It's a long weekend and it's supposed to be a good one. You get to do lots of important stuff like catching up with the times, the books you've been wanting to read, readings to get done with, org stuff, blah blah blah. Hell, I didn't get to do all those stuff! I devolved again to my indolent self- I was the perfect embodiment of sloth! I'm not exagerating at all. I didn't go to the org bazaar, didn't attend my afternoon tutoring session. It was my plan to stay focused this last sem, and I'm totally disgusted with how I spent the weekend. I'm not expecting the best grades, I just want to really get the most out of my courses this last sem. Thank God tomorrow's a holiday, I can certainly catch up.
There's nothing earth-shaking to inspire me writing about stuff lately. I think I'm too comfortable with how things are. I don't mean to say that I don't have issues but I seem to have thought about how to deal with them. In this way, I think there's comfort. Knowing how things are and illusions about how I should deal with stuff lead me to this comfortable state. I seem to think that I have the answers to everything- nothing really bothers me big time. I don't know whether to be thankful or to be agitated.
Expanding those answers seems quite improbable already. Solutions that frame those big questions seems to be too brilliant for me to transcend them. All I can do is to affirm them, and kowtow to those exceptional minds that created them. I know such concern is but a concern of the self. If only I could genuinely look outside myself and see that things should change. This is perhaps the greatest problem of introverts.
Certainly, I'm talking about what's happening in my head. It's fairly well exhibited that I'm in the level of struggle when it comes to action. However my actions only deals with the realization I have for myself. Nothing really reaches out for the world. Actions may seem external, but it's still all about myself. I think what I mentioned about the dealings of my mind- that of internal organization rather than looking outward- frames this problem I have.
Thankfully enough, classes I've had offer radical stuff- well most of them anyway. In a way there's a tinge of being outward. Unfortunately, however, I didn't really learn new things. I can definitely be well-versed in those questions I've had since childhood, but ask me new issues and I promise I'd look like an idiot. Some stuff I've learned deepened how I understand things but it didn't expand my concerns very well. I know I've changed a lot but it's still not enough to get out of myself. I hope I'm getting there.
Oh no I'm not wishing for something earth-shaking to happen in my life. I'm wishing to have the same sort of mind that criticizes everything it sets its energy upon. Okay, that was a wierd way of putting it. I don't want to be a worshipper of geniuses, I want to be a genuine thinker- not an absolute introvert but a... uhm something else. Heh!
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About last friday. We had our grad pic. I was desperately in need of company then. It's wierd that I didn't feel wierded out at all with all those peeps. I barely knew anyone- I mean being real good friends with them- and I didn't feel isolated. Luckily I spotted some course-mates to hang around with. My rather unusual convivial tendencies kicked in- and I swear they were either annoyed or surprised. I can't believe I was there with peeps I'm not really close to. It was fun nonetheless.
Readings are already pillinguo so I better start right away. Ciao!
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