"What is it that really makes sense? What is it that you really want to do? What is it that you hold on to that makes you persist? Why don't you just kill yourself i you think nothing makes sense because we'll all die anyway?!"
I was rendered mute after these last words slipped my mouth yesterday. I was half-chastising myself for allowing Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or whoever, to possess my body. It wasn't me at all- well, at least these days. I'm usually the one to right away jump on people to make them feel guilty, or lost about how right they are about their lives. But something about awful rain and coffee- or the smell of it- got me to this kind of mood. I mean, we were in the middle of Makati (!) and I was making such stupendously superfluous existential mumbo jumbo!
There was something about how confused Nes was about what she really wants out of her career. Obscure criticisms, which I make sure people forget afterwards, didn't come out! Instead, It was that voice I've long not used in everyday conversations. I stopped after 3 paragraphs of obscurity, knowing full well that I was talking about myself and not about their work. Clearly, I could've had used that same amount of brain power the day before for my paper, which I awfully rushed!
Reserve, dear. That's what I need. Philosophy can't be something over coffee! It was cheap and downright sophistic! It was presumptuous on my part to think, or even welcome the idea, that they knew how it is to live what I was talking about. I was wrong to believe that they knew my life very well, even if they are my closest friends!
Heh, it could've had gone worse, I guess. I was merely giving them questions to ask themselves and not some genuine Dr. Phil psychoanalysis. It's true that unless what I said was lived, they would remain the same obscure generalities about life and the world. But I guess the questions I threw at them weren't pure rubbish- well, I hope at least.
The "coffee session"- because we didn't really have coffee- came after some dinner and The Devil Wears Prada. Meryl Streep nailed the boss-from-hell character! The story was commonplace but its entire delivery gave it a new level of significance. I think there was something about the movie that led us to talk about career and future plans, which ultimately led us to the "coffee session".
Finally, a real weekend. I used up all my cuts for my saturday class- hell, I didn't wake up at seven because I was too tired and had no sleep from thursday to friday. Excuses, I know. Ugh this sucks. Anyway, a new entry at last after what seemed like a month. It's not about protesting some people who build their own kingdoms this time. Like this this groupmate who- nevermind. I'm trying to be so Zen these days that bugs like them don't seem to itch.
1 comment:
Hahah. Those who can only see it through the steam rising from their coffee mugs obviously have smoke in their eyes for a lot of different reasons. I'm glad that you're living out your philosophy, but even though I can teach Foucault to a monkey, sometimes the most I feel I can do to live it out is not to get pissed off at people all the time. You know what I mean?
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