Monday, May 15, 2006

of caffeine and watermelons

I'm not really into parading sappy stuff about my life, but this really is a good outlet to feel, somehow, at ease. I hope this isn't the result of chocolate overdose; I have this notion that you're bound to be down down down when you're so up yesterday. Hell no, I ate half a watermelon yesterday not tons of chocolates. I don't think watermelons have caffeine. Plus, I've been downloading really cathartic songs. Really bad combination...

I really think these sentiments aren't worth brooding about. I mean, look at the world! Seriously, people with life coaches should rethink their priorities. But still, I need some sort of channel to free myself of this worthless worries.

This is it for my high school friends. I really feel like we're really really parting- the closest people drifting away. It this "letting go, moving forward" shit that I'm weakest in- I never even experienced real college life until third year because of some unnecessary baggage from high school. There's four of my closest friends, one went to Indonesia, another preparing for Qatar, another one I barely get to talk to, and the last one's working already. The fact that I'm living alone only makes things worse: they're the only ones that make this "living alone" quite enjoyable, even "sustaining" that empty part of my existence. I mean when I say "life", they're in the picture that makes my life somehow colorful to look at. Okay, maybe these may even be hyperbole but I can't take severing old friendships. I can't quite build the same relationship with new people.

I can't imagine how my Mom felt when my sister left for Canada; I can almost imagine how I would be when my friends finally leave. I remember talking my way out of high school drama. I know there's a lot of other more significant things to do with life, but parting really makes these "better things" suck. I'm not good at it. Yes, I think I am making the same departure. But what I'm aiming at seems void of meaning without people who can sustain me. This is what I fear.

No, I won't end with some stupid maxim for once. I'm not sure where this is all going to lead anyway. Eating watermelon late at night is bad. Also, Chocolates and mushy songs don't go together. This is all I must say.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

two weeks of newness

Flying was a weird experience- yes, it was my first time. No, the worn smiles of the flight attendants- as they are properly labeled- nor the irritable fellow passengers didn’t help. It was the microcosm of Asia in the sky where the Chinese was the superior race. Damn jerky Pinoy to my right didn’t get his cup of water half an hour before arriving at CKS airport; Damn chinky Chimays-in-the-sky were still wearing those frozen smiles on our exit. We shared the same skin color and eyes. I was supposed to be Chinese but I’m not.

Lush hills and mountains jutted out as if to guard entire neighborho--- I won't even begin to be all-romantic about this. Taipei city or even the whole of Taipei county is infested with scooters and black dogs! Kids have anime-like hairstyles, smooth skin, and clad in uniforms of their respective schools- the ones you see in Japanese Manga and movies- with uniformed sweaters to boot. It was cold and the air was foggy, at least during my first week there.

It was the nicest "naturey" place I've been too; the city and thick shrubberies and large trees complemented each other very well. They even have squirrels and different kinds of birds on their parks. A man feeding squirrels with tomatoes is the best image etched in my memory. Taipei city proper was very neat, free of the usual trash that littered manila. Even people seemed more neat. It was a far better city that manila, it was obvious enough when I arrived at their airport- a hundred fold better than NAIA.

I tell you, I belong, though not quite. I was rendered clueless by the local dialect. Luckily, I was able to survive most of the conversations that involved me with well-rehearsed nods and unctuous smiles. I didn't rehearse that last bit, it was all-natural. Half-cursing my high school Chinese Education and lamenting why I stopped speaking even Fukien after high school, I go along exploring the rest of Taipei county, unnerved to realize that I had irony written across my face. I was a thick blockhead pompous enough to pretend that I understood all the things spoken to me.

I confirmed that I was Pinoy. It was great to be in a well developed country, to feel the culture, to celebrate their accomplishments, and just to be in a better place. I just didn’t resonate with all of it though. After the initial excitement I felt during the first days of my stay, it occurred to me that I missed the people in my country, my friends and Manila.

On the plane bound for Manila, an old Pinoy hag was sitting on the seat near the window, which my ticket said was mine. I took the pleasure in pretending to be Chinese, talking to her in English, arguing that the one she was sitting on was my seat. She was hesitant to move. The little brown imp, I mean hag, grumbled some unintelligible words and ended up talking to Annie (the Pinay on the center block of seats. We were on the left block of seats), “Eh mareklamo ’tong isang toh”. I kept my disguise just to see how it would end up. Haha, the chinky flight attendant! I was about to show Chimay my ticket while pointing the seat the hag was on when the hag suddenly ejaculated, “Okay, okay, sit”, transferring to the one near the gangway. It was my first time sitting near the window. No hag was going to stop me.

When I took out my Baudrillard excerpt, she seemed unsettled. When I marked the only lines that made sense to me, she exclaimed to Annie, who was probably her daughter, “Pinoy yata!”. I took out the Gift magazine and read the Chinese portion intending for her to see. It was the best show I could deliver. I think I succeeded. When I closed the window she said, “E di nainitan ka din!”- Rather oafish really.

She thought I was Chinese. These things have always been there; it will outlive the hag. It was a good performance though.