The Identity Myth

ondoy (part i)

2009-09-26T21:30:00.007+08:00

(Sta. Cruz Manila. Bagyong Ondoy. From my physical journal.)

I'm convinced. It's a foreshadowing of the imminent parousia!!!

Oh, yes. That would be the 20th time my phone has chimed, indicating low battery. But fuck, electricity's been out since 2 pm this afternoon. 5 minutes more and my phone'd be out, and landline's cut as well because of this fucken typhoon. I'm dying to phone people and read up on what's happening to the world!

I tried getting out- to charge the batts, get some more candles and coffee. The first time I tried getting out was actually around 4pm. But fuck! The ground floor was flooded with putrid rainwater; fucken gray, mixed with filth and unmentionables. I hesistated and got back because I thought I couldn't take plunging my legs in that filth. The flood only looked as if it could barely reach my knees then.

The second was minutes ago, around 9pm. I got downstairs and found that the ground floor was flooded with crotch-high flood already. But I was desperate. At home, I only had candles, a book to read, and only a few bread and fruits left for dinner (I was alone. Our househelper stayed in our other home in Nova). I needed food and communication really badly. I changed into shorts, braved the flood, submerged my legs in those murky waters.

But faaaaaaaak!!! When I reached the gates, I saw that they- our ever-failing security guards (yes, we need an escapegoat)- had barricaded the building from outside, with what looked like assortment of chunks in rice sacks. I thought that was weird and extreme, considering we were already some significant 3 -4 feet higher than the actual street. I thought the flood inside were mere rainfall collected inside the building, etc, etc.

It was dark. So it was only when I hurdled over the barricades when I witnessed that the entire length our street was covered with dark water!! Hur! It was like setting food on a riverbank! Possibly waist to chest-high if I had stood on the pavement.

I retreated, feeling defeated, snorting at that awful joke heaven had sent.

So I'm here on my bed trying to write with candles. I want to get out now! But I'm willing to bet that those stupid fat-headed and pot-bellied city officials won't have a solution immediately. And, tomorrow's too early for the third world. I'm also sure that somewhere nearby, other people are prolly having tougher problems in the face of this typhoon. God, save us all.

sanity. anytime. beybeh.

2009-09-10T22:40:00.004+08:00

Gah.. I know, the title's a futile attempt at humor. I'm desperate. I need it. It's one of those let's-take-a-step-back-and-look-at-your-life moments. It's haunting me yet again. It's the -ber months. 3 months to go before the new year. I'm so anxious. It scares me that maybe this same day next year, I'd still feel stuck and unable to embarace life's supposed inexhaustible possibilities for bliss; that I'd feel like I haven't achieved anything substantial; or that I'd still feel like some outsider to the world.

Maybe I haven't done enough to really forget everything about my bitter and sordid past. Yuck. If I trully sum it up, it won't even amount to a 5-minute movie teaser really. What does it take to really really embrace all pain and really move forward? And I think it's not only the past. What is it now that keeps me from celebrating all thing?

Sometimes, I'm too angry that I forget what I'm angry about. And that's what's really funny I guess about this .

we're writing again- about the same things, again.

2009-06-05T01:09:00.002+08:00

Can't sleep. Err, yet again. And this precipituous inclination to despair is in the air once more- after what could be a long and unabated (possibly) zest for post-school life. Heh, that bit over a year certainly had my head going the right way, I guess. I actually felt good. I wasn't exactly doing the same thing everyday for the last year, learning curve was challenging, and I find work (people, etc) quite tolerable and even fun, occasionally. That's prolly the longest time for A Clean, Well-lighted Place after that generally dreary and pointless college life. Point is, we're possibly on a journey yet again that'd retell how I came of out of sappy ego-diminishing sentimentalities back in the hay days.

Well, I want to believe that this schmaltziness should be some form of blessing. I've forgotten how I came to resolve all those puerile conundrums on life's "supposedly" evident (nauseating) aimlessness. this is a chance to really know that journey again - and write about it, getting me a deeper psychosis of myself. hopefully, it'd get me a better chance to reassess things, esp on whether I'm still game with the choice I made for myself 2 years ago- ah, hazy days... and suddenly a year has passed. Like I'm suddenly awake.

Gah. It's just that sad movie, yeah? And why the hell do I always bother to come off with a vague form of depth. I mean, isn't "vague form of depth" irony, even? Urk. Let's just get back to our venture on getting our value increase in the corporate world, which ceaselessly proves its usefulness and sterility, esp. when it comes to drying off those sappy emotionalities on who we really are, etc. We're just workers in cubicles dammit. money money money and, from time to
time, let's forcefully churn out gaeity from folks at work, friends and family. That's life in the 21st century. Exceptions either die out or infect us with their own version of life. Let's just welcome that wave. let's stop this pointless pseudo-intellectual middle-class ramblings already.

Maybe something fun for next time...

yeah, I think that physical journal I write to everyday is esentially neurotic. I need another medium to show my version of the world, one that makes me feel like I'm really talking to actual people. I know, what pathetic sort of yuppiness have I found myself dragged to.

updates updates...

2008-12-26T14:23:00.002+08:00

Cya cya. Let's pretend I've been actually having a makeshift version of post-school life here, and consider the possibility that I've been preoccupied with the er... more predictable things in life, like keeping a job, resting in those few hours I can, which btw are becoming less and less, and "hanging out" or "chilling"- as one conyo friend (an ideal of sophistication and grace in the third world) would say- with highschool and college buddies, chances would be that I've a lot of reasons to put aside updating this blog. And, it would also mean that I've begun my descent towards banality and a state of dreams slipping away- a moot point I should say, but let's leave that to my next entry. And, more importantly, who cares anyway about this unabashed profusion of self-implicating factoids- a manner of self-aggrandizing if you consider it really. Harharhar!

Let's get on with the real meat of this entry. It's nothing juice- I mean, coming from me, what else would you expect right? Here's a brief summary of everything that's happened after my not-so-brief confinement in unemployed-employed limbo (a frustrating phase in the life of any would-be semi-responsible adult. *ahem ahem*:

1. I finally got the job that I think I can learn a lot from- after an
excruciating, vein-thumping, vomit-inducing and anxiety-causing six month worth
of waiting.
2. A week after getting the job, I got a call from two companies, one of which was my target NGO! The latter had an opening for a what could be a lousy secretarial/ coordinating job. So no.
3. Hosted our division's Christmas party! And they loved it! Well, at least that's what everyone kept telling me for the past few days. I led the organizing committee as well. We had a song and dance number, among other stupid things they made us newbies do. Harhar! And they enjoyed it a lot! And the hosting made everyone laughed- a lot, which gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. And, no, I'm not counting out the fact that this may just be paranoia setting in.
4. Made a lot of new friends in the workplace! Nice people, really.
5. Spotted someone new to obsess about. shyet, Shyet, SHYET! Let's have another one way love affair. But at least I don't obsess about that horror highschool story anymore. We're adults now. We move on. Gawd, I need to say that to out loud just to make sure it happens. Hahahaha!.

And of course, the list includes major spills about some friends:
6. Ken getting on with his month-long trip to Turkey, leaving me and Ka to fend for ourselves and have our now only two-some coffee sessions. Get back here immediately and help me placate her occasional sobbing/hysterical feats!
7. Sha getting a dip in the Ganges, and proving I was wrong in thinking it's polluted through and through.
8. Mariela getting back from Gensan, Japan, and China to Manila for a few days. Luckily, we had lunch to catch up on things in her life as a mgt trainee and mine as a lowly cubicle-bound programmer. She'd be off for Denmark again. Ugh, kaingit.
9. Ka getting a way too younger boyfriend. I thought, finally she have someone to boss around, after her er... rather traumatic and so inappropriate relationship with a way too older boyfriend not so long ago. Go Ka!
10. Finally got a hold of Diane Torres! She's into "events"- err.. don't ask. And She's also a model. That really threw me off. Some people do get prettier in their twenties.
11. Finally bought Christmas gifts for family using my own moolah! It feels great. Harharhar!

the drama continues (in my head of course)

2008-08-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

Sabi nga ni Mr. McLaughlin,

"A life goes by.
Romantic dreams must die.
And I bid mine goodbye..."

And to think just last thursday I watched that stupid X-Files movie with a friend. Something about not giving up, losing it, not surrendering to whatever darkness-hooblah Scully was blabbering about. But I got it. I Knew- whatever the hell they were talking about. Very Gabriel Marcel. A different kind of surrender. A surender that puts a premium on action- not on despair (the film puts some more ellipses on The God Issue, but what the hell). And now, this equally ridic song.

Shet. That's something. That's the universe telling me something crucial.

And the song doesn't end there either. Just like a possible trajectory of my life, the song continues,

"... So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you.
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close."

And ends with,

"We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end.
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close.
So close
And still so far."

Psychotherapy. Anyone?

tell me it's my story

2008-05-24T23:25:00.006+08:00

Fortunately- or unfortunately, depending on my mood- I'm still here wandering among well-trained docile bodies of the work world. I don't find it depressing, but I still flinch at the idea that I'd be doing the same the thing for the rest of my life. And(!) I'm not even at the point of doing actual work err... efficiently,which is practically a tell tale sign of my impending doom (i.e. getting sacked?). I'm giving myself time to adjust, be good at it, and all those sickly sentimentalities on "self-actualization" sold by the corporate world. Anyway, we bitter people should give it a chance. Otherwise, we won't really know whether it sucks or not. And, why not if it gives us a chance to learn something else other than err bitterness, right? I mean, spending half your life on what-could-have-been's, what you can never have/be/etc, among other permutations of despair gets a bit boring after a while, right?

So yes, let's give life a chance, no matter its form. Let's stop moping and leave Hemmingway and Camus for a while. Let's do this! Let's think that the world may actually be about us. As my friend Ken cogently put it (over dinner with Ka yesterday), God loves him and the universe actually talks to him. I mean I can channel that feeling, can't I? Yeah, let's think Paulo Coelho- or maybe leaf through my sister's A Purpose Driven Life. Ooh, Que sera sera... Meh. But really I'm pushing myself, mainly because I want to be independent in all aspects of my life, as much as possible.

Aside from the above-mentioned everyday drama, I think I'm doing well- not, in anyway, financially or career-wise of course. But surprisingly I do manage my expenses efficiently. And, on some obscure chance, I manage to earn new friends and build on my old relationships. Lol! I'm such a sad person. Like I really have to say it! Just yesterday I had dinner at Fat Michael's, which by the by has very good salad and pizza, with Ka and Ken. And last friday, I had dinner with DS shiftees college friends at Bollywood (Indian cuisine!). And everyweek I get to have lunch with one or two other college friends. Ha! And I even volunteered for my Highschool's (Sakya) Alumni Association. Beat that. Besdies that, I have time for books and dibidi's on weekends. And come june or later, maybe I can even get into ACED's volunteer work again on weekends. I guess we can call that life.

arggggh!

2008-05-05T20:26:00.002+08:00

Pressure pressure. I didn't think it will be like this. Give me a year at most. Must stay on track. Give me hope. Shet. Yun lang. Bow.

frustrations, frustrations...

2008-03-31T14:15:00.000+08:00

I bought a book by Stephen Hawking. A Brief History of Time (latest edition) was on sale and I've been wanting to buy it since highschool! Now at chapter 3 I positively feel abysmal and stupid. But this should be good. The last time I felt stupid was on my fourth year in college, those piles of articles/books written and inspired by sad and dead old people for my Philosophy courses. But then some of those readings were translated from foreign languages, which was proably the reason I found them difficult to understand. Most of those dead authors were French, and God knows how awful people translate that language into English. This time, Hawking is positively clear on language. It's just that I don't understand the concepts very clearly, especially space-time. I mean I understand the illustrations but I can't seem to imagine it in the real world!!! And, gulay, this is already a physics book for lay people. Frustrations, frustrations.

success, success come to me! lol!

2008-03-24T21:25:00.000+08:00

After too much bitterness, too much frustration this time. I thought I will go cloud nine after learning I passed the qualifying exam for this company that I really like; that it will inevitably snowball into more endorphins witht the following days. I was wrong. After spending the holy week (third world on suspended animation) grinning thoughtlessly on passing the dream job, withstanding friends suggesting the results could have been mixed up, I snapped out of it. Earlier today a friend who works for that comp told me that 250/2000 people pass the exam and that a series of tests and interviews would follow to really really qualify. Ok I can definitely commit to at least trying to beat everyone for that spot, I thought. But then, I took another exam come afternoon this same day for one of those companies where most people in my university end up. Frustrating, dragging, difficult! Ugh, and with a very slow connection! And with people (fucking interns!) coming in and out of the room spouting- loudly!-factoids about their lives like we should care or something. I finished the test, rode the elevator to make for the exit at the first floor, not without maudlin thoughts on how inadequate I am for people started sinking in. I didn't even enjoy the free send-off dinner for graudates later that night. I forced myself to deal with people and smile that night. And then I went to the loo and looked at the mirror. And there, right at that moment, I behold the ugly aging primate without anything good to offer the world! Bad thoughts. On the train home I was still brooding about them. Somebody should've slapped me in the face instead and wake me up. That could have been more pleasant than feeling, yet again, bad about myself.

Problem is I never felt like I did something really worth telling other people for the past 5 years. No kidding. I never felt I achieved something that I or people I love could be proud of. Ugh, middle class drama and all, I know. But I just want that feeling (again, after God knows how many years) that makes me feel good about myself. I realize that I'm shallow and there seems to be no escape from it. Foucault, where art thou? Get me out of this panopticon! lol! But really, I think I will always have these thoughts about myself and how I figure in the world, no matter how much I intellectualize about these things.

I knew spending too much time harping how much I had been the underdog will have its evil repercussions. But I can definitely remain vigilant- more than petulant I hope- under these circumstances; to count my blessings, hope for the best, and all that jazz. In fact, I already feel quite better just writing about them. Haaaaaaay. Breathe.

night out with "friends"

2008-03-13T21:56:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night, I went out with a throng of highschool uhm.. friends? A batchmate flew in from China and was bound for Davao in a few days. He just arrived yesterday at 4 in the morning and had been on the road, perhaps, uhm gamboling with his cronies and minions among my highschool batchmates after arriving. And boy, he had been one of those semi-cool kids and semi-bully back in highschool. Ugh, highschool memories bring so much bitterness. Bitterness abounds specially with those people! But I digress... So he invited Karah, who's my best pal among hs peeps these days, on a dinner with a couple of other more batchmates. He missed her, the batch, and what-have-you's. And Ka's supposed to invite me, since he said "we" should come. And we, in Ka's world means Ken, me, Nes, et. al. (cliques and factions and all those corns you can think of. Think stupid people in stupid highschool days.) I thought why not? A chance to catch up, update my social skills, escape impending boredom in front of the tv, yadda yadda yadda. So I decided to go.

And, ha! Mind you, back in highschool I facied myself the outcast or the reluctant but compassionate sociopath. I had a sort of clique, yes but I loathed some and more outside that ridic group. And you're right, that disgust was not in any way one-sided. And Ka et. al, well let's just say they were the popular kids back in highschool, friends with all kinds of circles, bridging the social divides and what-not's. Ha! We had all that despite being a tad less than a hundred. And social-climbing had never been more complex!

Fine! I was bullied heavily you wouldn't have a clue. And no, not only by a couple or a group of peeps! *breathes in, breathes out* Lol! And I bullied back. And no they didn't like it. I didn't like them. Anyway, back to the topic:

Davao dude picked us up at Ka's, using his rich crony's nice car. Dinner time. eat eat eat. Plastered plastered smile, forcing myself to believe that this would turn out to be a good night. talk talk talk. Mantra of the night: fuck off bitter self, enjoy the night. And I did. I managed to sort of take charge of the conversations. There were only five of us that dinner time so it was relatively easy. But oh no, they texted texted some more people. By the time we transferred to Mocha Blends there were already 14 of us nicely not talking to each other over coffee (See I wasn't alone!). At some point, we divided into 2 groups. Luckily I got into the almost likeable people. At some point we were actually having quite a normal, tolerable conversation- fine, a good conversation, almost genuinely enjoyable. And to my surprise I didn't regret the night. I was exhausted, yes, in putting up with those other people.

But, I won't hold back here. And luckily most of my hs batchmates don't read a lot of online stuff. If I had the chance back then to get my revenge without being butchered, shot, etc, these would them:

To J., M., D.
Fat people go to hell. Okay maybe not. There's only been one time in my life when a fat person had been kind to me. And you three! Someday I'll suck all your fats out and drown you three in it! You would be too stupid you won't even notice me slicing your skin and sucking your fats. I never did anything bad to you but you were always there to humiliate me!

To O.
You fucking fairy! You backstabbing scrawny fairy! We backed you up when you had that big problem. And you fucking humiliated us at our back in front of your new college friends. You fucking hurt us you know. We had been very good friends. But oh ho! You had to announce that you always feel forced to hang out with us, like it's something that you owe us! You had to announce it to other people and later in front of us, like some fucking sort of press conference! We thought we were supposed to be real friends. You know that that little press conference of yours would hurt us. But you did it anyway. Why didn't you just drift away eh and not hang out? But I guess you're too dramatic and theatrical for that yes? You're a fraud and you know it. Stop playing the victim!

To Mr. M.
Get a nose job, it's too big you can even smell my lying compliments for you. And please stop being nice or composed in front of me. It doesn't suit you. I let it pass, you know, those snide remarks and all too-dramatic tirades you had to do whenever you were no in the mood (whenever our fucking stupid "clique" would dine out). And no, A, I do forgive but I never forget. Never. J. et al may have told you things but you have nothing to do with me, you weren't the one I wronged. So get your nose job and stop pretending you want to talk to me. It makes us both sick.

Omg. I've never felt such release! I know I'd be sorry for this someday. And I never explode like this in person- and never had that chance to do this in front to them. Ugh. I hate bitterness and by God I hope to forgive people someday. But those memories are just too strong. And, promise, in moments of absolute necessity, in moments when I have to engage them in any conversation, I try to be as civil as much as possible. I even try (more like force myself) to like them. God, help me forgive.

decision week

2008-03-11T00:41:00.002+08:00

This is decision week. I have to extend deadlines for my decisions to wait for one or two other prospects. In a matter of days I should decide. And, trouble is I'm not particularly the most in-demand unemployed person as of the moment and there's no way they would wait for me indefinitely. Uck. Let me tell you, to say that this is frustrating is an understatement. It's leaps beyond post-highschool-pre-college limbo of choosing between universities. Back then, I didn't particularly weigh the pro's and con's (but of course I was biased against getting into that ridic school along Taft. Lol!). I was in a way tricked into buying that reservation fee for slot (BS MIS batch 2006). In those moments of weakness and confusion, I got tricked into riding on my highschool friend and his mother's infectious zeal to get into that good university. The fates arranged it for me, I thought. And boy do I not believe in fates these days. I mean it's all good to believe in some sort of providence but I just can't believe that this providence is very genocidal and picky- I mean look at those children sold to prostitution, did some ridic universal and fucked-up force planned on it? Ugh, why do I always get into discussing theology in a categorically unrelated issue... Point is I'm confused and I just hope to get into something I can be good at and with which I can affect other people positively. Ha! At least I'm sure that I can get hired. That's quite a comforting thought for minute ego. And no, I'm no atheist.

Speaking of comforting egos. I had quite a pursposeful weekend. I attended this Youth Vote 2010 event at the Asian Institute of Management, which to our surprise was just behind Greenbelt 1. Youth Vote 2010 was organized by Young Public Servants (under a certain NGO). It was first among a series of forums conducted with various young "leaders" and 2010 presedentiables. I though it was very timely considering recent charges of corruption and people power stalemates. First thing that came into my my was how would presedentiable accomodate public scrutiny of fund allocation special for national projects- and then the pork barrel, etc, etc. I thought people my age would prefer this sort of institutionalized reforms rather than jump into the bandwagon of mob rule and intimidation (but of course I do want the president to resign). I thought such a sign of maturing democracy in this country. We were grouped into different breakout sessions with different issues to discuss (i.e. education, good governance, peace and security, employment, poverty alleviation). At the end of those sessions, we came up with 3 questions about the issue assigned to us to ask the presidentiables. Etc, etc, etc. It was fun despite not getting ot talk to a real presidentiable. Some mini-celebs in the event: 90's has-been Jaime Garchitorena, Youth rep./host/he's-everywhere Bam Aquino, Sen. Kiko Pangilinan, Berty Lim (some business person implicated(? lol!) by Lozada). I also met students leaders from other universities. Booze and bands at the end of the program.

an attempt at sisyphus

2008-03-10T05:06:00.002+08:00

Rurok?
Nagbabadyang hangin.
Nagdurugong puso.

Lamig.
Kapit na bibitiw.
Dilim na babalot.

Dam'hin.
Diwang sumisigaw.
Ulang bumubuhos.

Kapit.
Higpit na 'di 'tanto.
Lakas? 'di siguro.

alone

2008-02-03T01:29:00.000+08:00

I remember something about last week. I was out everyday looking for a job. My schedule was, usually, interviews or tests in the morning then school in the afternoon for the job fair. And that wasn't an easy task. Most of my tests and interviews were in Makati. I had to ride two trains from Makati to school and vise versa, and a lot of walking. I remember dining at various restaurants and usually fast food chains alone. That what really struck me more than the tons of walking I had to do. I didn't exactly feel alone or lonely in the first couple of times I did it. But on the third day that I had to eat alone, it occured to me that I Am Alone and lonely.

It was this one time, friday and a few minutes before dinner time that I decided to placate my grumbling stomach. I was sitting at a corner of a McDonald's branch at a mall arranging my orders, then I notice that everyone had someone with them. I front of me was a couple happily chatting their plans for the weekend while chidding their two kids, a boy and a girl who couldn't stop playing with their fries. Immediately to my left were a group of people who are probably in their sixties, talking about a common friend, happily excahnging their opinions about him/her.

I sat on a table with four chairs and twice did someone asked for the vacant chairs. I felt so alone. A group of noisy highschool girls borrowed the second chair and I watched two of them took that chair away to their noisy group, they really lively and boisterous and quite happy to share each others' company. And then it happened. Something broke into the well guarded mullioned sappyness. I used to reassure myself that I can live on my own, get old on my own, die on my own... the usual misfit's dramarama. But it struck me, have I been planning to starve myself of bliss? I have been all about survival since that stupid lesson on Sarte (at least in my head I'm all about that). Alanis was right, we have to decide between survival and bliss. The vital question is: Is your hope (or motivation in life) about merely clinging on to something dear (and elaborate its complexities so that you can arrive at God) or do you go after happiness and the possibility of it?

where's my torch dear sakyans

2008-02-02T00:41:00.000+08:00

What the hell. I figured to write rather than excruciatingly wait for employment prospects. Yeah, I might not have anything juicy right now but I ought to do something. Yes I'm at a lost again in the job market and almost begging for someone to notice me. Ha! But I won't surrender or despair, nor would I wait for The Meaning of Life to dawn on me. No. For now, I should write... err to ebb off any sense of purposelessness. I should feel like I'm doing something worthwhile- and fortunately writing does take a toll on me.

So since my last update, I had that highschool reunion with fellow Sakyans. It was a blast and I got to meet some old friends. Key word: some. Yes those hollow-skulled big bad high school bullies were there as well. They were fat, pot-bellied and a few were horribly ugly- and probably fathering children. Anyway, the good ones were there as well- who are doing great right now(good business, med school, good careers, etc). I actually wrote an entry about it but it was erased by pc gods. Perhaps I said something appalling about those (now) prissy school administrators who welcomed us so unctuously. I mean they didn't gave us time to hate them at the homecoming, hate inspired by those unbecoming highschool years. Lol! Anyway, we shouldn't dwell on that. So after Jan.14 homecoming, I finally got to fix my thesis grade and clearance in school. And last week I got interviews and I submitted resume to a job fair sponsored by our school. I also applied for social security as well. And just this week, well... one test and a lot of waiting and reading and waiting.

About employment prospects... hmm. Well I definitely failed at least 3 interviews/tests I think. One asked me to write a code on a white board, another was also a programming tests and sudoku puzzles (I know: what the?)- which I by the way didn't finish because the business owner freaked me out and I'm rather nauseous about sudoku (and it was my first time!). The third is the renown p&g exam, which I failed again (after two years since my last try). But I'm not giving up hope one those others, three jobs that I really want.

bear your torch dear sakyans

2008-01-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

God it's been almost 6 years since highschool. I wonder how everybody would look like. Batch 70-something is hosting this sunday's alumni homecoming. I hope a lot from our batch will come. Seriously, a good 3 years ago, I would've been the first person to dismiss this idea. I was odd ball in highschool and I never liked most of my batchmates anyway. Probably my overbearingly friendly friends these days have rubbed off some fo their sociability to me. Things don't look good though, only a handful from our batch have confirmed their attendance. O shit, I don't have a success story. Think Romeo and Michelle! Think Romeo and Michelle! Pressure. I was told that some of my batch mates are earning 30k pesos and up (and that's really something only two years after college in this part of the third world) and to make things worse, some of them have their own businesses already. Ugh. I'm not particulary a let's-go-after-personal-glory type of person, but jeez with this social panopticon I can't help but be stressed about my unemployment. Anyway, I should focus on the good things. Imagine their success stories (those odd geeks now succesful)! Imagine how those cool highschool bullies turn out as fat and ugly dads of one or two children! Lol! (I actually feel bad for some of them... err only slightly. : )

Ooh, and I'm getting a pair of glasses tomorrow. I'm quite excited in taking nerdy look a step further. Whatever. I never thought I would wear eye glasses. I had such perfect vision. I could read everything from top to bottom of that E chart or eye chart (what do they call them anyway). I could even read the smallest of the letters back in the hay day (my God! there's actually such a thing at this age. Scary scary.). Tons of reading and computer hours back in college must have done this. Shit, I should get my student insurance- which pratically no one I know knows!

I'm still looking for a job. I've applied to some but they seem to ignore me. Hmm, must try to work harder. Someone give me a job, please!

alive!

2008-01-11T00:22:00.000+08:00

Kainez! This would be the third time I'm writing this entry. Ugh. This IE version really sucks. I think it's because the Windows XP I borrowed was fake. The freakin' internet browser kept getting errors! Ugh, it's like no one really wants me to write another entry- and boy that doesn't help the fact that I'm particularly lazy at this. Anyway:

Now that's a tad more than a month since my last entry. Dear blog, not that people actually care but we gotta tell our story. Shoot. Surprise, surprise! I've been busy- and a little less sulky about my academic limbo- since the last update. I've been busy ehm... socially. And I've never been particularly and outlandishly gregarious in my entire life. December came with dinners here and there. Birthday parties, christmas dinners, movie outings, and the whole shebang. And yeah, I'm currently on poverty mode, losing cash as the new year arrived. But I'm not actually sulky anymore and that makes a whole lot of difference.

Oh and I spent the new year alone in our apt, uh here in Manila. I stayed here alone and left my parents and aunts and cousins in our other house, a long way north from here. I spent it alone and I was insanely exhuberant about it. December 31 ended with me alone in the apt. TV on. Windows closed and curtains down. Not that I was particulary doing something nasty. I'm too boring for that. I hear that pollution gets 10x worse during new year's eve because of all those firecrackers. And boy, it's beyond evident in this part of manila every new year. You can actually see faint smoke sneaking in underneath the closed door. It was beyond scary this time but I managed to get used to that foul fircracker smell- and locked myself in the bedroom after an hour of exposure. By 2am I was in bed alone drinking my fake wine (carbonated grape juice 'coz I have alcohol allergies). Ominous, I thought. Alone with fake wine and all. But then a few days ago I read that Rats will be lucky this year.

golden compass half-truths

2007-12-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

I was chatting with a friend over Yahoo Messenger and another friend sent me this:

"gm!! Do not watch the movie, "The Golden Compass." The movie "The Golden Compass" starring Nicole Kidman is coming to theaters December 7th. It is based on the trilogy of books by atheist Phillip Pullman, of England, and is geared towards kids. He wants kids to denounce God and Heaven but he does it in a very subtle way that parents may not pick up on what his true intentions are. In a 2003 interview, Pullman said, "My books are about killing God." Please don't take your kids to see this movie!! Send this to EVERYONE you know!!! We need to get the word out about this movie and make sure that no one supports it!!!You'll be shocked, I'm sure. His beliefs are "dumbed-down" in such a way that even adults might not realize the deception before them,-gm"

You creepy fundamentalist Christian groups! It's as if imagination is banned in churches; and that discourse with the powers-that-be in established religion is wrong. Whoever composed this message seriously hasn't read the books. And yes it is true that the books eventually lead to killing god (remember, a merely as a character in a fiction!!!), but they aren't about saying religion is false. Don't they see that this movie can finally start an era for common people to engage religion? To ask what they should recognize as existing beyond this world? To really start a dialogue with dogmas various religions have fed us? I seriously have problems with these fundamentalist Christians. Urrgh. Don't they see that this movie (with the trilogy His Dark Materials) opens a chance for a more enlightened outloook in life for both believers and non-believers?!

rebels in makati... again.

2007-12-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

They're at it again. I swear I didn't vote for Mr. Trillanes because I knew something like that would happen. And, ladies and gentlemen, this time it's another luxury hotel. It's the Manila Peninsula after Oakwood 3 years ago. I swear I was laughing my heart out when that CNN newscaster said in passing, while reporting about the Makati "siege", that "these guys sure like to get comfortable". Well, it seems like that. I mean, why hotels right? I don't get it. If he wanted to get a proper press conference, why didn't he do it in prison. That would sure look more romantic- perhaps heroic. Sure, we don't like the Mole of Asia but I really feel like people are tired after 3 Edsa's. So Mr. Trillanes, and to that other general who had been involved in other coup attempts in the past, you failed- and will fail I think in calling for people to support your agenda. Or perhaps we need more saintly personalities to lead us to the streets...

And the media. The media! They're at it again, glorifying their role in the country's democracy. Sure we monkeys know things because of them but sometimes, yes sometimes, they get to be the ones inciting anarchy or suicide, in the case of that well and wrongly publicized supposedly suicide case in Davao. And, ABS-CBN seems too fond of romanticizing their job, that "they were just doing their job to get the truth"; that they shouldn't have been arrested, etc. Whatever. Although true, it's not like the arrest of those mediamen was in anyway tantamount to tyranny or martial law. And boy do they convey such maudlin sentiments over the television... Perhaps, Maria Ressa missed a lot on Marcos real martial law.

almost in "the real world"

2007-11-22T03:02:00.000+08:00

Okay. That was a bit more than two months of no blogging. And lots have happened since my last update: the ZTE scandal, Erap getting the executive clemency, the Glorietta explosion, bombing of the house of representative, etc... Yes, it sucks that despite all those creeping, seemingly vast and encompassing events (if you're a Pinoy), I find myself detached, trapped in this middle class drama of finding my way in the world (i.e. my life as of the moment). I mean the gore, the politics, the deaths and suffering. And that doesn't even in anyway paint the bigger picture- if there's even such a thing. It seems unfair. Anyway, I guess we've no choice but mark our own place in this bleak and random universe, maybe necessarily oblivious to all those things in the background. There's no 'The Story' afterall. Anyway.

I was actually hoping to get my thesis done before making another entry. That way, I thought, I could finally bash the school and its stupid teachers. Maybe a few, especially those entirely inisipid and self-absorbed ones. Nah. Just kidding. I even worship a few of them actually. Maybe a couple of jesuits and a teacher. Lol. Truth be told, I will miss that school, despite all those years distancing myself from its image (and you won't believe the amount of elitism and vain glory its students attach to themselves). Sure, I have not done my best most of the time, I may have spent months and months brooding about how college had been unbecoming of me, I may have spent most of the time procrastinating because of fucked-up courses and uninspiring teachers, but I really really learned a lot. So. Right. I will miss it. Okay, that's entirely right. Technically I'm still not done because of that thesis (yes, it's "that thesis" from now on because I've spent tons of energies writing it and it's still not sufficient, I just want to compile it and give it to ACED).

Yeah, there's no point in this entry afterall. Nothing has marked any "next page", "next chapter", or next-whatnot in my life. Not that I'm complaining or ungrateful but I'm still in this semi-limbo, excited and terrified in ending my college life, afraid that I might not like what I have planned for myself. This awful sense of foreboding and finality is flooding my nerves. Uck. Luckily, there's still some things to look forward to. One of those is The Golden Compass. lol. I've reread the book last week. I'm on Subtle Knife right now. The movie should live up to Pullman's talent. Damn New Line. I heard the director was forced to remove those anti-religious overtones...

urbanidad?!

2007-09-18T01:26:00.001+08:00

Someone fainted inside the train on my way to school. Her eyes remained wide open after falling. It was freaky. Her knees bucked, her face livid. Luckily a large man catched her, right before her head hit the train floor. I hope she's doing ok. I was too busy studying for an exam I didn't notice anything until the girl beside me gasp.

Then I forgot about it for ten hours until now. Ten hours dedicated to the world of stupid exams, of pestilential professors, of my inexhaustible imagination for drama and tragedy- about myself of course... The ten hours that dwell on my measly personable version of the world. Such is life. It stares at you in the face and you forget about it right away.

about the golden compass

2007-08-18T13:20:00.000+08:00

I feel like an original fan. I swear, until recently when the hype for Golden Compass movie has reached the airwave, television, etc, etc, it wasn't popular at all here in the Philippines. I read the book like five or six years years ago, and I was astounded as to why oh why Harry Potter remained more talked about than Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series, which includes The Golden Compass or Northern Lights as its first book. At school for instance, there were only 3 or 5 people who knew the series. Now, it's like everyone knows what's coming up in theaters this December seven. And people are actually reading the books! Not that it's a bad thing really, it's actually good now that I can talk to people about the books. I just feel like like all of them became fans only after New Line Cinema's successful marketing. I became a fan because I looked for the books years ago. I should be given an award or something.

Oh, and I'm a big fan of the books because they narrate this awesome story about growing up, how we approach life and how God figures in all of these. Here's an excerpt from an interview with Philip Pullman by Claudia FitzHerbert which so describes a major theme in the books:

FitzHerbert: "The Authority in 'His Dark Materials' is a force for repression throughout. What do you say to critics who ask where is the good that is done by religion?"

Pulman: "...The interesting - the curious - question is, if people can be helped by something that is palpably not true, is this better than denying the thing that is not true and not being helped? When I say palpably not true I am speaking from my perspective as an atheist. This perspective thing is important: if I compare the tiny amount of things that I know to all the things I don't know, then of course out there in the darkness there may be God. So from that perspective I'm an agnostic. But then, if we imagine being inside a camera coming closer and closer to this tiny pinprick of light - to the things that we do know - then as we come closer the pinprick gets bigger, as things do, until finally it reaches from horizon to horizon and we are standing inside the light. From this perspective - which is all the things I know - we can see quite clearly there is no God, so in that respect I'm an atheist..."

- Source: http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/pullman_08_07.html

what's a "job" on networking?

2007-08-17T12:25:00.000+08:00

It turns out that the company I'm supposed to apply for was about "networking". I don't know the exact terminology for this one, but it's "very scam-able" in the Philippines. lol! I think it's essentially about earning by recruiting people- and you've got to pay to join. I think it's called "pyramiding" in this portion of the third world.

The hr rep was very particular that they were looking for "business partners" not employees. He said this after I mildly berated him over the phone about how he wasn't very good at explaining the kind of job people they're recruiting were suposed to fill. After learning from Ka that the company's about networking, I SMSed the hr rep about how I wasn't interested in such type of "profession" (yes we need those quotation marks). I lied saying that I would be attending another interview for a more clear-cut kind of employment (as a research assistant) later this afternoon instead.

Uck. And that intriguing Senate Inquiries in school later today was cancelled because people wouldn't be in school. Classes have been cancelled for three days already due to storms. I swear, people should stop praying for rain.

priorities

2007-08-17T00:17:00.000+08:00

I can finally write about actual life scenarios now that my self-aggrandizing mode is over. I'll be having a job interview/seminar(?) for some fictitious company. Their hr rep called the other day telling me about how Nikolai, who was a high school batchmate, reffered me to their company. It could possibly spell cash I thought. So I entertained him. He singularly told me that they were an American company, that they distribute imports, and that an orientation would be held on friday (tomorrow). I said I would go, despite my teeming suspicions. What added to this was the nervousness of the rep. He seemed jittery with all those ass-kissing remarks for me. The company's name's something like Synergy1 International. The meeting's supposed to be on 15th floor Octagon Center, Ortigas. Just in case I die tomorrow, the above details some of their modus operandi.

I really hope I won't waste time. I'm wishing this won't be another call center company. Ugh. I dropped attending the Senate Inquiries (something about pertinent issues of the youth today) with Winnie Monsod, Sen. Estrada, Sen. Pangilinan, et al in school tomorrow. I scheduled this would-be-job-offer instead. This should be good.

metaphysical hullabaloo

2007-08-14T01:31:00.000+08:00

Last Wednesday, after having coffee and the usual endless chit-chats with some high school buddies, I decided to write something about outgrowing your best friends. I even wrote something in my journal (the physical one, obviously). It was something like noticing their limits and that, because of these limits, they won't ever understand you. They will remain trap in their own world, defending how they understand things. But I decided otherwise. I decided not to pursue the thought.

I mean, friendship's not supposed to be about who's at your level or whether you understand things in the same way. And, at that, I'm not even questioning this ludicrous notion of how to arrange people in your own version of the world. They may never understand me the way I want them to but it doesn't mean I can't remain believing that they're probably one of the few people who can.

On a related string of thought. I read from another friend's article(?) something about finding beauty/meaning etc in the totality revealed to us. I was like " been there done that" while reading the rest of her entry. It was about her mother, which I thought was very thoughtful and nice, but I utterly disagree with this. I think it's pretense to think that you actually know how everyone fits perfectly well in this totality presented to you; and the way it was written was all semi-poetic, which adds to that drama of finding beauty. But, to be fair, she's in her junior year. I was thinking the same thing when I was her age, I think. I understood Aletheia that way too (or maybe I just didn’t understand what she really meant). But beauty is something else, I guess. It's not about notions of systems or worlds and how what you see fits in that whole. It's mere recognition that something other than yourself is right in front of you, without you trying to define it. It's something that escapes- this to me is beauty.

meanwhile, on the physical plane

2007-08-09T01:32:00.000+08:00

Classes are suspended tomorrow. This only means one thing. It means that students shall efficiently make use of it to further their efforts procrastinating. To me, it means that I'll have more time making a career out of staging a storm-in-a-teacup coup d'etat in Perspectives in Development class 2 (?). It turns out that I'm not the only one who feels the skul-bukol syndrome every time recitation starts. We (I think 7 of us) plan on having a group study before class time and a scripted recitation during class. We can't take it anymore; anyone can just speak up mindlessly despite not having anything read for the class- and this doesn't motivate us to read. Some of us actually want to learn. But of course, we only plan on having a real good discussion during class time. We actually believe in the teacher, really. We're not planning to murder him of course. We're a Christian university after all.

In other news, it's official. My long motivated tendency to label my thesis adviser a bully has sufficiently been substantiated by the rather acerbic combination of tongue-lashing homily about punctuality and shameless cathartic display of disappointment he made hours ago during our thesis advisement session. There we were, with the three of us eyes boring the shiny surface of the conference table while he lambasted the fourth member of our group. Mr. Fourth Member, after barely recovering from the unanticipated vituperation, tried to sound enthusiastic about submitting the next installment for his thesis, but to no avail. Mr. Thesis Adviser, after dismissing excuses on meager improvements since Mr. Fourth member's last submission, asked him to "JUST LEAVE". I swear, I even saw Mr. Thesis Adviser emit a hint of black smoke through his nose. And, I half expected Mr. Fourth Member to just voluntarily keel over and decapitate himself- I mean I would if I was in his place. I was half-wishing the session to end and half-restraining myself to crack a joke to happily conclude round one. But, Mr. Fourth Member had already "walked out" and the ominous black smoke was already gone.

I'd say it was unnecessary, even bordering on the theatrical. I'd even say that it went beyond his habit of deflating students' egos. (And seriously, If you'd permit a bit of drama, I'd say he went from mere ego deflation to really breaking the poor guy's spirit.) It may also be that I'm once again not in tune with the times. Is humiliation the current trend for motivating slackers these days? I must watch more TV.