frustrations, frustrations...

I bought a book by Stephen Hawking. A Brief History of Time (latest edition) was on sale and I've been wanting to buy it since highschool! Now at chapter 3 I positively feel abysmal and stupid. But this should be good. The last time I felt stupid was on my fourth year in college, those piles of articles/books written and inspired by sad and dead old people for my Philosophy courses. But then some of those readings were translated from foreign languages, which was proably the reason I found them difficult to understand. Most of those dead authors were French, and God knows how awful people translate that language into English. This time, Hawking is positively clear on language. It's just that I don't understand the concepts very clearly, especially space-time. I mean I understand the illustrations but I can't seem to imagine it in the real world!!! And, gulay, this is already a physics book for lay people. Frustrations, frustrations.

success, success come to me! lol!

After too much bitterness, too much frustration this time. I thought I will go cloud nine after learning I passed the qualifying exam for this company that I really like; that it will inevitably snowball into more endorphins witht the following days. I was wrong. After spending the holy week (third world on suspended animation) grinning thoughtlessly on passing the dream job, withstanding friends suggesting the results could have been mixed up, I snapped out of it. Earlier today a friend who works for that comp told me that 250/2000 people pass the exam and that a series of tests and interviews would follow to really really qualify. Ok I can definitely commit to at least trying to beat everyone for that spot, I thought. But then, I took another exam come afternoon this same day for one of those companies where most people in my university end up. Frustrating, dragging, difficult! Ugh, and with a very slow connection! And with people (fucking interns!) coming in and out of the room spouting- loudly!-factoids about their lives like we should care or something. I finished the test, rode the elevator to make for the exit at the first floor, not without maudlin thoughts on how inadequate I am for people started sinking in. I didn't even enjoy the free send-off dinner for graudates later that night. I forced myself to deal with people and smile that night. And then I went to the loo and looked at the mirror. And there, right at that moment, I behold the ugly aging primate without anything good to offer the world! Bad thoughts. On the train home I was still brooding about them. Somebody should've slapped me in the face instead and wake me up. That could have been more pleasant than feeling, yet again, bad about myself.

Problem is I never felt like I did something really worth telling other people for the past 5 years. No kidding. I never felt I achieved something that I or people I love could be proud of. Ugh, middle class drama and all, I know. But I just want that feeling (again, after God knows how many years) that makes me feel good about myself. I realize that I'm shallow and there seems to be no escape from it. Foucault, where art thou? Get me out of this panopticon! lol! But really, I think I will always have these thoughts about myself and how I figure in the world, no matter how much I intellectualize about these things.

I knew spending too much time harping how much I had been the underdog will have its evil repercussions. But I can definitely remain vigilant- more than petulant I hope- under these circumstances; to count my blessings, hope for the best, and all that jazz. In fact, I already feel quite better just writing about them. Haaaaaaay. Breathe.

night out with "friends"

Yesterday night, I went out with a throng of highschool uhm.. friends? A batchmate flew in from China and was bound for Davao in a few days. He just arrived yesterday at 4 in the morning and had been on the road, perhaps, uhm gamboling with his cronies and minions among my highschool batchmates after arriving. And boy, he had been one of those semi-cool kids and semi-bully back in highschool. Ugh, highschool memories bring so much bitterness. Bitterness abounds specially with those people! But I digress... So he invited Karah, who's my best pal among hs peeps these days, on a dinner with a couple of other more batchmates. He missed her, the batch, and what-have-you's. And Ka's supposed to invite me, since he said "we" should come. And we, in Ka's world means Ken, me, Nes, et. al. (cliques and factions and all those corns you can think of. Think stupid people in stupid highschool days.) I thought why not? A chance to catch up, update my social skills, escape impending boredom in front of the tv, yadda yadda yadda. So I decided to go.

And, ha! Mind you, back in highschool I facied myself the outcast or the reluctant but compassionate sociopath. I had a sort of clique, yes but I loathed some and more outside that ridic group. And you're right, that disgust was not in any way one-sided. And Ka et. al, well let's just say they were the popular kids back in highschool, friends with all kinds of circles, bridging the social divides and what-not's. Ha! We had all that despite being a tad less than a hundred. And social-climbing had never been more complex!

Fine! I was bullied heavily you wouldn't have a clue. And no, not only by a couple or a group of peeps! *breathes in, breathes out* Lol! And I bullied back. And no they didn't like it. I didn't like them. Anyway, back to the topic:

Davao dude picked us up at Ka's, using his rich crony's nice car. Dinner time. eat eat eat. Plastered plastered smile, forcing myself to believe that this would turn out to be a good night. talk talk talk. Mantra of the night: fuck off bitter self, enjoy the night. And I did. I managed to sort of take charge of the conversations. There were only five of us that dinner time so it was relatively easy. But oh no, they texted texted some more people. By the time we transferred to Mocha Blends there were already 14 of us nicely not talking to each other over coffee (See I wasn't alone!). At some point, we divided into 2 groups. Luckily I got into the almost likeable people. At some point we were actually having quite a normal, tolerable conversation- fine, a good conversation, almost genuinely enjoyable. And to my surprise I didn't regret the night. I was exhausted, yes, in putting up with those other people.

But, I won't hold back here. And luckily most of my hs batchmates don't read a lot of online stuff. If I had the chance back then to get my revenge without being butchered, shot, etc, these would them:

To J., M., D.
Fat people go to hell. Okay maybe not. There's only been one time in my life when a fat person had been kind to me. And you three! Someday I'll suck all your fats out and drown you three in it! You would be too stupid you won't even notice me slicing your skin and sucking your fats. I never did anything bad to you but you were always there to humiliate me!

To O.
You fucking fairy! You backstabbing scrawny fairy! We backed you up when you had that big problem. And you fucking humiliated us at our back in front of your new college friends. You fucking hurt us you know. We had been very good friends. But oh ho! You had to announce that you always feel forced to hang out with us, like it's something that you owe us! You had to announce it to other people and later in front of us, like some fucking sort of press conference! We thought we were supposed to be real friends. You know that that little press conference of yours would hurt us. But you did it anyway. Why didn't you just drift away eh and not hang out? But I guess you're too dramatic and theatrical for that yes? You're a fraud and you know it. Stop playing the victim!

To Mr. M.
Get a nose job, it's too big you can even smell my lying compliments for you. And please stop being nice or composed in front of me. It doesn't suit you. I let it pass, you know, those snide remarks and all too-dramatic tirades you had to do whenever you were no in the mood (whenever our fucking stupid "clique" would dine out). And no, A, I do forgive but I never forget. Never. J. et al may have told you things but you have nothing to do with me, you weren't the one I wronged. So get your nose job and stop pretending you want to talk to me. It makes us both sick.

Omg. I've never felt such release! I know I'd be sorry for this someday. And I never explode like this in person- and never had that chance to do this in front to them. Ugh. I hate bitterness and by God I hope to forgive people someday. But those memories are just too strong. And, promise, in moments of absolute necessity, in moments when I have to engage them in any conversation, I try to be as civil as much as possible. I even try (more like force myself) to like them. God, help me forgive.

decision week

This is decision week. I have to extend deadlines for my decisions to wait for one or two other prospects. In a matter of days I should decide. And, trouble is I'm not particularly the most in-demand unemployed person as of the moment and there's no way they would wait for me indefinitely. Uck. Let me tell you, to say that this is frustrating is an understatement. It's leaps beyond post-highschool-pre-college limbo of choosing between universities. Back then, I didn't particularly weigh the pro's and con's (but of course I was biased against getting into that ridic school along Taft. Lol!). I was in a way tricked into buying that reservation fee for slot (BS MIS batch 2006). In those moments of weakness and confusion, I got tricked into riding on my highschool friend and his mother's infectious zeal to get into that good university. The fates arranged it for me, I thought. And boy do I not believe in fates these days. I mean it's all good to believe in some sort of providence but I just can't believe that this providence is very genocidal and picky- I mean look at those children sold to prostitution, did some ridic universal and fucked-up force planned on it? Ugh, why do I always get into discussing theology in a categorically unrelated issue... Point is I'm confused and I just hope to get into something I can be good at and with which I can affect other people positively. Ha! At least I'm sure that I can get hired. That's quite a comforting thought for minute ego. And no, I'm no atheist.

Speaking of comforting egos. I had quite a pursposeful weekend. I attended this Youth Vote 2010 event at the Asian Institute of Management, which to our surprise was just behind Greenbelt 1. Youth Vote 2010 was organized by Young Public Servants (under a certain NGO). It was first among a series of forums conducted with various young "leaders" and 2010 presedentiables. I though it was very timely considering recent charges of corruption and people power stalemates. First thing that came into my my was how would presedentiable accomodate public scrutiny of fund allocation special for national projects- and then the pork barrel, etc, etc. I thought people my age would prefer this sort of institutionalized reforms rather than jump into the bandwagon of mob rule and intimidation (but of course I do want the president to resign). I thought such a sign of maturing democracy in this country. We were grouped into different breakout sessions with different issues to discuss (i.e. education, good governance, peace and security, employment, poverty alleviation). At the end of those sessions, we came up with 3 questions about the issue assigned to us to ask the presidentiables. Etc, etc, etc. It was fun despite not getting ot talk to a real presidentiable. Some mini-celebs in the event: 90's has-been Jaime Garchitorena, Youth rep./host/he's-everywhere Bam Aquino, Sen. Kiko Pangilinan, Berty Lim (some business person implicated(? lol!) by Lozada). I also met students leaders from other universities. Booze and bands at the end of the program.

an attempt at sisyphus

Rurok?
Nagbabadyang hangin.
Nagdurugong puso.

Lamig.
Kapit na bibitiw.
Dilim na babalot.

Dam'hin.
Diwang sumisigaw.
Ulang bumubuhos.

Kapit.
Higpit na 'di 'tanto.
Lakas? 'di siguro.