together yet separate

It's quite ironic that you get a pang of separation once you picture in your head how you are situated in the world. It doesn't happen often now, probably because I am incessantly inundated with concerns of the world. It would be proper to be glad about it, but I feel otherwise.

That's perhaps the reason why I rationalize too much the inanities in my life. Maybe I'm trying to run away from the real world by trivializing it. Perhaps viewing everything as something separate from myself would help me fool myself and hide what I really feel. And it sucks big time.

I wouldn't say it was about the damned exam or being the only person without a group yet, or chemical imbalance from the tons of chocolates I ate yesterday. No. Although I can say that these things forced me have same withdrawal time and again, that pubescent anxiety.

I am. Together yet separate. Holding back yet moving forward. Known yet invisible. I am a paradox. Even in its most casual sense, how you understand the phrase depends on how you see yourself and what you behold.

I haven't done any of my assignments. I feel so unmotivated.

I envy people with eyes intent on their paths, like the ones you see on the streets who don't care too much about what's happening around. They're the ones who seem to have definite destinations. Whereas I, when walking with this same crowd, take glimpses of their faces, admire them, and then move on aimlessly.

Then again, it's probably my frustration because I do sense some general direction. I realize that I always end my entries with this kind of dichotomy. A fascinating contradiction.