My problem is that I keep on forgetting the reason why I am here at this point in my life. I know I choose this. I choose this because of some end most people would describe ridiculous. For a time, I was lost. School keeps breaking my soul, and people keep breaking my heart- people I barely know. I was attached, too attached, I say, to this point in my life. I keep on forgetting that this is just temporary. Of course, grades didn't help, and so do "friends " who are stuck in this glaring "reality" of college life. It's always difficult to point at something people can't see; where all there is to them is really how to understand themselves, the world, and how they fit in that world. I was stuck in that world too for a long while. It was hard to convince myself that there's something more everytime I see people killing themselves just to appropriate themselves with this reality. It was never my intention, in pursuing what I really want, to get a hold of a reality or an identity that will suit me, especially if this is because of some external arrangement of the world that I appropriate for myself. It was my intention to get at a real end, something beyond me (despite proofs that it seems impossible).
These past few weeks were difficult. I was trapped. But there's hope, always I think. There's this inner calm that reminds me of what my entire being is really after; that I'm not at all lost if this calm takes a hold of me. I wasn't myself. I think I'm back now.