definite feeler
Don't close your eyes. This is your life. Are you who you want to be? I've been listening to this song for the last three hours already. It's very chilling to hear the very words I need from a rock band. Really wierd- preachy but perfect in its aim to strike at the heart of every audience. I'm affected by those words big time. Yesterday was a wrinkle on your forehead. And today is all you got now. For the past few months I've been continuously reminding myself that I'm changing and that I should like it. I feel that I need to. I have a goal now but I have a lot of excuses not to take full steps everytime I had the chance to. I guess this song reminds me of that. It has been purely abstract whenever I inculcate such idea on my mind. It has only been purely an idea. I never felt like I should really take steps- I mean real ones- to get there. This song reminds me of what's happening. I'm not paying attention. That's probably it. My wasted years I guess. I have some good motivation to work on it but I really don't understand why I'm always rendered immobile whenever an oppurtunity for another step presents itself. See, I even use the word rendered so as not to account for my non-innitiative. I'm either suicidal or a quintissential slob.Luckily I realize this early last year. Well I'm partially awake from my long sleep I had for the last three years. I need some more slapping done for me to fully wake up. I don't want to wake up one day unable to persue my dreams anymore- asking what happened. When the world was younger and you had everything to lose. I don't want to regret my inaction. Ugh, I'm definitely twenty years-old. Hah! I wasn't like this before! I was once full of zest doing everything I can to have fun. I don't really know the precise details of things that eventually made me into this Eric- I wasn't even Eric then! I guess I was traumatized because of some stuff, or maybe I was trapped into thinking how bad things are-absolutely. But then again, I'm okay now. As I've said, I am awake from my long sleep. Yesterday is a promise that you've broken. Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes. This is your life. Really strong words. Thank you God for reminding me.I started my life hating myself, the world, and everyone else. I changed. Now, I want to get somewhere. After all, the Ramans do it in threes. Right Andz?...This got me into thinking about "that" aspect of my life often forgotten because of bad memories- Mock me! I realized that beause of my long sleep, I never got to be attracted- Okay laugh at me, in love- to anyone for the last three years. My, I'm retarded. I'm totally over high school stuff but I never got to like anyone in school. I mean I see faces worth looking at but the attraction never include deeper emotions. Ugh, I'm definitely retarded.I'm glad I'm on the path to change. So first step, sleep early. Hehe! Yesterday is a kid in the corner. Yesterday is dead and over.
purgative paradox
I was just thinking about creating another blog account where I can write about what I really feel. By far, this blog has been more of a liability than a medium for freedom. There's just things that I can't put here because of certain commitments I've made between myself and some peeps. I just can't cut those connections- and mind you valued connections- outright by writing obnoxious doodles about how bad I feel transacting everyday emotions with them. I just can't cut links I have with people. Though I despise stuff about them, I value them noetheless. And, what's truth anyway? Isn't it just a currency for realizing how you look at the world? I mean, it's just a vague concept of what's real. You need it to feel that there's something immutable about how you think and feel about stuff. It is a means to buy peeps into thinking a certain reality of your conception- and along the process, yourself as well. So there, there's no other blog or blog accounts. Then again, this may just be an excuse for me not to doodle my vague truths.Oh no, I'm not at all repressed. I've written a lot of not-so-good stuff about peeps here. So there's no fear of actually crossing the lines set by peeps when it comes to how they deal with me- and for the most part I think they do understand me. It's not about this actually- well, not entirely at least- it's about myself that I fear to doodle. I have certain fears I just can't write.Status quo, the perfect "solution" to any problem in this stage of my life. A lot of peeps I know are becoming more than themselves. I, on the other hand, am perfectly immobile. But Eric, stop this business of painting this dark image about yourself. So, okay, I'll stop my vain endeavor of painting my image. I'm drawn to people bearing this same dark shade about themselves. That's probably why I'm mimicing it in my doodles about myself. I'm not "aiming" for status quo. Heck, I am changing after all. I am aiming of maintaining- isn't that status quo after all?! hehe!- my relations. I want to maintain the masks I've made for peeps. This is my purpose of not writing about my vague truths.Now, the drawbacks of such endeavor is my being confused with how I feel. I tend to indentify myself to some of these masks that eventually I get to be those masks. Can this business really be a means for my growth? Peeps refer to it as sensitivity to others' emotions, modesty, and so on and so forth. They are all masks nonetheless. Crap, what do I do?! Then again, I may just be trying to fool you guys about how I think. This is entertainment.I didn't create another blog just to doodle down certain private emotions and thoughts. I'm not sure about my motivations though- look above for a show of my absurdity about it. It may be the sad thoughts my highschool friends brought up that get me into thinking about making another blog. Those thoughts were about this certain type of loneliness I've experienced long. But, it's deeper this time. Perhaps entertaining it would help me grow....I finally got to watch Corpse Bride early this afternoon! Yay! It was a funny movie with bits of melodramatic themes and scary stuff. It has the right mixture of serious and the funny stuff. Perhaps the perfect movie for the sem break. Hehe! Whatever. I got to watch it with Ka and Nes. Oh, and I saw a lot of school peeps- Chesk, two secondjeers in our AIR project last sem, and some more school peeps I know by face. Anywho, we generally had fun. After an hour at home, we went to Ken's to check what he had been up to. He showed us his pics with Miss Earth candidates- you see, he's working in Hyatt Hotel where the beauties stayed. We gpt to talk about some more updates about our lives, plans, etc. It was all ok- bordering boredom actually. Hehe! I guess we were just tired.Oh, in other news, we had an org eclat yesterday(munday). Even with the distasteful banters (no offense meant), I generally had fun. They are good peeps period. I'm just lame at relating to new peeps. That's probably the reason why I don't fit in so well.Celadon Dance Troupe is also having a practice this friday.I'm looking forward to dinner this munday. I'm already excited about seeing the entire gang- sorry guys i don't have any proper word for our clique (this is worse). I wonder what they've been up to... I hope to find the same quality of friendship with friends at school- it seems a bit more difficult to forge the same bonds with college peeps. I love them though- well, most of them anyway!
obviously i'm bored
I know this would sound something directly pulled out of my Ethics notes but I also know this would really describe the phenomenon of blogging. It's about Foucault's way of expanding freedom by writing essays. More than expanding the framework to which we appropriate our thoughts, writing (blogging) here seems to legitimize that framework. This is exactly why peeps tend to use their blogs as a channel for catharsis- and emotions are but reactions based on built in constructs of the world deep in our consciousness. In short, there's only a few peeps around the blog-dimension who really writes essays. I mean real essays. Ergo, no one really grows in this kind of environment. Peeps only justify- by mere description- what they think about the events in their lives.
That's really sad. My first motivation for writing in this dimension is to find ways to grow. Well, more than overcoming my fear of exposure- acquiring more confidence- I thought about expanding my own "framework" so that I'll be more "wise" in a sense. But I have been doing the exact opossite! It's not that this is bad, it's just that all of my entries are about how I feel and think about stuff. They were never not about understanding the motivations for having those thoughts or feelings. I haven't been writing real essays.
But of course you can contradict me- that blogging itself is not about such; that it's just about plain doodle of whatever peeps want to write about. Hell, that's exactly what I've been describing. This blogging phenomenon is exactly "whatever" (i.e. nonsense). Save for some few, most peeps write about whatever, which is their thoughts and feelings plainly written- not understood. Hell, we don't even write about issues in politics or any other social stuff. Then again, this is democracy after all.
Well, that's plainly the writing aspect of blogging. Maybe by reading other blogs, peeps of this dimension can find ways to grow. Perhaps by stalking peeps we can grow. Hehe!
...
Well, read the title of this entry. I haven't been doing stuff these past few days- and it's only two days in this sem break. I failed to wake up 600 in the morning to jog in 2 days. Neither have I started on the books I scheduled for this break. The only thing I look forward to is the weekends with my highschool peeps. Oh, and later, Corpse bride! I'm also thinking about buying a PC game to fill the total ennui the succeeding days have for me. Any ideas?
And, I'm doing it again. Vanity, the curse of blogging.
not exactly
And no, the sem's not yet done with. I have to defend a project tomorrow. Thanks to series of unfortunate events that happened- I'm not starting on it 'coz I'd probably breakdown and curse some peeps in doing so. Ugh! Yesterday could've been the real start of the break! It's not even about the excitement of a vacation that I get so irritated, it's because I'm probably getting the lowest grades ever for this sem. The last month of this sem is probably the worse time ever in my entire college life. Why do I even keep on saying that "frantic entire college life"?! I'm probably out of vocabulary because of that 21-page paper I submitted yesterday- preceding entries probably contain the same phrase. Even words get exhausted because of all these ordeals. Oh well, I don't have any word that refers to this kind of madness anyway. Damn.
It's been more than a week since my last entry. I'm just clearing my blog of cobwebs that's all. Aside from all these school-related tribulations, I had to deal with some personal stuff during the last two weeks.
I finally made it up with my Sis the day before she flew for Canada- and the university is in Ontario not Oregon. Where did I get Oregon anyway?! Is it even in Canada? The hell, anyway this isn't my point. Peace, ate last. It was after the abonimable PM exam (!)- I think I'm flunking it- that I got to talk to her. It was wierd- she even told me I was being too emotional about her leaving. Duh, it's for some 5 years, it even depends on whether she'd want to stay there for good or not. The important thing is I managed to salvage my being a brother to her. And yep, I was quite maudlin about everything else that night. I can't believe I'm doodling this down.
The other thing was all the bustle about fixing this place. In a few week's time, living alone will be a reality- as in my reality. I think I can do it regardless of its lonely aspect. Just this morning- and late afternoon- I was moving the furniture around to figure out how I want them to be. And of course the necessary OC attack on my stuff followed. You wouldn't believe the trash I've gathered just from the papers I got to use this sem- especially the SCM slides. Hehe! I really hate that subject. Anyway, I'm thinking about repainting the walls come this last week. There's a lot of worries but I guess I can live alone. I just started organizing stuff so that'll continue for several days. I really want to change how things are placed in this house. I want to feel new before the second sem starts.
So, that's about it a propos the past few days. I plan to jog everyday after tomorrow- maybe swim- and just hang out with my highschool gang. I'll probably help out fxing stuff at Nova. And oh! I'm having a list of what to read this sem break. Andz, don't worry Donnerjack's in the list. I can return it next sem. And movies, movies, and more movies! I'm now fantasizing about watching the Corpse Bride! Ka! Hurry your school stuff so we can watch it this weekend!
...
I really have to doodle this down. I just can't forget what she said. So just to answer this particular she, I would like to write down how I felt. Yes, I'm indeed happy to be your group mate but you didn't have to rub into my face how worthless you thought I was. It wasn't even cute- and she usually is despite her being manly at times. And to this particular he, don't you dare boss me around when you haven't done anything about our project. Well, I'm exaggerating I guess but it felt like he does.
Now, I feel alright. This has to stop.
uncertain clarity
The last two week's probably the most hellish of all hell weeks I ever had in my entire college life! I think it would take me two whole days to recount everything, so I better not detail everything here- plus it's really mortifying to write them down. Aside from the usual tons of school work, I'm having my- occassional - emotional breakdowns. Oh shut up! I'm dealing with it quite okay lately actually. I think listening to music really lightens everything up. I've been listening to new songs for the past 5 days to lighten the mood in the bedroom- and yep I can play however loud I want to since Sis is not studying anything anymore. Pizzicato Five- Sweet Soul Review and Blessed Union of Soul songs to be more precise- I also got Tracy Chapman's but I don't feel that she lightens my feelings. I finally found another remedy for heartbreaks aside from chocolates.
I feel like updating again. It's been already a week since my last entry. So here I am in front of my beloved monitor, doodling, trying to make sense of what's going on with me. Oh, and I just came from our Supply Chain final exam! I wish I did okay... And why do I feel like lengthening this entry when I've nothing to write about anymore...
Anyway continue trudging... Perhaps that's the proper word for what I'm feeling. I'm hoping for a good ending. So I better pay attention to that end not to heartaches, broken promises, and so on and so forth. It really feels like I only half want the end. Is it an imagined glory or perhaps a true dream? I really don't know. Perhaps that's the reason I feel only half alive. The hell, music please!
So much for words that romanticizes this particular sentimentality (i.e. nonsense) I better stay steadfast on my unsure principles. Now, that's the perfect paradox to paint my emotions. I do have principles and dreams, so I won't want to go back to that comfortable place. It's may seem foreign on this side, but I feel like I'm home again. Now, that really helps. Don't mock me for being cheesy. Plus, I don't have reasons to go back again. I need to move forward no matter how clumsily I manage every step.In a week's time, I will be living alone. I'm quite excited but also afraid at the same time. Sis is leaving for Canada, Mom and Dad for Taiwan again, and Manang to our house in Nova. This is all going too fast! But maybe it's necessary for my growth. This is it, I'm really about to enter adult life. I need to learn some more lessons fast! I really need some help from up there. I can't imagine coming home from school of work only to be greeted by silence and still air. Waah! Someone, enlighten me about this unease. I've been thinking a lot about this....And no this entry doesn't come down to the paragraph above. Yesterday, we had our last ISA class with Sir Magz. I really appreciate his warm parting remarks. I never thought CS teachers were capable of warmth- let alone communicating their feelings. Nah, just kidding, We're going to miss him definitely. He's forming this club for public speaking next sem I think. Anyway, I just thought about doodling about it- I guess the gesture just reminded me of how teachers are really mentors. I miss my favorite high school Teach...Nothing extra-school-work has happened these last two week. I'm thinking sem break. No! Think next week! Waaah! That's tons of work!
panicky am
Just when I thought this week's horror is finally over after yesterday's mayhem, my partner in a project due on munday got sick- and he told me just minutes ago. He told me the doctors think he have contracted Dengue. I'm not blaming him of course, I blame myself and the mosquitos! Damn the blood suckers! Dang it! I could've gone with him to the company yesterday, but he wouldn't let me. I think he's the only one allowed in the company because of her sister's employment there.
I couldn't help but blame myself for not being too convivial enough to get a group before last week. Ugh, the world hates me and I can feel its loathesome stare at this very instant. Somebody help!
Luckily though I have tons of chocolates to comfort me- care of mom and dad. I got to eat a box this morning instead of eating a proper breakfast. Nope, it's not a lot. The box only has five pieces wrapped in a gold and silver aluminum foil. It's really riddiculus to see such ornately designed sweets- I mean people are concerned with the taste not in how it's wrapped. And, the box is large enough to contain 15 pieces of the same chocolate. Ugh, I guess it's a specialty choco. The world is insane that's why it hates me.
Now, that's a good way of having an excuse to kill myself. Anyway, moving on from the early morbid stuff, Om invited me to judge a talent show organized by their org yesterday. He actually asked me tuesday before that. I, of course, got carried away and agreed on it. The following days after got me thinking if I had the qualifications to be a judge- I only have had too small experience on such thing. I was convinced I could do it because he had too much confidence in me. I, on the other hand had too much little of it in myself. So I refused to go. I excused myself by saying that I had to e-mail a project stuff to my partner- it was true of course. Nonetheless, I could have gone if I really wanted to- maybe willed is much better, 'coz I wanted to go. Sorry Om.
I'll probably start with some Philo readings today. I'll probably get to finish at least two books by tomorrow. Then, the Theo thesis statements, then the set of exercise for SCM. Probably the panopticon is reinforced that's why I'm so motivated today! It's all about production this weekend.
I hope things would get better soon. I'm running out of chocolates!
Eric thought he has found what he's looking for (like the U2 song. lol!). These days, he's not even sure whether he's actually looking for something. And, he's tired of riding on other people's dreams, assuming purposeful identities. He figures life's not about how we think we figure in the "larger scheme of things" (thus, "The Identity Myth"). Rather, it's about finding what compels and weighs us down to live another day, and pursuing just that. He chronicles various life happenings alluding to the identity myth, because in the end he recognizes that obsessing about it is inevitable, and human (and sometimes pathetic and shallow).
Oh, he's undecided between survival and bliss (like the Alanis song). And his favourite pastime is to fluctuate between despair and hope.