friday fiasco

I don't have the guts to face the class after our horrid presentation. I just came out of my Poli Sci class short of crying. It's beyond horrible really. It was a lame puppet show by college students. Que horror. Cringe fest! We procrastinated, yes, but I can't believe it was that bad. I was holding every tidbit of emotion a while back. But not now that I'm in Faura Lab, I can spill every drop of puke I've been holding back. I'm going to obsess about the grand fiasco.

I don't feel that bad. Dianne, on the other hand though, suffered a paroxysm of resentment and mortification. I think she's aiming for an A. I do too but I'm okay with a B or a B+-. Please get me a B+. We figured it best not have classes with our Poli Sci classmates next semester. "Oh you were in that group with the puppets." No, we don't want that!

I feel bad about disappointing our teacher. She seemed genuinely interested in our presentation initially. Also, most people in the group have an A or B+ standing. She was expecting something brilliant from us. I feel like I could have done better to prove myself.

Yes, I still feel good ending this week. I couldn't pull everything off quite brilliantly though because there were a lot to do! Yes, I could've scheduled every moment but - oh okay - why didn't I? Our Theo presentation yesterday went a little better than the one I had this morning. It's still a bad one though. Damn the audio system in SS AVR! Despite these, I had fun in with my group mates for both Poli Sci and Theo.

...

Now, on with the good news!

Parentals will be home for some weeks. I think they're preparing everything before my sister gets to fly to Canada next week. They will miss her definitely. Even Manang told me she'll miss my sister despite her.. oh well. Regardless of our open war, I think I'll be missing her contribution to the burgeoning noise pollution care of our neighbors.

I'll be prepare living alone for some five years. Well, make it forever. We'll see about independence. I will get to cook for myself, wash the clothes, clean the house, etc. I feel like growing up again. That won't happen right away though. And I'm okay with the prevailing state of things.

I'd love to try independence. I really have a lot of catching-up to do with fellow kids in that aspect of maturity. I'd like to try living alone. I want to live, experience everything I haven't done before. I want to learn about life the way my mother and father did, maybe even more than they did.

together yet separate

It's quite ironic that you get a pang of separation once you picture in your head how you are situated in the world. It doesn't happen often now, probably because I am incessantly inundated with concerns of the world. It would be proper to be glad about it, but I feel otherwise.

That's perhaps the reason why I rationalize too much the inanities in my life. Maybe I'm trying to run away from the real world by trivializing it. Perhaps viewing everything as something separate from myself would help me fool myself and hide what I really feel. And it sucks big time.

I wouldn't say it was about the damned exam or being the only person without a group yet, or chemical imbalance from the tons of chocolates I ate yesterday. No. Although I can say that these things forced me have same withdrawal time and again, that pubescent anxiety.

I am. Together yet separate. Holding back yet moving forward. Known yet invisible. I am a paradox. Even in its most casual sense, how you understand the phrase depends on how you see yourself and what you behold.

I haven't done any of my assignments. I feel so unmotivated.

I envy people with eyes intent on their paths, like the ones you see on the streets who don't care too much about what's happening around. They're the ones who seem to have definite destinations. Whereas I, when walking with this same crowd, take glimpses of their faces, admire them, and then move on aimlessly.

Then again, it's probably my frustration because I do sense some general direction. I realize that I always end my entries with this kind of dichotomy. A fascinating contradiction.

saturday means school

As the title says, I spent yesterday in school. It was all group work the whole day. I had to meet my POS group mates in the morning and my Theo group in the afternoon. All in all, I think I only got an hour to eat my lunch. Luckily, Cez entertained me for an entire hour. Otherwise, I would have had to eat in total silence and solitude. My groups for both subjects were not the serious type so I really enjoyed working with them.

The morning Poli Sci meeting was fun. Aside from the laughter-inducing remarks on our everyday college life, we got to talk about how we were supposed to present our report, creatively. Our ideas went from wearing Muslim attire to mimicking the Abu Sayaff to presenting a sort of Oprah show. Our teacher assigned Muslim Succession (Philippine context) as our topic.

The first idea was an exhibit. We thought about showing pictures in different booths then explaining them. We thought it would be brilliant to pose as statues per booth too when we get to explain it. One of us would be animated to report everything about the pictures. I actually like the idea of pretending to be terrorists, brandishing M16 and holding it to my teacher's head. We thought about mimicking gunfire as the class enters the dark room, then all of a sudden we're holding or dragging our teacher to the podium for everyone to see. All that before we get on with the actual report.

Fine. Writing about them is so NOT funny. I wonder why we laughed so hard about those ideas. It's the third that I like most. One of us would be impersonating Oprah or our local Kris Aquino. Her guests would be Nur Missuarri and Hashim Salamat. Then they would be responsible for discussing details of our report. I think we agreed on what to do, I just forgot what it was.

Then there's lunch. We were supposed to do a sort of soap opera to present our short story. We had to film in short. I was getting quite panicky about not having the script to be used later in the afternoon. Luckily, my group mates were not that mad seeing that I didn't have the script. Hubert, who I confuse with Aubert all the time, and I wrote everything down. It was really cool seeing group mates having fun filming the short story despite the rain and general fatigue. We failed to finish all the scenes yesterday. We got to shoot 5 out of 7 scenes. I hope Rosana would be satisfied. It was a story about commitment.

I was expecting a get-together with Ka and Ken again but I figured to just get home and rest. It turned out that Ken was tired too and Ka was grounded. I got home around 7 and found my sister all dressed up. She was about to leave for a reunion with her high school friends. I was rather all happy about having the house for myself yesterday. It was all quiet. I dozed off in no time.

week in recount

It's been a week already since my last update. Hell of a week as usual and I never had the time to doodle. I have had a lot inspiration lately. It would have made a nice entry. But workload from school won't let that happen. This week wasn't really a hell week. It's actually the bum week with the exception of two exams and my everyday heaps of ridiculous readings for Ethics class.

Saturday. Party with the kids we were tutoring in Kaingin. It was really fun seeing their grannies do the Ocho-ocho. It was not a usual tutoring day. It was a party and everyone was in a cheerful mood. I got to laugh a lot. I rarely have a laugh with the Kaingin crowd. So that should be good.

I always wonder if the kids benefit from our tutoring. Are we just trying to convince ourselves that we're actually helping. Social justice through education. Honestly, I think what we're doing's very small. I don't see palpable gain on their part.

Ka phoned me about the coffee later at ten with Ken. After his month-long tour throughout Europe I thought it's about time he shares his adventure. I was really excited. After some four hours waiting, we went to Starbucks Binondo - Somebody should kill me now. I've been there twice this month now. And I'm already skint! I mean real skint! I had to borrow money from mother. - Anyway, Ken showed us pictures of The Louvre, Amsterdam, and Rome. I really want to get there someday. Oh, they - with his cronies I guess - also went to Polland, where the mansion in the movie Sound of Music stood. His friends were all excited to explore the mansion but he wasn't. He had no idea what The movie was about. He showed us the place where the I am Sixteen was sang.

Ka shoved me some movies. And I got to watch everything last Tuesday, rather than reading the tons of Philo readings for the following lecture day. They were Erin Brocovich, Adaptation, and Love Actually. They were all good, especially the first one. Now, whenever I feel down, I just think Erin Brocovich! Haha! I wonder if Ka's somehow manipulating me with the movies she lends. I really need the lessons in the movies - like when she lent me Shawshank Redemption - among other movies. I'm sure I'm making this all up.

Monday was spent on nothing at all. Naturally I procrastinated studying for Theo and Supply Chain later that night. And my gulay did I regret this! I was totally lost on our Theo exam, bordering helplessness. And just don't talk about the Supply Chain exam. I definitely sucked at it. I'm doomed basically. So, right after that I had those three movies to comfort me. Ugh, get me a life.

I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday that I got to hang out at the Celadon table. I was rather shocked to see this usually meek friend exploding. I mean it's a cat-fight! This is high school all over again: complication and everything else about love and friendship. It was immature but cute in a way. Really funny seeing at least two cat fights this week. One's in a thread of e-mails and one live. This is entertainment!

And just when I finished entertaining myself with the movies, I realized that there's a quiz the next day. The usual Maguyon quiz. I got lazy and decided to study the morning after. Nothing quite radical happened this week. I was rather disappointed though 'coz I usually find something worth writing about every week.

Oh, yesterday Ms. Rosana finally got into classmates' head yesterday. Finally, people started genuinely articulating their thoughts. See, it's usually the pretty girl (i.e. drunk barbie) to my left who gets recite every time Ms. Rosana would require the class to participate. I guess it was the topic that stimulated people. It was about the concept of promise (of forever) that is in question. I could have formed a heartbreak club right then and there. Poor me never got to participate. Yes, my love life has never been resurrected after it died in high school.

downtime beybeh

Yeah. It's just one of those weekends that I utterly feel down. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel insufficient. I feel that I've let people down. I mean, I don't even have that five-year plan. And I'm already in my final college year. I really have to do something fix myself. I really try. It just seems that every move I make proves either not enough or frustrated by usual vices. If only I have been someone else, it would be a whole lot easier.

Yes, I don't have that five-year plan the guidance counselor asked me about. I do know what I want to do though. So I guess that's beacon of light somewhere far off in the horizon. But, still, I don't really know how to get there. And right now, with how I perform and everything, I don't think I can get to where I want to be. It's so frustrating.

I have hope. I do sense some blessedness. And I'm genuinely grateful. For one, I never planned to live after 18. And I'm here. My only chance of getting something really meaningful out of this life is to get to where I want to be. And I'm no where near that. It's just a problem - a frustrating one - but I'm no way near despairing.

It's just me holding myself back. At least I'd like to think of it that way. I have so many fears, insecurities, and vices. They make each step toward my goal difficult. I can work hard to get there. I'd like to think that way.

meanies should die

Project Management class two hours from now. I thought I'd write about the entire week that just happened and rant about it:

I hate the slightest condescension from anyone. People can be clueless that they're obsessing on every possible encomium they decorate themselves with. It's paltry and pathetic. The slightest air and I'm irritated, almost wanting to pluck their eyes out. I've been with such people lately.

Second musing. This one's a give away. Why the hell would cellphones have foul mouths? You shoo away people then you wonder why they hate you. Puerile. I am patient when it comes to friends. But smiling the next day after a fight usually freaks me out. Don't for a second think that the entire world needs you, that people beg for some favors from you, That you are being used or whatever.

Third. It just gets too strong sometimes, that same anxiety I had back in high school. The same search for a comfortable place. Good people are indeed rare. I had a hard time liking it here during the first 2 years of college. I hated most people I met. Now, I found good ones. I'm off to a new road in a few months. I feel that I've built those ties too late.

Fourth. It's hard to find a decent person to talk to. I know it takes time for bonds to get strong. But it just seems to impossible no matter how I try to reach out. I am a part-time introvert but I try anyway. And I'm beginning to get tired. Really tired.

Maybe 20 does something to everyone. You've worn a mask for so long that you just can't take it off. I don't feel isolated anymore. It's just that I can't climb those high walls that some of these people I really get to like have built around them.

...

Philo class was super this afternoon. I can listen to Father David non-stop for hours. He talked about how power shapes/controls individuals; that we are in prison ultimately because we unconsciously think we should behave, think, etc, etc, in certain ways prescribed by the powers-that-be. That's why Psychology seems so powerful because we find it crucial for explaining ourselves and the world. It determines what should be.

Hearing him talk about everything else is way more profound that summarizing major points in these gaudy lines.

monday

I kept thinking it would be the worst group work I would have this semester. I would never be on the same wavelength. I was a pariah. They've been a group since summer for practicum.

I noted that I'd remember every detail of this group work, especially the bad ones for future grim party anecdotes. I thought it would also get me some equally grim inspiration for writing another blog entry. But no, I really enjoyed most of the group work. I had fun even with some of their jokes - and that never happened before. Luckily the geeky boy band wasn't complete (batch mates call them techie boys). I would have probably sulked in a corner and curse on corn otherwise.

...

I watched Sky High yesterday with Ka. Bad movie. She told me Ken just arrived from Germany last Thursday and he has no time for us. He's probably turned into a German sociopath? Not that Germans are sociopaths. It's just that when I think of Germans I think of sociopaths.

We had some coffee afterwards at Starbucks Binondo, as per usual, and talked about random stuff. We still don't have the 5-year plan that my guidance counselor recommended. That was what we mostly obsessed about.

*students fill the lab now - a bit noisy* I have to go to get my envelope from Char. Crap, I totally forgot about Muslim secessionism. My POS group mates must me reading about it now. I should too, Wah!!! And I'm up for recitation tomorrow for Ethics class, but I haven't read a single page of Foucault! Crap!

the middle car

LRT Katipunan station has two staircases leading to the same platform going to Recto. The first set of stairs leads to the head-end of the train, while the second leads to the tail-end. Most of the people I got to ride the train with often go down the first set of stairs. But I always take the second. I always make sure to take a seat inside the last car.

Tonight, I took a seat in the middle car. And this is a big deal.

...

I just got home actually. After the Amazing Inter-department Race, which was the coolest thing this week, I got to watch Bayan Bayanan. It was a play about OFWs in Switzerland. Org mate Retcher told me they were required to watch it. And, since Ka and I figured there were no movies up in theaters worth watching, I thought it would be a nice filler for Friday night.

The play was initially funny, with boisterous humor and some genuine laughter from the crowd. It eventually gets into each character's story, gathering depth and showing that their notion of "Bayan" is but a respite from the emptiness each one feels beyond it.

Finding a home or sanctuary, that's what I think the play's main theme is about. It's not so much a tedious case for patriotism, like how glorious the country is or what-not. Rather, it's about how one finds a home or family with fellow Pinoys abroad, attributing that feeling to Bayan, that warm feeling of belonging.

That's what the play highlights throughout its duration. The sense of love, familiarity, and family have been developed little by little. The characters either acknowledges, criticizes, escape, or even renounce all together these basic things that everyone really tries to find. The sense of nation or bayan conjures all these feelings.

Near the end of the play, the "prostitute" tries to dismiss the others' melancholy born from their desire to go back to the Philippines - home. She dismisses it as weakness and immaturity. It hit me right away. I was like that. She's the one ironically being immature because she denies herself such belonging by denying her need for it. So she tries on to find it with one night stands to put it plainly, which could be a form of love and belonging for her. She mocks others' desire for belonging by glorifying her own coping mechanism, declaring it to be glorious, wise, practical and mature. I mean I don't sleep around. Haha! But I get that a lot, covering your weaknesses with feigned strength.

...

On other news, Amazing Inter-department Race was fun! Thanks to everyone who helped us. To the volunteers, thank you very much! I want to congratulate Char and Ivan for their hard work!

Participants really enjoyed the race. Myreign even pointed out that the clues were cool! Wahahaha! That really made my day! Comments about the project have been good so far! Anyway, even before our congratulatory moments at Manang's, I already had that insane feeling of happiness after seeing teams running around the campus figuring out my clues. I mean those were my clues! It was extremely rewarding to see people playing your game.

Once again thanks everyone!

...

Thursday aftermath. I was really feeling down after that Project Management midterm. I feel that I really failed. Big time. I think I missed about 4 items in the last part, which weigh some 35 percent of the final score. Group study was useless. Andie poo, I'm really sorry about going to your dorm that Thursday afternoon. It really was a bad idea. And, Come on! In the real corporate world, we will definitely have more time solving Cost and Duration estimates for projects anyway. I bet even the teachers would fail to answer correctly and on time too. So why the hell do we need to do it that fast?! Isn't the point knowing how to do those stuff? Even 4 hours wouldn't suffice for that kind of exam. Damn it. This is when college instructors trivialize exams. If there's a place worse than hell, this would probably be it.

I was prolly cursing those MIS instructors on while Andie were making stupid cartoony sounds on our way out of the exam rooms.

slack off and get stoned

This week's probably the most unproductive week in my entire college life. I haven't been doing anything important since Sunday, when I finally confirmed that it was a holiday the next day.

Underline unproductive: our Theo ecological project was almost late/rejected and I've missed 6 lectures in total this week. That means a compendium of lecture notes to copy, paperwork on Philo lectures, a missed bonus quiz in Supply Chain Mgt where I got a big fat F for the first long exam, and a recitation on Tuesday. Oh yes, the latter's because we're "penalized" for absences. Except for my once-a-week Project Mgt class, I didn't attend a single Tuesday & Thursday class!

After Monday being a holiday, my notion of having the right to slack a bit carried over to the succeeding days. Blaming other things for my inefficiency is really helpful. And, the BIT of procrastination mutated into VAST.

I was still able to finish our Theo presentation though. I still don't know whether to accuse my other team members for not dealing with it properly. I was the one who did almost everything. I get this slight feeling of injustice. It's still my fault regardless their minimum input to our project. I chose not to pass it to one our group mates who volunteered to finish it. I thought it would be a major hell for her, since she had another project due the next day. I worked for a little over 15 hours to finish this stupid Powerpoint presentation with the whole shebang: infos, music, and animation. It upsets me talking about it.

...

I didn't get any sleep last Monday-Tuesday because of that stupid Theo project. And Tuesday compelled me to forgo sleeping because I had go to Greenhills. I bought that equally stupid Naruto head protector to complete my creative picture for our yearbook. Thank God I had bestbud Ka with me to go there, should I suddenly snap lose consciousness from exhaustion and sleepiness.

After that brief trip, I figured to drop by Mateo-Ricci to get Naruto movies from Retcher. Then the funny stuff happened.

Saw Rompz and an MIS girl, whose name I never knew, on my way to Mateo. At this point, I was entirely between reality and the dream world, "semi-consciousness" if you like. I prolly had only a tenth of my brain at the time. They spoke to me, and I didn't understand a word at all. It was kinda scary. My stupid grin and vague comments prolly passed for normalcy and friendliness. But I seriously didn't know what we talked about. I can't even remember what came ouy of my mouth. Mateo did seem dreamlike as well. I must have irked some Celadon peeps when I came looking for the Naruto CDs, "those damned CDs" I thought then.

After bumping into and talking to Rompz and company again, I got on the way out of school. Then it happened. A literal winding road appeared before me after getting out of the bridge. I was scared. But I persevered not to faint. And I was really close to fainting.

When I got to the train station, another familiar face greeted me. It was Jayaps - and dear me a new person - Che. I think it's Che or Che Che. I was semi-conscious already. It didn't register well. Once again, I was at a loss on our conversation. And dammit, she normally proves to be incomprehensible already. So just imagine how baffled I was about her jokes. I was laughing without understanding anything she said.

I realized that I was awake for at least 30 hours. I head to bed right away when I got home.

I don't plan to die before 35, so I should change this habit.

...

After finishing Theo on Thursday morning, I got to Meriam to get the samurai costume from Ka. Okay, it was an Aikido outfit really but it would pass of as a Samurai's if you're thinking Kenshin Himura. I headed to school to pass the Theo thing. But upon discovering that other stuff for documentation was needed, I contacted Rach right away to do those miscellaneous stuff. Then, I got to the studio for my grad pic.

Got to wear my polo and tie with shorts! And no that wasn't my creative costume. I'm not that creative, I swear. They only shoo the upper body for the formal grad picture. So I thought wearing shorts was okay. I got a bit of schmaltz when they draped me with the toga, the patch for the school seal, and another thing that seemed to be a medal. At that moment, I thought about leaving Ateneo. And it really pained me. I really love the school. And I think I'm not totally ready to get out and let the work world consume me.

Then the creative pose. The creative pose!!! I donned on the stupid samurai costume and tied the Naruto head protector around my head. When I got to look at myself on the mirror, I thought, I really looked like another Naruto character. I felt really good fantasizing about my being a part of the cartoon. I was also embarrassed to the bones! It would have registered as some form of social suicide in some circles. But I didn't care! It was fun. I got to pull off something drastic and comic before graduating.

...

I should really work for next week beginning tomorrow. Tons of readings again and a midterm coming up. Wish me luck, I feel like I'm up and charged to start Saturday properly.