obviously i'm bored

I know this would sound something directly pulled out of my Ethics notes. But I also know this would really describe the phenomenon of blogging.

It's about Foucault's way of expanding freedom by writing essays. More than expanding the framework to which we appropriate our thoughts, writing (blogging) here seems to legitimize that framework. This is exactly why people tend to use their blogs as channel for catharsis. And emotions are but reactions based on built-in constructs (notions) of the world engraved deep in our consciousness. In short, there's only a few people around the blogosphere who really writes essays. I mean real essays. Ergo, no one really grows in this kind of environment. People only justify - by mere description - what they think about the events in their lives.

That's really sad. My first motivation for writing is to find ways to grow. Well, more than overcoming my fear of exposure and acquiring more err.. confidence, I thought about expanding my own "framework" so that I'll be more "wise" in a sense. But I have been doing the exact opposite! It's not that this is bad, it's just that all of my entries have been about how I feel and think about stuff. They were never not about understanding the motivations for having those thoughts or feelings. I haven't been writing real essays.

But of course you can contradict me; that blogging itself is not about such, that it's just about plain doodle of whatever peeps want to write about. Hell, that's exactly what I've been describing. This blogging phenomenon is exactly "whatever" (i.e. nonsense). Save for some few, most peeps write about whatever, which is their thoughts and feelings plainly written, not understood. Hell, we don't even write about issues in politics or any other social stuff. Then again, this is democracy after all.

...

Well, read the title of this entry. I haven't been doing stuff these past few days. And it's only two days into this sem-break. I failed to wake up 600 in the morning to jog in 2 days. Neither have I started on the books I scheduled to read. The only thing I look forward to is the weekends with my high school friends. Oh, and later, Corpse Bride! I'm also thinking about buying a PC game to fill the total ennui the succeeding days have for in store me. Any ideas?

And, I'm doing it again. Vanity, the curse of blogging.

not exactly

The semester's not yet done yet. I have to defend a project tomorrow. Thanks to a series of unfortunate events that happened.

Yesterday could've been the real start of the break. It's not even about the excitement of vacation that make me so irritate. It's because I'm probably getting the lowest grades ever for this semester. The last month of this sem is the worst in my entire college life.

I'm probably out of vocabulary because of that 21-page paper I submitted yesterday. Preceding entries probably contain the same phrases. Even words get exhausted because of all these ordeals. Oh well, I don't have any word that refers to this kind of madness anyway.

...

It's been more than a week since my last entry. I'm just clearing my blog of cobwebs that's all. Aside from all these school-related tribulations, I had to deal with some personal stuff during the last two weeks.

I finally made it up with my sister the day before she flew for Canada. The university is in Ontario. University of Toronto. Where did I get Oregon anyway?! Is it even in Canada? The hell, anyway this isn't my point. Peace with ate at last. It was after the abominable Proj. Mgt. exam, which I think I'm flunking, that I got to talk to her. It was weird. She even told me I was being too emotional about her leaving. Duh, it will be for some 5 years. And that even depends on whether she would want to stay there for good or otherwise. The important thing is I managed to salvage my being a brother to her. And yep, I was quite maudlin about everything else that night. I can't believe I'm doodling this down.

The other thing was all the bustle about fixing this place. In a few week's time, living alone will be a reality. My reality. Just this morning - and late afternoon - I was moving the furniture around. And the necessary OCfication of my other stuff followed. You wouldn't believe the trash I've gathered from school. There were the papers I got to use this sem - especially the SCM slides - I really hate that subject err.. with passion. Anyway, I'm thinking about repainting the walls.

There's a lot of worries but I guess I can live alone. I just started organizing stuff so that'll continue for several days. I really want to change how things are placed in this house. I want to feel new before the second sem starts.

So, that's about it apropos the past few days. I plan to jog everyday after tomorrow - maybe swim - and just hang out with my high school gang. I'll probably help out fixing stuff in Nova. And oh, I'm having a list of what to read this sem break. Andz, don't worry Donnerjack's in the list. I can return it next sem. And movies, movies, and more movies! I'm now fantasizing about watching the Corpse Bride! Ka! Hurry your school stuff so we can catch it this weekend!

still growing up

Last two weeks were the most hellish weeks of all hell weeks I've ever had in my entire college life! It would take me 2 whole days to recount every sordid detail. And It would probably be mortifying anyway when I get to read this months from now.

Aside from the usual tons of school work, I kept having my occasional emotional breakdowns. Oh shut up! I'm dealing with it quite okay lately. I think listening to music really helps. I've been listening to new songs for the past 5 days to lighten the mood. And yes I can play however loud I want to since sister is not studying anything anymore. I finally found another remedy for heartbreaks aside from chocolates. *slaps himself suddenly*

Anyway, let's continue trudging. Perhaps that's the proper word for what I'm feeling. I'm hoping for a good ending. So I better pay attention so everything will not end in heartaches and broken promises. It really feels like I only half-want what I was aiming for. Is it an imagined glory or perhaps a true dream? I really don't know.

I will be living alone in a week's time. I'm quite excited but also afraid. Sister is leaving for Canada, while mother and father will go back again to Taiwan, and Manang to our house in Nova. This is all going too fast. But maybe it's necessary for my growth. This is it, I'm really about to enter adult life. I need to learn some more lessons fast. I really need some help from up there. I can't imagine coming home from school or work only to be greeted by silence and still air. I've been thinking a lot about this.

...

And no this entry doesn't come down to the paragraph above. Yesterday, we had our last ISA class with Mr. Maguyon. I really appreciate his warm parting remarks. I never thought CS teachers were capable of warmth, let alone communicating their feelings. Nah, just kidding. We're going to miss him definitely. He's forming this club for public speaking next semester I think. I just thought about doodling about it. I guess the gesture just reminded me of how teachers are really mentors. I miss my favorite high school teacher.

panicky morning

Just when I thought this week's horror is finally over after yesterday's mayhem, my partner in a project due on Monday got sick. And he told me just minutes ago! He told me the doctors think he contracted Dengue. I'm not blaming him of course, I blame myself and the mosquitoes! Damn the blood suckers! Damn it! I could have gone with him to the company yesterday but he wouldn't let me. He said he's the only one allowed in the company because it was his sister who's employed there.

I couldn't help but blame myself for not being too convivial enough to get a group before last week. Ugh, the world hates me and I can feel its loathsome stare at this very instant.

Luckily though I have tons of chocolates to comfort me, care of mother and father. I got to eat a box this morning instead of eating a proper breakfast. Nope, it's not a lot. The box only has five pieces wrapped in a gold and silver aluminum foil. It's really ridiculous to see such ornately designed sweets. I mean people are concerned with the taste not with how it's wrapped. And, the box is large enough to contain 15 pieces of the same kind.

The world is insane that's why it hates me.

Moving on, Om invited me to judge a talent show organized by their org yesterday. He actually asked me Tuesday before that. I got carried away and agreed on it. The succeeding days got me thinking about the qualifications to be a judge. I only have had too small experience on such things. I was convinced I could do it because he had too much confidence in me. I, on the other hand, had too little. So I refused to go. I excused myself by saying that I had to e-mail a project stuff to my partner. It was true of course. Nonetheless, I could have gone if I really wanted to.

I'll probably start with some Philo readings today. I'll get to finish at least two books by tomorrow. Then the Theo thesis statements, then the set of exercise for Supply Chain. The panopticon is reinforced and I'm so motivated today.

I hope things would get better soon. I'm running out of chocolates.