mullioned musings
I would have to be in my PM class two hours from now. I thought amassing my thoughts about the entire week into some creative lines would be great. I have been so un-hypocritical lately that people who'd been with me this week would probably be bored reading this. To those people whom I've been nice to, please read- please forgive me afterwards.
So much for "ooh I am writing something drastic!"- not a chance! Wahahaha! I would still doodle in my own foxy way. This is the right way. Yes, this is the right way- my mantra for blogging. Oh no, not that something completely out of place occured, it's just my thoughts that seem to shake my usual steadfast plastered smiles- and it's not just the smiles. So, indeed, I need this.
That's two paragraphs of introduction! What am I turning into. Please tell. This is absolute vanity. Warning!
It really pains me whenever I sense the slightest condescension on any people, especially to myself. My gulay, people too obsessed with encomiums for themselves may even be absolutely unconscious whenever they do this. The slightest air and I'm irritated- even to the point where I want to pluck their eyes out. Oh yes! I've been with such people lately. Don't get me wrong, they'ra a nice bunch, it's just that they have this way of turning you into an ant. Hope I can learn that in transfiguration class- curtesy of Mrs. Coulter. You know who you are! And I hate it- not you- when you make me feel like an ant. Get things straight and it would be better! I promise.
Or maybe it's just me? Probably not. Delusions seem to elude me these days. Whatever.
Second musing. It's not that I hate you but that you just don't communicate humanely? Ok, this one's a give away. Why the hell would cellphones have foul mouths? It's totally not necessary. You shoo away people then you wonder why they seem to hate you. It's the absolute opposite. Ugh! This is pubiscent. I am patient when it comes to friendship but smiling the next day usually freaks me out. Especially a grin- a horrendous one. Don't comment! You are not welcome! Oh and don't for a second think that the entire world needs you! That people beg for some favors from you! That you are being used or whatever.
It just gets too strong sometimes- that same anxiety I had back in high school. The same search for a comfortable place- which I used to despise. That perhaps not going there would've made me stronger. I "was" used to this kind of isolation but then I realize that the other way around is the only real way. *please read between the lines* I got that when I got out of high school- that was why I had a hard time moving on during the first 2 years of college. Now, I have it too but somehow I feel that I've built it too late. I'm off to a new road in a few months. I'm still thankful though.
Fourth. Maybe it's just me but I really think it's hard to find peeps you can really talk to- especially in this school. I know it takes time for bonds to ge strong- and really felt- but it just seems to impossible no matter how I try to reach out. I may be a part time intovert but I try. And I'm beginning to get tired. I don't feel isolation anymore, it's just that they have many walls around them and I can't climb high walls! So there I just look and see most of them "talk" to each other. Maybe 20 does something to everyone. The masks have been there for so long that they have a hard time taking it off. I mean it's them anyway. But... oh well.
My dream's so hard to fulfill that I'm stuck with my first step. Must move forward! Someone help me with this please!
...
I got my picture for the yearbook at last! And I was happy to see that the samurai poses- something un-me finally! As usual, the pictures were bad. By the way, I've never pulled off a nice pose or smile in my pictures. It's always my stunned/constipated face that registers however hard I try to look collected and happy. Ugh, anyway, I have to choose a formal and a creative pose for the yearbook.
Philo class was super this afternoon. I swear! I can listen to him non-stop for 4 whole hours! Sir David talked about how power shapes/control individuals, that we are in prison ultimately because we think we should behave, think, etc, etc, in certain ways prescribed by the powers that be. That's why psychology- as in the science- seems so powerful. It determines what should be. Anyway, hearing him talk about everything else is way more profound that summarizing major points in these gaudy lines...
Got to watch Shrek 2 and Shall We Dance finally- thanks to Andz. Shrek was hillarious- especially Puss in boots and the Pinocchio! Shall we ance reminds of myself! Wahahaha! I so get the point of trying something that makes you alive again. Okay enough with cheesiness.
Oh! I need some drastic thing to do with how how I look before graduation. I'm thinking about coloring my hair white. Imagine that! Can you give me other possible changes?
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Eric thought he has found what he's looking for (like the U2 song. lol!). These days, he's not even sure whether he's actually looking for something. And, he's tired of riding on other people's dreams, assuming purposeful identities. He figures life's not about how we think we figure in the "larger scheme of things" (thus, "The Identity Myth"). Rather, it's about finding what compels and weighs us down to live another day, and pursuing just that. He chronicles various life happenings alluding to the identity myth, because in the end he recognizes that obsessing about it is inevitable, and human (and sometimes pathetic and shallow).
Oh, he's undecided between survival and bliss (like the Alanis song). And his favourite pastime is to fluctuate between despair and hope.