Friday, June 08, 2007

it's a.k.a. ambition

Okay. Fine. I think a part of it is vanity. Anyway, the most important thing is that I (re)learned today that I've become too detached to feel that I'm actually giving something or wanting to give. I used to be an empath. I'm not kidding. That's what you can become I think when you go through a Buddhist elementary and high school- all that hype about human suffering, it gets to kid's mind I think. I used to be super sensitive on human emotions. What ever happened to me?! Well, yeah, I went to college. They taught us how idealogies drive emotions, Foucault-inspired rationalization, etc, etc. I became me. Cool. But only for a some time. Whenever friends would share problems- which time and time again would boil down to how sorry they are for themselves- I would always berate them on all these psuedo-intellectual bullshit. I lost that initial response(intinct?) to actually feel for the other person- no matter how foolish or selfish his/her reasons for being lonely were.

Something happened that changed me. Yep, today I got inspired by a friend's kindness. I swear, her simple gesture of letting those 2 kids sit beside her in the train was something, well after telling me her story of how she didn't want them to feel how she felt when adults would bully her in the train when she was kid. Basta. And that's just one of her gestures. And her stories were wow- well besides the skull crack accident, of course (lol). Well, of course this led to further brooding here and there. And I thought I lost that, etc.

I thought this is most essential if I want to do what I plan for myself to do. Why not really see what's going on in the streets, in my own neighborhood, before reading all those heinous elaboration on world hunger, aids, etc- before all those abstractions. Why not look at the people sitting, walking beside you and think how would you feel if he/she is you? Yes, acting on this intial care may have have it's downfall. But, isn't this initial care the foremost element to removing pain and suffering? (Maybe it has something to do with exclusive spaces (hello? the hill?) we go to everyday. And no, I didn't watch Obama on Oprah's show?!)

daluyan entry

I thought I'd share my entry to Daluyan, ISO's (Institute of Social Order) yearly publication. Every volunteer last summer was supposed to write an entry about his/her experiences:

Introspection: Rethinking Idealism
By Eric Uy

It turned out that my month-long volunteer work for ISO was anything but immersion in programs for areas in Quezon or Camarines Norte. They weren’t able to squeeze me because two volunteers had already confirmed for programs- and they were only supposed to have one volunteer for each location. I was devastated. I was expecting something akin to involvement with community development projects. But luck was against me. For the most part, I was confined to a computer station, squeezing the littlest drop of creativity I had to redesign their website. I was more than apprehensive about this daunting task. It had been a very long time since I last flaunted my skills on Flash or Photoshop- not to mention that I have to learn how to use Dreamweaver!

Things started to get better eventually. My long forgotten fervor for design was rekindled, and I was actually building tangible skills for web design. What’s more was that I got to know the people behind ISO, people who have dedicated their lives to social development, people whose lives may inspire me in choosing what to do after college. These became more than a consolation for not making it to the immersion program. Luck was actually on my side.

When I, along with the other three volunteers, chanced on having some of the staff for a casual chit-chat over mirienda, my initial interest in their lives took another turn. I had to ask what motivates them in their job. That particular question was loaded with our notions of “the development worker”. I was surprised to hear that it’s not exactly their original idealism that inspires them. Ate Ging, coordinator for IFARMC Lamon Bay, for instance mentioned that it’s the joy with fellow co-workers that inspires her to retain and do her job well. Ate Norie, Value-based Education officer, on the other hand, said that it’s not about the vision of what it is to be developed for the people ISO assists; it’s the feeling of being with the people of the community as they improve that drives her- no matter how small those improvements maybe. Ultimately, she said, that grand vision of development wouldn’t be tangible- not in her lifetime at least, she comically shared.

On development work, I had in mind toiling everyday to create a society where everyone has equal chance to better his or her life. I guess youth has something to do with this arguably naïve notion of development- evidently a close resemblance appeared in the younger ISO staff. Perhaps my real question was how would I endure a career on social development? Would the sort of idealism I have suffice to motivate me to go to work everyday? Will this kind of idealism last or is it merely transitory? What would my motivation be in working if my grand notion of development wouldn’t materialize?

Reality check. It was foolish to assume that the life I would lead should be solely based on this notion of idealism, on making sure that everything I do would be in line with this particular vision. I realized that development work is life like any pursuit of any vocation; that it’s about the people you do it for and with more than the idea of pursuing something good. I can say that the same thing seemed to take precedence between ISO and the people of Jomalig, whose company I enjoyed for a very brief period.

Knowing the people behind ISO enabled me to rethink my kind of idealism. I realized that while the vision of development could remain intangible, people who you do it with and for could certainly couldn’t. What’s more is that they can reveal pieces of that grand vision. It became something to look forward to in the future. Post-graduation scenario seems less dreary and more exciting. Those precious conversations enlightened me on what development work really- or more accurately what it is not solely about.

So it happens that after my volunteer work didn’t only let me regain some of the skills I’ve long forgotten and develop new ones, it also opened my eyes that to what’s in store after college, which I need very much in my senior year. Most importantly, the people I spent my month-long volunteer work have made me recognize that it’s people that matters in the future I’m planning for myself- not the idea of me pursuing something grand. Thanks to all ISO staff for this great experience!

Monday, June 04, 2007

100th post (kariran na pls?!)

Fine. Enough drama already. It's a shame that something had to slap me on the cheek just to wake me from this awful torpor. There's nothing to be sad about. There are a lot of things to fear. But that never justifies retreat. And awful self-pity just need some Foucault-inspired rationalization techniques. Eyelaavet!

I have to prove that I can do this, else I'd be sorry for the rest of my life. I know this is really the beginning of my story. I'm glad I can say this time that it'll be my story, despite all hardships this decision would certainly entail. Drama, drama, etc. The point is I know where I want to go. The awful things that seem to distract/obstruct me pales beside this amazing certainty.

I need more things to energize me, to make me want this more, to not let everything essential slip away. I don't need drama- or, better, I need to reread F's words again. I swear, anti-depressant.