coffee- friend or foe?

I won't be surprised if I just pass out any moment now.

I didn't sleep at all. I got home around 9 pm, had dinner and some telly that finished around 11. Then, pronto, placed all reading stuff on the sofa then sat down for some 2 hours. I got all groggy so I fixed my self a cup of coffee and a slice of cake. I immediately popped into normal perky existence and began my Poli Sci reflection paper. Sana B man lang. I finished around 7, got all panicky, tapped the showers, dressed up, and scurried off to the train.

At the train, the caffeine in my circulation was wearing off. Two big - the fat construction worker built- men on both of my side. Was nodding off to sleep and got all jerky! I sort of hit my head on the man at my left, and got the guts to laugh my ass off. I imagined myself getting all sleepy and jerky. People were actually a bit annoyed looking at me. I must have looked totally wasted - and that's saying a lot because I don't even drink. I got out of the train and luckily got to Poli Sci class alive. God is good.

I believe I'll spent the rest of the day sleeping. This is my second time to do this sort of thing.

Anyway, I'm in Faura lab. I could have had gone home! The good boy in me tells me I should stay for ISA class.

I'm quite okay now. Blogging really helps a lot. I think it's also because of the tons of bread I ate earlier at the Caf. They didn't tell me extra slices of bread would mean 4 slices. My eyes must have popped out seeing those piles of slices. It was just for breakfast with small serving.

the glass is half full

I still have some 3 more hours to burn until an org commitment. Yes, I'm capable of such things. Got nothing better to do so I decided to doodle something here hoping that some brilliance emerges.

Everybody prolly has a time-line. And in between specific significant events lies boredom. But when you get to wait things to happen, you tend to miss the important stuff; when you think you're bored you're missing the point. Thus, we should not say that we are bored, but that we're missing the point of experience. I hope this isn't coming from some abstracted belief but from experience.

Writing really alleviates that nausea, which is preoccupied with "I should get to the next point of the timeline", and that "this point of time is nonsense". Translation: boredom, angst, residue of modernity- I really like that terminology.

Something is always up, and we're missing most of it. We're missing the beauty of experience because we worry about next point in our time - not that it's bad but that it's what keeps you breathing.

The next point in my time-line is 430 pm.

We think our lives is that time line, that collection of hundreds and hundreds of specific events. This is why we get nauseated when we experience being in between points. There's no such thing as a life based on such collection. But it's an option if you want to point to something you call your life. I have had enough of embracing it. I need to reclaim grace, those blessed moments in between.

Yeah, I should prolly stop here. I feel like I'd be making things up if I continue.

Honestly, I should spend more time in thinking about what matters to us people, not some genuinely weird and outrageous problems that only concern me.

I found that I'm not the only one who feels strangely insulted when talking to the Rory (ie.e Evangelical Christian girl). Apparently, her flatmate seemed to be as irked as I am whenever she raves. I should not elaborate. She'd probably wrestle me to death if she finds out I'm actually writing about her issue. She's very much capable of wrestling any guy she chooses. Hehe! I mean she's great but she tends to listen too much to herself when you speak to her, never caring what the other has to say. She's a televangelist in the making. Let's barf later.

On other news, teacher's a charlatan. Drawing the conclusion that it's because of the inefficient CSIs that Filipinos don't get proper justice is just too lame, too vapidly anecdotal and barely factual. All his supposed intellectual references pertain to television shows - to come up with that conclusion. Any educated person would dismiss his theories immediately. Man, teach your techie stuff. And please, I don't believe the physics stuff about static electricity being more manifest at ground level. And he didn't even explain it. He said, "you guys should review your physics". I mean if you really know, why don't you explain?! What an asshole. You may perhaps be someone important in your field, but please don't talk about other stuff. You'd probably look stupid if you mention any of those notions to your colleagues anyway.

Another important thing. My Poli Sci class will end before October. Sacrilege! It ends just when I'm about to really get into involving myself with what's going on around. Give me the daily fast! Teacher's taking a month of break to prepare leaving the country come November to take her doctorate in the U.S. I really should start my independent education about how to help solve the excruciatingly vast problems of this portion of the third world.

I didn't attend my Theo and Supply Chain Management classes earlier today. I actually woke up at 6 am. But I figured to just read my Ethics stuff. I thought nothing serious would be up in those two subjects anyway. Right? Wrong!!! They had a bonus quiz in Theo and I guess a series of lectures in Supply Chain. Damn! Something bad always comes up when I decide to slack off a bit. Half the class was absent in Theo, which was why Ms. Rosana gave them a bonus quiz. And, the quiz was all about the lecture She gave last Tuesday! I know I could've gotten at least some 8 points if I attended the class. Damn it.

I'd be going to the Lib or Mateo to get some company, either,animate or inanimate. You, PC, is neither. I need some serious counseling. Oh and I finished reading a little more than half of the Half Blood Prince. A PDF copy of the book has been circulating around the web since Sunday! This is totally unfair. I mean I'm pro-piracy when it comes to movies, especially if it's a third world we're talking about. Those actors are earning more than they should anyway. But books are different. I'll think of further arguments. Wait and see. Hehe!

wars waged

We just finished our case study in supply chain management. We have to present it in class tomorrow. I can't believe we finished our third strategy in just 20 minutes over the phone. I really thought such thing was impossible. Romps was a wee bit too enthusiastic to do the case. He started it right after it was given to us. I mean who in their right (or lazy) mind would do such a thing? Anyway, most of my job was to provide ideas to create new strategies, check inconsistencies, and suggest other concepts. I will not get into details - and I suspect you don't want me too. After the report, I'll have my recitation in Ethics class. God help me.

I got home late earlier and found my mother on the rocking chair. She told me that sister bought me a key chain. She bought it in Canada after her exams, I guess. I was like, oh please! I'm not a 5-year-old to believe that blatant lie. I mean, come on. It was a bit normal back then when I was in grade school. But now, with all the necessary wars waged, I will even refrain from entertaining thoughts of my sister being all magnanimous to me.

Now they're chatting on the dining table. And I think they notice that I'm paying attention to their chit chat. I'm glad they're having that casual talk. It's not normal these days in this household. Mother and I also got some tea and sympathy moment at the dining table. I thought it was genuinely quite comforting.

I finished reading the first 11 chapters of the Half Blood Prince. I was reading 8 hours non-stop yesterday, except for the occasional water and snack breaks. It's definitely addicting. I am a bit of a slow reader I guess. I know someone who read the entire book in just 6 hours! If only I'm that fast, I wouldn't feel encumbered by the tons of readings Father David frequently throws at us. I actually read books 2 and 3 in just three days- So I guess I'm just trying to slow down to really get the feel of Half Blood Prince.

I still haven't submitted my Aegis (yearbook shitness up the hill) requirements. And I'm required to pay them 600 pesos on Wednesday. I can only work on Tuesday! Really, what kind of laborious things they do that justify their fines for being late? They prolly just bum around and wait for our stuff. They're not even done with encoding everything. And they're effin' "volunteers". 200 pesos per day late is way too much. So much for justifying my tardiness. Hehe!

I still have tons to read for Philo due tomorrow. I'll end here. I really need some serious help for tomorrow's grave endeavors.

a review of this week

I just got out of our "exciting" MIS131. Really, Am I the only one who laments his tasteless jokes? To be fair, he's more than the average CS teacher. We'll give him credits for that. Lessons are okay too and I'm not being sarcastic about that.

I'm in Faura lab right now, burning some 30 minutes. By 1230, I'll be eating. I'll have a case study later with Romps. It's for our Supply Chain Mgt. class, then practice with Celadon dance troupe. Then some more later, I'll have some 50 pages to read for my Ethics class.

Life's exciting especially when you share it with "nice" people. School's great. I wrote something like this yesterday in my PM class. "I wrote I don't hate school, I hate the people." I regretted writing it immediately afterward. I was actually wearing a smile, a genuine one, after the PM class. I just tend to hate people. But I also realize I'm being a hypocrite and unjust. I mean, I enjoy most of the peep's company anyway.

...

On other news, I didn't pass the CADS audition last Monday. Everything was fucked-up. I was a mess. I didn't know that the last day for auditions was that that day- the day I applied. I was wearing jeans. It was difficult to move.

I freaked out even before the actual audition. I was with Sarah who was all dressed up to dance. I was actually confident before our audition slot. I was actually doing great with my moves. But, when we were called in the audition room, I totally lost it. There was about 7-8 judges on a panel sneering at us. Then I froze. The song began and I was still petrified. I knew right away that I wouldn't get in. Got some catharsis going on behind the chapel after my audition. That was my last chance.

I still feel a bit sad about that. I knew I could've danced for real. But I'm better now. I was actually a bit surprised with myself braving the auditions. I've changed. A lot. I don't fear too often these things these days. Sarah got in. I still don't know about her second audition though. And I'm really happy for her. We actually talked each other to audition for this year's sometime last year. She told me, "Pangarap natin 'to". I think I'd be looking for a dance company right after graduation, I'm not yet giving up the talent I know I have. No use drowning in details of my failure right now. I'll have to do what I can with what I have where I am.

...

We'll be having a planting activity tomorrow 6 am. I still don't know much about the virtues my groupmates have. You got that right, we're supposed to think that we are a city where "virtues are being practiced". Yes, it sounds like a high school paper. Our 15-page paper should also be Aristotelian, mimicking the way he wrote about the Athenian virtues. I'm still clueless to say the least. Most of my entries in the log book just describe the group thing that happened for each day. And believe it or not we're supposed to footnote ourselves using the logbook. I haven't written a single entry since Monday. It's stupid but I'll be doing that later anyway.

...

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince tomorrow! I'm too excited I can't even fart.

beauty

I wrote this during my internship. Everyone was out for lunch. I was in an air-conditioned room on the 32nd floor, with lights and sounds turned off. I just think this one's beautiful:

(Excerpt) But there's something more that points to that which gives us meaning. It's not that which is a semblance of the transcendental; not that things have purpose, but that we are turned to each other. If life was an unfinished tapestry, meaning lies not in the fibers or strands but the light/color they awaken in each other- without anyone knowing what the tapestry depicts.

These are mainly useless thoughts. They're not very particular, but I think it conveys what I mean. What is true and meaningful can only be that which is lived.

poisonous christians

It happened yesterday during our Project Management class. She asked me what I am good at, then she gave me the book, An Enemy Called Average. I was rather on the defensive right away. She gave me that familiar feeling again, when I thought I've resolved it.

She prolly meant well like any let's-save-the-world evangelical Christians. But she's also probably a poisonous bitch. Ok. She thinks I'm average or drowning in self-pity. I was infuriated because she may be telling the truth. That depresses me a lot. Got into the usual bouts of self-obsession, the usual questions like am I that useless, etc. I really think I'm not excelling much in anything significant after all. That's prolly why I got on the defensive right away.

Rachel must have suffered my eternal complaints and criticisms against that girl I used to admire.

I mean she's Christian. And she must really feel special being such. I used to have that. I used to feel important and have the world somehow figured out. And I get all that psyching-up that we're all unworthy, worthless, etc but because of grace we're suddenly living meaningful lives.

But that's not the only way to see one's life. I think the path I've chosen is good too. I just need some convincing that I will be great on it, that life will be meaningful too. I should never begin my path in some abstraction, some ignorant and highly abstracted principles or dogmas. I should begin with "lived" reality. And she's definitely working on abstractions on purpose and measures of greatness.

Perhaps those two things bother me. She reminds me of the former and I think I'm still insufficient to pursue the latter. I need some serious discernment. I guess I have Rory to thank for that. I really don't buy these Christian authors.

Maybe her purpose of lending me the book was not to point out my being average on an objective point of view; but being not good on my own terms. Maybe it was motivation for excellence not based on any imposed standards, but based on what I feel I could do to feel that I'm at my best. I think we all need that introspection.

Whatever. Not important.

...

I still don't know what to write in my Philo logbook, let alone on that 15-page paper which will only be based on a four-hour activity! It's ridiculous.

GMA's 10 cabinet members have resigned. They are also convincing her to resign. Still don't know how to assess this but I agree on the resignation part.

socially awkward

Tried calling everyone from my mock-flock - unsuccessfully. I only got to talk to 1 out of 5. I thought I was being silly rehearsing what I was supposed to tell them over the phone. Then I got a sudden rush of desperation. I dialed the the first set of numbers. The phone rang This is for real, I thought. Then my heart rate jumped to somewhere near 190 beat a minute. A "hello" burst out from the phone! Oh my God! It's actually from the phone. Good Lord, why am I such a social retard?

Then I said: "Hlow yis pis e-eric frown Celon, kinai shpeak to jaeydiii pleeeese?" The person seemed to understand despite the sub-humanness of my brief spiel. I thought maybe she had braces too. Then at last to JD (i.e. jaeydiii). Normal chitchat proceeded except for my unusual and frequent exclamations, which I still find weird. Okay, I put the phone down and dialed the next number, with my voice still shaking. Luckily- or otherwise- 2 didn't answer, 1 was not home, 1 was a wrong number. Hoo ha.

Loner Eric using the phone for casual chitchats is not normal in this part of the universe. I don't know who's on the other end of the phone line. I need some serious education on socialization. I never used the phone for to affect friendship back in high school? Hell, that's not even a question. I prolly hated most of them then anyway that's why. Haha!

I think I'm way past people-phobia. I'm very comfortable talking to strangers and even crowds these days. But talking to someone you don't know and don't see is totally something else for me. I was literally rehearsing my lines before I dialed the first number. Retard.

....

I have finally made my stand on current happenings in this country. Legislators should pursue the impeachment. We should know the truth and address the concerns of those who believe in our being a democracy. And maybe to insist the resignation of the president through bureaucratic means, not through mobs. All actions should be constitutional, otherwise we'll say hello to recurring mob/elite rule.

I'd stamp a big question mark to "The Filipino People". This has been used by various groups when talking about themselves and what they want to happen to this country. How dare you assign a government of your own choice?! Only after this conflict should we really have a new revolution, a change in the system of governance. Changing the president would only entail the same conflicts I think.

We are responsible for upholding correctness if we really want change. What "we" were you talking about when you said we have done this before and we can do this again? Give us a break.

drifting

Nothing exceptional to write about. Maybe this can be a way for me to interpret my subconscious some day in the future, like how our stupid psych teacher made us draw a person and spout random guesses and interpretation.

Anyway, I woke up 7am. Got some bread and oatmeal for breakfast. It was raining really hard.

I was late for Theo class this morning. We had the usual group discussion about the assigned reading. As expected, some more discussion for the entire class after the group discussion. And whoa! People really got into the discussion about faith as something communal. Apparently Ms. Beadle was a recent Catholic convert, arguing that the subjective aspect of faith is the essential thing. She got all cathartic, while some other devout countered her.

There was this horse-faced barbie who seemed rather smug while discussing her point against Ms. Beadle. Hated her immediately. Ok maybe I'm not making any sense, but then, can't they be more collected? And oh, Mr. programmer's a self-proclaimed atheist. Another heated participant of the discussion. I wonder if he really meant saying that. I liked how Ms. Rosana handled everything. Maybe people should do this more for the entire class.

Oh did I mention that I was soaked waist down when I entered Theo class? I found it quite refreshing actually. After the class, I braved the mad weather going to Xavier Hall to pay my tuition but decided otherwise because of the long queue.

Instead, I entered Supply Chain Management class, our "favorite" class. Emphasis on the quotations. I just hate it when insecure yuppies/grad school people teach. Why does he have to teach like we're in some Psychiatric ward? It'd be good if he were the patient.

We got dismissed some 10 mins early. We ran for some snacks and hurried for Philo class but Father David was missing in action. We'll probably have a class this Saturday to make up for that. Well, we'll hear everything from him on Thursday. I hope he cancels the Saturday class. No one wants to go to school on a Saturday!

Finally I got to pay my tuition fee in Xavier. Got on the train at around 1139, still soaking wet. And got home 30 minutes later and stayed online forever.

Now. I'm about to have dinner. Oh and did I mention that Sis is flying for Canada tom to take her exams. I don't know what to say. Uhm. Bye? I plan not to talk to her until I'm about 60. Hehe! It's that bad between us. Cold shoulder and all that jazz.

Anyway. Why do I write all these mundane stuff? Why do I want to believe that I can find something meaningful when I read this in the future? We are infected with the "art" of psychology. Every interpretation is worthy. It's that ridiculous.

eyes like mine

I didn't know what to think or feel when I received messages earlier this afternoon about the death of my high school English teacher. I was in Landbank when I read them. He died of colon cancer and heart disease last Tuesday. His body will be buried tomorrow in Nueva Ecija. I guess everyone in my batch is still as shocked as I am to this very moment.

He was always there whenever I try to conjure up memories of high school. He is definitely someone to remember. I can't forget the time he introduced himself to our class, and to the time we said goodbyes on graduation.

One thing I specially remember was his eyes. Eyes that have known real loneliness. I remember him always being jovial and funny, but I never missed his eyes whenever he made us laugh. I guess I can say he succeeded in trying to make that link between people and himself. I really don't want to spoil my memories of him. I'll stop there. This is not just some desperate attempt to make sense of his life. This is to comprehend what he had been to us.

He also believed in us. He believed in me, in whatever paltry talent I exuded. I felt that. Only one in a thousand teachers can make you believe that you can do wonderful things. I never believed in myself the way he did. He was happy when we passed those college entrance exams. He taught us eagerly. He talked to us about what we think, even of our lives and dreams, as if her really cared. And Lord knows we were young then and we needed that to get respect ourselves and to validate that we do matter.

Perhaps these are exaggerated claims. But he was real inspiration.

...

Have you known real loneliness? I don't mean to exaggerate, but even the mere memory of how sad things were renders me incapable of reaching out to people. But I must aspire to make sense of my life through others, the same way my teacher did. After all, that's the only meaningful thing we can do with our lives.

...

Be planning to go to Nueva Ecija on Sunday or next Friday. Be meeting Ka tom to plan everything.