there's no escaping it

There's really no avoiding it, I'm definitely twenty one years old. I was rather stunned seeing the clock strike 1230 early this morning. I was over my my jap notes then reviewing for the mid term later, then it struck me; my God, I'm twenty one! Like you all kiddies out there, I'm not too excited about entering real maturity. I don't think I'm cut and dry for seriousness. But I guess I have no choice- and this doesn't mean I would have to give up some of my greatest seemingly unattainable goals right? So there's still some "fun" to cling on to. Perhaps I wouldn't find myself in some serious quagmire. If that eventually happen, I wish I would be so prepared. Yes, it's the anxiety about post graduation stuff. I don't think I'm totally prepared to live my own life- I want to but I think I have to do some more major patching up in my life. It's really a comfort to hear similar sentiments among seniors- and the idea that we're not that totally clueless like some 2 or 3 years ago.

My seat mate in philo alarmed me that there's only 6 more grueling weak before grad. I couldn't think of any reply, so I uttered some unintelligible rubbish- thinking she's really confident that everything would end okay. Well, she definiitely has something to lookforward to; she's an A student; and seem really intelligent. I'm not so much into wanting some academic merits- or any kind of merits whatsoever, though it wouldn't hurt to get one right?- of my own; I just want to know what exactly I want to do for the rest of my life. I have some clues as to what that is but I'm not 100% sure that it's what I want. Ugh, too complicated! It seems fairly easy to understand at first glance- and too common- but it's really like placid water beneath which you don't know what lies. It's a problem and I don't want to get into hasty solutions but I guess I would have to really immerse myself to the "real world". Ugh, sappy I know; I hate it.

Ha! It's probably listening too much of Alanis's that puts me in this mood. I really really like her! It seems that every words in her songs always have that indescribable depth you found in 1 in a thousand artists! And not only that! I seem to have that wierd resonance- forgive the word- with the words. I mean I actually understand- as in I know because I've experieced some of the words. Wierd, right? That's what your 21st birthday do to you! Hehe! Anyway, here's one of my faves today. It's from the movie Dogma. It doesn't have the usual element of baffling poetry but it's still cool. It's a bit... uhm profound? Still, Alanis rocks!

...
Still
Alanis Morissette
The Dogma Soundtrack

I am the harm that you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I am your immaturity and your indignance
I am your misfits and your praises
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rapeI am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art I am your bytes
I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
And I love you still

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
And I love you still
...

The lyrics alone doesn't work that solemn thing into you after listening to it- it's almost like praying. I guess you would have to download it to really listen and get that mystifying effect. Wierd me. And I don't think she's being sarcastic- which she usally is in her old songs- in this song.

Today's entry's title's really apt for both sentiments. Happy birthday to me!