night out with "friends"

Yesterday night, I went out with a throng of highschool uhm.. friends? A batchmate flew in from China and was bound for Davao in a few days. He just arrived yesterday at 4 in the morning and had been on the road, perhaps, uhm gamboling with his cronies and minions among my highschool batchmates after arriving. And boy, he had been one of those semi-cool kids and semi-bully back in highschool. Ugh, highschool memories bring so much bitterness. Bitterness abounds specially with those people! But I digress... So he invited Karah, who's my best pal among hs peeps these days, on a dinner with a couple of other more batchmates. He missed her, the batch, and what-have-you's. And Ka's supposed to invite me, since he said "we" should come. And we, in Ka's world means Ken, me, Nes, et. al. (cliques and factions and all those corns you can think of. Think stupid people in stupid highschool days.) I thought why not? A chance to catch up, update my social skills, escape impending boredom in front of the tv, yadda yadda yadda. So I decided to go.

And, ha! Mind you, back in highschool I facied myself the outcast or the reluctant but compassionate sociopath. I had a sort of clique, yes but I loathed some and more outside that ridic group. And you're right, that disgust was not in any way one-sided. And Ka et. al, well let's just say they were the popular kids back in highschool, friends with all kinds of circles, bridging the social divides and what-not's. Ha! We had all that despite being a tad less than a hundred. And social-climbing had never been more complex!

Fine! I was bullied heavily you wouldn't have a clue. And no, not only by a couple or a group of peeps! *breathes in, breathes out* Lol! And I bullied back. And no they didn't like it. I didn't like them. Anyway, back to the topic:

Davao dude picked us up at Ka's, using his rich crony's nice car. Dinner time. eat eat eat. Plastered plastered smile, forcing myself to believe that this would turn out to be a good night. talk talk talk. Mantra of the night: fuck off bitter self, enjoy the night. And I did. I managed to sort of take charge of the conversations. There were only five of us that dinner time so it was relatively easy. But oh no, they texted texted some more people. By the time we transferred to Mocha Blends there were already 14 of us nicely not talking to each other over coffee (See I wasn't alone!). At some point, we divided into 2 groups. Luckily I got into the almost likeable people. At some point we were actually having quite a normal, tolerable conversation- fine, a good conversation, almost genuinely enjoyable. And to my surprise I didn't regret the night. I was exhausted, yes, in putting up with those other people.

But, I won't hold back here. And luckily most of my hs batchmates don't read a lot of online stuff. If I had the chance back then to get my revenge without being butchered, shot, etc, these would them:

To J., M., D.
Fat people go to hell. Okay maybe not. There's only been one time in my life when a fat person had been kind to me. And you three! Someday I'll suck all your fats out and drown you three in it! You would be too stupid you won't even notice me slicing your skin and sucking your fats. I never did anything bad to you but you were always there to humiliate me!

To O.
You fucking fairy! You backstabbing scrawny fairy! We backed you up when you had that big problem. And you fucking humiliated us at our back in front of your new college friends. You fucking hurt us you know. We had been very good friends. But oh ho! You had to announce that you always feel forced to hang out with us, like it's something that you owe us! You had to announce it to other people and later in front of us, like some fucking sort of press conference! We thought we were supposed to be real friends. You know that that little press conference of yours would hurt us. But you did it anyway. Why didn't you just drift away eh and not hang out? But I guess you're too dramatic and theatrical for that yes? You're a fraud and you know it. Stop playing the victim!

To Mr. M.
Get a nose job, it's too big you can even smell my lying compliments for you. And please stop being nice or composed in front of me. It doesn't suit you. I let it pass, you know, those snide remarks and all too-dramatic tirades you had to do whenever you were no in the mood (whenever our fucking stupid "clique" would dine out). And no, A, I do forgive but I never forget. Never. J. et al may have told you things but you have nothing to do with me, you weren't the one I wronged. So get your nose job and stop pretending you want to talk to me. It makes us both sick.

Omg. I've never felt such release! I know I'd be sorry for this someday. And I never explode like this in person- and never had that chance to do this in front to them. Ugh. I hate bitterness and by God I hope to forgive people someday. But those memories are just too strong. And, promise, in moments of absolute necessity, in moments when I have to engage them in any conversation, I try to be as civil as much as possible. I even try (more like force myself) to like them. God, help me forgive.