that something

Having a lot of mishaps makes it quite difficult to conclude that this christmas is indeed merry. Two of my friends suffered the loss of their loved ones just before the twenty fifth. It's kind of hard not to feel sad for them- and harder not to imagine such loss in my own life. I was totally clueless how to comfort both of them. Such loss cannot be comforted by words I guess. All I could offer was my being there, hoping that such would somehow bring a sort of comfort. There's no consolation in death; death is a loss that cannot be regained. This is the reason why I never give reasons that would make the death lighter to take. I think such takes away the meaning of the loss- or the lack of it to be more precise. I agree that, perhaps, the best way for a friend to comfort a friend is to distract her- not that you make the person forget about her loss but to reassure her that she has another person who loves her.

If it's not our own "legends" that ultimately makes us persist but our being with other people, what do we do after every soul we love perishes? I can't even picture that- even the quite detached experience of death scares me. What do we hold on to in these relationships that really lasts? I think it's a big challenge for everyone to find this one. I am afraid of the possibility that I don't really have this something with my loved ones. I am afraid that, perhaps, all I have been living for is nothing in the eleventh hour.

It's this something that we look for whenever we fantasize about our own legends but it's quite more pronounced when we're with the people we love. I suggest that we spend more time with our loved ones this christmas. In the end, it's this something that matters I guess not a perfect idea of why we are here.

the ramans do everything in threes

Death. How do you comfort someone who loses a loved one. What do you say? Our lot has been immersed in this life completely clueless as to why. Then we got to have loved ones... then lose them. The old men say it's just the way things are or that there's reason for everything and what not's. But do we just accept them? To be honest, I'm completely clueless. I don't think I can adjust with a loss. What comfort can cover up the hole in another soul? What do you do when a part of you dies? What exactly do those happy people hold dear that enables them to continue their lives. I may know a bit of what to hold onto but I don't think I can continue living my life without the people I love.

I don't know. I dont have a clue. The wise men say the key to things like this lies in our actions. So, it may be a comfort to know that there's a way of overcoming the harshness of this life- that there's something that makes us hold on to it- it's just that we can't know it until it happens to us. Until then, we continue walking our own roads with the people we love. We persist not knowing exactly why. In my case, it's because there's people to care about- my dreams are a plus but their not really among those important things that motivates me. It's that wierd stuff that makes you see life in its grandest colors.

Until lately, what I've been thinkning most is about myself. I've been so preoccupied with how will I be, with how sorry I am for myself, with how this life seems completely meaningless. Mabye it's not exactly about ourselves, maybe it's about other people being a gift to us, of this short life being something wonderful... even for a moment. Maybe we're missing the point thinking that what's more to this life is the stuff that will make everything meaningful. There's that wierd movement of this life's theme that motivates us to cling on to it- to other peeps to be precise.

what went wrong

And no smart ass, it's not about my right arm! Apparently, Andz made it sure that my "dislocation"- as most people I know put it- be known to anyone who read her blog; I don't need to any elaboration. Indeed, I'm famous now for my major klutziness. Ugh, it was really embarassing. Why did I have to go through such a grand fiasco before graduation?! When Jen heard of the guy who got his arm dislocated, She thought the guy was stupid. Two days later I explained everything to her. She concluded that indeed I was being clumsy. Anyway, Thanks the Jollibee people, Sir San Andres (!), to the government emergency people, and to Andz. Super thanks Andz! Thanks to the peeps who worried- or made it seem like they were. Thanks very much!

Ha! I quit wearing the arm sling yesterday because it was attracting too much attention. I was repeating the same story everytime someone asked- sometimes I would gladly add some more drama or comedy just to make "my dislocation" more surreal. It was really frustrating. I took the sling off yesterday- it still hurts a bit though. I'm really having trouble extending my arm sideward and forward. Believe it or not, I'm totally frightened about it falling off my shoulder- I guess the doctor really got into my head.

My arm really got in the way of my schedule too! I was supposed to take our philo exam that (fateful) tuesday when I got this arm popped out of its socket! Because I had to take the exam on wednesday night, I didn't have enough time to study for our history long test! Sana pasado ako!!!

Well now, my right arm is worth three paragraphs. Moving on, the title is of course under the presumption that I've been doing well. I want to talk about friendship. I realize that I'm missing so much happenings to one of my best friend's life. It really frustrates me because for a long time I've (We've) been sort of ignoring him; Ka, Ken, and I have distinct courses but we made sure that from time to time we talk to each other- I mean real talk. I want to think of this as, you know, growth but the more I think of it, the more I'm convinced that the rift is slowly becoming a genuine separation.His blog was about his exacerbated introversion. Back in high school, he wasn't like this at all. He was comfortable with people, especially with us. Maybe I thought he was. I'm led inoto thinking that perhaps it wall of my idea of him: a friend who would always be there like the rest of close friends in highschool. Mabye I was wrong in believing such things; I haven't been working on it. I'm moving beyond Citizen Kane. That's good right?

Friendships need to be worked on- and I perfectly know that. But what do I do when old buds close up on me on the basis of things they don't even want to disclose? This is really hard. A lot more harder with new friends actually- well maybe as hard as those new friends who perpetually tries to expose your insecurities and weaknesses for the sake of their own entertainment. I was like that though, I was bitter- I welcome them to my life though. I'm definitely a newbie when it comes to old friendships being torn assunder.

Time really changes. That WAS a fact for me until now; I am experiencing this change that had been very elusive. I'm so uncertain about almost everything now. Really really wierd stage of my life. The one thing I'm sure though is that I'm welcoming most of these changes- the minor ones at least- and putting my defense down a bit.

I can't believe 2005 is almost over. I'm turning 21 next year- the age I'm dreading; and the era after graduation. Kill me now for counting the days left for school; I will definitely miss Ateneo. Well, all of these are but under the assumption that I will graduate in time.

great flicks

Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros and Breaking The Waves. Probably the two greatest movies I've seen since early this year. I watched the Ang Pagdadalaga yesterday with Ka; Breaking the Waves just this afternoon at school- it's actually for Philo. I didn't get much philosophical musings from the latter, but it's theme about faith really strikes through me- that's definitely a wierd way of putting it. Ang Pagdadalaga is a coming of age flick. It's about pre-teen gay kid growing up in the slums of manila- I think it's somewhere in Sampaloc. Thank God the story covers the slight blunders of the camera, resolution and the sounds- was a very very nice flick despite these. And considering their budget, the movie offers great talents too! Indie films are the way to go for the film industry- big celebrities in dumb stories bore people!

Here's my further thoughts about the movies.

Ang Pagdadalaga was definitely a nice way of depicting how kids mature. Taking a stand for what you believe in and growing out of your family's bounds are just few of the things the film tackles. More than these essential stuff in a coming of age flick, is one's loss of innocence- and then coping with with. I think the scene where the policeman and Maxi was whistling to each other over the window- without them seeing each other- is a nice way of depicting forgiveness and moving forward. The use of poverty, crime and corruption as a background was a smart way of putting things into place. It is definitely a good way of giving colors to the characters by contrasting them to each other or by blending them with with the background. Also, it gives additional flavor to the film. One more thing I noticed is how good the film paves way for real individual characters. There's not a two of the same shade when it comes to the primary characters- not even stereotypes brought about by Philippine Cinema, Thank God. Having a gay kid as the main character also makes the theme lighter to bear- plus it gives face to gay cuture. I like all aspects ot the film: there's comedy, Philippine culture, a sense of social awareness, and the coming-of-age thingy. I hate the resolution and the sounds though. Drastic stuff is a must for people to grow up.

Now, Breaking The Waves is a requirement for Philo. I don't understand why the film has to take almost three hours just to get to what it wants to say. Okay maybe I like propaganda films more than artsy kind of flicks, or that I just don't get the entire flick. Maybe. The movie starts by developing Bess's character- a sort of deranged church woman. Later we see that she's really crazy: she prays to "God" then replies to her own prayers by speaking in a pseudo-God voice. Then she falls in love and sacrifices her self for this love. At the end she dies. Maybe 2 ++ hours is needed to picture the nakedness of the movie. It brings all necessary mundane stuff about her life, thus giving it life. I think the most important scene is when She enters the church, after almost being raped and killed- doned with fishnet stocking and skimpy shiny red shorts, and then voicing out how she doesn't understand what the old man is talking about. The old man speaks about loving words. Bess says that it is by loving another person that... uhm I forget the exact line. She sacrifices- initially the audience would think of this as dellusions- herself for Jan. Later she dies with bells ringing in the heavens. Sweet. Maybe with the latter image, the film shows that her faith is genuine. I'm not quite sure about this though. What strikes me is that her faith is to her level. Maybe it's time we understand life and our faith in God to our level. Imagine an alien having an I.Q. of over 300 understanding us. Wouldn't we be as pathetic?

...

At last it's the weekend! Despite yesterday being a holiday, I am still cramming stuff ranging from the usual tons of readings to org stuff and to carreer stuff. Ugh, you heard that right. I'm actually preparing work stuff like applications and stuff- and oh resume- beats me! I felt stupid seeing that I have more stuff written under "interests" than under "work related experiences". I'm really desperate of employment after grad- hopefully that is, next year. Okay, enough about this post-grad anxiety. It's the weekend, so it's time to de-stress! Hurrah! I've loads of flicks to watch care of Andie- Citizen Kane and Ong Bak among others! Oops! No, no, no. Got some stuff to fix for Celadon's GA/Christmas party tomorrow- the music for the fashion show, the reg forms among other stuff!

I just want to doodle about this wierd experience I had yesterday. I got to call some fifteen peeps yesterday. I felt like an ATM machine repeating the same words to each of these peeps. It's quite a relief after I finished. I' not quite sure whether my shyness exacerbated or otherwise. I'm totally not comfortable talking over the phone- I felt my ear hurting after the thrid person in the list. I admire my sister for enduring an entire two hours over the phone chatting about the ost mundane stuff with her friends. I miss her already.

I feel like philosophizing right now but I feel that I don't have the proper words to articulate my thoughts; I take back my comments about breaking the waves being unphilosophical. I wish I'm eloquent enough to ask my Teach in front of the class. Where do I start thinkning when it comes to freedom and death?

almost awake

I just came back from immersion actually- I still have that notion that what how we see things and how we value stuff are all useless. If you've really seen poverty, you will curse the world for its apathy. We're here in the painted world of what life is. Look at it again! it is but a painting after all. You think its about you dreams- self realization or whatever you wanna call it? Think again brother! Look at them in the eye and you realize how sinful you've become! We've reduced them to be apart of the stench of the city- the sewers, the dirt. Look at the world! Look at it! You'll be surprised how shollow you've become!

Watch a couple of american coming of age movies and you'll know what I mean. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! We're missing a lot. We're missing share in this responsibility! We are missing the fact that we're on the zenith of civilization only because we're at the top of a heap of corpses. Freak! Heartache?! You don't know anything about it? Stop your useless musings over stuff of your own imagination! You are not looking very closely!

I'm not reducing the world to such reality. I need it to slap people awake of their reverie. There's no God out there people! Wake up! See the eyes of the oppressed and preserve that picture in your head. I will do just that. I won't forget. I promise.

...

It's not an inspired doodle I know; I want it to be bare- to be as dumb as how people convinces themselves about the reality of the picture they paint for themselves. I'm really not the emotional type, especially when writing, but I get to feel the same intensity of truth- I don't have another word for it- articulating this experience of the poor. I admire those fellow students who were eloquent enough to grasp this truth. I listened carefully to every words you uttered.

I'm afraid, though, that this one would be another promise not kept- joining the hundred of others I never have kept. Words are cheap unless played out- and I'm not so good at that! It has to do with freedom- but this is not about my volition but the orientation I want to take. Teach said that this is where grace comes into play- and I see some truth to this in my own experience. So, please grant me the strength- if my will to go this path is but vanity of my own becoming, show me where should I go. Please.