiz for Theo. I'm a bit antsy about it and I still haven't reviewed my notes. I call this productive procrastination. I'll start in half an hour. We had recitation on history yesterday and I didn't read for it. Luckily, it turned out to be an open recitation. I was totally relieved. Got four chapters to munch for tomorow for that same class.

Got trouble about my ACP! I really want to go to subic despite my friends' desertion. But I can't because we're about to have our immersion this Friday as well. Ugh! I want to go to subic! I opt not to go to my immersion, but then I'd miss out on a lot. Please move the date for immersion! I'm a bit afraid about the immersion thing. I don't know if I can really live with the poor. I know I want to - to know their plight, to know their lives, to learn from them. But I don't feel comfortable at all to get out of my comfort zone. Need some serious psyching-up to do.

...

What people need now is liberation theology. Lots of experts trying to marry the world with social concerns. Why don't they try to change these structures instead? I'm not taking out the fact that, maybe by marrying the two, they may change the structures. But is this kind of development enough? It is still subjected to greed. An maybe that's what bugs me. Maybe that's the most difficult thing to remove.

Rizal was shot dead despite his dissension with Bonifacio's revolution. He's our national hero. Going beyond sarcasm, maybe there's other reasons why he's such. Another thing, elections have never been orderly in the Philippines. Tejeros convention. Losers always complain. Even in college, this kind of mentality exists. Some even run for positions of authority after losing an election. Pathetic losers. The republic formed by Aguinaldo killed Bonifacio. This is the birth of our beautiful republic. Going beyond pessimism and skepticism, we are next in line. We better fix things up.

...

Got to watch Goblet of Fire last Saturday. It was not at all that great compared to the last three movies! A lot of important details weren't included! Peeps argue that taking out some details was necessary in making the movie. But some character development necessary for the next movie wasn't included! Even Fudge and Dumbledore's disagreement wasn't shown! And, only one dragon?! What about Percy's obsession with the ministry? And Ludo Bagman?! And I swear, the Quidditch world cup didn't go beyond a minute! Even Moody's sort of mentor-ship was not developed properly. They fixed everything up in the dialogues. Ugh, even Fleur and Viktor didn't have proper sentences to deliver. I probably have lots of peeps agreeing with this. It's Harry Potter so I still like it.

I was out with Ka and Ken last Saturday! It was really tiring spending the entire afternoon at school, night at the theaters and a friend's house, and the first three hours of morning in a cafe and a park. I was out until 3 am of Sunday. Get me a real life.

Oh, the title is not related to the entry at all. It was the prevalent feeling I had hours ago. I recommend it to anyone feeling lost. Heh!

almost bbye college

It's the last stretch of my college life. It's a bit depressing. I've spent some 17 years in school. And now I'm preparing for the so-called "real" world. Yes, we're supposed to be living in a kind of bubble right now that will burst soon.

Teachers seem promising this semester. All courses seem quite challenging actually. I don't want to jump into conclusion, but this sem seems to offer a real studying, fit for an ending of my college career. I'm hoping for the best since this is the last stretch. I really want to learn. Classmates seem to be nice too. I know a number of peeps from all of my classes. I got to be classmates with a number of them during the previous sems.

I don't have the usual tons of readings yet so I opted to blog. So here I am. I'm thinking of writing down notes here actually. Maybe when I get to try thinking about lectures regularly I'd get, more or less, an entire course. All of my subjects, excluding the one non-core and required course, seems interesting enough for me to do this kind of thing. Heh, a plan once again. Maybe this time I'll push through with this.

...

It still fascinates me how Mr. de Jesus fluently details essays, especially Gabriel Marcel's. I didn't notice the transition of the type of reflection from first to second paragraph, and the idea of not having value because of chance being the ultimate player in the world. I thought it was death that makes everything else worthless. Eventually - this is a guess 'coz we haven't discussed this part yet - the image of death makes freedom an essential ingredient in being in the world. We also have a Hemmingway story for next lecture, "A Clean and Well-Lighted Place". We've read that in Philo 102 but I still don't understand it fully.

Ok, another random lecture point. Evangelization must include both preaching about spiritual and worldly salvation and freedom. Liberation theology yun. I totally agree though. And I totally get it right away the first time the teacher talked about it. That's one of my weakest points. Tt's always about agreeing to something in order to learn it. Argh. Anyway, to do this, the Christian must participate in the world because it is through this that he can proclaim God's offer of salvation to mankind.

lila / lyla

This final semester seems to promise a good end for my college life. I'm taking intermediate Nihonggo, a good teacher in Philo or Religion (i.e. Miguel De Jesus) and Theo (Si Bobby Guev!). And yes, another history class. I like history. About Nihonggo, I'm still thinking about shifting out. Seniors will end this sem early. I'm think that it won't be worth it if the teacher will give us heavier load since we're ending earlier. About philo, I heard he has his quizzes every week. I wonder if I can deal with that properly. There's a lot to doubts about this sem and I can't change most of my courses too easily. Hehe!

Anyway, Goblet of fire!!! Right now I'm reading through stuff in the net about the film: interviews, behind the scenes and all other stuff. I'm definitely watching it next weekend, And! I'm rereading Goblet of Fire! Other flicks to look forward to are The Legend of Zorro, Memoirs of Geisha, Chronicles of Narnia, and Chicken Little! I need to hoard up monies to finance my trips to the movies.

...

Read through this entry or google it to find the title's meaning. I think it's something like "world-illusion" in Mayan beliefs or Hindu. Better yet, listen to Oasis's song Lyla- I think it's somehow related to this word. It's definitely a wow for the band if they intended such connection.

It's one of those days when I feel this weird nauseous feeling. It's not that I want to physically puke, being disgusted at things I see. It's more like a psychological desire to dismiss everything I see. The feeling's kind of related to boredom but it's more than that. It's more like everything seems too much on their own. It's when the world seems to perform a weird show. You notice it and you feel that you're part of it. And then you feel weird, thinking "what then?" after your behold this weirdness.

Now, convince me that this is normal. Does anyone have a proper word for it?

If you happen to encounter anything like this, I recommend that you immediately get a nice book, sit down somewhere comfy then read read read. This practice works for me whenever I get it. Retching about whether physically or mentally won't help. And it's mentally disturbing. I mean, I tried doing it a couple of times- regretting it twice after seeing my face all red and my eyes popping out.

I don't think anyone's given a proper term for this phenomenon. So, I hereby name it lila, something akin to mind-fuck. Hehe! What's bothering me is that I get to feel a separation from the "show" the illusion despite me being part of it. I'm thinking the gods may just be part of this lila after all. Don't they have that same syndrome?

That feeling which seems to point out that people are doing what they are supposed to do- and that I don't want to be part of this play. But I am anyway. That's Lila. In the song, the world around us make me feel so small. Lyla, if you can't hear me call, then what do you say? Maybe the antithesis to Lila is Lyla. One will have to point out the phenomenon.

grades and the future

I got my grades Monday. While everyone was antsy whether they got grades beyond B's, I was preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and worries on where to transfer. I was thinking worst-case scenarios, which is classic coming from me. Luckily, I got my usual grades. They're in my usual range, decent enough range. I was surprised to see that I actually passed all of the courses I took that sem. And that I didn't get a single D! I really thought I failed two courses in sum. I'm formally a C+ student. I know that this sucks but I do feel relieved.

I didn't get to study a lot last semester, specially for this one major course that disgusts me. A friend called it abominable, and I couldn't agree more, I'm a bit upset about Ethics class though. If only I got to submit the final paper in time, I could've gotten a B+. I still recommend Sir David though. He's really brilliant, a bit repetitive but brilliant. I'm actually planning to buy two of Foucault's books despite their exorbitant prices.

Tomorrow's reg for the second semester. I'm begging the universe to please give me the right teachers. I don't want another Rosana or Dacanay for my core subjects. I really don't perform well under strict by-rote intellectualism or super lame lectures!

Ugh, I used the word "perform". I hate that. People, especially in our favorite panoptical institution (i.e. the school), tend to equate individuals to efficiency. Is that really all we get to be thought of? There's no denying though that after we exit school, the world judge us through efficiency. We are things traded by those in higher circles of power in this society. Then again this is may be a self-imposed problem. Legitimizing a particular world that we are only about to enter is a bit of a premature schizophrenia.

Anyway, nothing really has caught my attention lately. No movies or books to obsess about. The most exciting aspect of the sembreak was hanging out with friends and reading the newspaper. You wouldn't believe how much I read the daily. I read everything from the front page to the editorial and opinions! I can't do these things on a regular semester. Nothing's been too amazing lately- no ups and downs. Just limbo. Oh wait! There's one, my sister left for Canada and that we made peace before she left- but that's a month ago.

And I remember another one. A semi-awesome and frightening thing that's been happening to our apartment is that my mom is slowly emptying the house, leaving behind just my stuff! I was surprised to see our big cabinet half empty! My sis and I used to share it. The half empty cabinet still freaks me out.

And oh! Someone texted me to activate my alumni membership! My God! Are you people that excited to kick us out of our beloved school? It seems as if various forces are conspiring, forcing me to grow up. I already told you that I'm prepared but can't you slow everything down even for a bit?

...

Now, in terms of frustrations form other worldy stuff, we need relief! Speaking of relief, Goblet of Fire is up next week! Eeek! I'm too excited seeing previews of the flick in almost all channels! Waah! I'm thinking about watching it wednesday night- the premiere night! I'm thinking about watching it twice actually! Saturday will definitely be a day with my high school gang! Wahaha! I'm super excited! This is a relief from the boredom I experienced through out the sem break. Hehe!

samhain

It's the time of the year again. I remember way back in early high school when I was trying so hard to comprehend witchcraft, as in the stupendous theories on how it works and its how-to's. I remember buying tons of books even online. This eventually led me to studying quite a bit about the occult and new age movement in general, from the Lemegenton to the Kabbalah to Wicca.

I've probably wasted 2 years of my high school life reading about these bizare and probably useless stuff. I feel that I could have used those times studying literature or any other useful stuff academically. Then again, it was fun reading ludicrous spells, enchantments, charms, and what-not's.

Anyway, why do I always have to drag to this blog all my residual feelings of resentment? It's always either about dragging the past to center stage or rightfully claiming that I'm moving forward. Why's that? Haha!

Okay. I've change my mind. It was sort of a blessing that I got to study the occult - well, it's not exactly "occult" these days. It lead me to study philosophies behind beliefs. Witchcraft and all those new age stuff are after all beliefs. Maybe I did feel a bit smarter after reading about them.

If you've read any of these stuff, you'll notice that some traditions point to mysticism in certain religions and philosophies of the Greeks, before Christians came into the scheme of things. Those were the things I eventually got interested in. Then came The Solitaire Mystery. A glassful of fizzy drink anyone? Then college Philo.

...

I do have another important thing to write about. It's about the "dinner" I had yesterday with my high school friends that turned out a bit sad. It was the usual four again: Me, Ken, Nes, and Ka. Everyone else was doing something more important? Ugh, what could be more important than us? Like having your routine trip to the salon? It was unfair San that you chose your routine "beautification" over your friends! Hehe! Just kidding! The four of us had fun regardless of of the rest's abaence. I swear I can talk to these guys for an hours. And yes we spent six hours planning reunions, criticizing movies, and the usual non-sense. It was really relaxing to be with them. I really regret that I only have a handful of people in college I can be comfortable with.

On other news, I've been having a hard time doing the evaluation for my flockies (read: Celadon thingy). I wasn't able to talk my flock the last month or last sem! Now, I'm having trouble evaluating them. Hell, I don't even know the projects they joined. And (!) The evaluation document is a bit confusing. Tt needs serious revisions for next year. This is panoptical torture! And, it goes both ways. Anyway, I'm excited about the bands performing for the Christmas party! This project should be exciting.

obviously i'm bored

I know this would sound something directly pulled out of my Ethics notes. But I also know this would really describe the phenomenon of blogging.

It's about Foucault's way of expanding freedom by writing essays. More than expanding the framework to which we appropriate our thoughts, writing (blogging) here seems to legitimize that framework. This is exactly why people tend to use their blogs as channel for catharsis. And emotions are but reactions based on built-in constructs (notions) of the world engraved deep in our consciousness. In short, there's only a few people around the blogosphere who really writes essays. I mean real essays. Ergo, no one really grows in this kind of environment. People only justify - by mere description - what they think about the events in their lives.

That's really sad. My first motivation for writing is to find ways to grow. Well, more than overcoming my fear of exposure and acquiring more err.. confidence, I thought about expanding my own "framework" so that I'll be more "wise" in a sense. But I have been doing the exact opposite! It's not that this is bad, it's just that all of my entries have been about how I feel and think about stuff. They were never not about understanding the motivations for having those thoughts or feelings. I haven't been writing real essays.

But of course you can contradict me; that blogging itself is not about such, that it's just about plain doodle of whatever peeps want to write about. Hell, that's exactly what I've been describing. This blogging phenomenon is exactly "whatever" (i.e. nonsense). Save for some few, most peeps write about whatever, which is their thoughts and feelings plainly written, not understood. Hell, we don't even write about issues in politics or any other social stuff. Then again, this is democracy after all.

...

Well, read the title of this entry. I haven't been doing stuff these past few days. And it's only two days into this sem-break. I failed to wake up 600 in the morning to jog in 2 days. Neither have I started on the books I scheduled to read. The only thing I look forward to is the weekends with my high school friends. Oh, and later, Corpse Bride! I'm also thinking about buying a PC game to fill the total ennui the succeeding days have for in store me. Any ideas?

And, I'm doing it again. Vanity, the curse of blogging.

not exactly

The semester's not yet done yet. I have to defend a project tomorrow. Thanks to a series of unfortunate events that happened.

Yesterday could've been the real start of the break. It's not even about the excitement of vacation that make me so irritate. It's because I'm probably getting the lowest grades ever for this semester. The last month of this sem is the worst in my entire college life.

I'm probably out of vocabulary because of that 21-page paper I submitted yesterday. Preceding entries probably contain the same phrases. Even words get exhausted because of all these ordeals. Oh well, I don't have any word that refers to this kind of madness anyway.

...

It's been more than a week since my last entry. I'm just clearing my blog of cobwebs that's all. Aside from all these school-related tribulations, I had to deal with some personal stuff during the last two weeks.

I finally made it up with my sister the day before she flew for Canada. The university is in Ontario. University of Toronto. Where did I get Oregon anyway?! Is it even in Canada? The hell, anyway this isn't my point. Peace with ate at last. It was after the abominable Proj. Mgt. exam, which I think I'm flunking, that I got to talk to her. It was weird. She even told me I was being too emotional about her leaving. Duh, it will be for some 5 years. And that even depends on whether she would want to stay there for good or otherwise. The important thing is I managed to salvage my being a brother to her. And yep, I was quite maudlin about everything else that night. I can't believe I'm doodling this down.

The other thing was all the bustle about fixing this place. In a few week's time, living alone will be a reality. My reality. Just this morning - and late afternoon - I was moving the furniture around. And the necessary OCfication of my other stuff followed. You wouldn't believe the trash I've gathered from school. There were the papers I got to use this sem - especially the SCM slides - I really hate that subject err.. with passion. Anyway, I'm thinking about repainting the walls.

There's a lot of worries but I guess I can live alone. I just started organizing stuff so that'll continue for several days. I really want to change how things are placed in this house. I want to feel new before the second sem starts.

So, that's about it apropos the past few days. I plan to jog everyday after tomorrow - maybe swim - and just hang out with my high school gang. I'll probably help out fixing stuff in Nova. And oh, I'm having a list of what to read this sem break. Andz, don't worry Donnerjack's in the list. I can return it next sem. And movies, movies, and more movies! I'm now fantasizing about watching the Corpse Bride! Ka! Hurry your school stuff so we can catch it this weekend!

still growing up

Last two weeks were the most hellish weeks of all hell weeks I've ever had in my entire college life! It would take me 2 whole days to recount every sordid detail. And It would probably be mortifying anyway when I get to read this months from now.

Aside from the usual tons of school work, I kept having my occasional emotional breakdowns. Oh shut up! I'm dealing with it quite okay lately. I think listening to music really helps. I've been listening to new songs for the past 5 days to lighten the mood. And yes I can play however loud I want to since sister is not studying anything anymore. I finally found another remedy for heartbreaks aside from chocolates. *slaps himself suddenly*

Anyway, let's continue trudging. Perhaps that's the proper word for what I'm feeling. I'm hoping for a good ending. So I better pay attention so everything will not end in heartaches and broken promises. It really feels like I only half-want what I was aiming for. Is it an imagined glory or perhaps a true dream? I really don't know.

I will be living alone in a week's time. I'm quite excited but also afraid. Sister is leaving for Canada, while mother and father will go back again to Taiwan, and Manang to our house in Nova. This is all going too fast. But maybe it's necessary for my growth. This is it, I'm really about to enter adult life. I need to learn some more lessons fast. I really need some help from up there. I can't imagine coming home from school or work only to be greeted by silence and still air. I've been thinking a lot about this.

...

And no this entry doesn't come down to the paragraph above. Yesterday, we had our last ISA class with Mr. Maguyon. I really appreciate his warm parting remarks. I never thought CS teachers were capable of warmth, let alone communicating their feelings. Nah, just kidding. We're going to miss him definitely. He's forming this club for public speaking next semester I think. I just thought about doodling about it. I guess the gesture just reminded me of how teachers are really mentors. I miss my favorite high school teacher.

panicky morning

Just when I thought this week's horror is finally over after yesterday's mayhem, my partner in a project due on Monday got sick. And he told me just minutes ago! He told me the doctors think he contracted Dengue. I'm not blaming him of course, I blame myself and the mosquitoes! Damn the blood suckers! Damn it! I could have gone with him to the company yesterday but he wouldn't let me. He said he's the only one allowed in the company because it was his sister who's employed there.

I couldn't help but blame myself for not being too convivial enough to get a group before last week. Ugh, the world hates me and I can feel its loathsome stare at this very instant.

Luckily though I have tons of chocolates to comfort me, care of mother and father. I got to eat a box this morning instead of eating a proper breakfast. Nope, it's not a lot. The box only has five pieces wrapped in a gold and silver aluminum foil. It's really ridiculous to see such ornately designed sweets. I mean people are concerned with the taste not with how it's wrapped. And, the box is large enough to contain 15 pieces of the same kind.

The world is insane that's why it hates me.

Moving on, Om invited me to judge a talent show organized by their org yesterday. He actually asked me Tuesday before that. I got carried away and agreed on it. The succeeding days got me thinking about the qualifications to be a judge. I only have had too small experience on such things. I was convinced I could do it because he had too much confidence in me. I, on the other hand, had too little. So I refused to go. I excused myself by saying that I had to e-mail a project stuff to my partner. It was true of course. Nonetheless, I could have gone if I really wanted to.

I'll probably start with some Philo readings today. I'll get to finish at least two books by tomorrow. Then the Theo thesis statements, then the set of exercise for Supply Chain. The panopticon is reinforced and I'm so motivated today.

I hope things would get better soon. I'm running out of chocolates.

friday fiasco

I don't have the guts to face the class after our horrid presentation. I just came out of my Poli Sci class short of crying. It's beyond horrible really. It was a lame puppet show by college students. Que horror. Cringe fest! We procrastinated, yes, but I can't believe it was that bad. I was holding every tidbit of emotion a while back. But not now that I'm in Faura Lab, I can spill every drop of puke I've been holding back. I'm going to obsess about the grand fiasco.

I don't feel that bad. Dianne, on the other hand though, suffered a paroxysm of resentment and mortification. I think she's aiming for an A. I do too but I'm okay with a B or a B+-. Please get me a B+. We figured it best not have classes with our Poli Sci classmates next semester. "Oh you were in that group with the puppets." No, we don't want that!

I feel bad about disappointing our teacher. She seemed genuinely interested in our presentation initially. Also, most people in the group have an A or B+ standing. She was expecting something brilliant from us. I feel like I could have done better to prove myself.

Yes, I still feel good ending this week. I couldn't pull everything off quite brilliantly though because there were a lot to do! Yes, I could've scheduled every moment but - oh okay - why didn't I? Our Theo presentation yesterday went a little better than the one I had this morning. It's still a bad one though. Damn the audio system in SS AVR! Despite these, I had fun in with my group mates for both Poli Sci and Theo.

...

Now, on with the good news!

Parentals will be home for some weeks. I think they're preparing everything before my sister gets to fly to Canada next week. They will miss her definitely. Even Manang told me she'll miss my sister despite her.. oh well. Regardless of our open war, I think I'll be missing her contribution to the burgeoning noise pollution care of our neighbors.

I'll be prepare living alone for some five years. Well, make it forever. We'll see about independence. I will get to cook for myself, wash the clothes, clean the house, etc. I feel like growing up again. That won't happen right away though. And I'm okay with the prevailing state of things.

I'd love to try independence. I really have a lot of catching-up to do with fellow kids in that aspect of maturity. I'd like to try living alone. I want to live, experience everything I haven't done before. I want to learn about life the way my mother and father did, maybe even more than they did.

together yet separate

It's quite ironic that you get a pang of separation once you picture in your head how you are situated in the world. It doesn't happen often now, probably because I am incessantly inundated with concerns of the world. It would be proper to be glad about it, but I feel otherwise.

That's perhaps the reason why I rationalize too much the inanities in my life. Maybe I'm trying to run away from the real world by trivializing it. Perhaps viewing everything as something separate from myself would help me fool myself and hide what I really feel. And it sucks big time.

I wouldn't say it was about the damned exam or being the only person without a group yet, or chemical imbalance from the tons of chocolates I ate yesterday. No. Although I can say that these things forced me have same withdrawal time and again, that pubescent anxiety.

I am. Together yet separate. Holding back yet moving forward. Known yet invisible. I am a paradox. Even in its most casual sense, how you understand the phrase depends on how you see yourself and what you behold.

I haven't done any of my assignments. I feel so unmotivated.

I envy people with eyes intent on their paths, like the ones you see on the streets who don't care too much about what's happening around. They're the ones who seem to have definite destinations. Whereas I, when walking with this same crowd, take glimpses of their faces, admire them, and then move on aimlessly.

Then again, it's probably my frustration because I do sense some general direction. I realize that I always end my entries with this kind of dichotomy. A fascinating contradiction.

saturday means school

As the title says, I spent yesterday in school. It was all group work the whole day. I had to meet my POS group mates in the morning and my Theo group in the afternoon. All in all, I think I only got an hour to eat my lunch. Luckily, Cez entertained me for an entire hour. Otherwise, I would have had to eat in total silence and solitude. My groups for both subjects were not the serious type so I really enjoyed working with them.

The morning Poli Sci meeting was fun. Aside from the laughter-inducing remarks on our everyday college life, we got to talk about how we were supposed to present our report, creatively. Our ideas went from wearing Muslim attire to mimicking the Abu Sayaff to presenting a sort of Oprah show. Our teacher assigned Muslim Succession (Philippine context) as our topic.

The first idea was an exhibit. We thought about showing pictures in different booths then explaining them. We thought it would be brilliant to pose as statues per booth too when we get to explain it. One of us would be animated to report everything about the pictures. I actually like the idea of pretending to be terrorists, brandishing M16 and holding it to my teacher's head. We thought about mimicking gunfire as the class enters the dark room, then all of a sudden we're holding or dragging our teacher to the podium for everyone to see. All that before we get on with the actual report.

Fine. Writing about them is so NOT funny. I wonder why we laughed so hard about those ideas. It's the third that I like most. One of us would be impersonating Oprah or our local Kris Aquino. Her guests would be Nur Missuarri and Hashim Salamat. Then they would be responsible for discussing details of our report. I think we agreed on what to do, I just forgot what it was.

Then there's lunch. We were supposed to do a sort of soap opera to present our short story. We had to film in short. I was getting quite panicky about not having the script to be used later in the afternoon. Luckily, my group mates were not that mad seeing that I didn't have the script. Hubert, who I confuse with Aubert all the time, and I wrote everything down. It was really cool seeing group mates having fun filming the short story despite the rain and general fatigue. We failed to finish all the scenes yesterday. We got to shoot 5 out of 7 scenes. I hope Rosana would be satisfied. It was a story about commitment.

I was expecting a get-together with Ka and Ken again but I figured to just get home and rest. It turned out that Ken was tired too and Ka was grounded. I got home around 7 and found my sister all dressed up. She was about to leave for a reunion with her high school friends. I was rather all happy about having the house for myself yesterday. It was all quiet. I dozed off in no time.

week in recount

It's been a week already since my last update. Hell of a week as usual and I never had the time to doodle. I have had a lot inspiration lately. It would have made a nice entry. But workload from school won't let that happen. This week wasn't really a hell week. It's actually the bum week with the exception of two exams and my everyday heaps of ridiculous readings for Ethics class.

Saturday. Party with the kids we were tutoring in Kaingin. It was really fun seeing their grannies do the Ocho-ocho. It was not a usual tutoring day. It was a party and everyone was in a cheerful mood. I got to laugh a lot. I rarely have a laugh with the Kaingin crowd. So that should be good.

I always wonder if the kids benefit from our tutoring. Are we just trying to convince ourselves that we're actually helping. Social justice through education. Honestly, I think what we're doing's very small. I don't see palpable gain on their part.

Ka phoned me about the coffee later at ten with Ken. After his month-long tour throughout Europe I thought it's about time he shares his adventure. I was really excited. After some four hours waiting, we went to Starbucks Binondo - Somebody should kill me now. I've been there twice this month now. And I'm already skint! I mean real skint! I had to borrow money from mother. - Anyway, Ken showed us pictures of The Louvre, Amsterdam, and Rome. I really want to get there someday. Oh, they - with his cronies I guess - also went to Polland, where the mansion in the movie Sound of Music stood. His friends were all excited to explore the mansion but he wasn't. He had no idea what The movie was about. He showed us the place where the I am Sixteen was sang.

Ka shoved me some movies. And I got to watch everything last Tuesday, rather than reading the tons of Philo readings for the following lecture day. They were Erin Brocovich, Adaptation, and Love Actually. They were all good, especially the first one. Now, whenever I feel down, I just think Erin Brocovich! Haha! I wonder if Ka's somehow manipulating me with the movies she lends. I really need the lessons in the movies - like when she lent me Shawshank Redemption - among other movies. I'm sure I'm making this all up.

Monday was spent on nothing at all. Naturally I procrastinated studying for Theo and Supply Chain later that night. And my gulay did I regret this! I was totally lost on our Theo exam, bordering helplessness. And just don't talk about the Supply Chain exam. I definitely sucked at it. I'm doomed basically. So, right after that I had those three movies to comfort me. Ugh, get me a life.

I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday that I got to hang out at the Celadon table. I was rather shocked to see this usually meek friend exploding. I mean it's a cat-fight! This is high school all over again: complication and everything else about love and friendship. It was immature but cute in a way. Really funny seeing at least two cat fights this week. One's in a thread of e-mails and one live. This is entertainment!

And just when I finished entertaining myself with the movies, I realized that there's a quiz the next day. The usual Maguyon quiz. I got lazy and decided to study the morning after. Nothing quite radical happened this week. I was rather disappointed though 'coz I usually find something worth writing about every week.

Oh, yesterday Ms. Rosana finally got into classmates' head yesterday. Finally, people started genuinely articulating their thoughts. See, it's usually the pretty girl (i.e. drunk barbie) to my left who gets recite every time Ms. Rosana would require the class to participate. I guess it was the topic that stimulated people. It was about the concept of promise (of forever) that is in question. I could have formed a heartbreak club right then and there. Poor me never got to participate. Yes, my love life has never been resurrected after it died in high school.

downtime beybeh

Yeah. It's just one of those weekends that I utterly feel down. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel insufficient. I feel that I've let people down. I mean, I don't even have that five-year plan. And I'm already in my final college year. I really have to do something fix myself. I really try. It just seems that every move I make proves either not enough or frustrated by usual vices. If only I have been someone else, it would be a whole lot easier.

Yes, I don't have that five-year plan the guidance counselor asked me about. I do know what I want to do though. So I guess that's beacon of light somewhere far off in the horizon. But, still, I don't really know how to get there. And right now, with how I perform and everything, I don't think I can get to where I want to be. It's so frustrating.

I have hope. I do sense some blessedness. And I'm genuinely grateful. For one, I never planned to live after 18. And I'm here. My only chance of getting something really meaningful out of this life is to get to where I want to be. And I'm no where near that. It's just a problem - a frustrating one - but I'm no way near despairing.

It's just me holding myself back. At least I'd like to think of it that way. I have so many fears, insecurities, and vices. They make each step toward my goal difficult. I can work hard to get there. I'd like to think that way.

meanies should die

Project Management class two hours from now. I thought I'd write about the entire week that just happened and rant about it:

I hate the slightest condescension from anyone. People can be clueless that they're obsessing on every possible encomium they decorate themselves with. It's paltry and pathetic. The slightest air and I'm irritated, almost wanting to pluck their eyes out. I've been with such people lately.

Second musing. This one's a give away. Why the hell would cellphones have foul mouths? You shoo away people then you wonder why they hate you. Puerile. I am patient when it comes to friends. But smiling the next day after a fight usually freaks me out. Don't for a second think that the entire world needs you, that people beg for some favors from you, That you are being used or whatever.

Third. It just gets too strong sometimes, that same anxiety I had back in high school. The same search for a comfortable place. Good people are indeed rare. I had a hard time liking it here during the first 2 years of college. I hated most people I met. Now, I found good ones. I'm off to a new road in a few months. I feel that I've built those ties too late.

Fourth. It's hard to find a decent person to talk to. I know it takes time for bonds to get strong. But it just seems to impossible no matter how I try to reach out. I am a part-time introvert but I try anyway. And I'm beginning to get tired. Really tired.

Maybe 20 does something to everyone. You've worn a mask for so long that you just can't take it off. I don't feel isolated anymore. It's just that I can't climb those high walls that some of these people I really get to like have built around them.

...

Philo class was super this afternoon. I can listen to Father David non-stop for hours. He talked about how power shapes/controls individuals; that we are in prison ultimately because we unconsciously think we should behave, think, etc, etc, in certain ways prescribed by the powers-that-be. That's why Psychology seems so powerful because we find it crucial for explaining ourselves and the world. It determines what should be.

Hearing him talk about everything else is way more profound that summarizing major points in these gaudy lines.

monday

I kept thinking it would be the worst group work I would have this semester. I would never be on the same wavelength. I was a pariah. They've been a group since summer for practicum.

I noted that I'd remember every detail of this group work, especially the bad ones for future grim party anecdotes. I thought it would also get me some equally grim inspiration for writing another blog entry. But no, I really enjoyed most of the group work. I had fun even with some of their jokes - and that never happened before. Luckily the geeky boy band wasn't complete (batch mates call them techie boys). I would have probably sulked in a corner and curse on corn otherwise.

...

I watched Sky High yesterday with Ka. Bad movie. She told me Ken just arrived from Germany last Thursday and he has no time for us. He's probably turned into a German sociopath? Not that Germans are sociopaths. It's just that when I think of Germans I think of sociopaths.

We had some coffee afterwards at Starbucks Binondo, as per usual, and talked about random stuff. We still don't have the 5-year plan that my guidance counselor recommended. That was what we mostly obsessed about.

*students fill the lab now - a bit noisy* I have to go to get my envelope from Char. Crap, I totally forgot about Muslim secessionism. My POS group mates must me reading about it now. I should too, Wah!!! And I'm up for recitation tomorrow for Ethics class, but I haven't read a single page of Foucault! Crap!

the middle car

LRT Katipunan station has two staircases leading to the same platform going to Recto. The first set of stairs leads to the head-end of the train, while the second leads to the tail-end. Most of the people I got to ride the train with often go down the first set of stairs. But I always take the second. I always make sure to take a seat inside the last car.

Tonight, I took a seat in the middle car. And this is a big deal.

...

I just got home actually. After the Amazing Inter-department Race, which was the coolest thing this week, I got to watch Bayan Bayanan. It was a play about OFWs in Switzerland. Org mate Retcher told me they were required to watch it. And, since Ka and I figured there were no movies up in theaters worth watching, I thought it would be a nice filler for Friday night.

The play was initially funny, with boisterous humor and some genuine laughter from the crowd. It eventually gets into each character's story, gathering depth and showing that their notion of "Bayan" is but a respite from the emptiness each one feels beyond it.

Finding a home or sanctuary, that's what I think the play's main theme is about. It's not so much a tedious case for patriotism, like how glorious the country is or what-not. Rather, it's about how one finds a home or family with fellow Pinoys abroad, attributing that feeling to Bayan, that warm feeling of belonging.

That's what the play highlights throughout its duration. The sense of love, familiarity, and family have been developed little by little. The characters either acknowledges, criticizes, escape, or even renounce all together these basic things that everyone really tries to find. The sense of nation or bayan conjures all these feelings.

Near the end of the play, the "prostitute" tries to dismiss the others' melancholy born from their desire to go back to the Philippines - home. She dismisses it as weakness and immaturity. It hit me right away. I was like that. She's the one ironically being immature because she denies herself such belonging by denying her need for it. So she tries on to find it with one night stands to put it plainly, which could be a form of love and belonging for her. She mocks others' desire for belonging by glorifying her own coping mechanism, declaring it to be glorious, wise, practical and mature. I mean I don't sleep around. Haha! But I get that a lot, covering your weaknesses with feigned strength.

...

On other news, Amazing Inter-department Race was fun! Thanks to everyone who helped us. To the volunteers, thank you very much! I want to congratulate Char and Ivan for their hard work!

Participants really enjoyed the race. Myreign even pointed out that the clues were cool! Wahahaha! That really made my day! Comments about the project have been good so far! Anyway, even before our congratulatory moments at Manang's, I already had that insane feeling of happiness after seeing teams running around the campus figuring out my clues. I mean those were my clues! It was extremely rewarding to see people playing your game.

Once again thanks everyone!

...

Thursday aftermath. I was really feeling down after that Project Management midterm. I feel that I really failed. Big time. I think I missed about 4 items in the last part, which weigh some 35 percent of the final score. Group study was useless. Andie poo, I'm really sorry about going to your dorm that Thursday afternoon. It really was a bad idea. And, Come on! In the real corporate world, we will definitely have more time solving Cost and Duration estimates for projects anyway. I bet even the teachers would fail to answer correctly and on time too. So why the hell do we need to do it that fast?! Isn't the point knowing how to do those stuff? Even 4 hours wouldn't suffice for that kind of exam. Damn it. This is when college instructors trivialize exams. If there's a place worse than hell, this would probably be it.

I was prolly cursing those MIS instructors on while Andie were making stupid cartoony sounds on our way out of the exam rooms.

slack off and get stoned

This week's probably the most unproductive week in my entire college life. I haven't been doing anything important since Sunday, when I finally confirmed that it was a holiday the next day.

Underline unproductive: our Theo ecological project was almost late/rejected and I've missed 6 lectures in total this week. That means a compendium of lecture notes to copy, paperwork on Philo lectures, a missed bonus quiz in Supply Chain Mgt where I got a big fat F for the first long exam, and a recitation on Tuesday. Oh yes, the latter's because we're "penalized" for absences. Except for my once-a-week Project Mgt class, I didn't attend a single Tuesday & Thursday class!

After Monday being a holiday, my notion of having the right to slack a bit carried over to the succeeding days. Blaming other things for my inefficiency is really helpful. And, the BIT of procrastination mutated into VAST.

I was still able to finish our Theo presentation though. I still don't know whether to accuse my other team members for not dealing with it properly. I was the one who did almost everything. I get this slight feeling of injustice. It's still my fault regardless their minimum input to our project. I chose not to pass it to one our group mates who volunteered to finish it. I thought it would be a major hell for her, since she had another project due the next day. I worked for a little over 15 hours to finish this stupid Powerpoint presentation with the whole shebang: infos, music, and animation. It upsets me talking about it.

...

I didn't get any sleep last Monday-Tuesday because of that stupid Theo project. And Tuesday compelled me to forgo sleeping because I had go to Greenhills. I bought that equally stupid Naruto head protector to complete my creative picture for our yearbook. Thank God I had bestbud Ka with me to go there, should I suddenly snap lose consciousness from exhaustion and sleepiness.

After that brief trip, I figured to drop by Mateo-Ricci to get Naruto movies from Retcher. Then the funny stuff happened.

Saw Rompz and an MIS girl, whose name I never knew, on my way to Mateo. At this point, I was entirely between reality and the dream world, "semi-consciousness" if you like. I prolly had only a tenth of my brain at the time. They spoke to me, and I didn't understand a word at all. It was kinda scary. My stupid grin and vague comments prolly passed for normalcy and friendliness. But I seriously didn't know what we talked about. I can't even remember what came ouy of my mouth. Mateo did seem dreamlike as well. I must have irked some Celadon peeps when I came looking for the Naruto CDs, "those damned CDs" I thought then.

After bumping into and talking to Rompz and company again, I got on the way out of school. Then it happened. A literal winding road appeared before me after getting out of the bridge. I was scared. But I persevered not to faint. And I was really close to fainting.

When I got to the train station, another familiar face greeted me. It was Jayaps - and dear me a new person - Che. I think it's Che or Che Che. I was semi-conscious already. It didn't register well. Once again, I was at a loss on our conversation. And dammit, she normally proves to be incomprehensible already. So just imagine how baffled I was about her jokes. I was laughing without understanding anything she said.

I realized that I was awake for at least 30 hours. I head to bed right away when I got home.

I don't plan to die before 35, so I should change this habit.

...

After finishing Theo on Thursday morning, I got to Meriam to get the samurai costume from Ka. Okay, it was an Aikido outfit really but it would pass of as a Samurai's if you're thinking Kenshin Himura. I headed to school to pass the Theo thing. But upon discovering that other stuff for documentation was needed, I contacted Rach right away to do those miscellaneous stuff. Then, I got to the studio for my grad pic.

Got to wear my polo and tie with shorts! And no that wasn't my creative costume. I'm not that creative, I swear. They only shoo the upper body for the formal grad picture. So I thought wearing shorts was okay. I got a bit of schmaltz when they draped me with the toga, the patch for the school seal, and another thing that seemed to be a medal. At that moment, I thought about leaving Ateneo. And it really pained me. I really love the school. And I think I'm not totally ready to get out and let the work world consume me.

Then the creative pose. The creative pose!!! I donned on the stupid samurai costume and tied the Naruto head protector around my head. When I got to look at myself on the mirror, I thought, I really looked like another Naruto character. I felt really good fantasizing about my being a part of the cartoon. I was also embarrassed to the bones! It would have registered as some form of social suicide in some circles. But I didn't care! It was fun. I got to pull off something drastic and comic before graduating.

...

I should really work for next week beginning tomorrow. Tons of readings again and a midterm coming up. Wish me luck, I feel like I'm up and charged to start Saturday properly.

non sequitur

Tomorrow is an official holiday! I don't know if that's a good thing. A lot of people have been studying since last week for PM mid-terms tomorrow. But this is good for me. This gives lee way for me to compile our Theo presentation, finish my first deliverable for PM project, read some Philo stuff, and finally finish some Naruto episodes. Haha! Whenever I'm given this kind of blessing I tend to procrastinate more. But really, I'll do everything I have to.

I haven't read more than 2 chapters for the supposed midterm. Thank you! Thank you! Panic took over me when I opened the book yesterday. I didn't know where to start. There were 8 chapters to read. So once again, thank you for the holiday. I must have asked a dozen of people just to confirm if it's holiday.

But before everything else, some Naruto movies please.

Much for this euphoric state, I know I've done a lot of moronic stunts during last two weeks. Won't give details though since I don't want to get too sappy about certain issues. It may also prove futile to convey certain emotions that I don't understand very well. I just can't gather strength to control my anger. Training to be the perfect hypocrite should be my favorite pastime these days. Watch out for my sly remarks and fake smiles. Warn me if I'm being too obvious with my feelings. It's an art. I need to perfect it. *Que in mad laughter*

I'm not doing this for some puerile reason. No, I don't hide because I'm afraid to get hurt. I just think this kind of attitude towards some people is necessary in order to get things done my way, which may or may not be entirely selfish. So we're not entirely on our way to being a sociopath.

This is not corruption. This is disillusionment. Or maybe some excuse to cover some deeper sentimentality that I'm harboring. I'm still brooding.

Or maybe I just want to sound deep. I was probably playing with words.I need some enlightenment.

zeitgeist

I just got out of my POS class. We watched a flick about elections here in the Philippines, with a hotchpotch of various commentaries and history. I had fun seeing these kinds of flick. You could actually learn besides enjoying them. Most of the stuff shown were quite familiar. Most of us probably know about the murders/assassinations Marcos did during elections. But the most of us probably didn't know the details.

Do you know about the man who was shot 4 times trying to protect a balot box full of votes, embracing it and running just to protect it? Or the NAMFREL volunteers who were shot dead? Or those who risked their lives walking out of the COMELEC's primary chamber for counting the ballots (I forgot the name of the place)? Probably, only a few of us know about these "small things" that really count big.

I always get this weird feeling (shivers?) whenever I see a people moving in the same direction and having the same goal. It's freaky and awesome. Such small acts somehow reflect what each of us should do to make our this country work. A priest in the movie said something like, "there has been change since EDSA". That really moved me a lot. I think the zeitgeist can be described in the same way.

And no, I'm not an idealist. I expect anarchy. I don't think everyone will be good and be concerned about the common good. Heck, I've read too much of Machiavelli to be this kind of psuedo-intellectual. I just think a movement of a collective is something awesome, something fantastic. Or to put it simply, something sacred. There's something romantic about becoming what we want to be as a people. It doesn't mean that that such a thing is always right.

I have thought of this before, but somehow my Philo teacher articulates it even better. He says that it is through this movement that the voice of God manifests. If you're not a Christian, better be one! No, just kidding. I think this same idea is applies to any religion. I remember that I once asked my religion teacher- a buddhist monk- back in high school about how the world was created. She told me that WE created it. I was perplexed and taken aback. But I think she probably meant the we were there in the beginning at the world's conception. Somehow, religions view this particular movement as something holy. This movement is not some abstract concept of holy things because it is born in human experience. This makes it even more worth celebrating.

Tell me this is happening right now.

morning express

I'm so exhausted after putting all those sticks beside our tree saplings. Oh, educate me about their importance please. Does it really help straightening those trees? Anyway, back on being pissed off. I rarely get into this mood so let's savor it. I must have sweat a gallon already. I need to see my doctor later today. With my pale face and and dried lips, a week's confinement won't be enough. I'm turning whiter and whiter now. Need *heavy breath* some *gasping* air. Gawd knows if I can even finish this entry. And! I need some neat shirt.

It feels as if a dementor sucked out the life in me. I can use a fresh shirt right this instant.

Let me give you a brief of what happened. I was late for POS class (for an exam!) so I had to run to the train station. Checked time at the station: 720. Got freaked a bit. Got out of Katipunan station. Checked time: 748. Got freaked a little more. Ran ran ran to the jeepney stop. Got the same one I had last Friday. The driver required my ID for discount. I had trouble rummaging through my stuff, and elbowed a few already irked passengers while doing this. Ran again to the tric stop near the bridge. I did the final sprint to Faura AVR and discovered that Ms. Vene gave a free cut. I thought, a free cut?! She was supposed to give us our exams today. Went to SS AVR and our usual classroom just to double check. It was indeed a free cut. I went through all those panic and trouble for nothing.

I bummed in the lib for half an hour, got to read about Islam extremists. These "religious" have corrupted even the most decent of minds. A teacher and a community leader. What kind of corruption do they practice? I want to know - and maybe try them on some fellas here.

Texted Philo group mates about the putting-the-sticks activity. Please tell me how stupid that sounds. At nine, we proceeded with this task. And what a task! Scorching sun and 31 sticks to plant. Imagine the labor.

Song of the day's probably Ironic by Alanis. Well we should give thanks to the world - or to You who sits up there wherever- for giving me this humorous experience. And yeah, thanks for letting me slack off a bit.

5 minutes to go before ISA class. He'll probably be handing out our first long test. Get me a decent grade.

5th dimension mask

It's been quite a week. Beside the usual tons of readings for Philo class, I had 2 freakin' long tests and a report. Thank God, tomorrow's a holiday, which is such a nice break from the perpetual ordeal of schoolwork- which should be "school/work" really. It was fun listening to new ideas but some exams are just over the edge. Teachers often trivialize exams to the point where you just have to memorize stuff. Thank God, not all courses I'm taking are about our would-be profession. We can really learn something that applies to everyone, more than stupid data centers and microchips.

I really don't have something special to talk about right now. I mean most of my thoughts are in my notebook anyway. What's the point of writing them again? Is it for other people? Not to be rude, but people reading others' stuff frequently have a notion that they know the writer, with just his words. But come on! This is just how I want to seem in this specific mode of existence.

...

Someone is exuding negativity. I really have had enough of this kid who feels as if he's a victim of the world. Come on, grow up you, you, you pesky little urchin! It was really unnerving talking to you. I mean, you actually look older than me, although you're still probably in your teens. If you happen to breeze through this part, forgive me for describing you in such scant words. It's just that I have had the same experience back in high school. And you're achingly getting into my nerves.

Things to look forward - or to dread - this weekend and next week. Tutoring, 1 movie, Philo paper results, ISA, POS exam results(!), real start of PM project.

Oh! I'm about to finish Rendezvous with Rama c/o Andie and Celestine Prophecy. Rama is way more fascinating than other sci-fi stuff. Must finish both by tomorrow. Jane Eyre will be up after these two, but I guess I'd begin by September. A lot of readings for Philo and other school stuff in queue - exams, projects, papers, exams again. This is absolute injustice.

Ha.. I just need something to push me to write whenever I'm in a let's-step-back-and-look-at-our-lives mood, when I really have something important to say. Or maybe this is another mask I want to wear. Or both. This mask thing really got into me after the lecture on hypocrisy in Philo class.

sabotage

Blogger got rid of my post last night. When I tried publishing it, blogger asked for my username and password again. Gaaah. I just have to re-type everything again I guess. Oh I'm in Faura lab right now. I'm the only one in the room so it's quite eerie. Hmm hmm hmm hmm! Ken's horror story got stuck in my head.

Two excerpt chapters and an entire book for Philo class. *BANG* the lab supervisor just made her entrance. Civilization at last. Let's get back on track. Yep, I read everything last Monday to Tuesday morning, with only 3 hours of sleep in between. That was due yesterday, just for one lecture! Readings were okay except that there were just a lot of them! Even if there's the weekend, can't he possibly imagine us living non-reading/non-school related lives?

Anywho, my entry last night was about the goings-on last weekend. Forgive my apathy about politics ladies and gentlemen.

-Friday. Went late for a GA for some ten minutes (I love the Dance Troupe), and a gang group thing for Kaingin. It was all okay except for the first. I just don't know most of them. And the gang group thing was a disaster! We were told to describe people in our gang. Stupid me ended up writing some flattering remarks for this certain someone. I shouldn't have written it! Must not draw attention.

- Went to Andie's after my first sabotage. Dug through her treasures of DVDs and finally got Devil's Advocate and The Godfather. It was raining heavily so I decided to stay some more hours. She tortured me with a classic film - literally black and white. Well, it was not so bad. The film was really funny, slapstick and the fast paced chit chat. And good Lord, all-American accent got me lost. I couldn't follow any dialogue.

She offered me an apple and honey snack half-way through watching the film, after I implied that I did not eat anything since the org stuff. How kind, I thought. Honey and apple seemed to be a great combination for a snack. But oh no! NO NO NO! The third slice of honey-coated apple chocked to death. I couldn't breath for some three minutes! And my dear friend just stood there handing me the mirror telling me how red I was while I choking to death. She was totally nonchalant about it. I eventually recovered. I finished a portion of the black and white movie, got the DVDs and left.

- Saturday afternoon was tutoring time. Everything was great except that we had to teach in cramped spaces. We taught the children their math and english lessons inside their houses. The kids were fine except for a few excessively timid ones. The Kaingin crowd was okay too. It's just that I still don't know most of them. I hope those kids did learn something from us.

-This is not another activity but I thought to write it down all the same. I didn't go to Romps's party. It was a good call because a certain dame whom I utterly detest was invited along with some more MIS peeps. And booze is not my kind of fun.

-Watched four movies. I am Sam(!), Patch Adams(!!), Devil's Advocate(!!!), The Godfather (oh yeah!). I was a bit annoyed that I didn't understand some of Don Carleon's murmured chit chats. He sounds like he's chewing words. Anyway, the movie was great. Corruption at its best. I am Sam was okay too but it's a bit mushy. Style was okay too. The mtv-like scenes with the lively music and the jerky camera were effective in capturing emotions. Patch Adams was a good flick too, though it borders on the same mushiness as I am Sam. I got a warm feeling after watching it. The Devil's Advocate and The Godfather were the ones that really tackles this corrupt world. They sure are two good movies.

Oh, sister passed her exams and would be leaving for a 5-year study/work in Canada. University of Toronto come this October I think. I would be left alone soon. We'll see if that would be a good thing for me. I think I've forgiven her already, not that I want to seem like I'm the victim in our long enduring war. I just that I think I'm okay with all that have happened between us. But I'm still as irked as before whenever she does what she wants despite others objecting.

Now I'm here in Faura Lab making some sense of what I just have written down. I'll be going to my dentist later. I hope she wouldn't debate me about GMA issue again. She gets too passionate and edgy whenever we do. She tends to jerk those dentist tools in my mouth whenever that happens.

metamorphosis/psychosis

Nothing deep really. I just want to talk about Philo class, which I still love despite tons of workload. Father David just has his way of getting into people's heads I think. Whatever we talk about in class does apply to how we live. I mean more than those superfluous and exaggerated lessons on citizenship, he adds other real-life stuff that makes the lessons strike home. Whenever I leave the class, I strangely feel like I know what to do with my life. Okay maybe that's giving him too much credit, but the class has that sort of effect on me. And only a few teachers really have that effect on me.

More than the feeling the need to change, I feel that I want to and I'm ready for it. I really need that. For a time I've been in that hopeless state. Now, I'm definitely ready for change. I have had enough obsessing about the past and all those bad things today that remind me of of it.

I believe I've changed a lot. My friends would probably think otherwise. I never colored my hair or got taller even an inch. I still got my braces and I'm still quiet around new people, and still noisy around familiar crowd. What they don't see is the way I think know. Not that I'm smarter or anything, but that the issues I used to obsessed about in the past have lost their importance. My attitude towards how to live has changed profoundly I think. I'm losing the bitterness I've felt for a long long long time. I'm better.

coffee- friend or foe?

I won't be surprised if I just pass out any moment now.

I didn't sleep at all. I got home around 9 pm, had dinner and some telly that finished around 11. Then, pronto, placed all reading stuff on the sofa then sat down for some 2 hours. I got all groggy so I fixed my self a cup of coffee and a slice of cake. I immediately popped into normal perky existence and began my Poli Sci reflection paper. Sana B man lang. I finished around 7, got all panicky, tapped the showers, dressed up, and scurried off to the train.

At the train, the caffeine in my circulation was wearing off. Two big - the fat construction worker built- men on both of my side. Was nodding off to sleep and got all jerky! I sort of hit my head on the man at my left, and got the guts to laugh my ass off. I imagined myself getting all sleepy and jerky. People were actually a bit annoyed looking at me. I must have looked totally wasted - and that's saying a lot because I don't even drink. I got out of the train and luckily got to Poli Sci class alive. God is good.

I believe I'll spent the rest of the day sleeping. This is my second time to do this sort of thing.

Anyway, I'm in Faura lab. I could have had gone home! The good boy in me tells me I should stay for ISA class.

I'm quite okay now. Blogging really helps a lot. I think it's also because of the tons of bread I ate earlier at the Caf. They didn't tell me extra slices of bread would mean 4 slices. My eyes must have popped out seeing those piles of slices. It was just for breakfast with small serving.

the glass is half full

I still have some 3 more hours to burn until an org commitment. Yes, I'm capable of such things. Got nothing better to do so I decided to doodle something here hoping that some brilliance emerges.

Everybody prolly has a time-line. And in between specific significant events lies boredom. But when you get to wait things to happen, you tend to miss the important stuff; when you think you're bored you're missing the point. Thus, we should not say that we are bored, but that we're missing the point of experience. I hope this isn't coming from some abstracted belief but from experience.

Writing really alleviates that nausea, which is preoccupied with "I should get to the next point of the timeline", and that "this point of time is nonsense". Translation: boredom, angst, residue of modernity- I really like that terminology.

Something is always up, and we're missing most of it. We're missing the beauty of experience because we worry about next point in our time - not that it's bad but that it's what keeps you breathing.

The next point in my time-line is 430 pm.

We think our lives is that time line, that collection of hundreds and hundreds of specific events. This is why we get nauseated when we experience being in between points. There's no such thing as a life based on such collection. But it's an option if you want to point to something you call your life. I have had enough of embracing it. I need to reclaim grace, those blessed moments in between.

Yeah, I should prolly stop here. I feel like I'd be making things up if I continue.

Honestly, I should spend more time in thinking about what matters to us people, not some genuinely weird and outrageous problems that only concern me.

I found that I'm not the only one who feels strangely insulted when talking to the Rory (ie.e Evangelical Christian girl). Apparently, her flatmate seemed to be as irked as I am whenever she raves. I should not elaborate. She'd probably wrestle me to death if she finds out I'm actually writing about her issue. She's very much capable of wrestling any guy she chooses. Hehe! I mean she's great but she tends to listen too much to herself when you speak to her, never caring what the other has to say. She's a televangelist in the making. Let's barf later.

On other news, teacher's a charlatan. Drawing the conclusion that it's because of the inefficient CSIs that Filipinos don't get proper justice is just too lame, too vapidly anecdotal and barely factual. All his supposed intellectual references pertain to television shows - to come up with that conclusion. Any educated person would dismiss his theories immediately. Man, teach your techie stuff. And please, I don't believe the physics stuff about static electricity being more manifest at ground level. And he didn't even explain it. He said, "you guys should review your physics". I mean if you really know, why don't you explain?! What an asshole. You may perhaps be someone important in your field, but please don't talk about other stuff. You'd probably look stupid if you mention any of those notions to your colleagues anyway.

Another important thing. My Poli Sci class will end before October. Sacrilege! It ends just when I'm about to really get into involving myself with what's going on around. Give me the daily fast! Teacher's taking a month of break to prepare leaving the country come November to take her doctorate in the U.S. I really should start my independent education about how to help solve the excruciatingly vast problems of this portion of the third world.

I didn't attend my Theo and Supply Chain Management classes earlier today. I actually woke up at 6 am. But I figured to just read my Ethics stuff. I thought nothing serious would be up in those two subjects anyway. Right? Wrong!!! They had a bonus quiz in Theo and I guess a series of lectures in Supply Chain. Damn! Something bad always comes up when I decide to slack off a bit. Half the class was absent in Theo, which was why Ms. Rosana gave them a bonus quiz. And, the quiz was all about the lecture She gave last Tuesday! I know I could've gotten at least some 8 points if I attended the class. Damn it.

I'd be going to the Lib or Mateo to get some company, either,animate or inanimate. You, PC, is neither. I need some serious counseling. Oh and I finished reading a little more than half of the Half Blood Prince. A PDF copy of the book has been circulating around the web since Sunday! This is totally unfair. I mean I'm pro-piracy when it comes to movies, especially if it's a third world we're talking about. Those actors are earning more than they should anyway. But books are different. I'll think of further arguments. Wait and see. Hehe!

wars waged

We just finished our case study in supply chain management. We have to present it in class tomorrow. I can't believe we finished our third strategy in just 20 minutes over the phone. I really thought such thing was impossible. Romps was a wee bit too enthusiastic to do the case. He started it right after it was given to us. I mean who in their right (or lazy) mind would do such a thing? Anyway, most of my job was to provide ideas to create new strategies, check inconsistencies, and suggest other concepts. I will not get into details - and I suspect you don't want me too. After the report, I'll have my recitation in Ethics class. God help me.

I got home late earlier and found my mother on the rocking chair. She told me that sister bought me a key chain. She bought it in Canada after her exams, I guess. I was like, oh please! I'm not a 5-year-old to believe that blatant lie. I mean, come on. It was a bit normal back then when I was in grade school. But now, with all the necessary wars waged, I will even refrain from entertaining thoughts of my sister being all magnanimous to me.

Now they're chatting on the dining table. And I think they notice that I'm paying attention to their chit chat. I'm glad they're having that casual talk. It's not normal these days in this household. Mother and I also got some tea and sympathy moment at the dining table. I thought it was genuinely quite comforting.

I finished reading the first 11 chapters of the Half Blood Prince. I was reading 8 hours non-stop yesterday, except for the occasional water and snack breaks. It's definitely addicting. I am a bit of a slow reader I guess. I know someone who read the entire book in just 6 hours! If only I'm that fast, I wouldn't feel encumbered by the tons of readings Father David frequently throws at us. I actually read books 2 and 3 in just three days- So I guess I'm just trying to slow down to really get the feel of Half Blood Prince.

I still haven't submitted my Aegis (yearbook shitness up the hill) requirements. And I'm required to pay them 600 pesos on Wednesday. I can only work on Tuesday! Really, what kind of laborious things they do that justify their fines for being late? They prolly just bum around and wait for our stuff. They're not even done with encoding everything. And they're effin' "volunteers". 200 pesos per day late is way too much. So much for justifying my tardiness. Hehe!

I still have tons to read for Philo due tomorrow. I'll end here. I really need some serious help for tomorrow's grave endeavors.

a review of this week

I just got out of our "exciting" MIS131. Really, Am I the only one who laments his tasteless jokes? To be fair, he's more than the average CS teacher. We'll give him credits for that. Lessons are okay too and I'm not being sarcastic about that.

I'm in Faura lab right now, burning some 30 minutes. By 1230, I'll be eating. I'll have a case study later with Romps. It's for our Supply Chain Mgt. class, then practice with Celadon dance troupe. Then some more later, I'll have some 50 pages to read for my Ethics class.

Life's exciting especially when you share it with "nice" people. School's great. I wrote something like this yesterday in my PM class. "I wrote I don't hate school, I hate the people." I regretted writing it immediately afterward. I was actually wearing a smile, a genuine one, after the PM class. I just tend to hate people. But I also realize I'm being a hypocrite and unjust. I mean, I enjoy most of the peep's company anyway.

...

On other news, I didn't pass the CADS audition last Monday. Everything was fucked-up. I was a mess. I didn't know that the last day for auditions was that that day- the day I applied. I was wearing jeans. It was difficult to move.

I freaked out even before the actual audition. I was with Sarah who was all dressed up to dance. I was actually confident before our audition slot. I was actually doing great with my moves. But, when we were called in the audition room, I totally lost it. There was about 7-8 judges on a panel sneering at us. Then I froze. The song began and I was still petrified. I knew right away that I wouldn't get in. Got some catharsis going on behind the chapel after my audition. That was my last chance.

I still feel a bit sad about that. I knew I could've danced for real. But I'm better now. I was actually a bit surprised with myself braving the auditions. I've changed. A lot. I don't fear too often these things these days. Sarah got in. I still don't know about her second audition though. And I'm really happy for her. We actually talked each other to audition for this year's sometime last year. She told me, "Pangarap natin 'to". I think I'd be looking for a dance company right after graduation, I'm not yet giving up the talent I know I have. No use drowning in details of my failure right now. I'll have to do what I can with what I have where I am.

...

We'll be having a planting activity tomorrow 6 am. I still don't know much about the virtues my groupmates have. You got that right, we're supposed to think that we are a city where "virtues are being practiced". Yes, it sounds like a high school paper. Our 15-page paper should also be Aristotelian, mimicking the way he wrote about the Athenian virtues. I'm still clueless to say the least. Most of my entries in the log book just describe the group thing that happened for each day. And believe it or not we're supposed to footnote ourselves using the logbook. I haven't written a single entry since Monday. It's stupid but I'll be doing that later anyway.

...

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince tomorrow! I'm too excited I can't even fart.

beauty

I wrote this during my internship. Everyone was out for lunch. I was in an air-conditioned room on the 32nd floor, with lights and sounds turned off. I just think this one's beautiful:

(Excerpt) But there's something more that points to that which gives us meaning. It's not that which is a semblance of the transcendental; not that things have purpose, but that we are turned to each other. If life was an unfinished tapestry, meaning lies not in the fibers or strands but the light/color they awaken in each other- without anyone knowing what the tapestry depicts.

These are mainly useless thoughts. They're not very particular, but I think it conveys what I mean. What is true and meaningful can only be that which is lived.

poisonous christians

It happened yesterday during our Project Management class. She asked me what I am good at, then she gave me the book, An Enemy Called Average. I was rather on the defensive right away. She gave me that familiar feeling again, when I thought I've resolved it.

She prolly meant well like any let's-save-the-world evangelical Christians. But she's also probably a poisonous bitch. Ok. She thinks I'm average or drowning in self-pity. I was infuriated because she may be telling the truth. That depresses me a lot. Got into the usual bouts of self-obsession, the usual questions like am I that useless, etc. I really think I'm not excelling much in anything significant after all. That's prolly why I got on the defensive right away.

Rachel must have suffered my eternal complaints and criticisms against that girl I used to admire.

I mean she's Christian. And she must really feel special being such. I used to have that. I used to feel important and have the world somehow figured out. And I get all that psyching-up that we're all unworthy, worthless, etc but because of grace we're suddenly living meaningful lives.

But that's not the only way to see one's life. I think the path I've chosen is good too. I just need some convincing that I will be great on it, that life will be meaningful too. I should never begin my path in some abstraction, some ignorant and highly abstracted principles or dogmas. I should begin with "lived" reality. And she's definitely working on abstractions on purpose and measures of greatness.

Perhaps those two things bother me. She reminds me of the former and I think I'm still insufficient to pursue the latter. I need some serious discernment. I guess I have Rory to thank for that. I really don't buy these Christian authors.

Maybe her purpose of lending me the book was not to point out my being average on an objective point of view; but being not good on my own terms. Maybe it was motivation for excellence not based on any imposed standards, but based on what I feel I could do to feel that I'm at my best. I think we all need that introspection.

Whatever. Not important.

...

I still don't know what to write in my Philo logbook, let alone on that 15-page paper which will only be based on a four-hour activity! It's ridiculous.

GMA's 10 cabinet members have resigned. They are also convincing her to resign. Still don't know how to assess this but I agree on the resignation part.

socially awkward

Tried calling everyone from my mock-flock - unsuccessfully. I only got to talk to 1 out of 5. I thought I was being silly rehearsing what I was supposed to tell them over the phone. Then I got a sudden rush of desperation. I dialed the the first set of numbers. The phone rang This is for real, I thought. Then my heart rate jumped to somewhere near 190 beat a minute. A "hello" burst out from the phone! Oh my God! It's actually from the phone. Good Lord, why am I such a social retard?

Then I said: "Hlow yis pis e-eric frown Celon, kinai shpeak to jaeydiii pleeeese?" The person seemed to understand despite the sub-humanness of my brief spiel. I thought maybe she had braces too. Then at last to JD (i.e. jaeydiii). Normal chitchat proceeded except for my unusual and frequent exclamations, which I still find weird. Okay, I put the phone down and dialed the next number, with my voice still shaking. Luckily- or otherwise- 2 didn't answer, 1 was not home, 1 was a wrong number. Hoo ha.

Loner Eric using the phone for casual chitchats is not normal in this part of the universe. I don't know who's on the other end of the phone line. I need some serious education on socialization. I never used the phone for to affect friendship back in high school? Hell, that's not even a question. I prolly hated most of them then anyway that's why. Haha!

I think I'm way past people-phobia. I'm very comfortable talking to strangers and even crowds these days. But talking to someone you don't know and don't see is totally something else for me. I was literally rehearsing my lines before I dialed the first number. Retard.

....

I have finally made my stand on current happenings in this country. Legislators should pursue the impeachment. We should know the truth and address the concerns of those who believe in our being a democracy. And maybe to insist the resignation of the president through bureaucratic means, not through mobs. All actions should be constitutional, otherwise we'll say hello to recurring mob/elite rule.

I'd stamp a big question mark to "The Filipino People". This has been used by various groups when talking about themselves and what they want to happen to this country. How dare you assign a government of your own choice?! Only after this conflict should we really have a new revolution, a change in the system of governance. Changing the president would only entail the same conflicts I think.

We are responsible for upholding correctness if we really want change. What "we" were you talking about when you said we have done this before and we can do this again? Give us a break.