updates updates...

Cya cya. Let's pretend I've been actually having a makeshift version of post-school life here, and consider the possibility that I've been preoccupied with the er... more predictable things in life, like keeping a job, resting in those few hours I can, which btw are becoming less and less, and "hanging out" or "chilling"- as one conyo friend (an ideal of sophistication and grace in the third world) would say- with highschool and college buddies, chances would be that I've a lot of reasons to put aside updating this blog. And, it would also mean that I've begun my descent towards banality and a state of dreams slipping away- a moot point I should say, but let's leave that to my next entry. And, more importantly, who cares anyway about this unabashed profusion of self-implicating factoids- a manner of self-aggrandizing if you consider it really. Harharhar!

Let's get on with the real meat of this entry. It's nothing juice- I mean, coming from me, what else would you expect right? Here's a brief summary of everything that's happened after my not-so-brief confinement in unemployed-employed limbo (a frustrating phase in the life of any would-be semi-responsible adult. *ahem ahem*:

1. I finally got the job that I think I can learn a lot from- after an
excruciating, vein-thumping, vomit-inducing and anxiety-causing six month worth
of waiting.

2. A week after getting the job, I got a call from two companies, one of which was my target NGO! The latter had an opening for a what could be a lousy secretarial/ coordinating job. So no.

3. Hosted our division's Christmas party! And they loved it! Well, at least that's what everyone kept telling me for the past few days. I led the organizing committee as well. We had a song and dance number, among other stupid things they made us newbies do. Harhar! And they enjoyed it a lot! And the hosting made everyone laughed- a lot, which gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. And, no, I'm not counting out the fact that this may just be paranoia setting in.

4. Made a lot of new friends in the workplace! Nice people, really.

5. Spotted someone new to obsess about. shyet, Shyet, SHYET! Let's have another one way love affair. But at least I don't obsess about that horror highschool story anymore. We're adults now. We move on. Gawd, I need to say that to out loud just to make sure it happens. Hahahaha!.

And of course, the list includes major spills about some friends:

6. Ken getting on with his month-long trip to Turkey, leaving me and Ka to fend for ourselves and have our now only two-some coffee sessions. Get back here immediately and help me placate her occasional sobbing/hysterical feats!

7. Sha getting a dip in the Ganges, and proving I was wrong in thinking it's polluted through and through.

8. Mariela getting back from Gensan, Japan, and China to Manila for a few days. Luckily, we had lunch to catch up on things in her life as a mgt trainee and mine as a lowly cubicle-bound programmer. She'd be off for Denmark again. Ugh, kaingit.

9. Ka getting a way too younger boyfriend. I thought, finally she have someone to boss around, after her er... rather traumatic and so inappropriate relationship with a way too older boyfriend not so long ago. Go Ka!

10. Finally got a hold of Diane Torres! She's into "events"- err.. don't ask. And She's also a model. That really threw me off. Some people do get prettier in their twenties.

11. Finally bought Christmas gifts for family using my own moolah! It feels great. Harharhar!

the drama continues (in my head of course)

Sabi nga ni Mr. McLaughlin,

"A life goes by.
Romantic dreams must die.
And I bid mine goodbye..."

And to think just last thursday I watched that stupid X-Files movie with a friend. Something about not giving up, losing it, not surrendering to whatever darkness-hooblah Scully was blabbering about. But I got it. I Knew- whatever the hell they were talking about. Very Gabriel Marcel. A different kind of surrender. A surender that puts a premium on action- not on despair (the film puts some more ellipses on The God Issue, but what the hell). And now, this equally ridic song.

Shet. That's something. That's the universe telling me something crucial.

And the song doesn't end there either. Just like a possible trajectory of my life, the song continues,

"... So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you.
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close."

And ends with,

"We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end.
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close.
So close
And still so far."

Psychotherapy. Anyone?

tell me it's my story

Fortunately- or unfortunately, depending on my mood- I'm still here wandering among well-trained docile bodies of the work world. I don't find it depressing, but I still flinch at the idea that I'd be doing the same the thing for the rest of my life. And(!) I'm not even at the point of doing actual work err... efficiently,which is practically a tell tale sign of my impending doom (i.e. getting sacked?). I'm giving myself time to adjust, be good at it, and all those sickly sentimentalities on "self-actualization" sold by the corporate world. Anyway, we bitter people should give it a chance. Otherwise, we won't really know whether it sucks or not. And, why not if it gives us a chance to learn something else other than err bitterness, right? I mean, spending half your life on what-could-have-been's, what you can never have/be/etc, among other permutations of despair gets a bit boring after a while, right?

So yes, let's give life a chance, no matter its form. Let's stop moping and leave Hemmingway and Camus for a while. Let's do this! Let's think that the world may actually be about us. As my friend Ken cogently put it (over dinner with Ka yesterday), God loves him and the universe actually talks to him. I mean I can channel that feeling, can't I? Yeah, let's think Paulo Coelho- or maybe leaf through my sister's A Purpose Driven Life. Ooh, Que sera sera... Meh. But really I'm pushing myself, mainly because I want to be independent in all aspects of my life, as much as possible.

Aside from the above-mentioned everyday drama, I think I'm doing well- not, in anyway, financially or career-wise of course. But surprisingly I do manage my expenses efficiently. And, on some obscure chance, I manage to earn new friends and build on my old relationships. Lol! I'm such a sad person. Like I really have to say it! Just yesterday I had dinner at Fat Michael's, which by the by has very good salad and pizza, with Ka and Ken. And last friday, I had dinner with DS shiftees college friends at Bollywood (Indian cuisine!). And everyweek I get to have lunch with one or two other college friends. Ha! And I even volunteered for my Highschool's (Sakya) Alumni Association. Beat that. Besdies that, I have time for books and dibidi's on weekends. And come june or later, maybe I can even get into ACED's volunteer work again on weekends. I guess we can call that life.

arggggh!

Pressure pressure. I didn't think it will be like this. Give me a year at most. Must stay on track. Give me hope. Shet. Yun lang. Bow.

frustrations, frustrations...

I bought a book by Stephen Hawking. A Brief History of Time (latest edition) was on sale and I've been wanting to buy it since highschool! Now at chapter 3 I positively feel abysmal and stupid. But this should be good. The last time I felt stupid was on my fourth year in college, those piles of articles/books written and inspired by sad and dead old people for my Philosophy courses. But then some of those readings were translated from foreign languages, which was proably the reason I found them difficult to understand. Most of those dead authors were French, and God knows how awful people translate that language into English. This time, Hawking is positively clear on language. It's just that I don't understand the concepts very clearly, especially space-time. I mean I understand the illustrations but I can't seem to imagine it in the real world!!! And, gulay, this is already a physics book for lay people. Frustrations, frustrations.

success, success come to me! lol!

After too much bitterness, too much frustration this time. I thought I will go cloud nine after learning I passed the qualifying exam for this company that I really like; that it will inevitably snowball into more endorphins witht the following days. I was wrong. After spending the holy week (third world on suspended animation) grinning thoughtlessly on passing the dream job, withstanding friends suggesting the results could have been mixed up, I snapped out of it. Earlier today a friend who works for that comp told me that 250/2000 people pass the exam and that a series of tests and interviews would follow to really really qualify. Ok I can definitely commit to at least trying to beat everyone for that spot, I thought. But then, I took another exam come afternoon this same day for one of those companies where most people in my university end up. Frustrating, dragging, difficult! Ugh, and with a very slow connection! And with people (fucking interns!) coming in and out of the room spouting- loudly!-factoids about their lives like we should care or something. I finished the test, rode the elevator to make for the exit at the first floor, not without maudlin thoughts on how inadequate I am for people started sinking in. I didn't even enjoy the free send-off dinner for graudates later that night. I forced myself to deal with people and smile that night. And then I went to the loo and looked at the mirror. And there, right at that moment, I behold the ugly aging primate without anything good to offer the world! Bad thoughts. On the train home I was still brooding about them. Somebody should've slapped me in the face instead and wake me up. That could have been more pleasant than feeling, yet again, bad about myself.

Problem is I never felt like I did something really worth telling other people for the past 5 years. No kidding. I never felt I achieved something that I or people I love could be proud of. Ugh, middle class drama and all, I know. But I just want that feeling (again, after God knows how many years) that makes me feel good about myself. I realize that I'm shallow and there seems to be no escape from it. Foucault, where art thou? Get me out of this panopticon! lol! But really, I think I will always have these thoughts about myself and how I figure in the world, no matter how much I intellectualize about these things.

I knew spending too much time harping how much I had been the underdog will have its evil repercussions. But I can definitely remain vigilant- more than petulant I hope- under these circumstances; to count my blessings, hope for the best, and all that jazz. In fact, I already feel quite better just writing about them. Haaaaaaay. Breathe.

night out with "friends"

Yesterday night, I went out with a throng of highschool uhm.. friends? A batchmate flew in from China and was bound for Davao in a few days. He just arrived yesterday at 4 in the morning and had been on the road, perhaps, uhm gamboling with his cronies and minions among my highschool batchmates after arriving. And boy, he had been one of those semi-cool kids and semi-bully back in highschool. Ugh, highschool memories bring so much bitterness. Bitterness abounds specially with those people! But I digress... So he invited Karah, who's my best pal among hs peeps these days, on a dinner with a couple of other more batchmates. He missed her, the batch, and what-have-you's. And Ka's supposed to invite me, since he said "we" should come. And we, in Ka's world means Ken, me, Nes, et. al. (cliques and factions and all those corns you can think of. Think stupid people in stupid highschool days.) I thought why not? A chance to catch up, update my social skills, escape impending boredom in front of the tv, yadda yadda yadda. So I decided to go.

And, ha! Mind you, back in highschool I facied myself the outcast or the reluctant but compassionate sociopath. I had a sort of clique, yes but I loathed some and more outside that ridic group. And you're right, that disgust was not in any way one-sided. And Ka et. al, well let's just say they were the popular kids back in highschool, friends with all kinds of circles, bridging the social divides and what-not's. Ha! We had all that despite being a tad less than a hundred. And social-climbing had never been more complex!

Fine! I was bullied heavily you wouldn't have a clue. And no, not only by a couple or a group of peeps! *breathes in, breathes out* Lol! And I bullied back. And no they didn't like it. I didn't like them. Anyway, back to the topic:

Davao dude picked us up at Ka's, using his rich crony's nice car. Dinner time. eat eat eat. Plastered plastered smile, forcing myself to believe that this would turn out to be a good night. talk talk talk. Mantra of the night: fuck off bitter self, enjoy the night. And I did. I managed to sort of take charge of the conversations. There were only five of us that dinner time so it was relatively easy. But oh no, they texted texted some more people. By the time we transferred to Mocha Blends there were already 14 of us nicely not talking to each other over coffee (See I wasn't alone!). At some point, we divided into 2 groups. Luckily I got into the almost likeable people. At some point we were actually having quite a normal, tolerable conversation- fine, a good conversation, almost genuinely enjoyable. And to my surprise I didn't regret the night. I was exhausted, yes, in putting up with those other people.

But, I won't hold back here. And luckily most of my hs batchmates don't read a lot of online stuff. If I had the chance back then to get my revenge without being butchered, shot, etc, these would them:

To J., M., D.
Fat people go to hell. Okay maybe not. There's only been one time in my life when a fat person had been kind to me. And you three! Someday I'll suck all your fats out and drown you three in it! You would be too stupid you won't even notice me slicing your skin and sucking your fats. I never did anything bad to you but you were always there to humiliate me!

To O.
You fucking fairy! You backstabbing scrawny fairy! We backed you up when you had that big problem. And you fucking humiliated us at our back in front of your new college friends. You fucking hurt us you know. We had been very good friends. But oh ho! You had to announce that you always feel forced to hang out with us, like it's something that you owe us! You had to announce it to other people and later in front of us, like some fucking sort of press conference! We thought we were supposed to be real friends. You know that that little press conference of yours would hurt us. But you did it anyway. Why didn't you just drift away eh and not hang out? But I guess you're too dramatic and theatrical for that yes? You're a fraud and you know it. Stop playing the victim!

To Mr. M.
Get a nose job, it's too big you can even smell my lying compliments for you. And please stop being nice or composed in front of me. It doesn't suit you. I let it pass, you know, those snide remarks and all too-dramatic tirades you had to do whenever you were no in the mood (whenever our fucking stupid "clique" would dine out). And no, A, I do forgive but I never forget. Never. J. et al may have told you things but you have nothing to do with me, you weren't the one I wronged. So get your nose job and stop pretending you want to talk to me. It makes us both sick.

Omg. I've never felt such release! I know I'd be sorry for this someday. And I never explode like this in person- and never had that chance to do this in front to them. Ugh. I hate bitterness and by God I hope to forgive people someday. But those memories are just too strong. And, promise, in moments of absolute necessity, in moments when I have to engage them in any conversation, I try to be as civil as much as possible. I even try (more like force myself) to like them. God, help me forgive.

decision week

This is decision week. I have to extend deadlines for my decisions to wait for one or two other prospects. In a matter of days I should decide. And, trouble is I'm not particularly the most in-demand unemployed person as of the moment and there's no way they would wait for me indefinitely. Uck. Let me tell you, to say that this is frustrating is an understatement. It's leaps beyond post-highschool-pre-college limbo of choosing between universities. Back then, I didn't particularly weigh the pro's and con's (but of course I was biased against getting into that ridic school along Taft. Lol!). I was in a way tricked into buying that reservation fee for slot (BS MIS batch 2006). In those moments of weakness and confusion, I got tricked into riding on my highschool friend and his mother's infectious zeal to get into that good university. The fates arranged it for me, I thought. And boy do I not believe in fates these days. I mean it's all good to believe in some sort of providence but I just can't believe that this providence is very genocidal and picky- I mean look at those children sold to prostitution, did some ridic universal and fucked-up force planned on it? Ugh, why do I always get into discussing theology in a categorically unrelated issue... Point is I'm confused and I just hope to get into something I can be good at and with which I can affect other people positively. Ha! At least I'm sure that I can get hired. That's quite a comforting thought for minute ego. And no, I'm no atheist.

Speaking of comforting egos. I had quite a pursposeful weekend. I attended this Youth Vote 2010 event at the Asian Institute of Management, which to our surprise was just behind Greenbelt 1. Youth Vote 2010 was organized by Young Public Servants (under a certain NGO). It was first among a series of forums conducted with various young "leaders" and 2010 presedentiables. I though it was very timely considering recent charges of corruption and people power stalemates. First thing that came into my my was how would presedentiable accomodate public scrutiny of fund allocation special for national projects- and then the pork barrel, etc, etc. I thought people my age would prefer this sort of institutionalized reforms rather than jump into the bandwagon of mob rule and intimidation (but of course I do want the president to resign). I thought such a sign of maturing democracy in this country. We were grouped into different breakout sessions with different issues to discuss (i.e. education, good governance, peace and security, employment, poverty alleviation). At the end of those sessions, we came up with 3 questions about the issue assigned to us to ask the presidentiables. Etc, etc, etc. It was fun despite not getting ot talk to a real presidentiable. Some mini-celebs in the event: 90's has-been Jaime Garchitorena, Youth rep./host/he's-everywhere Bam Aquino, Sen. Kiko Pangilinan, Berty Lim (some business person implicated(? lol!) by Lozada). I also met students leaders from other universities. Booze and bands at the end of the program.

an attempt at sisyphus

Rurok?
Nagbabadyang hangin.
Nagdurugong puso.

Lamig.
Kapit na bibitiw.
Dilim na babalot.

Dam'hin.
Diwang sumisigaw.
Ulang bumubuhos.

Kapit.
Higpit na 'di 'tanto.
Lakas? 'di siguro.

alone

I remember something about last week. I was out everyday looking for a job. My schedule was, usually, interviews or tests in the morning then school in the afternoon for the job fair. And that wasn't an easy task. Most of my tests and interviews were in Makati. I had to ride two trains from Makati to school and vise versa, and a lot of walking. I remember dining at various restaurants and usually fast food chains alone. That what really struck me more than the tons of walking I had to do. I didn't exactly feel alone or lonely in the first couple of times I did it. But on the third day that I had to eat alone, it occured to me that I Am Alone and lonely.

It was this one time, friday and a few minutes before dinner time that I decided to placate my grumbling stomach. I was sitting at a corner of a McDonald's branch at a mall arranging my orders, then I notice that everyone had someone with them. I front of me was a couple happily chatting their plans for the weekend while chidding their two kids, a boy and a girl who couldn't stop playing with their fries. Immediately to my left were a group of people who are probably in their sixties, talking about a common friend, happily excahnging their opinions about him/her.

I sat on a table with four chairs and twice did someone asked for the vacant chairs. I felt so alone. A group of noisy highschool girls borrowed the second chair and I watched two of them took that chair away to their noisy group, they really lively and boisterous and quite happy to share each others' company. And then it happened. Something broke into the well guarded mullioned sappyness. I used to reassure myself that I can live on my own, get old on my own, die on my own... the usual misfit's dramarama. But it struck me, have I been planning to starve myself of bliss? I have been all about survival since that stupid lesson on Sarte (at least in my head I'm all about that). Alanis was right, we have to decide between survival and bliss. The vital question is: Is your hope (or motivation in life) about merely clinging on to something dear (and elaborate its complexities so that you can arrive at God) or do you go after happiness and the possibility of it?

where's my torch dear sakyans

What the hell. I figured to write rather than excruciatingly wait for employment prospects. Yeah, I might not have anything juicy right now but I ought to do something. Yes I'm at a lost again in the job market and almost begging for someone to notice me. Ha! But I won't surrender or despair, nor would I wait for The Meaning of Life to dawn on me. No. For now, I should write... err to ebb off any sense of purposelessness. I should feel like I'm doing something worthwhile- and fortunately writing does take a toll on me.

So since my last update, I had that highschool reunion with fellow Sakyans. It was a blast and I got to meet some old friends. Key word: some. Yes those hollow-skulled big bad high school bullies were there as well. They were fat, pot-bellied and a few were horribly ugly- and probably fathering children. Anyway, the good ones were there as well- who are doing great right now(good business, med school, good careers, etc). I actually wrote an entry about it but it was erased by pc gods. Perhaps I said something appalling about those (now) prissy school administrators who welcomed us so unctuously. I mean they didn't gave us time to hate them at the homecoming, hate inspired by those unbecoming highschool years. Lol! Anyway, we shouldn't dwell on that. So after Jan.14 homecoming, I finally got to fix my thesis grade and clearance in school. And last week I got interviews and I submitted resume to a job fair sponsored by our school. I also applied for social security as well. And just this week, well... one test and a lot of waiting and reading and waiting.

About employment prospects... hmm. Well I definitely failed at least 3 interviews/tests I think. One asked me to write a code on a white board, another was also a programming tests and sudoku puzzles (I know: what the?)- which I by the way didn't finish because the business owner freaked me out and I'm rather nauseous about sudoku (and it was my first time!). The third is the renown p&g exam, which I failed again (after two years since my last try). But I'm not giving up hope one those others, three jobs that I really want.

bear your torch dear sakyans

God it's been almost 6 years since highschool. I wonder how everybody would look like. Batch 70-something is hosting this sunday's alumni homecoming. I hope a lot from our batch will come. Seriously, a good 3 years ago, I would've been the first person to dismiss this idea. I was odd ball in highschool and I never liked most of my batchmates anyway. Probably my overbearingly friendly friends these days have rubbed off some fo their sociability to me. Things don't look good though, only a handful from our batch have confirmed their attendance. O shit, I don't have a success story. Think Romeo and Michelle! Think Romeo and Michelle! Pressure. I was told that some of my batch mates are earning 30k pesos and up (and that's really something only two years after college in this part of the third world) and to make things worse, some of them have their own businesses already. Ugh. I'm not particulary a let's-go-after-personal-glory type of person, but jeez with this social panopticon I can't help but be stressed about my unemployment. Anyway, I should focus on the good things. Imagine their success stories (those odd geeks now succesful)! Imagine how those cool highschool bullies turn out as fat and ugly dads of one or two children! Lol! (I actually feel bad for some of them... err only slightly. : )

Ooh, and I'm getting a pair of glasses tomorrow. I'm quite excited in taking nerdy look a step further. Whatever. I never thought I would wear eye glasses. I had such perfect vision. I could read everything from top to bottom of that E chart or eye chart (what do they call them anyway). I could even read the smallest of the letters back in the hay day (my God! there's actually such a thing at this age. Scary scary.). Tons of reading and computer hours back in college must have done this. Shit, I should get my student insurance- which pratically no one I know knows!

I'm still looking for a job. I've applied to some but they seem to ignore me. Hmm, must try to work harder. Someone give me a job, please!

alive!

Kainez! This would be the third time I'm writing this entry. Ugh. This IE version really sucks. I think it's because the Windows XP I borrowed was fake. The freakin' internet browser kept getting errors! Ugh, it's like no one really wants me to write another entry- and boy that doesn't help the fact that I'm particularly lazy at this. Anyway:

Now that's a tad more than a month since my last entry. Dear blog, not that people actually care but we gotta tell our story. Shoot. Surprise, surprise! I've been busy- and a little less sulky about my academic limbo- since the last update. I've been busy ehm... socially. And I've never been particularly and outlandishly gregarious in my entire life. December came with dinners here and there. Birthday parties, christmas dinners, movie outings, and the whole shebang. And yeah, I'm currently on poverty mode, losing cash as the new year arrived. But I'm not actually sulky anymore and that makes a whole lot of difference.

Oh and I spent the new year alone in our apt, uh here in Manila. I stayed here alone and left my parents and aunts and cousins in our other house, a long way north from here. I spent it alone and I was insanely exhuberant about it. December 31 ended with me alone in the apt. TV on. Windows closed and curtains down. Not that I was particulary doing something nasty. I'm too boring for that. I hear that pollution gets 10x worse during new year's eve because of all those firecrackers. And boy, it's beyond evident in this part of manila every new year. You can actually see faint smoke sneaking in underneath the closed door. It was beyond scary this time but I managed to get used to that foul fircracker smell- and locked myself in the bedroom after an hour of exposure. By 2am I was in bed alone drinking my fake wine (carbonated grape juice 'coz I have alcohol allergies). Ominous, I thought. Alone with fake wine and all. But then a few days ago I read that Rats will be lucky this year.