life as a classic novel

Or an Indian movie, where they get to squeeze in mini-mtvs to over-exaggerate (redundancy needed) the characters' emotions. Drama, drama. You've been processing it for more than two weeks already! That's way too much. There's no time and you know it. What about the next scene?! Get it? The next scene!

Ok. We get it. You're sad. Next chapter!

I don't really know how to get that career mode back. I guess I have to watch a lot of TV to get that queezy feeling. That will probably get me back on track- again. Or I probably need more vitamins and less caffeine. Experiment mode later. Magis= Karirin.

resilience

My problem is that I keep on forgetting the reason why I am here at this point in my life. I know I choose this. I choose this because of some end most people would describe ridiculous. For a time, I was lost. School keeps breaking my soul, and people keep breaking my heart- people I barely know. I was attached, too attached, I say, to this point in my life. I keep on forgetting that this is just temporary. Of course, grades didn't help, and so do "friends " who are stuck in this glaring "reality" of college life. It's always difficult to point at something people can't see; where all there is to them is really how to understand themselves, the world, and how they fit in that world. I was stuck in that world too for a long while. It was hard to convince myself that there's something more everytime I see people killing themselves just to appropriate themselves with this reality. It was never my intention, in pursuing what I really want, to get a hold of a reality or an identity that will suit me, especially if this is because of some external arrangement of the world that I appropriate for myself. It was my intention to get at a real end, something beyond me (despite proofs that it seems impossible).

These past few weeks were difficult. I was trapped. But there's hope, always I think. There's this inner calm that reminds me of what my entire being is really after; that I'm not at all lost if this calm takes a hold of me. I wasn't myself. I think I'm back now.

ego-deflating incident

Today is an important day for this day reminds me how I'm up for the show when "speaking my thoughts" more than actually sharing knowledge. It's almost disgusting actually, but, of course, intially I was all defensive- on how I only interchanged GDP per capita to income compared to the poverty line. Now that might have been the case but, still, I wasn't thinking properly because I was all hyped to recite. I wasn't thinking properly at all. I just wanted to talk, thereby making the juniors laugh their guts out and letting the teacher down- because he taught the very exact same concept last sem. The Teach made it a point to stress how disappointed he was with the answer. It was humiliating, to say the very least.

Maybe I'm thinking more of the show rather than content of every supposedly intellectual diarrhea. Maybe that's the reason why I can't even inform my HS friends about concepts of development- err, substantially. Maybe I don't have enything to articulate, and I just want to seem like I know stuff! Maybe I feel bad not because I can't seem to say everything properly but because I don't appear as if I know stuff!

I don't know why I'm feeling really down lately. It's probably because my saturday sessions in payatas are not working out the way I envisioned them. Add to that my desperate efforts to try to belong to college- with all my faculties wanting to get out of it already, the added stress produced by drama people around me, two boring classes... Must focus. Must regain career mode.