poisonous christians

It happened yesterday during our Project Management class. She asked me what I am good at, then she gave me the book, An Enemy Called Average. I was rather on the defensive right away. She gave me that familiar feeling again, when I thought I've resolved it.

She prolly meant well like any let's-save-the-world evangelical Christians. But she's also probably a poisonous bitch. Ok. She thinks I'm average or drowning in self-pity. I was infuriated because she may be telling the truth. That depresses me a lot. Got into the usual bouts of self-obsession, the usual questions like am I that useless, etc. I really think I'm not excelling much in anything significant after all. That's prolly why I got on the defensive right away.

Rachel must have suffered my eternal complaints and criticisms against that girl I used to admire.

I mean she's Christian. And she must really feel special being such. I used to have that. I used to feel important and have the world somehow figured out. And I get all that psyching-up that we're all unworthy, worthless, etc but because of grace we're suddenly living meaningful lives.

But that's not the only way to see one's life. I think the path I've chosen is good too. I just need some convincing that I will be great on it, that life will be meaningful too. I should never begin my path in some abstraction, some ignorant and highly abstracted principles or dogmas. I should begin with "lived" reality. And she's definitely working on abstractions on purpose and measures of greatness.

Perhaps those two things bother me. She reminds me of the former and I think I'm still insufficient to pursue the latter. I need some serious discernment. I guess I have Rory to thank for that. I really don't buy these Christian authors.

Maybe her purpose of lending me the book was not to point out my being average on an objective point of view; but being not good on my own terms. Maybe it was motivation for excellence not based on any imposed standards, but based on what I feel I could do to feel that I'm at my best. I think we all need that introspection.

Whatever. Not important.

...

I still don't know what to write in my Philo logbook, let alone on that 15-page paper which will only be based on a four-hour activity! It's ridiculous.

GMA's 10 cabinet members have resigned. They are also convincing her to resign. Still don't know how to assess this but I agree on the resignation part.