resilience

My problem is that I keep on forgetting the reason why I am here at this point in my life. I know I choose this. I choose this because of some end most people would describe ridiculous. For a time, I was lost. School keeps breaking my soul, and people keep breaking my heart- people I barely know. I was attached, too attached, I say, to this point in my life. I keep on forgetting that this is just temporary. Of course, grades didn't help, and so do "friends " who are stuck in this glaring "reality" of college life. It's always difficult to point at something people can't see; where all there is to them is really how to understand themselves, the world, and how they fit in that world. I was stuck in that world too for a long while. It was hard to convince myself that there's something more everytime I see people killing themselves just to appropriate themselves with this reality. It was never my intention, in pursuing what I really want, to get a hold of a reality or an identity that will suit me, especially if this is because of some external arrangement of the world that I appropriate for myself. It was my intention to get at a real end, something beyond me (despite proofs that it seems impossible).

These past few weeks were difficult. I was trapped. But there's hope, always I think. There's this inner calm that reminds me of what my entire being is really after; that I'm not at all lost if this calm takes a hold of me. I wasn't myself. I think I'm back now.

ego-deflating incident

Today is an important day for this day reminds me how I'm up for the show when "speaking my thoughts" more than actually sharing knowledge. It's almost disgusting actually, but, of course, intially I was all defensive- on how I only interchanged GDP per capita to income compared to the poverty line. Now that might have been the case but, still, I wasn't thinking properly because I was all hyped to recite. I wasn't thinking properly at all. I just wanted to talk, thereby making the juniors laugh their guts out and letting the teacher down- because he taught the very exact same concept last sem. The Teach made it a point to stress how disappointed he was with the answer. It was humiliating, to say the very least.

Maybe I'm thinking more of the show rather than content of every supposedly intellectual diarrhea. Maybe that's the reason why I can't even inform my HS friends about concepts of development- err, substantially. Maybe I don't have enything to articulate, and I just want to seem like I know stuff! Maybe I feel bad not because I can't seem to say everything properly but because I don't appear as if I know stuff!

I don't know why I'm feeling really down lately. It's probably because my saturday sessions in payatas are not working out the way I envisioned them. Add to that my desperate efforts to try to belong to college- with all my faculties wanting to get out of it already, the added stress produced by drama people around me, two boring classes... Must focus. Must regain career mode.

paranoia-inducing socialization 2

Yesterday could qualify as one of the longest days of my life. But this entry is not about that. It's about one of those all-consuming female viciousness, of bitches as group mates. Oh, yes. It was back in high school for these girls baybeh, where claws are poised to claw out my eyes and my sharp tongue ready to strike. But there's no time for the latter. They simply are in my way. My second round shouldn't have been about dealing with such people.

I prefer to be confronted with whatever people want to say- in-your-face style. I feel so bad when people get to you by mere actions, backstabbing or, as it is in my group, dynamics. It's so fucked up and so high school. Ugh! One of them even makes a point to make you feel that it's all your fault. Why can't everyone agree that the end of the group work is not their already inflated egos (nor mine, but they argue otherwise), but something greater that we all contributed to attain?! Why can't people settle things by talking? My sister told me this is civilization. I agree. People are being backward.

So, yeah. Ironically, I shut up. Perhaps it's hypocrisy. But it's my prerogative to remain silent. They have a problem with me, not me with them. They should confront me- though I would probably start my famous ego deflating sermons when they do. It seems that every time there's something like this happening within immediate environment I withdraw. At the very least, "people" in "my world" excludes them. I shut up. And, what do you know? "The" world continues to function.