Saturday, December 02, 2006

ako si kiray

Tonight, I'm TV's victim.

I am for the underdog. I've always been appalled by those kids who either have pretty faces or the super brains. I was less than the regular kid, I guess. I was never a super brain or the cutie pie. Neither was I the best runner nor jumper during my years in varsity in HS- I know I don't even look the part. Some people just have all the things to become. I felt I didn't. I was the underdog.

This is probably the reason why I'm most interested in kids who don't seem to have a lot of potential to become an Einstein, a dashing Hollywood actor- or anyone who is great at all. I'm interested in those kids who struggle just to have that sense of worth. I'm interested in kids who had to hate themselves- only to come out of that self-hating phase renewed and enlightened. Some were able to become through real hard work and some discovered their real strengths eventually. They're more inspiring than the gifted ones.

Then I grew up. I learned that worth is a thing the lazy mind is after- the mind that is too busy arranging the world, including itself. It's as if the struggle through puberty was worth nothing at all; as if the worth the regular kid was after constituted that vicious cycle he was supposed to get out of.

Yes we grew up, but most of us are still stuck in puberty. It's frustrating to see people who are still after recognition of their merits, those who seem to understand themselves based on some objective arrangement of reality. It is seldom that I see people motivated by a strong sense of action, of some weird desire to achieve something without bothering whether that would constitute his worth. Action in my generation means a way of becoming something else that would figure in the arrangement of reality. This arrangement becomes people's way of understanding themselves- make that "the only way to understand themselves". It may be both imposed and/or self-inflicted.

That didn't explain my point very well. I have this sense that real maturity means having that strong feeling that we should not be after what we are in the configuration of the cosmos (whatever that may mean)- primarily because that's illusion for me- but that we should be after something that lies outside that configuration and within our own sense of what is worthwhile to do. If that something is still the idea of the self then I guess people will always be frustrated.

A key to happiness, perhaps? More like hypocrisy on my part, actually. I notice that I am caught in the same hell from time to time. I'm too busy trying to be smart, look good (unsuccessfully)- or generally someone who is important. But I notice that I'm beginning to outgrew these concerns. I'm after something now- something aside from myself. Still, to be human may mean to be caught up. So I may not be pointing to something worthwhile after all.

Friday, November 24, 2006

spasmodic soliloquy

Why is it that every time we cry so hard, it’s always about self-pity, about maudlin thoughts on our lives- over some notion of worthlessness or the lack of something that would make us “complete”? I can barely come up with a decent number to account for the times I’ve cried earnestly for another person. It’s rather pathetic, but during the times you feel sorry about your situation, your life, or whatever, you sense the truth in it. You sense that the world, indeed, has been unfair.

Then, emotions began to change as you obsess in this idea of worthlessness or the lack of something that you assume unattainable. Emotions slowly gear towards how you can make sense out of your life; to be something of worth seems appealing. So you figure that’s where toward which your life is supposed to be geared. Because of this and some notion of capability to feel for others, you take a specific path.

It becomes confusing sooner or later. It seems mere vanity; it’s that nagging alter ego that strives for any notion of worth, any notion of being vital to the operation of the world. Then the confusion gets worse. It’s called Eros in the language of Philo- at least according to my teacher; that the only things you can feel are things that have direct implication to yourself; that selfless love can only be possible with the notion of being affected.

Do you love to feel ownership? Do you invest in caring because the action would make you someone who cares? What takes precedence?

This is not necessarily bad, of course. The self-reinforcing mechanism to secure an organism’s notion of worth can indeed be that organism’s motivation to persist. But it can also be a caveat, especially when the organism’s in its point in life where it wants action- not any kind of arrangement of the world that would suggest any notion of its worth. This becomes a problem because the primary motivation of the organism becomes this notion of arrangement not real action.

Why action? It seems to me the only thing that secures actual desire to live- to live not to arrange one’s life according to any notion of the cosmos’s configuration! It becomes more important to ask ourselves what we want to do more than “what” do we want to become.

The action becomes clear- but only sometimes. And the uncertainty remains.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

i'm still alive!

Sem break didn't start until last munday when I submitted the final exam for IL. But, by saturday, when Sir Gascon shocked us that the second part of the exam would be 5 sets of take-home essays, I was already on my sem break mode. I sneaked past the homework to watch The Banquet with Mariel- who had been the nicest person I got to know last sem (no bola involved)!

By munday, after passing the take home exam, I bumped into Chrissie at Jollibee. We made some chit chat then I flew to SS again to finalize my advisement- only to find that ate Mel was on leave. So poor me waited at the foyer for my 2pm GA at ACED. Luckily, Ron (my IL classmate), and AJ and Joan (Celadon peeps) were there for some more chitchat. Then the GA. I found out that I wouldn't be able to join the Tarlac thing. Boo. Joel told me initially that I can go but I would have to share a room and sleep at the floor. I was okay with that arrangement but they decided that only one volunteer can go. Anyway, volunteers were a happy bunch when left alone thinking about the fund raising project. After the GA, I ran to the train to hurry to Ken's. HS people were there for movies and chitchats.

Munday was kind of a The Alchemist day. It seemed like the world was actually talking to me. I got quite freaked out that night thinking about what happened during the day. All the chitchats seem to point to the same direction. It really freaked me out, to say the least. The universe was saying I'm headed for the end I'm gearing for- which I terribly want- while showing me things I would definitely lose. Anyway, the more important thing is that the sem is over. I just hope I did okay with all the courses. I couldn't help but blame free loaders who happened to be some of my groupmates- ibang level na katamaran talaga! I'm thankful though that I got to meet wonderful people along with them.

...

About The Banquet. Each scene in the movie was wallpaper-like quality, as how Mariel put it- but the storyline was too expected. Only the pictures and costumes were great. It was kind of like the asian version of Elizabeth, except that the Banquet has all the kung-fu people flying everywhere and the confrontation between that characters' real motives in the second-to-the-last scene. Also, Ziyi wasn't able to convey the tension and confusion happening inside her; that at the last scene her revelation of her confusion was a bit of a stupid shock. Also, plotting and calculations by all those sneaky noblemen weren't built up properly- the audience burst into laughter when this was shown.

The more important question is, why the hell did they have to kill the empress at the end? Was it supposed to be poetic that her killer wasn't revealed?! It was awkward unlike the really poetic jump of Ziyi in Crouching Tiger. Well, that's just me.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

milenyo, sumpain ka!

Suddenly, The Imminent Parousia seemed not so imminent anymore. After the awful storm hit, us last Wednesday, we had a major blackout lasting for four days. It was, at the beginning at least, a source of inexplicable joy. Our report, which seemed seriously behind our target schedule of completion, was moved to next week. The game- that was ultimately lost to Uste yesterday- was moved to Saturday (?). And, all the hill people were rejoicing for classes cancelled.

Et erunt signa in sol et luna et stellis. Et Pressura Gentium prae confusione sonitus maris-suddenly, the song seems not so nice at all.

Oh, the joy. It didn't last though. The major power outage disrupted all the work I had lined up for the weekend. Ugh. Classes were cancelled for two days- and it was Friday that I was supposed to go to ACED to once again attempt a successful copying of pictures for a class presentation about the NGO. Instead of following my sched, I- in desperation and uneasiness for having no bath for two days- went to a Ken's to plead for a bath on Friday- super thanks to that; then, got to taste the new rice burger at Mcdo Binondo with Ka; then, at Ka's to exploit electricity, which was apparently abundant in that area of Manila. She even gave me a reading flashlight- yey for that! Water came late Friday afternoon. Friday night was spent alone in bed defiantly squinting my eyes to read the books I borrowed for our draft paper on Ancestral Domains, which apparently need not just a make-over but a liposuction, altogether- which sucks. Also, an entertaining book on Tokyo trials- that the author purports to be mere victor's justice- and he is (or was) an American! So, Friday was productive... in a way.

Saturday, still a day for cursing Meralco, witnessed me going to school in the morning. The not so surprising jungle-ish campus was a bit depressing. What was a shock was that they didn't cancel classes despite the uprooted trees and broken branches everywhere. The class was okay- and classmates were surprisingly "orderly". I saw Tiff and her sister at the MRT Cubao station. It was a bit awkward though, with all my books and big bag. We didn't have a proper chitchat. We parted before riding the train- damn those male and female areas! Anyway, the lunch at an Indian restaurant was a bit of an experience for the Ka, Ken, and me. The ultra flavors overwhelmed and rendered us musing about nonsensical things. Saturday night was a time to rest, skipping the dinner thing with Celadon birthday peeps at Promenade- it seemed like fun but I was too tired.

Sunday was time to go to the Lib. But in all my five years, I never knew it was only open for half of Sundays! I necessarily blamed Pau for that (kidding!), but she reminded me how stupid I was. Anyway, I had lunch at McDo Katips. After a brief rice burger meal (again), I resumed reading the Tokyo trial thing. Joy, who was neighbor and a dear childhood friend, came "poof-ing" from my back. I was a bit reluctant to turn around after hearing "toting" (my childhood nickname) twice, half-expecting that some unfortunate kid had to bear that too-much-for-entertainment nickname. But it was Joy! The post grad med student waiting for the bar exams next year! We had a brief chitchat. It was cool! She had not frequented their home for the last few months! And there she was, still looking younger than I am- despite her being 5 years my senior!

I transferred to gateway to continue by epic reading crusade; I ended up landing in CBTL only to meet agitated eyes- looking at a nerdy me carrying that large book. Oh! I also bumped into an MIS batch mate, whose name I couldn't remember. I must admit, it was a bit unsettling. She was being perfunctorily friendly, which was nice and weird with any other person. I endured reading legal terms until 830pm. Ugh. I was almost drained. The coffee made my fake ulcer act up later that night. I had to eat a lot of bread- and lukewarm water!!! Anyway, I survived that semi-ordeal.

So, I guess the weekend didn't pass without some goodies. I even got to realize that my over dependence on electricity and cold water don't actually help productivity. And, studying outside made me develop a skill for real concentration!

...

I'm supposed to be doing a presentation and preparing for an orals exam for Thursday, but I guess that little update didn't hurt. Agh! I'm probably the last person to insist on nerdy virtues, but I really like what I'm learning- thus the hard work. I won't back down despite all these choo-choos going on.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

coffee limbo

That it's frustrating is an understatement. It's more like a hodgepodge of depression, sinusitis, palpitations, stress- no, I meant STRESS- pressure and a gallon of banality. Put them together and what have you got? Bibidibabi- ask Cinderella's fairy godmother.

I wish I have one. Poof! Genius! Poof! Speed! Poof! Ugh. I don't make sense. It wasn't suppose to be about any of these! It's about that direction I'm aiming at, that direction I'm fanatically pursuing. It's what I want to do, not what I want to become, that I'm after. Perhaps it's because they're insperable that's why I'm in Limbo. Or perhaps, I want them to make things easier. No, it must be the coffee.

I'm re-learning meditation from HS religion notes. Yes, I'm that desperate to get this out of this limbo.

Must... live... Ahh!!!

It doesn't NOT only make sense that when you've finally figured out your basically PoMo, which is practically an irony, you figure that, deep under your skin, you prize this standard, which you know is all crappy, against which you measure yourself, but that its not about this "world" that you're measuring yourself against but people's, sometimes, unfortunately, very dear friends, weird connections. So, yeah. It's not just that I'm sure peeps can never be sure- that "peeps" there includes me- but that regardless how much we try to break free, there will be something to hold us back, and we realize for a glimpse of sec, that we want that something to hold us back- It's the where-is-the-universe-expanding-to conundrum without that last thing to hold us back. And, yeah. I don't think anyone can be crazy-free. To me, it all boils down to being in the eyes of another person; that it's not the fact that you're being seen but that someone is looking.

I don't have the gift of metaphors, so I'm coming down hard. Hate this part. I'm not this, usually. It must be the coffee again. I'm in need of my comfy people! I was a bit worried if I hurt Ka in anyway when she asked me to have coffee with her and the other comfy people. If she felt the same lost-in-limbo last saturday, I'd probably offer myself as a PA to her too.

This is why I hate those teenage brats' angsty music, a that pathetic song by Lifehouse- You and Me yata. And, sheez, I'm freakin tired of that band who sang Over My Head. Selfish, redundant, self-pitying music. Gaahh! These brats are freaking lost. And, worse, they delight in it by establishing truths that make them comfortable about being lost! What irony.



For a more elucidating explanation:
Saturday: Morning Class, Afternoon research. Still not done with Monday paper. Coffee. Liars. Shocked at the liar! I saw it in her eyes! Prolly pissed at me.

Sunday: Overslept! Morning on Monday paper. Afternoon meeting. Sunday, very bad day. Star Coffee. Crazy man, literally, came to coffee table freaking everyone out. Felt chills. Rain. Very bad wind. Jittery because of Coffee. Peeps with bad mood. Chocked at my offence. Barely managed to contain myself. Smoothen table. Smokers! Super morning type type type. Still in first part.

Monday: Shocked at oversleeping. Lame excuse. Meeting with DS peeps. Group mate implied intimidation. Shocked. Usual touchy-feely sentiments dormant. Lost at how to deal with Juniors. Crappy paper. Paranoia didn't set-in, fortunately.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

who's the real joker?

"What is it that really makes sense? What is it that you really want to do? What is it that you hold on to that makes you persist? Why don't you just kill yourself i you think nothing makes sense because we'll all die anyway?!"

I was rendered mute after these last words slipped my mouth yesterday. I was half-chastising myself for allowing Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or whoever, to possess my body. It wasn't me at all- well, at least these days. I'm usually the one to right away jump on people to make them feel guilty, or lost about how right they are about their lives. But something about awful rain and coffee- or the smell of it- got me to this kind of mood. I mean, we were in the middle of Makati (!) and I was making such stupendously superfluous existential mumbo jumbo!

There was something about how confused Nes was about what she really wants out of her career. Obscure criticisms, which I make sure people forget afterwards, didn't come out! Instead, It was that voice I've long not used in everyday conversations. I stopped after 3 paragraphs of obscurity, knowing full well that I was talking about myself and not about their work. Clearly, I could've had used that same amount of brain power the day before for my paper, which I awfully rushed!

Reserve, dear. That's what I need. Philosophy can't be something over coffee! It was cheap and downright sophistic! It was presumptuous on my part to think, or even welcome the idea, that they knew how it is to live what I was talking about. I was wrong to believe that they knew my life very well, even if they are my closest friends!

Heh, it could've had gone worse, I guess. I was merely giving them questions to ask themselves and not some genuine Dr. Phil psychoanalysis. It's true that unless what I said was lived, they would remain the same obscure generalities about life and the world. But I guess the questions I threw at them weren't pure rubbish- well, I hope at least.

The "coffee session"- because we didn't really have coffee- came after some dinner and The Devil Wears Prada. Meryl Streep nailed the boss-from-hell character! The story was commonplace but its entire delivery gave it a new level of significance. I think there was something about the movie that led us to talk about career and future plans, which ultimately led us to the "coffee session".

Finally, a real weekend. I used up all my cuts for my saturday class- hell, I didn't wake up at seven because I was too tired and had no sleep from thursday to friday. Excuses, I know. Ugh this sucks. Anyway, a new entry at last after what seemed like a month. It's not about protesting some people who build their own kingdoms this time. Like this this groupmate who- nevermind. I'm trying to be so Zen these days that bugs like them don't seem to itch.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

wrong grammar

It really bothers me when a person claims he is part of something bigger than himself. It's puerile and a pure reflection of that desire to make any claims of reality legitimate. "We" in sentence becomes God, making claims sound like realities. Peeps of this kind deserve their own world where it's about We and The Other, a world where people are not individuals but clones. Live in your own world, and celebrate godhood. Ugh, disgusting.

But am I not doing the same thing with my psuedo-intellectual entries? Am I not claiming to be a god by stating "my" reality? I, too, undeniably, have a claim to truths but I don't use these truths to understand myself and other persons. And, what's there to understand anyway? "We", "I"? What are they anyway?

Perhaps my terrible grammar got in the way of what I meant to say. I merely described what I saw. People were too afraid to proclaim truths oppose to or not within the definitive categories truths (I like that!) these gods claim to be such- because going beyond these categories would mean a total overhaul of their entire understanding of their own identities. I aimed at showing this, nothing more. I didn't mean to convey that I was the victim?

I was being sarcastic about socializing in the room, dear. Apparently you were nice enough to believe me- I'm really thankful for that, honestly. Perhaps you were right about my version of socialization being one sided. No, no, no, this is "about" me, right? Yes, I am in the world of you and your people. Isn't that comforting?

Ha, I'm supposed to be studying for IR exam. Thanks for waking me up! Any more violent reactions? I wish to talk to seniors please. I'm glad I'm bothering the gods. And I still prefer to read people's thoughts no matter how "unintellectual" they sound. I see beauty.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

paranoia-inducing socialization

Sociopathy has yet to get a hold of me. Okay, that's fiction. I was supposed to rant about how my usual distant-but-near feeling-for people when I talk get all messed up whenever a friend gets really annoyed at my relentless pursuit of being the joker, until I realized that it would be fruitless. Imagine, these stupid things happening in the realm of friendship- luckily, only on that level.

Meanwhile on the physical plane... nothing. Well, planning is not exactly real is it? It's there above people's heads waiting for actual utilization. Plans, plans, and more plans for papers, for groupworks and projects. Layman's translation: WHAT? That's exactly my state of being right now. Well, "doing something" is very subjective indeed, so I'm quite at a lost to explain things. Okay, not just planning. I quit Chinoy. I thought it was the right thing to do because I wouldn't find any fulfillment in the task- and I'd probably come up with stupid articles anyway. I think my part wasn't any special so my absence wouldn't count. So, no damage there. On to other projects!

A friend's leaving for China. After what seems like a 6-month long hiatus on commmunication between us (I mean, the group (?)), she announced yesterday that she's leaving for China just like that! Isn't that great? There's very few friends and everyone's leaving.

I can't take it. Rant mode from paragraph one: Ugh, it sucks big time, especially when you've invested in friendship- or the mere probability of it. Yeah, I guess I'm the kind of joker who considers something as shallow(?) as that holy. I'm well grounded on such principles. It sucks big time when such connections are rendered trivial. Worse, it ruins my capacity to be comfortable with people, which already takes up a lot of my energies.

I really should understand experience as a gift more than anything else. It takes a lot of courage to do this.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

the week that was a month

It’s not exactly new, but the week launched (note: Sunday) by spewing random evils on my study table and computer desktop. A paper, a quiz, and the major report for UN class were lined up. I had to start early Sunday. There were lots of readings piled up, which I couldn’t organize in coherent thought.

Despite being deliberately perplexed throughout the week, there were goodies to be grateful for. I’m not hallucinating people! These are actual experiences and in no way “mere”, which a very qualified term here, psychical realities:

O, rejoice!

1. The tons-of-readings-class (i.e. UN class) concluded (!) yesterday with reports on East Timor, Afghanistan and mock goodbye chitchats with the Teach. A classmate was insisting on drama akin to parting words and what-we-should-improve-on mentoring type of conversations, albeit unsuccessfully. It wouldn’t have been so bad to listen, but I guess the Teach wasn't particularly interested in epitomizing The Panopticon.

I won’t definitely miss the heaps of readings, but the class and the brilliant Teach was worth a doodle in my memories- Uck! That attempt at schmaltz sucks. They were cool.

3. Hello mocha frappuccino! It's been a hell two years of abstinence, according to my psychical calendar, without you. Then I heard about fair trade- finally, something valid to rationalize exorbitant fee for coffee! Bah! I'm still just a student so a draught a month won’t hurt, probably. I had one yesterday, and surprisingly my caffeine-yesterday-depression-today didn’t act up this morning- my hyperacidity did.

4. Idol number 3 talked to me at the stairs of MVP in one on my way to the Caf. We sort of know each other from Immersion during senior year- and I got to hear her sharp yet feeling brilliance then. The chitchat was surreal, and I was blabbering “Is she actually talking to me?” in my head over and over again. It was probably purely perfunctory on her part, but to me it was beyond words. Now, I doubt whether that really happened.

5. I got to know, somehow, a small population of smarties and interesting peeps for the last month. This population is entirely different from the rigid, aloof, and well-lauded whiz kids during MIS days. It’s only now that I get to appreciate genius that makes sense.

...

I have to write something interesting about Evolving Chinese Traditions for Chinoy. Okay, not really. I'm no way the major player to organize everything for this section of the magazine- isn’t it just nice to know that you’re writing for a freshman? And, it's not exactly that I'm passionate about working for a theme I'm not particularly interested in. I'm just tired of the here's-what-Chinese-culture-is-all-about of Chinoy. It's eternal recurrence- a vicious circle if you're a pessimist- that the org “can't” get out of.

But (alas!), this can bring about doodles on issues about the relevance of Chinoys to society at large. This is one of my reasons for liking (?) Celadon’s VMO this year. But, really, mere “what we can do” is not enough. I really think issues not seen up the hill should be discussed- aside from the relevance thing. There’s a need of sophism to validate this point though.

Monday, August 14, 2006

the new what's what

Vanity doesn't get to me these days. Besides getting used to the usual worked-up face I see in the mirror every morning, the dark area that seems to encroach on both of my cheeks, and the persistent pimples I get everyday, I even don't bother with opinions too much.

I think I'm on my way to complete sociopath-y, if there's even such a word. I only want to get better now, not because of a certain "me" I want to appropriate my identity to, but because I want to do things better; to better my faculties for some purposes other than "being better". The difference gets a bit blurred because identity and action overlap; that by "doing better" necessitates "being better". But if you get to understand this in terms of motivation, there's a big diference.

There's a sense that it's not about some "me" I want to form, it's what I want to do that really matters. It's beyond peculiarity, I know, but it's very real to me.

...

Yes, something as basic as that requires enormous effort on my part to articulate. Why can't I reduce those three paragraphs in one sentence? I've been trying hard this thinking-in-chunks method but I can't seem to manufacture words smarties I know effortlessly write or say.

Once again- and yeah, I need to emphasize this- this frustration comes from the problem of mastery not a problem of identity. To the Foucauldians out there, I'm saying that I love the panopticon because it produces efficiency, not because of its production of categories.

My point: I was dismayed (note: not "hurt") when my essay was edited almost completely because it meant that my skills are not at par to what is good, or that I don't have an extensive range of writing styles.

Or that I procrastinated(!), thereby unleashing the gamut of rationalization strategies I have?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

classical social dynamics

See here, none of us, who persist through books, Internet and psychical realities, want to think of ourselves as the categorical social retard. To put this rather lightly, I’m the kind of person who’s completely oblivious when it comes to coquetry or any social dynamics of the like. To put it worse, it’s the same phenomenon with mob culture: me in the middle wondering why everyone brands my outlook idiosyncratic while validating his or her own. I’ve long concluded that the world doesn’t make sense. I do. So there, I may call myself socially clueless to get out of the rather bad nuances with the definition “social retard”.

Oh my God! I do sympathize with the victims of war in Mid East. This is not an exclamation. I repeat, this is not an exclamation; I’m declaring an exception. I’m up the hill from time to time but I’m no way indifferent to humanity’s ordeal.

Must switch from serious mode:

Come to think of it, I’m becoming a rather skewed social engineer, well not to the point of actually influencing peeps directly- It’s hard to resist really if they come too easy. The priests up the hill have completely brainwashed me indeed. Being with kids most of the time brings this weird hallucination; I can analyze them because I’m nearly at the fringes and somehow “above” things that make up their reality. Sure, too much fiction ruins your head. I’m actually bordering on hyperbole here but I guess you get my point.

Most of these happenings are ridiculous. Leaving them alone may be best for my nerves. But there are times when people just become too insensitive despite the harm coming out of their mouths. Yes, it’s the same high school dynamics where everyone’s a copy of each other and the little breach of those established borders means ostracism or worse, stigmatization of a category whether recycled or created. Then all hell break loose: the victims suffer, multiple identities try to politicize their relevance for survival while the victors legitimize theirs, and the innocents became repressed themselves while- Okay, let’s cut that short. I’m sounding too unoriginal mouthing otherworldly brains.

Of course, I’m talking about college. The latter’s supposed to describe that anomalous state of being in between the questionable “real world” and “your world”. It’s that buffer space for additional growing-up things where individuality should begin to flourish.

And, it’s all backwards with student orgs’ culture. Fine, I’m talking about losers defining losers defining losers in Celadon. I proclaim hither that I don’t like most peeps there these days; too amateur, too overbearing, too much of fantasy about their identities that I can’t tolerate- anymore. But I still have dear friends there, so I must stay.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about bullying. In college terms, it takes a more sophisticated form than blatant pulling of hairs or gang wars; it doesn’t even come close to blatant ostracism. It becomes a talk on corners type, something that’s happening but you can’t have a grasp of it. With more sophistication, the weaker it is detected by peeps’ consciousness. Evil.

Here’s chismax #1: the creepy guy case. Peeps who have nothing to do with him, peeps he hasn’t “stalked” have been the one exploiting his story and filling in hungry chismakers. My gulay, if they want their own stalkers, they can always get me. What is it for them, anyway? Ask me live and I’ll tell you. Chismax #2: the bitter guy who’s in every project- a relatively new kanto term that refers how irritable people around him is alat. Okay, I get the fact that he gets irritating at times, but why the obsession with regard to it? It’s basically a battle about who’s abnormal between two peeps in a conversation. Peeps must convince their minions to go to their side. It’s human nature that’s why it’s stupid- but it feels very necessary when you get to experience it. So when I advised a complainant about Chismax #2, I wasn’t surprised that he kept vacillating between justifying his hate and acceptance. It was so funny I didn’t even laugh.

Yeah, I’m probably proposing of some unfeeling and neutered society- ha, The Giver type! No, I’m proposing that people should stop stigmatizations because these things become a priori to understanding persons. It’s a real unhealthy habit for the both the sink and the source- and it’s healthy for me because I can make fun of everyone. I’m really for genuine experience of people if you’re after genuine relationships. For politicians though and similar animals, this may not apply. Perhaps because most peeps in Celadon are, in a way, politicians, they manipulate opinions regardless of harm.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

walang tulugan

Kuya Germs, ikaw ba yan?

I swear, I've been staring at the monitor for some 2 hours now and I still haven't come up with a proper structure on how to do my synthesis paper for development mgt class. And, I'm apparently wasting time blogging, hoping that something up in my head lights up. I really feel like puking right now.

The teacher was too kind to give us liberty on the paper. It's basically up to us on how to go about it: no guidelines, no precise expection regarding content, not even a how-to-frame-the-cases. What exactly are we to look for or brood about?! I used to have a knack for this, but I lost it apparently to 2 years of excruciating MIS-ing years. I can pretty much blabber about things said in class, but I wouldn't feel original and really articulate. The latter should be a goal. It's enough that I look a total ass speaking my thoughts.

A reflection paper? No, no, no! I don't want to come up with one lame super subjective essay. I want something that really attacks development management issues, which the teacher was too kind not to elaborate.

Uck, still nothing... and this is due tomorrow, no, later!!!

Not only this. I have a quiz and a graded recitation tom. I'm not complaining, I'm reminding myself to plan ahead next time. Ugh.

I was thinking on putting up something smart (i.e. pseudo intellectual) about social dynamics. But I'm not yet done with arraging it and I also have something important to do. I'll have a proper entry by sunday morning.

Monday, July 24, 2006

incoherence baybeh!

And so it happens that my weekend doesn't. The grrness of it all... Monotony is not the problem- Geez, I enjoy my classes this time and the more than unorthodox schedule; it's the times when I actually speak my own language. I can only do this with my friends, with all my incoherence and twisted logic. Dang, it's not Chinese, but I guess peeps know what I mean. Anyway- okay there's really no "anyway" anyway because, once again there had been no adventure on the physical plane during the weekend, except maybe jumping through islands of concrete, skillfully avoiding the encroaching sea of garbage/mud/flood on my way to and back from school.

Luckily I'm human enough to imagine something's really happening. Well, aside from the war between the Hezbollah (did I spell that right?) and Israel, which, if you're really the pessimistic type, is the exact demonstration of the maxim about history. They're invading Lebanon if you're an Arab, I guess. And thanks to Philippine media, SONA means the next big event in my life. Oh yes, they're very effective in doing this collective hallucination for people, and I buy them, big time. Okay, putting my psuedo- intellectualism out of the matter, "what the world is" and "what's happening" matter. I just thought of the nasty and pompous "debate" I had with some brats last week, thus the insipid re-doodlement of my strong point.

Where was I? Yes, about my psychical reality. Nah, it's not really about the weekend- or pure hallucination- that I've created a reality about. It's about some "funny" stuff last week, which is entirely subjective- so suckers, bugger off. Oh, there was an actual, meaning physical, theatrics during UN class! But those were too interesting in my own world and thus too petty for doodling. Going back to my earlier point:

1. The new assistant of my dentist turned out to be a High school mate! She's 3 years my senior, so one year older than my sis- they were quite tight because of HS choir, through which I got to know her. It was quite weird though that someone you laughed with during chorale days is now scrutinizing your mouth- which is actually a layer away from the soul if you come to think of it. I thought she lost that pure humor she had, until we began talking. Okay, I'm weak at narrating so I'll leave this in one paragraph.

2. She mentioned that her cousin, a batch mate, a pseudo-friend and who we lost contact with for more than 3 years methinks, ran away from home! Sankapah dibah? I forgot to dig into details about it because I was in a hurry to get to the bookstore after my session with the Dentist.

3. Karotski dropped by about 6 pm earlier. Kamusta naman yan dibah? It was raining awfully hard then but she managed to swim through flood to get to our place. I was surprised but skillfully hid it and manifest my nonchalance about it. See, I always think that the last vestige of my privacy is my home so I’m rather sensitive about friends coming over. Anyhow, I forced her to come with me to buy a piggy bank for a celadon fund raising project.

4. I’ve realized recently that I’m close to being a fanatic, yes, not to the point of bombing myself because I strongly believe in cause. I believe in some cause but I value relationships more than the zeal I have for this cause. Relationships sustain and causes give direction. Sorry about the lame maxims I always use to end my random thought with. I guess they reflect the fanaticism I mentioned. I must understand that there’s no one way to understand this life- thus forfeiting my maxims! Good, good!

5. I realize that I don’t actually abhor people who seem counter the way I understand things. I hate their actions resulting from their “inept” “what is”, especially is these things manifest themselves through interpersonal relationships, like hate, disgust, and cursing groups of people. Drop by Celadon room anytime there seems to be uproar, and you’d know what I mean. But I guess they’re okay since they’re kids. But again, in a way, they want to validate their own understanding of people so I’m back with the debate on fanaticism- well, at least in my head.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

the lost phone

Ugh, I lost my cellphone on the train to cubao- I realized it on my way to the grocery store- really stupid. For the average lad up the hill, or even throughout the archipelago, really, it may not be worth much. But to me, it's the only connection to civilization- apart from the internet. This is big time. I'm probably living without one for an entire two months, unless I buy one of those 1k++ phones somewhere in Quiapo. They're probably stolen- and I'd probably get jailed- but I'd have a cellphone. Okay, I'm being too honest here...

It's encroaching, creeping in really slowly, but no way subtly. I know I'm in no way taking care of myself, but I want peeps important to me to understand that I'm getting there- and fervently wanting to get there. I no longer want to rely too much on anyone anymore, and see later that peeps get hurt because my weakness- oh yes people, rule #1: irony is truth. Now, things lost bear great toll; in a sense, I'm on my own to build things for myself. I feel that, very strongly. I'm trying not to ask for anything anymore from anyone, at least for the things I need. I want to be content with what's given and work for things that I need further.

You broke it you buy it. I'm making this a rule of life for myself. Now, I'm trying to sell new age and occult books, if anyone is interested just comment here. I'm also planning to showcase them to my beloved Celadon peeps in the future. To the Jesuits, I'm encouraging scholarly attitude towards these demonized mysticisms of various religions. I'm in no way encouraging heresy.

...

In another drama, is it possible to resent something that had not been yours in the first place? Anyway, I realized that the "pain" I was carrying for the first two years of college- from highschool- had been completely imaginary. During those times, it was a realignment of my entire aim at life that got me over it but I think realizing how stupid it was could have been more efficient motivating me to move forward. The pain is still there, and I don't think it'll be gone. Getting over it seems more like the pain being part of who you are more than it being completely erased from memory. Beautiful people to me are those who have been hurt but still thriving. Perhaps I'm aiming to be in the same league.

This is too much a hackneyed term, but I guess I'm a lot stronger now. My ability to get hurt pushes me forward- wanting to experience more from this world. Okay, that's really hackneyed. I'm ready, I guess- though I fear a lot of things. I'm not too lost and afraid now; there's an aim that I'm after. Thank God and the people who have rescued me. Rule #2: most cliches are true anyway.

...

Things to look forward this week:
1. Dinner with kids I grew up with- sponsored by karotski! Probably a movie later.
2. Reformating my HD. Nothing seems to fix my sound problem. Music, thereafter!
3. Gascon class! Woohoo! Old school teaching and he's super wise, mind, not "smart"- a lot of vain smarties Teachs these days.
4. Indian movie at Ken's with Ka and company. It's only his own obsession actually.
5. Finish Foucault's History of Sexuality Vol 2 and 3. Feeling smart? I'm a wannabe smarty anyway.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

kid at the door

Finally! After more than a month of brooding about my new layout, it's finally up! I had a lot of trouble positioning each layer- ok, who would care anyway. Phew, at last a new layout after a year. This is really hard work for me! Dreamweaver is too sophisticated for my use! Yep, this is all manual stuff- and probably won't work in firefox. Those two browsers are really different- again who would care? I have a new layout for IE a least! Yey! I can finally start on my assignment- those kids at my study group's probably cursing me not yet having my part of the assignment uploaded.

Oh, I'd like to point out that I'm no way down. Someone told me the pictures really look sad in this layout. I was surprised because I thought they project something profound other than sadness- yes it's part of the entire theme but it's not supposed to be its entirety. It's a story actually. Again, it's a story for me so opinions don't really count so much. The main element in this layout is the kid at the door. The "the identity myth" thing is just a sort of allusion for a short while of foucauldian education/obsession- and I agree, for practical purposes too. The minuscle alethiometer has something to do with identity- you should know if your a Philip Pullman fan! "Identity" is also connected to the kid at the door, and, at last, to the eye- to which I seem to have developed a wierd attachment (It was in my last layout, though not this pretty).

Enough art talk- yeah, yeah. Peeps may think that this is all an excuse to seduce the mind to invoke mystery looking at my layout- and they may be right! Hehe! It's similar to magic realism in movies, which critics claim to understand. Anyway, I'm not getting paid for this. Okay, reading assignments next!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

arguably annoyed

I just got into one of those ludicrous "debate" about Philippines' hopelessness. If you're an Atenean and have taken Philo 103 then this "problem" wouldn't even exist because hope takes another meaning. No, this meaning doesn't apply to common parlance; hope means optimism for the non-philosopher. It was ludicrous because we kept on repeating the same points for about an hour and a half without succumbing to either arguments or coming up with a compromise. Yes, there was a "compromise" because the janitor insisted that we had to leave the room- without finishing our pompous debate. So yes, this blog entry is to further annoy myself, and hopefully to convince myself that they were wrong- at least logically.

Since I'm a DS major, I had to defend that there's hope in improving the country- specifically through micro means- grass roots (Uso local government eclat ngayon!). Not really, I really believe that we can do something. I thought that this was enough to justify that something good is happening. They countered that no, everything has to happen through government, which they "premissed" to be absolutely evil- the junior student even mentioned some "soap opera-ic" stuff that happened to his granddad, who was a politician. Not that I'm bastardizing his granddad’s memory, but it's not enough to prove that the government- I'm thinking of it as its entirety- is bogus. I had to reinforce the idea that things work in micro level, that they're looking at things more from the macro level that's why everything seems going downhill. I had to give Marikina's example on education blah blah blah; they had to give multitude examples of corruption in the government blah blah blah. And things go nowhere...

Sorry, but I'm more inclined to think that "I've lost hope in our country" is but a rationalization device to justify their decision to leave the Philippines after graduation. All right, there's not really one reason why people leave- like self-realization and what not; Perhaps you want a more opportunities or to support your family by having a well paying job abroad, etc. The point is that it’s sick to use the line to justify going abroad, that is if you’re really concerned with the country’s development. There’s a lot we can do to make things better.

Just to reiterate my point, for my own sake, I’m not discriminating against people who go abroad. They have their own reasons- genuine ones. I demand that these pompous pricks- not that the ones in the “debate” were- admit that they’re after other things and leaving the country’s future aside, convincing themselves that although they are really concerned with what’s happening to people in our country, nothing good will come out of their actions. They won’t have to deal with their conscience after convincing themselves of this hopelessness dogma.

Now, I'm not sure about the drama part. I'd say T.V. has indeed brainwashed them; that "everything about our country fails" has etched its way to their brains- maybe not that. There are indeed a lot of things to frown about our country. I’d say that there’s a good reason to feel that everything’s so wrong. However, Saying that you’ve done your part doesn’t mean you’ve explored all venues for development. It doesn’t even make sense that you’ve done “everything” on your part.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

kamusta ka naman, di ba?

Upon a sudden burst of boredom, here goes my unretiring effort to keep my blog updated. I've finalized the photo for my new layout but I still haven't prepared the CSS code for it. Nah, I tried using dreamweaver, didn't know how it's supposed to work. Anyway, the point is I'm removing cobwebs here.

I'm well aware that it's 2 in the morning and that I'm eating this whole grain cereal thing. It's something Oprah advised people to take to better their digestion- Foucauldian stuff doesn't apply. Im still buried in the heaps of reading from my UN class- apparently this has something to do with the preceding lines in this paragraph. I must keep up. I chose this! And, the teach's supposed to be great, so this should be fun. No, the class is actually fun except for the tons of readings. I got papercuts all over my body. See, I read on my bed, sitting indian style while bending my back to decipher those legal terms. Ugh, why do people have to use latin language? And, I'm confused how they use "thus" and "hereby". So far, no bad luck. No worries on alien language.

Heh, the title's supposed to be a funny line used in chit chats among college peeps. It's supposed to be a dated gay term. Apparently, my summer hybernation turned off any sense of civilization in me. I was the only one hysterical during a marketing talk (hosted by Celadon) when the host kept on using the line- after demonstrating bad tele-marketing (do I even have to put a dash in there?) to imaginary sponsors. I had a good laugh. I was never into these things but it turned out alright- except that it was a little disorganized. Well, almost anything good is a little disorganized to me. That would count as something bad. Oh the irony of it all, our group even won the contest- I think mainly because of our humor.

On a more solemn note, I'm really enjoying my major subjects. These are the things I really want to learn- and do (give more weight in "do"). Then again, hard work. But that's not an obstacle when you love what requires it. On a more OC note, I'm on a fish diet. I'm trying to be healthy but I think I'm close to starving my self. On a more social note, I'm having fun hanging out with kids at the Celadon room avery TTH 1030 to 130.

Must not keep delaying my new layout! Must work.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

freude! freude!

Yeah, I've been obsessing about classical music lately- I even read up on them. Imagine, an actual phase. I had this phase before, albeit milder. I ended up downloading lots of classical music. It's happening again. Yes, I'm bored- at last! I never had a week's time to think things through. Being bored is good because you reali- never mind. I never had this week despite 3-month's time of vacation. Ooh, I finally found the source of "Joyful Joyful" christian music! Lauryn Hill sang a pop version of it in Sister Act 2! Ha! An excerpt from Beethoven's 9th symphony:

Freude trinken alle Wesen
An den Brüsten der Natur;
Alle Guten, alle Bösen
Folgen ihrer Rosenspur.
Küsse gab sie uns und Reben,
Einen Freund, geprüft im Tod;
Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben,
Und der Cherub steht vor Gott.

Go figure. Not much goings-on on the physical plane; I'm still brooding about my schedule, if you can even call it that. School starts on munday. Hopefully, hell won't follow. I'm looking forward to my classes, despite their incredibly bad timeslots. Three months worth of vacation revived me indeed! Thanks to Mom and Dad and friends! Okay, that was dorky.

Now, about Celadon's formsem last saturday, I'd rather not say much. The program was generally okay but people weren't that great. It was high school all over again and I was Michel Foucault! I had this awful moment with a room mate to whom I divulged my disgust to drinking. Never mind, I'm sure he realized I was exaggerating. Hopefully he didn't end up realizing that I was the odd one out- and that I'm ultimately a social retard! Well, that's not much of a secret anyway so I'll be fine. There was a lot of new peeps. I'm really glad that most of them were worth my time- imagine that, "worth my time!". The pool was also great, we ended up with wrinkled fingers. Oh, and a lot of plastered smiles but I don't get flustered by them easily these days.

About work, I'm definitely getting one next sem! My sched this sem's beyond abnormality that I can't secure either a day or a night job.

Friday, June 09, 2006

been there, been that

I'm definitely back up the hill, where afflicted affectations seem to be the fashion and Taglish is the national language. Oh yes, I almost felt at home until I noticed that the Caf didn't have any familiar faces: few were left of my batch mates. Luckily, the cashiers and the ate's were the same- no, teachers didn't count, they were of some other order of species. I got to see a couple of these familiar species in my Philo and MIS teach, one while feeding himself and the other, mumbling to himself mind you, while running to SS- to fix some computer problem I presume. Oh, they remain to be curious creatures- Idols, I say! Sarcasm doesn't apply to Teachs, that would be blatant sin.

The Hill's ecosystem is not anywhere near deterioration, ladies and gentlemen. The new mall (a.k.a. MVP-Colayco) is definitely something to color fellow student's life. Something's going on with Mateo-Ricci too.

It was the worst Reg in my entire college life- details sometime in the future, which can also mean never! I have to say that a lot of peeps almost snapped upon my request for their account of the reg. I think they ended at around 730- just for processing all seniors. Something was wrong with the server methinks. There was a point when a Regcom person checked our regform thrice. She was totally out of it- must have been hit in the head somewhere. I totally sympathize with them. Angas on their part was totally tolerable, especially whenever I needed comic relief from the ennui of waiting.

Our DS chair was really kind! He really helped me figure out what courses to take. He even helped me get enlisted after Ate Mel (DS secretary) got home. I was really quite perplexed by the profound absurdity of my schedule- I still am. Two paragraphs seem not enough for further elaboration. Anyway, Sabog but I think I got all the good electives! We never had any really advisement in MIS!

...

This is but to remove cobwebs in my blog. I'm preparing a new layout- finally. Probably Next week... Hardly has anything been up there to really brood about, inanity is my savior.

Monday, May 15, 2006

of caffeine and watermelons

I'm not really into parading sappy stuff about my life, but this really is a good outlet to feel, somehow, at ease. I hope this isn't the result of chocolate overdose; I have this notion that you're bound to be down down down when you're so up yesterday. Hell no, I ate half a watermelon yesterday not tons of chocolates. I don't think watermelons have caffeine. Plus, I've been downloading really cathartic songs. Really bad combination...

I really think these sentiments aren't worth brooding about. I mean, look at the world! Seriously, people with life coaches should rethink their priorities. But still, I need some sort of channel to free myself of this worthless worries.

This is it for my high school friends. I really feel like we're really really parting- the closest people drifting away. It this "letting go, moving forward" shit that I'm weakest in- I never even experienced real college life until third year because of some unnecessary baggage from high school. There's four of my closest friends, one went to Indonesia, another preparing for Qatar, another one I barely get to talk to, and the last one's working already. The fact that I'm living alone only makes things worse: they're the only ones that make this "living alone" quite enjoyable, even "sustaining" that empty part of my existence. I mean when I say "life", they're in the picture that makes my life somehow colorful to look at. Okay, maybe these may even be hyperbole but I can't take severing old friendships. I can't quite build the same relationship with new people.

I can't imagine how my Mom felt when my sister left for Canada; I can almost imagine how I would be when my friends finally leave. I remember talking my way out of high school drama. I know there's a lot of other more significant things to do with life, but parting really makes these "better things" suck. I'm not good at it. Yes, I think I am making the same departure. But what I'm aiming at seems void of meaning without people who can sustain me. This is what I fear.

No, I won't end with some stupid maxim for once. I'm not sure where this is all going to lead anyway. Eating watermelon late at night is bad. Also, Chocolates and mushy songs don't go together. This is all I must say.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

two weeks of newness

Flying was a weird experience- yes, it was my first time. No, the worn smiles of the flight attendants- as they are properly labeled- nor the irritable fellow passengers didn’t help. It was the microcosm of Asia in the sky where the Chinese was the superior race. Damn jerky Pinoy to my right didn’t get his cup of water half an hour before arriving at CKS airport; Damn chinky Chimays-in-the-sky were still wearing those frozen smiles on our exit. We shared the same skin color and eyes. I was supposed to be Chinese but I’m not.

Lush hills and mountains jutted out as if to guard entire neighborho--- I won't even begin to be all-romantic about this. Taipei city or even the whole of Taipei county is infested with scooters and black dogs! Kids have anime-like hairstyles, smooth skin, and clad in uniforms of their respective schools- the ones you see in Japanese Manga and movies- with uniformed sweaters to boot. It was cold and the air was foggy, at least during my first week there.

It was the nicest "naturey" place I've been too; the city and thick shrubberies and large trees complemented each other very well. They even have squirrels and different kinds of birds on their parks. A man feeding squirrels with tomatoes is the best image etched in my memory. Taipei city proper was very neat, free of the usual trash that littered manila. Even people seemed more neat. It was a far better city that manila, it was obvious enough when I arrived at their airport- a hundred fold better than NAIA.

I tell you, I belong, though not quite. I was rendered clueless by the local dialect. Luckily, I was able to survive most of the conversations that involved me with well-rehearsed nods and unctuous smiles. I didn't rehearse that last bit, it was all-natural. Half-cursing my high school Chinese Education and lamenting why I stopped speaking even Fukien after high school, I go along exploring the rest of Taipei county, unnerved to realize that I had irony written across my face. I was a thick blockhead pompous enough to pretend that I understood all the things spoken to me.

I confirmed that I was Pinoy. It was great to be in a well developed country, to feel the culture, to celebrate their accomplishments, and just to be in a better place. I just didn’t resonate with all of it though. After the initial excitement I felt during the first days of my stay, it occurred to me that I missed the people in my country, my friends and Manila.

On the plane bound for Manila, an old Pinoy hag was sitting on the seat near the window, which my ticket said was mine. I took the pleasure in pretending to be Chinese, talking to her in English, arguing that the one she was sitting on was my seat. She was hesitant to move. The little brown imp, I mean hag, grumbled some unintelligible words and ended up talking to Annie (the Pinay on the center block of seats. We were on the left block of seats), “Eh mareklamo ’tong isang toh”. I kept my disguise just to see how it would end up. Haha, the chinky flight attendant! I was about to show Chimay my ticket while pointing the seat the hag was on when the hag suddenly ejaculated, “Okay, okay, sit”, transferring to the one near the gangway. It was my first time sitting near the window. No hag was going to stop me.

When I took out my Baudrillard excerpt, she seemed unsettled. When I marked the only lines that made sense to me, she exclaimed to Annie, who was probably her daughter, “Pinoy yata!”. I took out the Gift magazine and read the Chinese portion intending for her to see. It was the best show I could deliver. I think I succeeded. When I closed the window she said, “E di nainitan ka din!”- Rather oafish really.

She thought I was Chinese. These things have always been there; it will outlive the hag. It was a good performance though.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

nag hammadi shit

Mom has been bugging me to find The Da Vinci Code among the friends I lent it to. I've been bugging Ka to return it to me, although unsuccessfully. The National Geographic featured the Gospel of Judas last week. Mom was riveted to the show. She was elaborating her theories about how the Catholic doctrines and dogmas today are just based on opinions of old men before. I, being the good 'college graduate', explained some Theo 121 to her; that, indeed, there were some "politics"- or "discernment" or anything within quotation marks- involved in everything: about whether Jesus was human or God, about Mary being called mother of God or mother of Christ, of the selection of the gospels- Jesuit rhetoric basically, albeit amateur and stupid. The show ended with some thing like Why Do we Believe the Faith We Have. Nice, really. I mean would it mean that our faith is based on the selection to come up with the gospels, which most Catholics prefer to believed as inspired by God. Even if this selection is inspired by God, it was the bishops who did it then, the faith of the few. The Judas thing was really a minor concern- at least to me.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our faith is based on two things: the texts and politics within the Catholic church. How can we legitimize that our faith is The Faith then. If we, however, based our belief on our experience alone, would that faith be legitimate as well? The Jesuits' answer would include both, but how can you justify that something in our lives, the lives of the bishops or even the lives of the authors of the sacred texts, is touched by the divine? The Gnostic gospels represented the other tradition of Christianity. Crap, even today within the ranks of the Protestants and Catholics there has been differing doctrines and, ergo, sects.

I'm not even trying to objectify The Faith. Mysteries are okay, but how This Faith is constituted is arguably weak. I will never prefer rhetoric- of yes and no. I know there's no Objective Truth, that Faith is always an appropriation of the community it belongs to. See, with this the question regarding the texts seems to disappear. This is the best irony the world was ever known, the irony most Catholic-educated believe in. I'm lost on how to continue too.

Tada, this is why I prefer Philosophy. It's the thing that is most faithful to our experience as Man. It gives me a feeling that I can understand this "life" on my own capacity and experience. It's the approximation of "truth" based on my experience as an individual and all of humanity. It seems more hallowed than anything else.

...

Ugh, I hate being too earnest, not in this blog anyway- anymore. This will be the last time I'd do things like that. I'm literal and stupid when it comes to serious things anyway. I must keep that since people prefer parades of masks and irony.

I was thinking of giving thanks to the people who mattered in my four years of college. I thought of doing that in my last entry. I didn't do it- obviously. Unfortunately, for me, doing so would have only revealed my murderous inclination towards those not included. Yep, the world is black and white. But it's the end of holy week; brutality is but a memory of my freakin' college life. Yes, come this June is not anything near "college life". Well, I'd like to think that to get me motivated.

Where was I? Yes, about murdering people. I've been downloading Death Note manga. It's about this murderer, Kira, who receives this Death Notebook from a shikigami (God of Death) and starts killing to purify the earth of criminals- by just writing their names in the notebook and knowing their faces. But a genius and renowned detective, L, is tailing him. Naturally, they'd like to kill each other. I really like it, especially the scenes where they confront each other with only a slightest certainty that the other is the one they'd like to finish. Methods of how you would make the other confess that he is who you think he is is a great deal here or how you would make the other fall for the traps you laid for him in a conversation to increase the chance that he is who you think he is. I also like how to the killer thinks of ways to kill without leaving any trace, anticipating how the detectives would thing. Okay, enough nonsense.

Friday, March 31, 2006

the house is half-empty

No, this is not about pessimism- I'm not even sure if I get that right. They're emptying the house once again. I thought the ones they moved to the other house last year were the last. I was apparently mistaken. Yesterday, they moved the dining table and my cabinet. I have used them since I can remember, now they’re gone. They got me a new one, a cold metal cabinet. They still haven’t bought a new dining table. It doesn’t feel like I’m home anymore, I feel like a dormer. It was awkward enough to walk into a vacant space. Calling it a living room seems absurd even with the T.V. on. The house seems bigger though.

Prospects on getting out of the country are bleak, I guess. That leaves me looking for work. I should earn my allowance for the next school year come this June. Independence day (read Aguinaldo’s June 12) comes after the First Salary.

On other news, Graduation happened last Friday (March 24). The speeches were too expected to get into me. MVP made it a point that half the graduates would nod to sleep after his speech. He was successful on that part though. I didn’t doze, I was counting how many companies he mentioned he owns. I was half-priming to get all cathartic before the graduation. It didn’t happen though. I was at a lost getting out of the mob, trying to get to the parents’ seats. I tried my best to get emotional hugging people I became friends with. I didn’t feel any loss. I want to believe that I’m just shocked about the entire thing.

I went to Celadon’s year ender party. It was cool. Mattel, who was the only Celadon alumni I’m friends with, came, but only for some 30 minutes. The fashion show was dramatic! Never in my life have I beheld a model perfectly simulating a dead body with unblinking eyes. Oh, and someone got drunk. I wonder if he died that night. Luckily enough, I didn’t break his cocktail-bowl (oh, educate me). I wouldn’t have to worry about ghosts terrorizing me. Believe me, this is not mean.

Blue Roast took place the day before graduation- or was it Wednesday? It was okay, I guess. I was with a brat the entire time (kidding!). All the time I was trying my best to be friendly- I ate up most of the chocolates at home to prepare. It didn’t pay off at the end of the day though. It was a bit disappointing not to see people I’ve been closest with. Fireworks were fantastic and I even had my picture taken with Father Nebres though.

My social life- oh yes I used to have a healthy one- is definitely going down hill. The night out we’ve been organizing for my high school clique (oh, sue me) this Saturday is not going pretty at all. Confirmed attendance: 5. I tried joining a reading group- a social theories group- but I opted not to attend the first meeting earlier at 9 pm. Dorkiness is needed for nerdiness come this June. Besides, I want to feel not so stupid.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

near-grad happenings

Yes, I'm trying too sift out every bit of sense from the short while of my unemployed life. No, I'm not trying hard punishing myself for not getting "real" interviews or exams for any "real" job. Graduating peeps have this general principle that it's fabulous to bum around for the first few months. Bizarre if you ask me, but I'm jumping on the bandwagon for rationalization purposes. Going back to my initial musing, the universe was kind enough to provide humor despite the more obvious void:

Cool #1: Went to school yesterday to talk to DS chair. I was half expecting someone intimidating but, luckily, he was kind enough to hear my mind-numbing explanation as to why I’m taking another course. He concluded that I had to take it for a year and a half. Glad that’s over-I really have to work on eloquence. I remember the secretary half- smirking when I told her I was the kid who figured out what he really wants to do after 4 years of excruciating MIS “training”.

Cool #2: I got all my grades finally. It’s the first time that there’s not a C+! All were B’s except for Jap (A)! I was a bit disappointed in Philo though. My papers were really high except for the orals! The B’s in Theo and Decision Analysis were a bit surprising. I was expecting C+’s in both. Moving on…

Cool #2: After, I had dinner with Andz in The Old Spaghetti House. Pasta was yummy and the cheesecake yummier. We had to empty our pockets for that dinner. During the chit-chat, she told me it’s worse to talk about other peeps because doing so would mar the slightest sense of importance the two people have in the conversation. I had to agree. What’s more interesting than ourselves? We watched this old flick at her place- Orange Something? We concluded that it perfectly illustrated Foucault’s Discipline and Punish. Had to borrow her paper on History of Sexuality to refresh my grasp of Foucault more easily- coolness!

Cool #3 Bought two books afterwards: Hard-bound Lord of The Flies (rare!), and Eragon. Andz recommended the former. She told me it got her scared for humanity. I had to buy it! I have this impression that she’s one of those peeps who rarely allow ideas get to her. The latter is to satisfy my inner urchin. I had to slap myself after shopping.

Cool #4: Grabbed a coffee with Ka and Ken last Saturday- Ness was not available once again! We had the usual chit-chat about our plans and stuff. They told me they were joining the Amazing Race Asia version- I was like “what?” They have to submit a short video to apply. We are to shoot it come this Thursday. I’m supposed to prepare some witty lines for their dialogue. They prefer shoot the video while jogging. They have to pay me for this.

Cool #5: Watched Pride and Prejudice the afternoon before our coffee session (i.e. dibidi). Was the best classical novel movie adaptation I’ve watched. The English was complicated the way we read it in the novels. Neat! I didn’t expect Ms. Knightley to act very nicely. I love Lady Catherine!

Now, I can’t seem to read the Cosmos’s hidden message. I’m afraid I’m taking Ms. Zafra too literally. When irony gets the best of me, I tend to take it not as such. "The universe has a weird sense of humor", according to Ms. Zafra. Perhaps, experience makes sense when it doesn’t. I intend to be abducted by aliens to prove this otherwise. I’ve seen UFOs twice already so it’s not impossible.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

then what?

After all the orals, written exams and papers, which was supposed to be distributed through out a month but packed in one week, one is but expected to have some sort of tranquility and harmony with everything, la la la la la. It did not happen- and won't especially when you've tons of regrets about the final orals you had with you favorite Theo teacher. I sucked at the orals- terribly flunked! I realized how I could've answered moments before my time was up! It was something to do with Fundamental Option and Social Sin- an easy topic yet I forgot how I was supposed to deliver. Naturally I was so freakin' pissed getting out of Theo Dept- and more pissed seeing the stupid Benildean-turned-Atenean "friend", who kept insisting we didn't do any hard work in our capstone course (the much loved ITM course)- he had to rub his merit in my face.

If you're dense enough to follow me to this point, you'll see the title makes no connection to the first paragraph. What the? you ask. Thank you very much. What was that about? Anyway, I was so freakin' pissed, right? After that, I went straight to two of my best buds who were already watching Memoirs of Geisha at Ken's house (i.e. dibidi). The skanks didn't wait for me! Naturally, I lambasted them with my complaints and regrets about my substandard performance towards the conclusion of my college life.

Okay, I've nothing more to say about post-grad mushy shit. Cathartic musings about graduation have become so omnipresent since last Saturday that even YM status messages shout them- seniors, how pathetic have we become? Naturally, I was one of the emos who put up a similar messages. True enough, such musings may be so common they make us puke, but they're so true we can't escape them- Pabaon was all about such. Pabaon was a nice way of assuring seniors that there's something good down the hill. I was convinced, brainwashed, hypnotized, however you want to put it, with whatever they did in the program, especially Father Nebres's part- except the hour-long PowerPoint show by Guidance and Placement. The latter two tried to individualize us by announcing statistical shit about "our" personality. How about that? You just have to love them for attempting at irony.

Sarcasm aside, this is supposed to be a reflective entry- I've been using "profound" too much, thus the word. I forgot what I was being serious hours earlier. While I was tweaking some codes for my drop down menu (see under chronicles), I thought of something brilliant, but I can't remember it. I think it had something to do with my attempt to work/study after MIS. I haven't talked to the relevant people in school- be doing it tomorrow. Call center may prove to be the most lucrative part-time job there is- but I'm too proud to be take on the job. Shit, I need cash- must start independence right away.

I'm too literal to even make this look trivial. I'm not too lost now, thank God! I used to worry too much about post-grad scenario. I've finally realized that I was afraid only because I imagine it to be such. Must act. I'm trying to get into a few odd jobs just for the sake of experience. I'm not sure about most things anyway there's no point not trying.

...

After trying so hard to digress from post-grad musings, I end up with the same things. Just for a semi-sidetrack, I'd like to point out my profound indifference regarding the current "crisis" in Celadon. I have my opinions and I've signed a stupid survey. People are already frothing at the mouth about it. I shouldn't add any uneducated speculations. Celadon is a microcosm of Philippine society, where the "members" who "have a stake" at what's happening are but the people who make tambay at the celadon table and their galamays. Beat my conyo. Old enmities surfaced the way I like it- must solve through parliamentary means.

Okay, that was not a nice way of ending the ties I have with the org. Don't get me wrong, I love most of the people in there. I just don't like how some people point out the issue's relevance to their lives as though Celadon is some living entity- just like how politicians make use of "The Philippine Society" or the Common Good. Love the freakin' retards. Don't appeal to any abstract stuff, we know politics.

Friday, March 03, 2006

keana-isms!

I don't really watch Pinoy Big Brother. But with this, I'm definitely going to everyday- that is, after the hellish exams. I'm rooting for Keana Reeves! She's too smart for the other housemates- no sarcasm meant.

...

Keanna-isms on Celebrity Pinoy BigBrother
c/o Histrionics of a balding Drama King
www.illenberger.org

Keanna: "Di ko alam na pinag-uusapan ako kasi ba't naman ako nila paguusapan? di ko naman bertdey"
__________________________________________________

Keanna: "Andami kong pimples wala kasing moisturizer eh"
Rico: "Ano ?"
Keanna: " Bakukang..andami kong bakukang (pertaining to her pimples)"
Rico: " Anong bakukang?"
Keanna: "Insekto... (tapos sabay hipo sa mukha niya)"
__________________________________________________

Keanna" "Buti na lang pinaligo na tayo, akala ko kasi sa Sabado papuwedeng maligo. Paano kaya sila matutulog non?"

( now, i dont get this. tayo tapos sila?)
__________________________________________________

Keanna to Koya: (About not taking bath) Pakiramdam ko po kasi hindina ako FRESH. __________________________________________________

Keanna: "Rustrum!!"
Roxie: "Rustom hindi Rustrum!"
Keanna: *deadma mode* "pakealam mo? mayaman ako sa letter R!"
__________________________________________________

Some excerpts from Pinoy Big Brother and Keanna Reeves. You can just love her for being herself.
____________________________________________________

Keanna: (habang nagwawalis) "Hindi ako makatulog na madumi ang bahaykasi. Tapos mahilig pa kayong magkape. Gusto ko tuloy kayong paluin"
__________________________________________________

Keanna: Ang hirap kaya mag-dishwasher
__________________________________________________

Keanna ay nagpa-fashion show sa harap ng mga housemates habang
nagpo-pose (Keanna): "Dapat pala ay mag-pouch ako"
Housemates: "Pout hindi pouch (tapos halakhakan)"
Keanna: "Eh ano yung pouch past tense"
__________________________________________________

RULE: Bawal galawin ang furnitures ng wala akong pahintulot
Keanna: edi bawal pala gamitin yung rocking chair? kasi gagalaw yun
__________________________________________________

Keanna: "John Prats! John Prats! Kunin mo nga yung chicken."
(hahhahahahh! Full name talaga? )
__________________________________________________

Keanna: (from the rule book) si big bra.. brother ang magbibigay sainyo ng mga kakailanganing gamit...(thinks)... e bat di natin makitaung kamay nibig bradir eh sya pla magbibigay (sabay tawa sila..)
__________________________________________________

ZANJOE: Yung kapatid ko ZANDRO...
KEANNA: Lahat kayo start sa 'S'?
__________________________________________________

Keanna: "Ay naku wala na pag-asa tayo mag-modern times. Ito pa dinang toothbrush...Talagang back to BISIKS tayo!"
__________________________________________________

Keanna - "Streppers ako" (stripper)
...

What the?! Hehe! I'm not laughing because of her idiocy but her humour! I know the two aren't really mutually exclusive, but I prefer thinking that she's smarter than most of them thus the humor. I'm not so much for cerebral or nerdy jokes anyway- too overrated for me. Luv her!

Monday, February 27, 2006

no classes today

When Kris and his what's-his-name-again pseudo-husband came marching to Makati to "commemorate the first EDSA people power", which usually means "down with the government", I was on my on my toes expecting the worst out of this story. True enough, the story this time became juicier when the weekend came, juicier than the Oakwood Mutiny Story. Our minuscule president declared a national state of emergency last friday- or was it saturday- sacking Maj. Gen. Miranda, supposedly a coup plotter, and shutting down the Tribune. Of course, Chief of staff Mike Defensor would have to defend the "media gag" on TV, making it more difficult for peeps to adore her mole. She is profoundly estranged from the people- basking in the support of her cronies and her "I am the mandated president of the Philippines"- yeah right!

In the end it would be Gloria-kin that would take over the government. Politics is there above us, impervious to common man. While Tita Cory was revving up for yet another show, Mang Pablo was busy selling his taho in our streets. But he would have joined Cory if only she had another Ninoy beside her. Something ridiculously appaling must happen to bring people out to the streets. It's only on the level of principles that they argue their basis for ousting the president. This is precisely why people don't get to the streets. What exactly is the opposition fighting for? I'm more inclined to believe that it's just power and not the principles behind this democracy.

To GMA, please get more clever advisers. You should know that people in this country are too excited about martial law- and too obsessed about asserting their rights. And, Imee Marcos, please stop joining the prayer vigils. You make me sick! To the marine boys, I commend you for being trendy- usong-uso na people power ngayon!

See, I was doing school stuff and when it was declared yesterday that we have no classes today. It wasn't really much of a bad thing since I haven't studied properly for two exams. Politics is really a major entertainment, a major break from the work world. Now, back to my reality...

Monday, February 13, 2006

blind spot

Things are really pilling up! I have 2 papers, 1 case study, and major research due within the week- add to that various emplyment exams. The world's rushing us and there's definitely not a minute for bumming around. And why, you say, am I here doodling my most inane thoughts? Well, it's a sort of stress reliever. Since I've depleted the bars of chocolates stocked in my fridge, this would be a proper alternative- well almost.

Shockers. I think I failed the Chikka exam last saturday. My friends figured that, after having four years of university education, we became dumber. I was cursing myself during the math part of the exam. I used to be really really fast in this subject but in the exam, I used all the time required for the part. Twas really frustrating to realize that the math part of my brain doesn't work very well as before. Heh, and I think I will get a few points from the linguistic part of the exam- why the f*** do they even call it that if it has reading comprehension and "text twist" type of questions. Iris said it was an easy test and I really think I'm getting more stupid. I missed the Fujitsu test and ITM group work- not that I really count as someone skilled in that group either- for this test. A friend said that Fujitsu exam was more difficult than Accenture's. Would it count if I know some nihonggo?

See, I'm all about insecurity. Sorry for the peeps I've been with for the past few weeks. I was either sick laughing my ass off or totally grouchy over almost any stuff. It's really a problem when you fear both the post grad scenario and the tons of homework for every course. I do want to believe that all things will go for the better but somehow illusions don't convince me anymore. It's probably vague optimism that I'm after that's why I don't feel alright. I've told my Mother about my plans after grad and I'm very happy she agreed. I plan to take another course after working for a year or two. This time I'll get the program I really want and be serious. It still depends though whether the work world will be friendly to me or otherwise. The point is I have a sort of path to tread. No matter how cheesy it may sound, it holds true that such a feeling makes one want to persist. Still, sappy but what the heck!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

borrowed heaven

It's something inner that trembles whenever I listen to such songs. Both gratitude and finitude appears harmoniously in this state of mind. Not that the song alone brought this about, although it really helped, but that the moment you realize how tight you grip on certain thoughts-of immutable stuff, you get the feeling of ewan- I don't know how to put it words anyway. Wierd, I know. But isn't it exactly through this way that we come to find ourselves in this world? Amorphous and floating about the vacuum will only left us more confused, right? Do we just let go of these "realities" that we've come to know as something very real to us? It may sound stupid but we try to get a hold of something ill-defined which we supposed to be ourselves, to be true, etc- when in reality it's based on the same ill-defined stuff. Permanence, is it meaningless to shape it from something in constant flux?

How do you do the opposite? Fear is my motivation of doing the former- I fear doing the latter. I guess, in the end, my perrennial question will persist: It's a BIG STORY but is it my own? Yes, they may not be mutually exclusive, I do acknowledge that. Maybe, I'm really selfish after all. But isn't it a valid selfishness. We were, but we're clueless, ergo the illusion of permanence- even the worship of it to some extent. We feel the need to create myths of the flux and of our won to counter that not-quite stuff which we are part of. Something's wrong definitely in doing so.

Now, I'm giving too much away. I need some serious fizzy drink. Being a Joker makes it hard to be really affected. Yes, this entry ends perfectly well with another effort to concretize the witness. I'm not him by the way.

Monday, February 06, 2006

blasted! the lost entry!

Nooooo! After editing some parts of my template and saving it, an entry got deleted! Arggh! It was my first entry for this month! I really think it's a good one! I swear I didn't accidently clicked any delete buttons! It's gone! Damn, I made some back-ups just for security.

The entry was about the creepy guy and the movie proof. I won't try recreating the stuff because, same thing with my sketches, I can only make unique things- cannot clone any of 'em. In essence- oh yes I do put some in serious entries- It's about how group of peeps function. In the first topic, it's about glorifying the normal in order for a group to direct itself, thereby conceptualizing "the outcast". It's about the creepy guy Celadon peeps fear or, more appropriately, hate. It also has some major criticism for most of these peeps- too insecure to have their own sense of inviduality, ergo the ostracism. Hehe! It doesn't feel right to say these things blatantly. The second part of the lost entry is the same group thing, althought this time it's happening within the person. The person is my friend who measures her worth based on the celebrated values in our civilization. Afterwards, a short review of the movie Proof.

Okay, I definitely feel stupid after divulging what I meant through my doodles. I need some major changes in my blog too. I feel like everything's in it getting old.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

how do you do?

I'm having a hard time figuring out the lecture we had in Theo last thursday. It had something to do measuring one's worth; that we are who we are in the eyes of God. I just can't seem to really believe this. I want to believe it and really think of myself under such definiton but something in me doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I mean, isn't it through other people that we get the idea of our worth? I guess having a short time to live leaves us looking for something more palpable that will somehow describe our lives in the eleventh hour. That means people- love- right? But that also means endless struggle to be something- of worth. Maybe my confusion is brought about by my faith- probably it's not that strong. How does one acknowledge this reality- well, a reality if you're a believer?

Given that genuine faith does bring about this component of belief to you- that you really hold it true etc, how do you now measure- or even do- your actions? What do we do after really believing this? Surely, by holding it's opposite to be true, we strive to become for other people- and that realy makes sense right? If it happens that I find myself believing such, won't I be dormant and leave everything be- I mean if my only goal in this earth (I'm speaking for myself) is to have some sort of worth? Maybe this is an invalid conclusion since I'm posing a possibility of something not from my experience- that of having this kind of faith. I'm not taking out, of course, the possibility that the believer's action may be toward other people, and not of making sense of his own life- or better, glory; that his action is a movement of God already. In this case his action still makes sense because of the faith's movement.

Maybe this concept is central to my problem. Is the goal ultimately for our own legends or is it a component of God's theme for our (collective) lives? If you follow to this point, a last question: can we ever find that elusive experience of our worth if our movement is that of a former kind I stated above? Maybe the answer to this is also the solution to my original question- perhaps it can answer how to look at one's life through the eyes of God.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

living a comic life

Amidst tons of homework, projects, tests, and job applications, I'm here in front of the monitor doodling away random thoughts that, for the past few hours, have been bugging me. This is supposed to be a cathartic entry but because of the rather unusual adrenalin surge I had this afternoon, I've completely forgotten the thing I'm supposed to feel strong about. Anyway, on with my inane doodles...

Now, with the funny stuffs first- but since I'm not really humorous, disregard the introduction. There's this old man- really, really mean old man- at the cashier window 8. If you're the kind of person who always have to apply for a temporary I.D., or if you have to pay for the release of you're transcript, you probably know who I'm referring to. Yes, that mean old man! What happened was like this:

I arrived 10:20 at school for my Theo class at 1030. I remembered to pay for my transcript so I went to window eight of the cashier to pay for it- and then the old man! I slided the slip given by registrar to him and he stared at me and mumbled something. I asked what he said and he shouted, "Sa window two nga!” Pucha! Needless to say, I lost my overall composure! But the behaved me just cooled it and convinced myself that it was just an old man's thing; besides, that was not the first time he seemed to have shouted. So, I acquiesced. The cashier at window 2, after some checks and rummaging about, signed the slip from the registrar and told me to pay for it at window eight. I relaxed and regained my affable countenance. When I slipped the paper under the glass separating both of us, he asked me my name- it appeared that he couldn't see very well.

Me: "Eirekson (aerecson) Uy po".
So he wrote it, but uh uh, he wrote it as ERICKSON. So I hurriedly blurted out,

Me: "EIREKSON po; A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N". *Still wearing my plastered smile*
Manong: *Frowned and scratched his balding head*

So he erased what he wrote, and tried re-writing my name on the receipt. But he misspelled it again, so I said- a little loudly:

"Manong, A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N po. Eirekson Uy po (aerecson)- now, pronouncing it very slowly. A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N"

He put on this really grim look on his wrinkled face and started to tremble. I was really scared. Looking at me, he shouted:

Manong: "SINULAT KO NA NGA EH! O eto eto *grabbing the rim of receipt and his pen rather violently* isulat mo, isulat mo. Sinulat ko na nga eh!" *He seemed so convinced that he wrote my name correctly*

All of that was done with matching scowl on his face- and cursingly. I swear I could see the red arteries in his eyeballs pulsating! I resolutely decided at that moment that I would not be looked down on. So, the Meany me surfaced. I grabbed the rim and the pen from his clutch and started writing my name over two untidy erasures of my name really grudgingly. He abruptly took it from me after I finished writing my name down; he signed it and almost jabbed the receipt to my fingers under the glass divider! That was it! I figured I would do something dramatically nasty for my exit. So, I grabbed the receipt and really violently snatched it away from his hands! The sound of the paper abruptly being taken away was really effective! I walked away feeling totally victorious!

Really, this is not my thing. But something possessed me that moment that made me do it. I think taking vitamin supplements everyday does that to you. It felt great though! Hehe!

Another curious thing: super gal has a boy weakness! I’m glad that, finally, my image of this girl as extremely impervious to petty emotions is broken- at last, a glimpse of her humanity! I don’t know her very well, so this is a bit helpful. She seems not so distant now.

Last comic stuff: the HR people at the school’s job fair! It was really hilarious to hear this lass blurting out English phrases in a bogus American accent! Sample, “You can tssake this (referring to the application form), fill it(tsk) up and submeeeet it(tsk) with your resume before four (tsk)this afternoon.” Wonderful! Stick with our own tongue; it’s not that bad speaking a foreign language in our own accent. We can even understand the Indians or the Singaporeans right? Or just speak our language! You will still sound sophisticated if that’s what you’re after! Speaking a foreign language just means you can speak anther language, nothing more. What’s wrong with this country?

Did I mention the tons of homework? It’s supposed to be a joke too, until now. Arghh! It’s almost 1030 and I haven’t done even a bit of anything! Ciao! Oh! There’s another one! Dr. T, my beloved history teacher, impersonating McArthur (Yes the one who bombed Manila for three weeks) on his “I have returned” speech! It was really hilarious- he even had props to complement his slapstick! I swear if all teachers would be like him- or Sir Bobby Guev- Ateneo would really increase its number of genuine intellectuals! Hehe! Now I'm stating a possibility; totally skewed logic!

Friday, January 20, 2006

reading smarties

Seriously, it's no fun reading blogs of supposedly intelligent peeps. I 've been to some three of these blogs. They belong to some of Ateneo's well known peeps- debaters methinks. These lot of smarties have infested the blogosphere- is this even the proper word. Anyway, their blogs are pure obssessions about how pathetic this country is and how special they are. Okay, blogs may be about personal shit but I've never seen such height of vanity. Maybe they're special, but I don't see anything deep in their doodles. Maybe being smart is to pick on reality; not to get something special- more special than they are- out of their crticism. I'm inclined to think that these criticisms are a way of drawing something meaningful, but their rationale for their criticisms is not even close to something they really hold dear.

I guess I'm a reader who looks for a manifestation of the writer's deepest convictions- when it comes to some serious blogging. Until now, I've been too obsessed with smarties. I'm not fascinated with good debaters anymore, but I'm fascinated with the contents of their debates. I'm pro concern more than intelligence.

The world is too dumb for smart asses. They must leave it immediately.

Monday, January 16, 2006

there's no escaping it

There's really no avoiding it, I'm definitely twenty one years old. I was rather stunned seeing the clock strike 1230 early this morning. I was over my my jap notes then reviewing for the mid term later, then it struck me; my God, I'm twenty one! Like you all kiddies out there, I'm not too excited about entering real maturity. I don't think I'm cut and dry for seriousness. But I guess I have no choice- and this doesn't mean I would have to give up some of my greatest seemingly unattainable goals right? So there's still some "fun" to cling on to. Perhaps I wouldn't find myself in some serious quagmire. If that eventually happen, I wish I would be so prepared. Yes, it's the anxiety about post graduation stuff. I don't think I'm totally prepared to live my own life- I want to but I think I have to do some more major patching up in my life. It's really a comfort to hear similar sentiments among seniors- and the idea that we're not that totally clueless like some 2 or 3 years ago.

My seat mate in philo alarmed me that there's only 6 more grueling weak before grad. I couldn't think of any reply, so I uttered some unintelligible rubbish- thinking she's really confident that everything would end okay. Well, she definiitely has something to lookforward to; she's an A student; and seem really intelligent. I'm not so much into wanting some academic merits- or any kind of merits whatsoever, though it wouldn't hurt to get one right?- of my own; I just want to know what exactly I want to do for the rest of my life. I have some clues as to what that is but I'm not 100% sure that it's what I want. Ugh, too complicated! It seems fairly easy to understand at first glance- and too common- but it's really like placid water beneath which you don't know what lies. It's a problem and I don't want to get into hasty solutions but I guess I would have to really immerse myself to the "real world". Ugh, sappy I know; I hate it.

Ha! It's probably listening too much of Alanis's that puts me in this mood. I really really like her! It seems that every words in her songs always have that indescribable depth you found in 1 in a thousand artists! And not only that! I seem to have that wierd resonance- forgive the word- with the words. I mean I actually understand- as in I know because I've experieced some of the words. Wierd, right? That's what your 21st birthday do to you! Hehe! Anyway, here's one of my faves today. It's from the movie Dogma. It doesn't have the usual element of baffling poetry but it's still cool. It's a bit... uhm profound? Still, Alanis rocks!

...
Still
Alanis Morissette
The Dogma Soundtrack

I am the harm that you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I am your immaturity and your indignance
I am your misfits and your praises
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rapeI am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art I am your bytes
I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
And I love you still

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
And I love you still
...

The lyrics alone doesn't work that solemn thing into you after listening to it- it's almost like praying. I guess you would have to download it to really listen and get that mystifying effect. Wierd me. And I don't think she's being sarcastic- which she usally is in her old songs- in this song.

Today's entry's title's really apt for both sentiments. Happy birthday to me!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

it's 2006!

I'm still having trouble about writing 2006 whenever I doodle down dates on my notes or journal. I guess it has something to do with my reluctance to this very rapid change happening in my life. Days from now, I'll be 21! This is not in my plan! Hehe! When I was ten, I was fantasizing about the story in the book of revelations; I imagined that the world would end in the year 2000- dying at the age of fifteen wasn't so bad I thought. Anyway, change is supposed to be good- well, generally good. It's supposed to make us grow and so on ad so forth. Hmph! A rather irksome first entry for the new year, but what the hell.

So, why the long hiatus? Well, my motherboard crashed again- yes, it's the third time now. Since the warranty has expired already, I convinced my mom to just buy a new one. I'm so proud that I was able to fix everything wihout any help from technicians or my cousin! I half-expected that I would fail installing the new motherboard, but with the help of the manual, and my rusty stockl-knowledge, I was able to connect every cables properly. Hehe! I'm so proud! It was friday when I fixed my pc- I feel that it's performing better with a new motherboard.

Oh! Thanks andz for your gift! Twas soooo cool! It was an audio novel- I'm clueless regarding the proper term- of Philip Pullman's Lyra's Oxford! My favourite author! The story was less than an hour though... was disappointed a bit. I think I will buy some more of these since it helps to augment my listening skills- yes, I'm not good at listening. This is but a plus though. My main intent is to finish novels faster since I'm also a slow reader. Hehe! Thanks Andz!

The usual tons of readings is on the study table. I'm inclined not to look at it. I still not in the mood of doing any homework- evidently enough, I'm in front of my beloved computer doing what-not's. Heh! Okay, okay, I'd be on it in an hour.

Happy New Year everyone! I'm not in the mood of serious doodling so sorry about the random stuff that came out. Must get serious this year...