sanity. anytime. beybeh.

Gah.. I know, the title's a futile attempt at humor. I'm desperate. I need it. It's one of those let's-take-a-step-back-and-look-at-your-life moments. It's haunting me yet again. It's the -ber months. 3 months to go before the new year. I'm so anxious. It scares me that maybe this same day next year, I'd still feel stuck and unable to embarace life's supposed inexhaustible possibilities for bliss; that I'd feel like I haven't achieved anything substantial; or that I'd still feel like some outsider to the world.

Maybe I haven't done enough to really forget everything about my bitter and sordid past. Yuck. If I trully sum it up, it won't even amount to a 5-minute movie teaser really. What does it take to really really embrace all pain and really move forward? And I think it's not only the past. What is it now that keeps me from celebrating all thing?

Sometimes, I'm too angry that I forget what I'm angry about. And that's what's really funny I guess about this .

we're writing again- about the same things, again.

Can't sleep. Err, yet again. And this precipituous inclination to despair is in the air once more- after what could be a long and unabated (possibly) zest for post-school life. Heh, that bit over a year certainly had my head going the right way, I guess. I actually felt good. I wasn't exactly doing the same thing everyday for the last year, learning curve was challenging, and I find work (people, etc) quite tolerable and even fun, occasionally. That's prolly the longest time for A Clean, Well-lighted Place after that generally dreary and pointless college life. Point is, we're possibly on a journey yet again that'd retell how I came of out of sappy ego-diminishing sentimentalities back in the hay days.

Well, I want to believe that this schmaltziness should be some form of blessing. I've forgotten how I came to resolve all those puerile conundrums on life's "supposedly" evident (nauseating) aimlessness. this is a chance to really know that journey again - and write about it, getting me a deeper psychosis of myself. hopefully, it'd get me a better chance to reassess things, esp on whether I'm still game with the choice I made for myself 2 years ago- ah, hazy days... and suddenly a year has passed. Like I'm suddenly awake.

Gah. It's just that sad movie, yeah? And why the hell do I always bother to come off with a vague form of depth. I mean, isn't "vague form of depth" irony, even? Urk. Let's just get back to our venture on getting our value increase in the corporate world, which ceaselessly proves its usefulness and sterility, esp. when it comes to drying off those sappy emotionalities on who we really are, etc. We're just workers in cubicles dammit. money money money and, from time to
time, let's forcefully churn out gaeity from folks at work, friends and family. That's life in the 21st century. Exceptions either die out or infect us with their own version of life. Let's just welcome that wave. let's stop this pointless pseudo-intellectual middle-class ramblings already.

Maybe something fun for next time...

yeah, I think that physical journal I write to everyday is esentially neurotic. I need another medium to show my version of the world, one that makes me feel like I'm really talking to actual people. I know, what pathetic sort of yuppiness have I found myself dragged to.

updates updates...

Cya cya. Let's pretend I've been actually having a makeshift version of post-school life here, and consider the possibility that I've been preoccupied with the er... more predictable things in life, like keeping a job, resting in those few hours I can, which btw are becoming less and less, and "hanging out" or "chilling"- as one conyo friend (an ideal of sophistication and grace in the third world) would say- with highschool and college buddies, chances would be that I've a lot of reasons to put aside updating this blog. And, it would also mean that I've begun my descent towards banality and a state of dreams slipping away- a moot point I should say, but let's leave that to my next entry. And, more importantly, who cares anyway about this unabashed profusion of self-implicating factoids- a manner of self-aggrandizing if you consider it really. Harharhar!

Let's get on with the real meat of this entry. It's nothing juice- I mean, coming from me, what else would you expect right? Here's a brief summary of everything that's happened after my not-so-brief confinement in unemployed-employed limbo (a frustrating phase in the life of any would-be semi-responsible adult. *ahem ahem*:

1. I finally got the job that I think I can learn a lot from- after an
excruciating, vein-thumping, vomit-inducing and anxiety-causing six month worth
of waiting.

2. A week after getting the job, I got a call from two companies, one of which was my target NGO! The latter had an opening for a what could be a lousy secretarial/ coordinating job. So no.

3. Hosted our division's Christmas party! And they loved it! Well, at least that's what everyone kept telling me for the past few days. I led the organizing committee as well. We had a song and dance number, among other stupid things they made us newbies do. Harhar! And they enjoyed it a lot! And the hosting made everyone laughed- a lot, which gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. And, no, I'm not counting out the fact that this may just be paranoia setting in.

4. Made a lot of new friends in the workplace! Nice people, really.

5. Spotted someone new to obsess about. shyet, Shyet, SHYET! Let's have another one way love affair. But at least I don't obsess about that horror highschool story anymore. We're adults now. We move on. Gawd, I need to say that to out loud just to make sure it happens. Hahahaha!.

And of course, the list includes major spills about some friends:

6. Ken getting on with his month-long trip to Turkey, leaving me and Ka to fend for ourselves and have our now only two-some coffee sessions. Get back here immediately and help me placate her occasional sobbing/hysterical feats!

7. Sha getting a dip in the Ganges, and proving I was wrong in thinking it's polluted through and through.

8. Mariela getting back from Gensan, Japan, and China to Manila for a few days. Luckily, we had lunch to catch up on things in her life as a mgt trainee and mine as a lowly cubicle-bound programmer. She'd be off for Denmark again. Ugh, kaingit.

9. Ka getting a way too younger boyfriend. I thought, finally she have someone to boss around, after her er... rather traumatic and so inappropriate relationship with a way too older boyfriend not so long ago. Go Ka!

10. Finally got a hold of Diane Torres! She's into "events"- err.. don't ask. And She's also a model. That really threw me off. Some people do get prettier in their twenties.

11. Finally bought Christmas gifts for family using my own moolah! It feels great. Harharhar!