almost awake

I just came back from immersion actually- I still have that notion that what how we see things and how we value stuff are all useless. If you've really seen poverty, you will curse the world for its apathy. We're here in the painted world of what life is. Look at it again! it is but a painting after all. You think its about you dreams- self realization or whatever you wanna call it? Think again brother! Look at them in the eye and you realize how sinful you've become! We've reduced them to be apart of the stench of the city- the sewers, the dirt. Look at the world! Look at it! You'll be surprised how shollow you've become!

Watch a couple of american coming of age movies and you'll know what I mean. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! We're missing a lot. We're missing share in this responsibility! We are missing the fact that we're on the zenith of civilization only because we're at the top of a heap of corpses. Freak! Heartache?! You don't know anything about it? Stop your useless musings over stuff of your own imagination! You are not looking very closely!

I'm not reducing the world to such reality. I need it to slap people awake of their reverie. There's no God out there people! Wake up! See the eyes of the oppressed and preserve that picture in your head. I will do just that. I won't forget. I promise.

...

It's not an inspired doodle I know; I want it to be bare- to be as dumb as how people convinces themselves about the reality of the picture they paint for themselves. I'm really not the emotional type, especially when writing, but I get to feel the same intensity of truth- I don't have another word for it- articulating this experience of the poor. I admire those fellow students who were eloquent enough to grasp this truth. I listened carefully to every words you uttered.

I'm afraid, though, that this one would be another promise not kept- joining the hundred of others I never have kept. Words are cheap unless played out- and I'm not so good at that! It has to do with freedom- but this is not about my volition but the orientation I want to take. Teach said that this is where grace comes into play- and I see some truth to this in my own experience. So, please grant me the strength- if my will to go this path is but vanity of my own becoming, show me where should I go. Please.