incoherence baybeh!

And so it happens that my weekend doesn't. The grrness of it all... Monotony is not the problem- Geez, I enjoy my classes this time and the more than unorthodox schedule; it's the times when I actually speak my own language. I can only do this with my friends, with all my incoherence and twisted logic. Dang, it's not Chinese, but I guess peeps know what I mean. Anyway- okay there's really no "anyway" anyway because, once again there had been no adventure on the physical plane during the weekend, except maybe jumping through islands of concrete, skillfully avoiding the encroaching sea of garbage/mud/flood on my way to and back from school.

Luckily I'm human enough to imagine something's really happening. Well, aside from the war between the Hezbollah (did I spell that right?) and Israel, which, if you're really the pessimistic type, is the exact demonstration of the maxim about history. They're invading Lebanon if you're an Arab, I guess. And thanks to Philippine media, SONA means the next big event in my life. Oh yes, they're very effective in doing this collective hallucination for people, and I buy them, big time. Okay, putting my psuedo- intellectualism out of the matter, "what the world is" and "what's happening" matter. I just thought of the nasty and pompous "debate" I had with some brats last week, thus the insipid re-doodlement of my strong point.

Where was I? Yes, about my psychical reality. Nah, it's not really about the weekend- or pure hallucination- that I've created a reality about. It's about some "funny" stuff last week, which is entirely subjective- so suckers, bugger off. Oh, there was an actual, meaning physical, theatrics during UN class! But those were too interesting in my own world and thus too petty for doodling. Going back to my earlier point:

1. The new assistant of my dentist turned out to be a High school mate! She's 3 years my senior, so one year older than my sis- they were quite tight because of HS choir, through which I got to know her. It was quite weird though that someone you laughed with during chorale days is now scrutinizing your mouth- which is actually a layer away from the soul if you come to think of it. I thought she lost that pure humor she had, until we began talking. Okay, I'm weak at narrating so I'll leave this in one paragraph.

2. She mentioned that her cousin, a batch mate, a pseudo-friend and who we lost contact with for more than 3 years methinks, ran away from home! Sankapah dibah? I forgot to dig into details about it because I was in a hurry to get to the bookstore after my session with the Dentist.

3. Karotski dropped by about 6 pm earlier. Kamusta naman yan dibah? It was raining awfully hard then but she managed to swim through flood to get to our place. I was surprised but skillfully hid it and manifest my nonchalance about it. See, I always think that the last vestige of my privacy is my home so I’m rather sensitive about friends coming over. Anyhow, I forced her to come with me to buy a piggy bank for a celadon fund raising project.

4. I’ve realized recently that I’m close to being a fanatic, yes, not to the point of bombing myself because I strongly believe in cause. I believe in some cause but I value relationships more than the zeal I have for this cause. Relationships sustain and causes give direction. Sorry about the lame maxims I always use to end my random thought with. I guess they reflect the fanaticism I mentioned. I must understand that there’s no one way to understand this life- thus forfeiting my maxims! Good, good!

5. I realize that I don’t actually abhor people who seem counter the way I understand things. I hate their actions resulting from their “inept” “what is”, especially is these things manifest themselves through interpersonal relationships, like hate, disgust, and cursing groups of people. Drop by Celadon room anytime there seems to be uproar, and you’d know what I mean. But I guess they’re okay since they’re kids. But again, in a way, they want to validate their own understanding of people so I’m back with the debate on fanaticism- well, at least in my head.

the lost phone

Ugh, I lost my cellphone on the train to cubao- I realized it on my way to the grocery store- really stupid. For the average lad up the hill, or even throughout the archipelago, really, it may not be worth much. But to me, it's the only connection to civilization- apart from the internet. This is big time. I'm probably living without one for an entire two months, unless I buy one of those 1k++ phones somewhere in Quiapo. They're probably stolen- and I'd probably get jailed- but I'd have a cellphone. Okay, I'm being too honest here...

It's encroaching, creeping in really slowly, but no way subtly. I know I'm in no way taking care of myself, but I want peeps important to me to understand that I'm getting there- and fervently wanting to get there. I no longer want to rely too much on anyone anymore, and see later that peeps get hurt because my weakness- oh yes people, rule #1: irony is truth. Now, things lost bear great toll; in a sense, I'm on my own to build things for myself. I feel that, very strongly. I'm trying not to ask for anything anymore from anyone, at least for the things I need. I want to be content with what's given and work for things that I need further.

You broke it you buy it. I'm making this a rule of life for myself. Now, I'm trying to sell new age and occult books, if anyone is interested just comment here. I'm also planning to showcase them to my beloved Celadon peeps in the future. To the Jesuits, I'm encouraging scholarly attitude towards these demonized mysticisms of various religions. I'm in no way encouraging heresy.

...

In another drama, is it possible to resent something that had not been yours in the first place? Anyway, I realized that the "pain" I was carrying for the first two years of college- from highschool- had been completely imaginary. During those times, it was a realignment of my entire aim at life that got me over it but I think realizing how stupid it was could have been more efficient motivating me to move forward. The pain is still there, and I don't think it'll be gone. Getting over it seems more like the pain being part of who you are more than it being completely erased from memory. Beautiful people to me are those who have been hurt but still thriving. Perhaps I'm aiming to be in the same league.

This is too much a hackneyed term, but I guess I'm a lot stronger now. My ability to get hurt pushes me forward- wanting to experience more from this world. Okay, that's really hackneyed. I'm ready, I guess- though I fear a lot of things. I'm not too lost and afraid now; there's an aim that I'm after. Thank God and the people who have rescued me. Rule #2: most cliches are true anyway.

...

Things to look forward this week:
1. Dinner with kids I grew up with- sponsored by karotski! Probably a movie later.
2. Reformating my HD. Nothing seems to fix my sound problem. Music, thereafter!
3. Gascon class! Woohoo! Old school teaching and he's super wise, mind, not "smart"- a lot of vain smarties Teachs these days.
4. Indian movie at Ken's with Ka and company. It's only his own obsession actually.
5. Finish Foucault's History of Sexuality Vol 2 and 3. Feeling smart? I'm a wannabe smarty anyway.

kid at the door

Finally! After more than a month of brooding about my new layout, it's finally up! I had a lot of trouble positioning each layer- ok, who would care anyway. Phew, at last a new layout after a year. This is really hard work for me! Dreamweaver is too sophisticated for my use! Yep, this is all manual stuff- and probably won't work in firefox. Those two browsers are really different- again who would care? I have a new layout for IE a least! Yey! I can finally start on my assignment- those kids at my study group's probably cursing me not yet having my part of the assignment uploaded.

Oh, I'd like to point out that I'm no way down. Someone told me the pictures really look sad in this layout. I was surprised because I thought they project something profound other than sadness- yes it's part of the entire theme but it's not supposed to be its entirety. It's a story actually. Again, it's a story for me so opinions don't really count so much. The main element in this layout is the kid at the door. The "the identity myth" thing is just a sort of allusion for a short while of foucauldian education/obsession- and I agree, for practical purposes too. The minuscle alethiometer has something to do with identity- you should know if your a Philip Pullman fan! "Identity" is also connected to the kid at the door, and, at last, to the eye- to which I seem to have developed a wierd attachment (It was in my last layout, though not this pretty).

Enough art talk- yeah, yeah. Peeps may think that this is all an excuse to seduce the mind to invoke mystery looking at my layout- and they may be right! Hehe! It's similar to magic realism in movies, which critics claim to understand. Anyway, I'm not getting paid for this. Okay, reading assignments next!