Can't sleep. Err, yet again. And this precipituous inclination to despair is in the air once more- after what could be a long and unabated (possibly) zest for post-school life. Heh, that bit over a year certainly had my head going the right way, I guess. I actually felt good. I wasn't exactly doing the same thing everyday for the last year, learning curve was challenging, and I find work (people, etc) quite tolerable and even fun, occasionally. That's prolly the longest time for A Clean, Well-lighted Place after that generally dreary and pointless college life. Point is, we're possibly on a journey yet again that'd retell how I came of out of sappy ego-diminishing sentimentalities back in the hay days.

Well, I want to believe that this schmaltziness should be some form of blessing. I've forgotten how I came to resolve all those puerile conundrums on life's "supposedly" evident (nauseating) aimlessness. this is a chance to really know that journey again - and write about it, getting me a deeper psychosis of myself. hopefully, it'd get me a better chance to reassess things, esp on whether I'm still game with the choice I made for myself 2 years ago- ah, hazy days... and suddenly a year has passed. Like I'm suddenly awake.

Gah. It's just that sad movie, yeah? And why the hell do I always bother to come off with a vague form of depth. I mean, isn't "vague form of depth" irony, even? Urk. Let's just get back to our venture on getting our value increase in the corporate world, which ceaselessly proves its usefulness and sterility, esp. when it comes to drying off those sappy emotionalities on who we really are, etc. We're just workers in cubicles dammit. money money money and, from time to time, let's forcefully churn out gaeity from folks at work, friends and family. That's life in the 21st century. Exceptions either die out or infect us with their own version of life. Let's just welcome that wave. let's stop this pointless pseudo-intellectual middle-class ramblings already.

maybe something fun for next time.

yeah, I think that physical journal I write to everyday is esentially neurotic. I need another medium to show my version of the world, one that makes me feel like I'm really talking to actual people. I know, what pathetic sort of yuppiness have I found myself dragged to.

Cya cya. Let's pretend I've been actually having a makeshift version of post-school life here, and consider the possibility that I've been preoccupied with the er... more predictable things in life, like keeping a job, resting in those few hours I can, which btw are becoming less and less, and "hanging out" or "chilling"- as one conyo friend (an ideal of sophistication and grace in the third world) would say- with highschool and college buddies, chances would be that I've a lot of reasons to put aside updating this blog. And, it would also mean that I've begun my descent towards banality and a state of dreams slipping away- a moot point I should say, but let's leave that to my next entry. And, more importantly, who cares anyway about this unabashed profusion of self-implicating factoids- a manner of self-aggrandizing if you consider it really. Harharhar!

Let's get on with the real meat of this entry. It's nothing juice- I mean, coming from me, what else would you expect right? Here's a brief summary of everything that's happened after my not-so-brief confinement in unemployed-employed limbo (a frustrating phase in the life of any would-be semi-responsible adult. *ahem ahem*:

1. I finally got the job that I think I can learn a lot from- after an excruciating, vein-thumping, vomit-inducing and anxiety-causing six month worth of waiting.
2. A week after getting the job, I got a call from two companies, one of which was my target NGO! The latter had an opening for a what could be a lousy secretarial/ coordinating job. So no.
3. Hosted our division's Christmas party! And they loved it! Well, at least that's what everyone kept telling me for the past few days. I led the organizing committee as well. We had a song and dance number, among other stupid things they made us newbies do. Harhar! And they enjoyed it a lot! And the hosting made everyone laughed- a lot, which gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. And, no, I'm not counting out the fact that this may just be paranoia setting in.
4. Made a lot of new friends in the workplace! Nice people, really.
5. Spotted someone new to obsess about. shyet, Shyet, SHYET! Let's have another one way love affair. But at least I don't obsess about that horror highschool story anymore. We're adults now. We move on. Gawd, I need to say that to out loud just to make sure it happens. Hahahaha!.

And of course, the list includes major spills about some friends:

6. Ken getting on with his month-long trip to Turkey, leaving me and Ka to fend for ourselves and have our now only two-some coffee sessions. Get back here immediately and help me placate her occasional sobbing/hysterical feats!
7. Sha getting a dip in the Ganges, and proving I was wrong in thinking it's polluted through and through.
8. Mariela getting back from Gensan, Japan, and China to Manila for a few days. Luckily, we had lunch to catch up on things in her life as a mgt trainee and mine as a lowly cubicle-bound programmer. She'd be off for Denmark again. Ugh, kaingit.
9. Ka getting a way too younger boyfriend. I thought, finally she have someone to boss around, after her er... rather traumatic and so inappropriate relationship with a way too older boyfriend not so long ago. Go Ka!
10. Finally got a hold of Diane Torres! She's into "events"- err.. don't ask. And She's also a model. That really threw me off. Some people do get prettier in their twenties.
11. Finally bought Christmas gifts for family using my own moolah! It feels great. Harharhar!

Sabi nga ni Mr. McLaughlin,

"A life goes by.
Romantic dreams must die.
And I bid mine goodbye..."

And to think just last thursday I watched that stupid X-Files movie with a friend. Something about not giving up, losing it, not surrendering to whatever darkness-hooblah Scully was blabbering about. But I got it. I Knew- whatever the hell they were talking about. Very Gabriel Marcel. A different kind of surrender. A surender that puts a premium on action- not on despair (the film puts some more ellipses on The God Issue, but what the hell). And now, this equally ridic song.

Shet. That's something. That's the universe telling me something crucial.

And the song doesn't end there either. Just like a possible trajectory of my life, the song continues,

"... So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you.
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close."

And ends with,

"We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end.
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close.
So close
And still so far."

Psychotherapy. Anyone?

Fortunately- or unfortunately, depending on my mood- I'm still here wandering among well-trained docile bodies of the work world. I don't find it depressing, but I still flinch at the idea that I'd be doing the same the thing for the rest of my life. And(!) I'm not even at the point of doing actual work err... efficiently,which is practically a tell tale sign of my impending doom (i.e. getting sacked?). I'm giving myself time to adjust, be good at it, and all those sickly sentimentalities on "self-actualization" sold by the corporate world. Anyway, we bitter people should give it a chance. Otherwise, we won't really know whether it sucks or not. And, why not if it gives us a chance to learn something else other than err bitterness, right? I mean, spending half your life on what-could-have-been's, what you can never have/be/etc, among other permutations of despair gets a bit boring after a while, right?

So yes, let's give life a chance, no matter its form. Let's stop moping and leave Hemmingway and Camus for a while. Let's do this! Let's think that the world may actually be about us. As my friend Ken cogently put it (over dinner with Ka yesterday), God loves him and the universe actually talks to him. I mean I can channel that feeling, can't I? Yeah, let's think Paulo Coelho- or maybe leaf through my sister's A Purpose Driven Life. Ooh, Que sera sera... Meh. But really I'm pushing myself, mainly because I want to be independent in all aspects of my life, as much as possible.

Aside from the above-mentioned everyday drama, I think I'm doing well- not, in anyway, financially or career-wise of course. But surprisingly I do manage my expenses efficiently. And, on some obscure chance, I manage to earn new friends and build on my old relationships. Lol! I'm such a sad person. Like I really have to say it! Just yesterday I had dinner at Fat Michael's, which by the by has very good salad and pizza, with Ka and Ken. And last friday, I had dinner with DS shiftees college friends at Bollywood (Indian cuisine!). And everyweek I get to have lunch with one or two other college friends. Ha! And I even volunteered for my Highschool's (Sakya) Alumni Association. Beat that. Besdies that, I have time for books and dibidi's on weekends. And come june or later, maybe I can even get into ACED's volunteer work again on weekends. I guess we can call that life.

Pressure pressure. I didn't think it will be like this. Give me a year at most. Must stay on track. Give me hope. Shet. Yun lang. Bow.

I bought a book by Stephen Hawking. A Brief History of Time (latest edition) was on sale and I've been wanting to buy it since highschool! Now at chapter 3 I positively feel abysmal and stupid. But this should be good. The last time I felt stupid was on my fourth year in college, those piles of articles/books written and inspired by sad and dead old people for my Philosophy courses. But then some of those readings were translated from foreign languages, which was proably the reason I found them difficult to understand. Most of those dead authors were French, and God knows how awful people translate that language into English. This time, Hawking is positively clear on language. It's just that I don't understand the concepts very clearly, especially space-time. I mean I understand the illustrations but I can't seem to imagine it in the real world!!! And, gulay, this is already a physics book for lay people. Frustrations, frustrations.

After too much bitterness, too much frustration this time. I thought I will go cloud nine after learning I passed the qualifying exam for this company that I really like; that it will inevitably snowball into more endorphins witht the following days. I was wrong. After spending the holy week (third world on suspended animation) grinning thoughtlessly on passing the dream job, withstanding friends suggesting the results could have been mixed up, I snapped out of it. Earlier today a friend who works for that comp told me that 250/2000 people pass the exam and that a series of tests and interviews would follow to really really qualify. Ok I can definitely commit to at least trying to beat everyone for that spot, I thought. But then, I took another exam come afternoon this same day for one of those companies where most people in my university end up. Frustrating, dragging, difficult! Ugh, and with a very slow connection! And with people (fucking interns!) coming in and out of the room spouting- loudly!-factoids about their lives like we should care or something. I finished the test, rode the elevator to make for the exit at the first floor, not without maudlin thoughts on how inadequate I am for people started sinking in. I didn't even enjoy the free send-off dinner for graudates later that night. I forced myself to deal with people and smile that night. And then I went to the loo and looked at the mirror. And there, right at that moment, I behold the ugly aging primate without anything good to offer the world! Bad thoughts. On the train home I was still brooding about them. Somebody should've slapped me in the face instead and wake me up. That could have been more pleasant than feeling, yet again, bad about myself.

Problem is I never felt like I did something really worth telling other people for the past 5 years. No kidding. I never felt I achieved something that I or people I love could be proud of. Ugh, middle class drama and all, I know. But I just want that feeling (again, after God knows how many years) that makes me feel good about myself. I realize that I'm shallow and there seems to be no escape from it. Foucault, where art thou? Get me out of this panopticon! lol! But really, I think I will always have these thoughts about myself and how I figure in the world, no matter how much I intellectualize about these things.

I knew spending too much time harping how much I had been the underdog will have its evil repercussions. But I can definitely remain vigilant- more than petulant I hope- under these circumstances; to count my blessings, hope for the best, and all that jazz. In fact, I already feel quite better just writing about them. Haaaaaaay. Breathe.