imbibed iconoclasm

It's a long weekend and it's supposed to be a good one. You get to do lots of important stuff like catching up with the times, the books you've been wanting to read, readings to get and done with, org stuff, etc.

But I didn't get to do all those stuff. I devolved again to my indolent self. I was the perfect embodiment of a sloth! I didn't go to the org bazaar, didn't attend my afternoon tutoring session. It was my plan to stay focused this last sem, and I'm totally disgusted with how I spent the weekend. I'm not expecting the best grades. I just want to really get the most out of my courses this last sem. Thank God tomorrow's a holiday, I can certainly catch up.

There's nothing earth-shaking to inspire me writing lately. I think I'm too comfortable with how things are. Not that I don't have issues, but I already have notions on how to deal with them. This illusion of foresight gives me a sense of comfort. I don't know whether to be thankful or to be agitated because all of these only happen in only my head.

Thankfully enough, classes I've had offer radical stuff, most of them anyway. In a way, I can preoccupy myself with things directed outward. Unfortunately, however, I didn't really learn new things. I can definitely be well-versed in those questions I've had since childhood, but ask me new issues and I promise I'd look like an idiot.

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We had our grad pic taken last Friday. I was desperately in need of company then. It's weird that I didn't feel weirded out at all by all those people- and, I barely knew anyone. And, I didn't feel isolated. I spotted some course-mates to hang out with. My rather unusual convivial tendencies kicked in. They were probably either annoyed or surprised. I can't believe I was there with people I'm not really close to. It was fun nonetheless.

Readings are already piling up so I better start right away. Ciao!

think erin brockovich

Second week of the last semester. It's as if a lot days have gone into the semester already. We're nearing graduation. It's something to dread and to look forward to. While most blogs I got to read recently are preoccupied with meaningful friendships they've had, mine uniquely exudes a tinge of bitterness. It's as if I never enjoyed it. I guess I never got to feel the same high with friends. But there are those exceptional people who I'm sure I'd stay in touch with past graduation.

It's almost Thursday. Hours from now will be the quiz for Theo. I'm a bit antsy about it and I still haven't reviewed my notes. I call this productive procrastination. I'll start in half an hour. We had recitation on history yesterday and I didn't read for it. Luckily, it turned out to be an open recitation. I was totally relieved. Got four chapters to munch for tomorow for that same class.

Got trouble about my ACP! I really want to go to subic despite my friends' desertion. But I can't because we're about to have our immersion this Friday as well. Ugh! I want to go to subic! I opt not to go to my immersion, but then I'd miss out on a lot. Please move the date for immersion! I'm a bit afraid about the immersion thing. I don't know if I can really live with the poor. I know I want to - to know their plight, to know their lives, to learn from them. But I don't feel comfortable at all to get out of my comfort zone. Need some serious psyching-up to do.

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What people need now is liberation theology. Lots of experts trying to marry the world with social concerns. Why don't they try to change these structures instead? I'm not taking out the fact that, maybe by marrying the two, they may change the structures. But is this kind of development enough? It is still subjected to greed. An maybe that's what bugs me. Maybe that's the most difficult thing to remove.

Rizal was shot dead despite his dissension with Bonifacio's revolution. He's our national hero. Going beyond sarcasm, maybe there's other reasons why he's such. Another thing, elections have never been orderly in the Philippines. Tejeros convention. Losers always complain. Even in college, this kind of mentality exists. Some even run for positions of authority after losing an election. Pathetic losers. The republic formed by Aguinaldo killed Bonifacio. This is the birth of our beautiful republic. Going beyond pessimism and skepticism, we are next in line. We better fix things up.

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Got to watch Goblet of Fire last Saturday. It was not at all that great compared to the last three movies! A lot of important details weren't included! Peeps argue that taking out some details was necessary in making the movie. But some character development necessary for the next movie wasn't included! Even Fudge and Dumbledore's disagreement wasn't shown! And, only one dragon?! What about Percy's obsession with the ministry? And Ludo Bagman?! And I swear, the Quidditch world cup didn't go beyond a minute! Even Moody's sort of mentor-ship was not developed properly. They fixed everything up in the dialogues. Ugh, even Fleur and Viktor didn't have proper sentences to deliver. I probably have lots of peeps agreeing with this. It's Harry Potter so I still like it.

I was out with Ka and Ken last Saturday! It was really tiring spending the entire afternoon at school, night at the theaters and a friend's house, and the first three hours of morning in a cafe and a park. I was out until 3 am of Sunday. Get me a real life.

Oh, the title is not related to the entry at all. It was the prevalent feeling I had hours ago. I recommend it to anyone feeling lost. Heh!

almost bbye college

It's the last stretch of my college life. It's a bit depressing. I've spent some 17 years in school. And now I'm preparing for the so-called "real" world. Yes, we're supposed to be living in a kind of bubble right now that will burst soon.

Teachers seem promising this semester. All courses seem quite challenging actually. I don't want to jump into conclusion, but this sem seems to offer a real studying, fit for an ending of my college career. I'm hoping for the best since this is the last stretch. I really want to learn. Classmates seem to be nice too. I know a number of peeps from all of my classes. I got to be classmates with a number of them during the previous sems.

I don't have the usual tons of readings yet so I opted to blog. So here I am. I'm thinking of writing down notes here actually. Maybe when I get to try thinking about lectures regularly I'd get, more or less, an entire course. All of my subjects, excluding the one non-core and required course, seems interesting enough for me to do this kind of thing. Heh, a plan once again. Maybe this time I'll push through with this.

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It still fascinates me how Mr. de Jesus fluently details essays, especially Gabriel Marcel's. I didn't notice the transition of the type of reflection from first to second paragraph, and the idea of not having value because of chance being the ultimate player in the world. I thought it was death that makes everything else worthless. Eventually - this is a guess 'coz we haven't discussed this part yet - the image of death makes freedom an essential ingredient in being in the world. We also have a Hemmingway story for next lecture, "A Clean and Well-Lighted Place". We've read that in Philo 102 but I still don't understand it fully.

Ok, another random lecture point. Evangelization must include both preaching about spiritual and worldly salvation and freedom. Liberation theology yun. I totally agree though. And I totally get it right away the first time the teacher talked about it. That's one of my weakest points. Tt's always about agreeing to something in order to learn it. Argh. Anyway, to do this, the Christian must participate in the world because it is through this that he can proclaim God's offer of salvation to mankind.

lila / lyla

This final semester seems to promise a good end for my college life. I'm taking intermediate Nihonggo, a good teacher in Philo or Religion (i.e. Miguel De Jesus) and Theo (Si Bobby Guev!). And yes, another history class. I like history. About Nihonggo, I'm still thinking about shifting out. Seniors will end this sem early. I'm think that it won't be worth it if the teacher will give us heavier load since we're ending earlier. About philo, I heard he has his quizzes every week. I wonder if I can deal with that properly. There's a lot to doubts about this sem and I can't change most of my courses too easily. Hehe!

Anyway, Goblet of fire!!! Right now I'm reading through stuff in the net about the film: interviews, behind the scenes and all other stuff. I'm definitely watching it next weekend, And! I'm rereading Goblet of Fire! Other flicks to look forward to are The Legend of Zorro, Memoirs of Geisha, Chronicles of Narnia, and Chicken Little! I need to hoard up monies to finance my trips to the movies.

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Read through this entry or google it to find the title's meaning. I think it's something like "world-illusion" in Mayan beliefs or Hindu. Better yet, listen to Oasis's song Lyla- I think it's somehow related to this word. It's definitely a wow for the band if they intended such connection.

It's one of those days when I feel this weird nauseous feeling. It's not that I want to physically puke, being disgusted at things I see. It's more like a psychological desire to dismiss everything I see. The feeling's kind of related to boredom but it's more than that. It's more like everything seems too much on their own. It's when the world seems to perform a weird show. You notice it and you feel that you're part of it. And then you feel weird, thinking "what then?" after your behold this weirdness.

Now, convince me that this is normal. Does anyone have a proper word for it?

If you happen to encounter anything like this, I recommend that you immediately get a nice book, sit down somewhere comfy then read read read. This practice works for me whenever I get it. Retching about whether physically or mentally won't help. And it's mentally disturbing. I mean, I tried doing it a couple of times- regretting it twice after seeing my face all red and my eyes popping out.

I don't think anyone's given a proper term for this phenomenon. So, I hereby name it lila, something akin to mind-fuck. Hehe! What's bothering me is that I get to feel a separation from the "show" the illusion despite me being part of it. I'm thinking the gods may just be part of this lila after all. Don't they have that same syndrome?

That feeling which seems to point out that people are doing what they are supposed to do- and that I don't want to be part of this play. But I am anyway. That's Lila. In the song, the world around us make me feel so small. Lyla, if you can't hear me call, then what do you say? Maybe the antithesis to Lila is Lyla. One will have to point out the phenomenon.

grades and the future

I got my grades Monday. While everyone was antsy whether they got grades beyond B's, I was preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and worries on where to transfer. I was thinking worst-case scenarios, which is classic coming from me. Luckily, I got my usual grades. They're in my usual range, decent enough range. I was surprised to see that I actually passed all of the courses I took that sem. And that I didn't get a single D! I really thought I failed two courses in sum. I'm formally a C+ student. I know that this sucks but I do feel relieved.

I didn't get to study a lot last semester, specially for this one major course that disgusts me. A friend called it abominable, and I couldn't agree more, I'm a bit upset about Ethics class though. If only I got to submit the final paper in time, I could've gotten a B+. I still recommend Sir David though. He's really brilliant, a bit repetitive but brilliant. I'm actually planning to buy two of Foucault's books despite their exorbitant prices.

Tomorrow's reg for the second semester. I'm begging the universe to please give me the right teachers. I don't want another Rosana or Dacanay for my core subjects. I really don't perform well under strict by-rote intellectualism or super lame lectures!

Ugh, I used the word "perform". I hate that. People, especially in our favorite panoptical institution (i.e. the school), tend to equate individuals to efficiency. Is that really all we get to be thought of? There's no denying though that after we exit school, the world judge us through efficiency. We are things traded by those in higher circles of power in this society. Then again this is may be a self-imposed problem. Legitimizing a particular world that we are only about to enter is a bit of a premature schizophrenia.

Anyway, nothing really has caught my attention lately. No movies or books to obsess about. The most exciting aspect of the sembreak was hanging out with friends and reading the newspaper. You wouldn't believe how much I read the daily. I read everything from the front page to the editorial and opinions! I can't do these things on a regular semester. Nothing's been too amazing lately- no ups and downs. Just limbo. Oh wait! There's one, my sister left for Canada and that we made peace before she left- but that's a month ago.

And I remember another one. A semi-awesome and frightening thing that's been happening to our apartment is that my mom is slowly emptying the house, leaving behind just my stuff! I was surprised to see our big cabinet half empty! My sis and I used to share it. The half empty cabinet still freaks me out.

And oh! Someone texted me to activate my alumni membership! My God! Are you people that excited to kick us out of our beloved school? It seems as if various forces are conspiring, forcing me to grow up. I already told you that I'm prepared but can't you slow everything down even for a bit?

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Now, in terms of frustrations form other worldy stuff, we need relief! Speaking of relief, Goblet of Fire is up next week! Eeek! I'm too excited seeing previews of the flick in almost all channels! Waah! I'm thinking about watching it wednesday night- the premiere night! I'm thinking about watching it twice actually! Saturday will definitely be a day with my high school gang! Wahaha! I'm super excited! This is a relief from the boredom I experienced through out the sem break. Hehe!

samhain

It's the time of the year again. I remember way back in early high school when I was trying so hard to comprehend witchcraft, as in the stupendous theories on how it works and its how-to's. I remember buying tons of books even online. This eventually led me to studying quite a bit about the occult and new age movement in general, from the Lemegenton to the Kabbalah to Wicca.

I've probably wasted 2 years of my high school life reading about these bizare and probably useless stuff. I feel that I could have used those times studying literature or any other useful stuff academically. Then again, it was fun reading ludicrous spells, enchantments, charms, and what-not's.

Anyway, why do I always have to drag to this blog all my residual feelings of resentment? It's always either about dragging the past to center stage or rightfully claiming that I'm moving forward. Why's that? Haha!

Okay. I've change my mind. It was sort of a blessing that I got to study the occult - well, it's not exactly "occult" these days. It lead me to study philosophies behind beliefs. Witchcraft and all those new age stuff are after all beliefs. Maybe I did feel a bit smarter after reading about them.

If you've read any of these stuff, you'll notice that some traditions point to mysticism in certain religions and philosophies of the Greeks, before Christians came into the scheme of things. Those were the things I eventually got interested in. Then came The Solitaire Mystery. A glassful of fizzy drink anyone? Then college Philo.

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I do have another important thing to write about. It's about the "dinner" I had yesterday with my high school friends that turned out a bit sad. It was the usual four again: Me, Ken, Nes, and Ka. Everyone else was doing something more important? Ugh, what could be more important than us? Like having your routine trip to the salon? It was unfair San that you chose your routine "beautification" over your friends! Hehe! Just kidding! The four of us had fun regardless of of the rest's abaence. I swear I can talk to these guys for an hours. And yes we spent six hours planning reunions, criticizing movies, and the usual non-sense. It was really relaxing to be with them. I really regret that I only have a handful of people in college I can be comfortable with.

On other news, I've been having a hard time doing the evaluation for my flockies (read: Celadon thingy). I wasn't able to talk my flock the last month or last sem! Now, I'm having trouble evaluating them. Hell, I don't even know the projects they joined. And (!) The evaluation document is a bit confusing. Tt needs serious revisions for next year. This is panoptical torture! And, it goes both ways. Anyway, I'm excited about the bands performing for the Christmas party! This project should be exciting.