It really bothers me when a person claims he is part of something bigger than himself. It's puerile and a pure reflection of that desire to make any claims of reality legitimate. "We" in sentence becomes God, making claims sound like realities. Peeps of this kind deserve their own world where it's about We and The Other, a world where people are not individuals but clones. Live in your own world, and celebrate godhood. Ugh, disgusting.
But am I not doing the same thing with my psuedo-intellectual entries? Am I not claiming to be a god by stating "my" reality? I, too, undeniably, have a claim to truths but I don't use these truths to understand myself and other persons. And, what's there to understand anyway? "We", "I"? What are they anyway?
Perhaps my terrible grammar got in the way of what I meant to say. I merely described what I saw. People were too afraid to proclaim truths oppose to or not within the definitive categories truths (I like that!) these gods claim to be such- because going beyond these categories would mean a total overhaul of their entire understanding of their own identities. I aimed at showing this, nothing more. I didn't mean to convey that I was the victim?
I was being sarcastic about socializing in the room, dear. Apparently you were nice enough to believe me- I'm really thankful for that, honestly. Perhaps you were right about my version of socialization being one sided. No, no, no, this is "about" me, right? Yes, I am in the world of you and your people. Isn't that comforting?
Ha, I'm supposed to be studying for IR exam. Thanks for waking me up! Any more violent reactions? I wish to talk to seniors please. I'm glad I'm bothering the gods. And I still prefer to read people's thoughts no matter how "unintellectual" they sound. I see beauty.
"Identity myth" because the author of this blog refuses to partake in the quest for acquiring any sense of certainty when it comes to knowing ourselves, how we figure in the bigger scheme of things, and all the nut crap about purpose and "who we really are". The author hopes that his words allude to this myth, which everybody else is after, whether they know it or not.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
paranoia-inducing socialization
Sociopathy has yet to get a hold of me. Okay, that's fiction. I was supposed to rant about how my usual distant-but-near feeling-for people when I talk get all messed up whenever a friend gets really annoyed at my relentless pursuit of being the joker, until I realized that it would be fruitless. Imagine, these stupid things happening in the realm of friendship- luckily, only on that level.
Meanwhile on the physical plane... nothing. Well, planning is not exactly real is it? It's there above people's heads waiting for actual utilization. Plans, plans, and more plans for papers, for groupworks and projects. Layman's translation: WHAT? That's exactly my state of being right now. Well, "doing something" is very subjective indeed, so I'm quite at a lost to explain things. Okay, not just planning. I quit Chinoy. I thought it was the right thing to do because I wouldn't find any fulfillment in the task- and I'd probably come up with stupid articles anyway. I think my part wasn't any special so my absence wouldn't count. So, no damage there. On to other projects!
A friend's leaving for China. After what seems like a 6-month long hiatus on commmunication between us (I mean, the group (?)), she announced yesterday that she's leaving for China just like that! Isn't that great? There's very few friends and everyone's leaving.
I can't take it. Rant mode from paragraph one: Ugh, it sucks big time, especially when you've invested in friendship- or the mere probability of it. Yeah, I guess I'm the kind of joker who considers something as shallow(?) as that holy. I'm well grounded on such principles. It sucks big time when such connections are rendered trivial. Worse, it ruins my capacity to be comfortable with people, which already takes up a lot of my energies.
I really should understand experience as a gift more than anything else. It takes a lot of courage to do this.
Meanwhile on the physical plane... nothing. Well, planning is not exactly real is it? It's there above people's heads waiting for actual utilization. Plans, plans, and more plans for papers, for groupworks and projects. Layman's translation: WHAT? That's exactly my state of being right now. Well, "doing something" is very subjective indeed, so I'm quite at a lost to explain things. Okay, not just planning. I quit Chinoy. I thought it was the right thing to do because I wouldn't find any fulfillment in the task- and I'd probably come up with stupid articles anyway. I think my part wasn't any special so my absence wouldn't count. So, no damage there. On to other projects!
A friend's leaving for China. After what seems like a 6-month long hiatus on commmunication between us (I mean, the group (?)), she announced yesterday that she's leaving for China just like that! Isn't that great? There's very few friends and everyone's leaving.
I can't take it. Rant mode from paragraph one: Ugh, it sucks big time, especially when you've invested in friendship- or the mere probability of it. Yeah, I guess I'm the kind of joker who considers something as shallow(?) as that holy. I'm well grounded on such principles. It sucks big time when such connections are rendered trivial. Worse, it ruins my capacity to be comfortable with people, which already takes up a lot of my energies.
I really should understand experience as a gift more than anything else. It takes a lot of courage to do this.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
the week that was a month
It’s not exactly new, but the week launched (note: Sunday) by spewing random evils on my study table and computer desktop. A paper, a quiz, and the major report for UN class were lined up. I had to start early Sunday. There were lots of readings piled up, which I couldn’t organize in coherent thought.
Despite being deliberately perplexed throughout the week, there were goodies to be grateful for. I’m not hallucinating people! These are actual experiences and in no way “mere”, which a very qualified term here, psychical realities:
O, rejoice!
1. The tons-of-readings-class (i.e. UN class) concluded (!) yesterday with reports on East Timor, Afghanistan and mock goodbye chitchats with the Teach. A classmate was insisting on drama akin to parting words and what-we-should-improve-on mentoring type of conversations, albeit unsuccessfully. It wouldn’t have been so bad to listen, but I guess the Teach wasn't particularly interested in epitomizing The Panopticon.
I won’t definitely miss the heaps of readings, but the class and the brilliant Teach was worth a doodle in my memories- Uck! That attempt at schmaltz sucks. They were cool.
3. Hello mocha frappuccino! It's been a hell two years of abstinence, according to my psychical calendar, without you. Then I heard about fair trade- finally, something valid to rationalize exorbitant fee for coffee! Bah! I'm still just a student so a draught a month won’t hurt, probably. I had one yesterday, and surprisingly my caffeine-yesterday-depression-today didn’t act up this morning- my hyperacidity did.
4. Idol number 3 talked to me at the stairs of MVP in one on my way to the Caf. We sort of know each other from Immersion during senior year- and I got to hear her sharp yet feeling brilliance then. The chitchat was surreal, and I was blabbering “Is she actually talking to me?” in my head over and over again. It was probably purely perfunctory on her part, but to me it was beyond words. Now, I doubt whether that really happened.
5. I got to know, somehow, a small population of smarties and interesting peeps for the last month. This population is entirely different from the rigid, aloof, and well-lauded whiz kids during MIS days. It’s only now that I get to appreciate genius that makes sense.
...
I have to write something interesting about Evolving Chinese Traditions for Chinoy. Okay, not really. I'm no way the major player to organize everything for this section of the magazine- isn’t it just nice to know that you’re writing for a freshman? And, it's not exactly that I'm passionate about working for a theme I'm not particularly interested in. I'm just tired of the here's-what-Chinese-culture-is-all-about of Chinoy. It's eternal recurrence- a vicious circle if you're a pessimist- that the org “can't” get out of.
But (alas!), this can bring about doodles on issues about the relevance of Chinoys to society at large. This is one of my reasons for liking (?) Celadon’s VMO this year. But, really, mere “what we can do” is not enough. I really think issues not seen up the hill should be discussed- aside from the relevance thing. There’s a need of sophism to validate this point though.
Despite being deliberately perplexed throughout the week, there were goodies to be grateful for. I’m not hallucinating people! These are actual experiences and in no way “mere”, which a very qualified term here, psychical realities:
O, rejoice!
1. The tons-of-readings-class (i.e. UN class) concluded (!) yesterday with reports on East Timor, Afghanistan and mock goodbye chitchats with the Teach. A classmate was insisting on drama akin to parting words and what-we-should-improve-on mentoring type of conversations, albeit unsuccessfully. It wouldn’t have been so bad to listen, but I guess the Teach wasn't particularly interested in epitomizing The Panopticon.
I won’t definitely miss the heaps of readings, but the class and the brilliant Teach was worth a doodle in my memories- Uck! That attempt at schmaltz sucks. They were cool.
3. Hello mocha frappuccino! It's been a hell two years of abstinence, according to my psychical calendar, without you. Then I heard about fair trade- finally, something valid to rationalize exorbitant fee for coffee! Bah! I'm still just a student so a draught a month won’t hurt, probably. I had one yesterday, and surprisingly my caffeine-yesterday-depression-today didn’t act up this morning- my hyperacidity did.
4. Idol number 3 talked to me at the stairs of MVP in one on my way to the Caf. We sort of know each other from Immersion during senior year- and I got to hear her sharp yet feeling brilliance then. The chitchat was surreal, and I was blabbering “Is she actually talking to me?” in my head over and over again. It was probably purely perfunctory on her part, but to me it was beyond words. Now, I doubt whether that really happened.
5. I got to know, somehow, a small population of smarties and interesting peeps for the last month. This population is entirely different from the rigid, aloof, and well-lauded whiz kids during MIS days. It’s only now that I get to appreciate genius that makes sense.
...
I have to write something interesting about Evolving Chinese Traditions for Chinoy. Okay, not really. I'm no way the major player to organize everything for this section of the magazine- isn’t it just nice to know that you’re writing for a freshman? And, it's not exactly that I'm passionate about working for a theme I'm not particularly interested in. I'm just tired of the here's-what-Chinese-culture-is-all-about of Chinoy. It's eternal recurrence- a vicious circle if you're a pessimist- that the org “can't” get out of.
But (alas!), this can bring about doodles on issues about the relevance of Chinoys to society at large. This is one of my reasons for liking (?) Celadon’s VMO this year. But, really, mere “what we can do” is not enough. I really think issues not seen up the hill should be discussed- aside from the relevance thing. There’s a need of sophism to validate this point though.
Monday, August 14, 2006
the new what's what
Vanity doesn't get to me these days. Besides getting used to the usual worked-up face I see in the mirror every morning, the dark area that seems to encroach on both of my cheeks, and the persistent pimples I get everyday, I even don't bother with opinions too much.
I think I'm on my way to complete sociopath-y, if there's even such a word. I only want to get better now, not because of a certain "me" I want to appropriate my identity to, but because I want to do things better; to better my faculties for some purposes other than "being better". The difference gets a bit blurred because identity and action overlap; that by "doing better" necessitates "being better". But if you get to understand this in terms of motivation, there's a big diference.
There's a sense that it's not about some "me" I want to form, it's what I want to do that really matters. It's beyond peculiarity, I know, but it's very real to me.
...
Yes, something as basic as that requires enormous effort on my part to articulate. Why can't I reduce those three paragraphs in one sentence? I've been trying hard this thinking-in-chunks method but I can't seem to manufacture words smarties I know effortlessly write or say.
Once again- and yeah, I need to emphasize this- this frustration comes from the problem of mastery not a problem of identity. To the Foucauldians out there, I'm saying that I love the panopticon because it produces efficiency, not because of its production of categories.
My point: I was dismayed (note: not "hurt") when my essay was edited almost completely because it meant that my skills are not at par to what is good, or that I don't have an extensive range of writing styles.
Or that I procrastinated(!), thereby unleashing the gamut of rationalization strategies I have?
I think I'm on my way to complete sociopath-y, if there's even such a word. I only want to get better now, not because of a certain "me" I want to appropriate my identity to, but because I want to do things better; to better my faculties for some purposes other than "being better". The difference gets a bit blurred because identity and action overlap; that by "doing better" necessitates "being better". But if you get to understand this in terms of motivation, there's a big diference.
There's a sense that it's not about some "me" I want to form, it's what I want to do that really matters. It's beyond peculiarity, I know, but it's very real to me.
...
Yes, something as basic as that requires enormous effort on my part to articulate. Why can't I reduce those three paragraphs in one sentence? I've been trying hard this thinking-in-chunks method but I can't seem to manufacture words smarties I know effortlessly write or say.
Once again- and yeah, I need to emphasize this- this frustration comes from the problem of mastery not a problem of identity. To the Foucauldians out there, I'm saying that I love the panopticon because it produces efficiency, not because of its production of categories.
My point: I was dismayed (note: not "hurt") when my essay was edited almost completely because it meant that my skills are not at par to what is good, or that I don't have an extensive range of writing styles.
Or that I procrastinated(!), thereby unleashing the gamut of rationalization strategies I have?
Sunday, August 06, 2006
classical social dynamics
See here, none of us, who persist through books, Internet and psychical realities, want to think of ourselves as the categorical social retard. To put this rather lightly, I’m the kind of person who’s completely oblivious when it comes to coquetry or any social dynamics of the like. To put it worse, it’s the same phenomenon with mob culture: me in the middle wondering why everyone brands my outlook idiosyncratic while validating his or her own. I’ve long concluded that the world doesn’t make sense. I do. So there, I may call myself socially clueless to get out of the rather bad nuances with the definition “social retard”.
Oh my God! I do sympathize with the victims of war in Mid East. This is not an exclamation. I repeat, this is not an exclamation; I’m declaring an exception. I’m up the hill from time to time but I’m no way indifferent to humanity’s ordeal.
Must switch from serious mode:
Come to think of it, I’m becoming a rather skewed social engineer, well not to the point of actually influencing peeps directly- It’s hard to resist really if they come too easy. The priests up the hill have completely brainwashed me indeed. Being with kids most of the time brings this weird hallucination; I can analyze them because I’m nearly at the fringes and somehow “above” things that make up their reality. Sure, too much fiction ruins your head. I’m actually bordering on hyperbole here but I guess you get my point.
Most of these happenings are ridiculous. Leaving them alone may be best for my nerves. But there are times when people just become too insensitive despite the harm coming out of their mouths. Yes, it’s the same high school dynamics where everyone’s a copy of each other and the little breach of those established borders means ostracism or worse, stigmatization of a category whether recycled or created. Then all hell break loose: the victims suffer, multiple identities try to politicize their relevance for survival while the victors legitimize theirs, and the innocents became repressed themselves while- Okay, let’s cut that short. I’m sounding too unoriginal mouthing otherworldly brains.
Of course, I’m talking about college. The latter’s supposed to describe that anomalous state of being in between the questionable “real world” and “your world”. It’s that buffer space for additional growing-up things where individuality should begin to flourish.
And, it’s all backwards with student orgs’ culture. Fine, I’m talking about losers defining losers defining losers in Celadon. I proclaim hither that I don’t like most peeps there these days; too amateur, too overbearing, too much of fantasy about their identities that I can’t tolerate- anymore. But I still have dear friends there, so I must stay.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about bullying. In college terms, it takes a more sophisticated form than blatant pulling of hairs or gang wars; it doesn’t even come close to blatant ostracism. It becomes a talk on corners type, something that’s happening but you can’t have a grasp of it. With more sophistication, the weaker it is detected by peeps’ consciousness. Evil.
Here’s chismax #1: the creepy guy case. Peeps who have nothing to do with him, peeps he hasn’t “stalked” have been the one exploiting his story and filling in hungry chismakers. My gulay, if they want their own stalkers, they can always get me. What is it for them, anyway? Ask me live and I’ll tell you. Chismax #2: the bitter guy who’s in every project- a relatively new kanto term that refers how irritable people around him is alat. Okay, I get the fact that he gets irritating at times, but why the obsession with regard to it? It’s basically a battle about who’s abnormal between two peeps in a conversation. Peeps must convince their minions to go to their side. It’s human nature that’s why it’s stupid- but it feels very necessary when you get to experience it. So when I advised a complainant about Chismax #2, I wasn’t surprised that he kept vacillating between justifying his hate and acceptance. It was so funny I didn’t even laugh.
Yeah, I’m probably proposing of some unfeeling and neutered society- ha, The Giver type! No, I’m proposing that people should stop stigmatizations because these things become a priori to understanding persons. It’s a real unhealthy habit for the both the sink and the source- and it’s healthy for me because I can make fun of everyone. I’m really for genuine experience of people if you’re after genuine relationships. For politicians though and similar animals, this may not apply. Perhaps because most peeps in Celadon are, in a way, politicians, they manipulate opinions regardless of harm.
Oh my God! I do sympathize with the victims of war in Mid East. This is not an exclamation. I repeat, this is not an exclamation; I’m declaring an exception. I’m up the hill from time to time but I’m no way indifferent to humanity’s ordeal.
Must switch from serious mode:
Come to think of it, I’m becoming a rather skewed social engineer, well not to the point of actually influencing peeps directly- It’s hard to resist really if they come too easy. The priests up the hill have completely brainwashed me indeed. Being with kids most of the time brings this weird hallucination; I can analyze them because I’m nearly at the fringes and somehow “above” things that make up their reality. Sure, too much fiction ruins your head. I’m actually bordering on hyperbole here but I guess you get my point.
Most of these happenings are ridiculous. Leaving them alone may be best for my nerves. But there are times when people just become too insensitive despite the harm coming out of their mouths. Yes, it’s the same high school dynamics where everyone’s a copy of each other and the little breach of those established borders means ostracism or worse, stigmatization of a category whether recycled or created. Then all hell break loose: the victims suffer, multiple identities try to politicize their relevance for survival while the victors legitimize theirs, and the innocents became repressed themselves while- Okay, let’s cut that short. I’m sounding too unoriginal mouthing otherworldly brains.
Of course, I’m talking about college. The latter’s supposed to describe that anomalous state of being in between the questionable “real world” and “your world”. It’s that buffer space for additional growing-up things where individuality should begin to flourish.
And, it’s all backwards with student orgs’ culture. Fine, I’m talking about losers defining losers defining losers in Celadon. I proclaim hither that I don’t like most peeps there these days; too amateur, too overbearing, too much of fantasy about their identities that I can’t tolerate- anymore. But I still have dear friends there, so I must stay.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about bullying. In college terms, it takes a more sophisticated form than blatant pulling of hairs or gang wars; it doesn’t even come close to blatant ostracism. It becomes a talk on corners type, something that’s happening but you can’t have a grasp of it. With more sophistication, the weaker it is detected by peeps’ consciousness. Evil.
Here’s chismax #1: the creepy guy case. Peeps who have nothing to do with him, peeps he hasn’t “stalked” have been the one exploiting his story and filling in hungry chismakers. My gulay, if they want their own stalkers, they can always get me. What is it for them, anyway? Ask me live and I’ll tell you. Chismax #2: the bitter guy who’s in every project- a relatively new kanto term that refers how irritable people around him is alat. Okay, I get the fact that he gets irritating at times, but why the obsession with regard to it? It’s basically a battle about who’s abnormal between two peeps in a conversation. Peeps must convince their minions to go to their side. It’s human nature that’s why it’s stupid- but it feels very necessary when you get to experience it. So when I advised a complainant about Chismax #2, I wasn’t surprised that he kept vacillating between justifying his hate and acceptance. It was so funny I didn’t even laugh.
Yeah, I’m probably proposing of some unfeeling and neutered society- ha, The Giver type! No, I’m proposing that people should stop stigmatizations because these things become a priori to understanding persons. It’s a real unhealthy habit for the both the sink and the source- and it’s healthy for me because I can make fun of everyone. I’m really for genuine experience of people if you’re after genuine relationships. For politicians though and similar animals, this may not apply. Perhaps because most peeps in Celadon are, in a way, politicians, they manipulate opinions regardless of harm.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
walang tulugan
Kuya Germs, ikaw ba yan?
I swear, I've been staring at the monitor for some 2 hours now and I still haven't come up with a proper structure on how to do my synthesis paper for development mgt class. And, I'm apparently wasting time blogging, hoping that something up in my head lights up. I really feel like puking right now.
The teacher was too kind to give us liberty on the paper. It's basically up to us on how to go about it: no guidelines, no precise expection regarding content, not even a how-to-frame-the-cases. What exactly are we to look for or brood about?! I used to have a knack for this, but I lost it apparently to 2 years of excruciating MIS-ing years. I can pretty much blabber about things said in class, but I wouldn't feel original and really articulate. The latter should be a goal. It's enough that I look a total ass speaking my thoughts.
A reflection paper? No, no, no! I don't want to come up with one lame super subjective essay. I want something that really attacks development management issues, which the teacher was too kind not to elaborate.
Uck, still nothing... and this is due tomorrow, no, later!!!
Not only this. I have a quiz and a graded recitation tom. I'm not complaining, I'm reminding myself to plan ahead next time. Ugh.
I was thinking on putting up something smart (i.e. pseudo intellectual) about social dynamics. But I'm not yet done with arraging it and I also have something important to do. I'll have a proper entry by sunday morning.
I swear, I've been staring at the monitor for some 2 hours now and I still haven't come up with a proper structure on how to do my synthesis paper for development mgt class. And, I'm apparently wasting time blogging, hoping that something up in my head lights up. I really feel like puking right now.
The teacher was too kind to give us liberty on the paper. It's basically up to us on how to go about it: no guidelines, no precise expection regarding content, not even a how-to-frame-the-cases. What exactly are we to look for or brood about?! I used to have a knack for this, but I lost it apparently to 2 years of excruciating MIS-ing years. I can pretty much blabber about things said in class, but I wouldn't feel original and really articulate. The latter should be a goal. It's enough that I look a total ass speaking my thoughts.
A reflection paper? No, no, no! I don't want to come up with one lame super subjective essay. I want something that really attacks development management issues, which the teacher was too kind not to elaborate.
Uck, still nothing... and this is due tomorrow, no, later!!!
Not only this. I have a quiz and a graded recitation tom. I'm not complaining, I'm reminding myself to plan ahead next time. Ugh.
I was thinking on putting up something smart (i.e. pseudo intellectual) about social dynamics. But I'm not yet done with arraging it and I also have something important to do. I'll have a proper entry by sunday morning.
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