golden compass half-truths

I was chatting with a friend over Yahoo Messenger and another friend sent me this:

"gm!! Do not watch the movie, "The Golden Compass." The movie "The Golden Compass" starring Nicole Kidman is coming to theaters December 7th. It is based on the trilogy of books by atheist Phillip Pullman, of England, and is geared towards kids. He wants kids to denounce God and Heaven but he does it in a very subtle way that parents may not pick up on what his true intentions are. In a 2003 interview, Pullman said, "My books are about killing God." Please don't take your kids to see this movie!! Send this to EVERYONE you know!!! We need to get the word out about this movie and make sure that no one supports it!!!You'll be shocked, I'm sure. His beliefs are "dumbed-down" in such a way that even adults might not realize the deception before them,-gm"

You creepy fundamentalist Christian groups! It's as if imagination is banned in churches; and that discourse with the powers-that-be in established religion is wrong. Whoever composed this message seriously hasn't read the books. And yes it is true that the books eventually lead to killing god (remember, a merely as a character in a fiction!!!), but they aren't about saying religion is false. Don't they see that this movie can finally start an era for common people to engage religion? To ask what they should recognize as existing beyond this world? To really start a dialogue with dogmas various religions have fed us? I seriously have problems with these fundamentalist Christians. Urrgh. Don't they see that this movie (with the trilogy His Dark Materials) opens a chance for a more enlightened outloook in life for both believers and non-believers?!

rebels in makati... again.

They're at it again. I swear I didn't vote for Mr. Trillanes because I knew something like that would happen. And, ladies and gentlemen, this time it's another luxury hotel. It's the Manila Peninsula after Oakwood 3 years ago. I swear I was laughing my heart out when that CNN newscaster said in passing, while reporting about the Makati "siege", that "these guys sure like to get comfortable". Well, it seems like that. I mean, why hotels right? I don't get it. If he wanted to get a proper press conference, why didn't he do it in prison. That would sure look more romantic- perhaps heroic. Sure, we don't like the Mole of Asia but I really feel like people are tired after 3 Edsa's. So Mr. Trillanes, and to that other general who had been involved in other coup attempts in the past, you failed- and will fail I think in calling for people to support your agenda. Or perhaps we need more saintly personalities to lead us to the streets...

And the media. The media! They're at it again, glorifying their role in the country's democracy. Sure we monkeys know things because of them but sometimes, yes sometimes, they get to be the ones inciting anarchy or suicide, in the case of that well and wrongly publicized supposedly suicide case in Davao. And, ABS-CBN seems too fond of romanticizing their job, that "they were just doing their job to get the truth"; that they shouldn't have been arrested, etc. Whatever. Although true, it's not like the arrest of those mediamen was in anyway tantamount to tyranny or martial law. And boy do they convey such maudlin sentiments over the television... Perhaps, Maria Ressa missed a lot on Marcos real martial law.

almost in "the real world"

Okay. That was a bit more than two months of no blogging. And lots have happened since my last update: the ZTE scandal, Erap getting the executive clemency, the Glorietta explosion, bombing of the house of representative, etc... Yes, it sucks that despite all those creeping, seemingly vast and encompassing events (if you're a Pinoy), I find myself detached, trapped in this middle class drama of finding my way in the world (i.e. my life as of the moment). I mean the gore, the politics, the deaths and suffering. And that doesn't even in anyway paint the bigger picture- if there's even such a thing. It seems unfair. Anyway, I guess we've no choice but mark our own place in this bleak and random universe, maybe necessarily oblivious to all those things in the background. There's no 'The Story' afterall. Anyway.

I was actually hoping to get my thesis done before making another entry. That way, I thought, I could finally bash the school and its stupid teachers. Maybe a few, especially those entirely inisipid and self-absorbed ones. Nah. Just kidding. I even worship a few of them actually. Maybe a couple of jesuits and a teacher. Lol. Truth be told, I will miss that school, despite all those years distancing myself from its image (and you won't believe the amount of elitism and vain glory its students attach to themselves). Sure, I have not done my best most of the time, I may have spent months and months brooding about how college had been unbecoming of me, I may have spent most of the time procrastinating because of fucked-up courses and uninspiring teachers, but I really really learned a lot. So. Right. I will miss it. Okay, that's entirely right. Technically I'm still not done because of that thesis (yes, it's "that thesis" from now on because I've spent tons of energies writing it and it's still not sufficient, I just want to compile it and give it to ACED).

Yeah, there's no point in this entry afterall. Nothing has marked any "next page", "next chapter", or next-whatnot in my life. Not that I'm complaining or ungrateful but I'm still in this semi-limbo, excited and terrified in ending my college life, afraid that I might not like what I have planned for myself. This awful sense of foreboding and finality is flooding my nerves. Uck. Luckily, there's still some things to look forward to. One of those is The Golden Compass. lol. I've reread the book last week. I'm on Subtle Knife right now. The movie should live up to Pullman's talent. Damn New Line. I heard the director was forced to remove those anti-religious overtones...

urbanidad?!

Someone fainted inside the train on my way to school. Her eyes remained wide open after falling. It was freaky. Her knees bucked, her face livid. Luckily a large man catched her, right before her head hit the train floor. I hope she's doing ok. I was too busy studying for an exam I didn't notice anything until the girl beside me gasp.

Then I forgot about it for ten hours until now. Ten hours dedicated to the world of stupid exams, of pestilential professors, of my inexhaustible imagination for drama and tragedy- about myself of course... The ten hours that dwell on my measly personable version of the world. Such is life. It stares at you in the face and you forget about it right away.

about the golden compass

I feel like an original fan. I swear, until recently when the hype for Golden Compass movie has reached the airwave, television, etc, etc, it wasn't popular at all here in the Philippines. I read the book like five or six years years ago, and I was astounded as to why oh why Harry Potter remained more talked about than Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series, which includes The Golden Compass or Northern Lights as its first book. At school for instance, there were only 3 or 5 people who knew the series. Now, it's like everyone knows what's coming up in theaters this December seven. And people are actually reading the books! Not that it's a bad thing really, it's actually good now that I can talk to people about the books. I just feel like like all of them became fans only after New Line Cinema's successful marketing. I became a fan because I looked for the books years ago. I should be given an award or something.

Oh, and I'm a big fan of the books because they narrate this awesome story about growing up, how we approach life and how God figures in all of these. Here's an excerpt from an interview with Philip Pullman by Claudia FitzHerbert which so describes a major theme in the books:

FitzHerbert: "The Authority in 'His Dark Materials' is a force for repression throughout. What do you say to critics who ask where is the good that is done by religion?"

Pulman: "...The interesting - the curious - question is, if people can be helped by something that is palpably not true, is this better than denying the thing that is not true and not being helped? When I say palpably not true I am speaking from my perspective as an atheist. This perspective thing is important: if I compare the tiny amount of things that I know to all the things I don't know, then of course out there in the darkness there may be God. So from that perspective I'm an agnostic. But then, if we imagine being inside a camera coming closer and closer to this tiny pinprick of light - to the things that we do know - then as we come closer the pinprick gets bigger, as things do, until finally it reaches from horizon to horizon and we are standing inside the light. From this perspective - which is all the things I know - we can see quite clearly there is no God, so in that respect I'm an atheist..."

- Source: http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/pullman_08_07.html

what's a "job" on networking?

It turns out that the company I'm supposed to apply for was about "networking". I don't know the exact terminology for this one, but it's "very scam-able" in the Philippines. lol! I think it's essentially about earning by recruiting people- and you've got to pay to join. I think it's called "pyramiding" in this portion of the third world.

The hr rep was very particular that they were looking for "business partners" not employees. He said this after I mildly berated him over the phone about how he wasn't very good at explaining the kind of job people they're recruiting were suposed to fill. After learning from Ka that the company's about networking, I SMSed the hr rep about how I wasn't interested in such type of "profession" (yes we need those quotation marks). I lied saying that I would be attending another interview for a more clear-cut kind of employment (as a research assistant) later this afternoon instead.

Uck. And that intriguing Senate Inquiries in school later today was cancelled because people wouldn't be in school. Classes have been cancelled for three days already due to storms. I swear, people should stop praying for rain.

priorities

I can finally write about actual life scenarios now that my self-aggrandizing mode is over. I'll be having a job interview/seminar(?) for some fictitious company. Their hr rep called the other day telling me about how Nikolai, who was a high school batchmate, reffered me to their company. It could possibly spell cash I thought. So I entertained him. He singularly told me that they were an American company, that they distribute imports, and that an orientation would be held on friday (tomorrow). I said I would go, despite my teeming suspicions. What added to this was the nervousness of the rep. He seemed jittery with all those ass-kissing remarks for me. The company's name's something like Synergy1 International. The meeting's supposed to be on 15th floor Octagon Center, Ortigas. Just in case I die tomorrow, the above details some of their modus operandi.

I really hope I won't waste time. I'm wishing this won't be another call center company. Ugh. I dropped attending the Senate Inquiries (something about pertinent issues of the youth today) with Winnie Monsod, Sen. Estrada, Sen. Pangilinan, et al in school tomorrow. I scheduled this would-be-job-offer instead. This should be good.

metaphysical hullabaloo

Last Wednesday, after having coffee and the usual endless chit-chats with some high school buddies, I decided to write something about outgrowing your best friends. I even wrote something in my journal (the physical one, obviously). It was something like noticing their limits and that, because of these limits, they won't ever understand you. They will remain trap in their own world, defending how they understand things. But I decided otherwise. I decided not to pursue the thought.

I mean, friendship's not supposed to be about who's at your level or whether you understand things in the same way. And, at that, I'm not even questioning this ludicrous notion of how to arrange people in your own version of the world. They may never understand me the way I want them to but it doesn't mean I can't remain believing that they're probably one of the few people who can.

On a related string of thought. I read from another friend's article(?) something about finding beauty/meaning etc in the totality revealed to us. I was like " been there done that" while reading the rest of her entry. It was about her mother, which I thought was very thoughtful and nice, but I utterly disagree with this. I think it's pretense to think that you actually know how everyone fits perfectly well in this totality presented to you; and the way it was written was all semi-poetic, which adds to that drama of finding beauty. But, to be fair, she's in her junior year. I was thinking the same thing when I was her age, I think. I understood Aletheia that way too (or maybe I just didn’t understand what she really meant). But beauty is something else, I guess. It's not about notions of systems or worlds and how what you see fits in that whole. It's mere recognition that something other than yourself is right in front of you, without you trying to define it. It's something that escapes- this to me is beauty.

meanwhile, on the physical plane

Classes are suspended tomorrow. This only means one thing. It means that students shall efficiently make use of it to further their efforts procrastinating. To me, it means that I'll have more time making a career out of staging a storm-in-a-teacup coup d'etat in Perspectives in Development class 2 (?). It turns out that I'm not the only one who feels the skul-bukol syndrome every time recitation starts. We (I think 7 of us) plan on having a group study before class time and a scripted recitation during class. We can't take it anymore; anyone can just speak up mindlessly despite not having anything read for the class- and this doesn't motivate us to read. Some of us actually want to learn. But of course, we only plan on having a real good discussion during class time. We actually believe in the teacher, really. We're not planning to murder him of course. We're a Christian university after all.

In other news, it's official. My long motivated tendency to label my thesis adviser a bully has sufficiently been substantiated by the rather acerbic combination of tongue-lashing homily about punctuality and shameless cathartic display of disappointment he made hours ago during our thesis advisement session. There we were, with the three of us eyes boring the shiny surface of the conference table while he lambasted the fourth member of our group. Mr. Fourth Member, after barely recovering from the unanticipated vituperation, tried to sound enthusiastic about submitting the next installment for his thesis, but to no avail. Mr. Thesis Adviser, after dismissing excuses on meager improvements since Mr. Fourth member's last submission, asked him to "JUST LEAVE". I swear, I even saw Mr. Thesis Adviser emit a hint of black smoke through his nose. And, I half expected Mr. Fourth Member to just voluntarily keel over and decapitate himself- I mean I would if I was in his place. I was half-wishing the session to end and half-restraining myself to crack a joke to happily conclude round one. But, Mr. Fourth Member had already "walked out" and the ominous black smoke was already gone.

I'd say it was unnecessary, even bordering on the theatrical. I'd even say that it went beyond his habit of deflating students' egos. (And seriously, If you'd permit a bit of drama, I'd say he went from mere ego deflation to really breaking the poor guy's spirit.) It may also be that I'm once again not in tune with the times. Is humiliation the current trend for motivating slackers these days? I must watch more TV.

"san na u? hir na me."

I swear. Something's definitely wrong. It's been always a pleasure hanging out with people who speak alien language. No, not particulary foreign but the bastardization of Filipino and English language. It's not taglish (Tagalog-English). It's something similar with a touch of gay lingo. Something is wrong because I'm getting an unusal amount of these kinds of conversations on a daily basis. Examples:

- Adiktus Pekinesis na naman ang drama nyang babaeng yan.
- Walang pera ang beauty ko! Hindi tama.
(Thanks Audrey for the line!)
- Kawawa the poor people.
- Fayatolah khoumenei yung bagets
- Paahbolous!

And...

Q: What do you call an ugly Filipina (Pinay)?
A: Aglipay.

Q: Ano ang tawag sa gwapong foreigner na may kasmang Pilipina panget?
A: Sagot, Success story.

- By someone from AISEC in Celadon room. He was chatting with a Korean exchange student while the rest of us were busy listening to every word he was saying.

I swear, hindi ko kinaya. I feel quite devastated knowing the only funny thing I can pull of is Ms. Annabel Rama's "Ropaaah" accent. I mean that doesn't even run romotely parallel with this breed of language. I'm mastering the the Visayan accent though. Must have patience. I'd rather have that accent that adapt to the conyo language popular among kids these days (e.g. "Ang Paaahni mo!"). So there, pare.

konti pa

Well things are starting to get better, at least. That's something to be grateful for. Yes, I think I'm very near getting back on track, maybe be not on a high note, but I'm getting there. Alright. Enough drama. I must not lose momentum.

it's a.k.a. ambition

Okay. Fine. I think a part of it is vanity. Anyway, the most important thing is that I (re)learned today that I've become too detached to feel that I'm actually giving something or wanting to give. I used to be an empath. I'm not kidding. That's what you can become I think when you go through a Buddhist elementary and high school- all that hype about human suffering, it gets to kid's mind I think. I used to be super sensitive on human emotions. What ever happened to me?! Well, yeah, I went to college. They taught us how idealogies drive emotions, Foucault-inspired rationalization, etc, etc. I became me. Cool. But only for a some time. Whenever friends would share problems- which time and time again would boil down to how sorry they are for themselves- I would always berate them on all these psuedo-intellectual bullshit. I lost that initial response(intinct?) to actually feel for the other person- no matter how foolish or selfish his/her reasons for being lonely were.

Something happened that changed me. Yep, today I got inspired by a friend's kindness. I swear, her simple gesture of letting those 2 kids sit beside her in the train was something, well after telling me her story of how she didn't want them to feel how she felt when adults would bully her in the train when she was kid. Basta. And that's just one of her gestures. And her stories were wow- well besides the skull crack accident, of course (lol). Well, of course this led to further brooding here and there. And I thought I lost that, etc.

I thought this is most essential if I want to do what I plan for myself to do. Why not really see what's going on in the streets, in my own neighborhood, before reading all those heinous elaboration on world hunger, aids, etc- before all those abstractions. Why not look at the people sitting, walking beside you and think how would you feel if he/she is you? Yes, acting on this intial care may have have it's downfall. But, isn't this initial care the foremost element to removing pain and suffering? (Maybe it has something to do with exclusive spaces (hello? the hill?) we go to everyday. And no, I didn't watch Obama on Oprah's show?!)

daluyan entry

I thought I'd share my entry to Daluyan, ISO's (Institute of Social Order) yearly publication. Every volunteer last summer was supposed to write an entry about his/her experiences:

Introspection: Rethinking Idealism
By Eric Uy

It turned out that my month-long volunteer work for ISO was anything but immersion in programs for areas in Quezon or Camarines Norte. They weren’t able to squeeze me because two volunteers had already confirmed for programs- and they were only supposed to have one volunteer for each location. I was devastated. I was expecting something akin to involvement with community development projects. But luck was against me. For the most part, I was confined to a computer station, squeezing the littlest drop of creativity I had to redesign their website. I was more than apprehensive about this daunting task. It had been a very long time since I last flaunted my skills on Flash or Photoshop- not to mention that I have to learn how to use Dreamweaver!

Things started to get better eventually. My long forgotten fervor for design was rekindled, and I was actually building tangible skills for web design. What’s more was that I got to know the people behind ISO, people who have dedicated their lives to social development, people whose lives may inspire me in choosing what to do after college. These became more than a consolation for not making it to the immersion program. Luck was actually on my side.

When I, along with the other three volunteers, chanced on having some of the staff for a casual chit-chat over mirienda, my initial interest in their lives took another turn. I had to ask what motivates them in their job. That particular question was loaded with our notions of “the development worker”. I was surprised to hear that it’s not exactly their original idealism that inspires them. Ate Ging, coordinator for IFARMC Lamon Bay, for instance mentioned that it’s the joy with fellow co-workers that inspires her to retain and do her job well. Ate Norie, Value-based Education officer, on the other hand, said that it’s not about the vision of what it is to be developed for the people ISO assists; it’s the feeling of being with the people of the community as they improve that drives her- no matter how small those improvements maybe. Ultimately, she said, that grand vision of development wouldn’t be tangible- not in her lifetime at least, she comically shared.

On development work, I had in mind toiling everyday to create a society where everyone has equal chance to better his or her life. I guess youth has something to do with this arguably naïve notion of development- evidently a close resemblance appeared in the younger ISO staff. Perhaps my real question was how would I endure a career on social development? Would the sort of idealism I have suffice to motivate me to go to work everyday? Will this kind of idealism last or is it merely transitory? What would my motivation be in working if my grand notion of development wouldn’t materialize?

Reality check. It was foolish to assume that the life I would lead should be solely based on this notion of idealism, on making sure that everything I do would be in line with this particular vision. I realized that development work is life like any pursuit of any vocation; that it’s about the people you do it for and with more than the idea of pursuing something good. I can say that the same thing seemed to take precedence between ISO and the people of Jomalig, whose company I enjoyed for a very brief period.

Knowing the people behind ISO enabled me to rethink my kind of idealism. I realized that while the vision of development could remain intangible, people who you do it with and for could certainly couldn’t. What’s more is that they can reveal pieces of that grand vision. It became something to look forward to in the future. Post-graduation scenario seems less dreary and more exciting. Those precious conversations enlightened me on what development work really- or more accurately what it is not solely about.

So it happens that after my volunteer work didn’t only let me regain some of the skills I’ve long forgotten and develop new ones, it also opened my eyes that to what’s in store after college, which I need very much in my senior year. Most importantly, the people I spent my month-long volunteer work have made me recognize that it’s people that matters in the future I’m planning for myself- not the idea of me pursuing something grand. Thanks to all ISO staff for this great experience!

100th post (kariran na pls?!)

Fine. Enough drama already. It's a shame that something had to slap me on the cheek just to wake me from this awful torpor. There's nothing to be sad about. There are a lot of things to fear. But that never justifies retreat. And awful self-pity just need some Foucault-inspired rationalization techniques. Eyelaavet!

I have to prove that I can do this, else I'd be sorry for the rest of my life. I know this is really the beginning of my story. I'm glad I can say this time that it'll be my story, despite all hardships this decision would certainly entail. Drama, drama, etc. The point is I know where I want to go. The awful things that seem to distract/obstruct me pales beside this amazing certainty.

I need more things to energize me, to make me want this more, to not let everything essential slip away. I don't need drama- or, better, I need to reread F's words again. I swear, anti-depressant.

so long and good luck people

Okay, all that hype for the last three weeks went for nothing. Beach time with high school friends this saturday's cancelled. I don't understand why o why every plan we had for the past how-many-years to get together for dinner, movie or outing had always been unsuccesful or postponed indefinitely. It's getting to point of frustration and I want to give up on them already. Actually, I think most of us have already given up on staying as a group of friends. Yes, these things get to me. Now, I'm confused on whether they really saved me or made me more miserable by befriending me (well it was more like I was desperate for people to rescue me from high school hell). So, there. I give up. I very rarely give up on people. But I guess after all that trouble of trying to make myself relevant to them and vise versa, I can give them up now. Wow, I can actually get tired of people.

So yeah, I think I'll live after this mini drama. If I see them in my future I'll say hi or hello, but I don't think I would want to let them immerse in all my complexities anymore- that is, if I still have depth after years of pursuing a simplistic story for my life. Arghness.

where's my pot of gold?

Yes. It's moments like this when I want to write a guide book on manufacturing depression. I think I'm the best person to write such kinds of things. I mean, really, most of the things that let me down are done by myself; even the things that limit what I can do are practically self-imposed. It's all about a story I crafted for myself. It limits me to explore things beyond that may guarantee happiness. It's frustrating and I can't get out of it. I'll die sad and regret my twenty-something years for the rest of my life. I think I mean that. But I'm okay with everything- I mean "okay" in the sense that I've accepted certain limitations and be grateful for the beautiful people in my life. I feel thankful but I feel sorry for myself from time to time- which is stupid I know, but there's really inescapable prisons. Yes brothers, I think this is on an existential level, not on roles or identities to assume.

My God, I feel so fake- I mean, after all that near fanaticism. The story is supposed to be a happy ending. Months ago, I was so convinced that this will lead me to something I've been longing for. But bumps on the road pointed somewhere else. And now, major things are happening, pointing me to that somewhere else. Yes, I thought maybe it just means that I'm lacking that fire I had, but doesn't this weakening zeal mean something? This is where all those sad thoughts come from- dwindling on the road to my story's end and not seeing any hint of that pot of gold. Then I begin doubting myself.

Nobody pointed me here, I swear. I know I want this, but things seem to say otherwise. Maybe it's only the idea of myself in this story that I want and not the actual things that I do or may do? Or maybe it's the things that I may miss in pursuing this story that make me dwindle and doubt myself. Do I really want this? I earnestly pray for that moment when all things are clear and I know what I really really want and know I can do it. I'm not having that kind of clarity and blessing for some time now.

to the beach!

Eight am tomorrow will be another day at work. It's quarter to midnight now and I'm packing for Tuesday trip/work to Jomalig, Quezon, An island South East of Manila). The stay will last for four days and three nights. Tomorrow Munday after work will be spent at a dorm somewhere in campus (QC). The bosses said that this would be easier than staying at home (Manila) since call time on tuesday is four am. Crap. Dorm is something weird- sleeping outside home is never comfortable. And, even worse, is the trip that will last for eight hours. Four hours on the van and four hours on boat. Uck.

On a positive note, Coral reefs! I am going to the beach after more than a decade! I'm excited. Plus, K will be at work tomorrow. She's another intern/volunteer (I'm not sure what we're formally called). I won't feel weird anymore. The interview with people of Bantay Dagat (Marine Watch) is also something to look forward to. But, I'm still a bit wary about my detachable arm and food come Tuesday. I'm not brave about these things.

Okay, I shall continue packing stuff now. I'm awful at these things. I always end up bringing more than what's necessary. Wish me luck!

ultra relieved!

So the grades came out yesterday. Mine averaged at 3.0, not including the part one of my thesis course, which is * (will work on it this summer). I felt ultra relieved. After November's depress-depressan incident, a cascade of mishaps followed: the fake wars with groupmates, ego-deflating incidents, frequent 20-minute lates every 730 class, etc. etc. I thought this sem's grade would ultimately reflect my failure to gear up. So this is more than ok. And, since I didn't work my ass off this semester- possibly because of the depression from the stupid 0.05 missing last 1st semester (in addition to the ones mentioned above)- I feel great!

(This is getting frustrating. I'm not really a grade conscious person, who thinks that A's should define the good student, etc. etc. No, I'm not that. But the world thinks that way, and I'm playing its game. I might as well subject myself to this rather damaging environment to get what I'm really after.)

But more importantly, I got a B in his class! And, that's a bit rare, well, less rarer that an A or a B+, but still rare- I worked my ass off last last semester and he only gave me a C+! I couldn't believe The B at first, so I cross-checked between his records and mine. They matched! I was so happy! The class only had seven people who got C+'s or higher, one A and one or two B+'s and then two B's I think. He's really strict, which is both cool and irritating ( A classmate late afternoon yesterday ontimated how one of his essays were marked "yours ideas can't go further"). I mean, I both look up to and detest him, so I'm glad I'm 'technically' good in his class.

emotional lapses

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got a hold of a friend to spill my brains to. Actually, it turned out more like me blabbering all the inanities I had been brooding about last week. Add to that additional drama, of stories of break-ups (Not mine of course, not that I have to mention this of course.), myths of the good son and daughter, and, of course, my extroverted introverted second guessing- of myself! We even got to a sort of Maalaala Mo Kaya moment at the Starbucks(!) near Binondo Church. I mean, how un-telenovela-ish right? It could have been somewhere more dramatic- like in her dining room in front of her parents (just kidding Ka! hehe!). It was frustrating and fun, which proved a good combination during the long long conversation.

But I still lack company. I mean, I have a lot of things I've been brooding about without anyone to share them to. Okay, they may not necesarily contribute to bringing about world peace but they may be worth people hearing them- to confirm that I am indeed sane. Okay, I'm desperate. This pseudo-journal (i.e. blog) is really an outlet for such thoughts, but I can't divulge everything here because I'd feel like I'm writing for a show. When I talk to people I really really value or look up to, I feel like I'm confirming my ideas, thereby making me rethink them by actually getting responses. Books and writing are too limited for me, but I'm definitely not ruling out that some thoughts or sentimentalities can only be resolved through such media.

Phonecalls are too restricting (not to mention that my ears hurt after 30 mins of usage) and YM's odd. Hopefully, I'd get to have more chitchats this week. I'll be in school on thursday, hopefully I'll see my fave peeps (please, please don't let the witches bump into me). I also sort of scheduled meeting Om, Ka, Mariel, and Andz. Weird. I seem less thrilled about talking now that I've written about my excitement. Oh well, maybe I'm just excied about this week.

career mode- 2/5 done

Hyper mode. In rsf right now. Tummy aches. Haven't eaten anything since slice of bread this am. Head a bit dizzy. Zero sleep. Went to starbucks for orals. No teacher present. Bo's coffee. nada. Sarado pol sci dept! Got txt msg from teach. Ok, Dela Costa pala. Done with the orals. He asked about Foucault! So happy! He said excellent! I hope he wasn't being sarcastic. Done with DS long test. Felt stupid. Finished early. Hoping for the best. Boss asked for my thesis. Promised to do it tomorrow. Interview for ISO 4pm. Will watch 300 later! Yey!

time management skills

Cramming for a paper.

Had coffee. Super panic mode.

Why didn't I start this last week?!!!

Na-depress ako last week and last last week.

Brain was in self-pity mode.

Was not functional for two weeks.

Got my right arm dislocated last last week- for the nth time already!

Why why why?!

Still panicking.

Putangina talaga.

life as a classic novel

Or an Indian movie, where they get to squeeze in mini-mtvs to over-exaggerate (redundancy needed) the characters' emotions. Drama, drama. You've been processing it for more than two weeks already! That's way too much. There's no time and you know it. What about the next scene?! Get it? The next scene!

Ok. We get it. You're sad. Next chapter!

I don't really know how to get that career mode back. I guess I have to watch a lot of TV to get that queezy feeling. That will probably get me back on track- again. Or I probably need more vitamins and less caffeine. Experiment mode later. Magis= Karirin.

resilience

My problem is that I keep on forgetting the reason why I am here at this point in my life. I know I choose this. I choose this because of some end most people would describe ridiculous. For a time, I was lost. School keeps breaking my soul, and people keep breaking my heart- people I barely know. I was attached, too attached, I say, to this point in my life. I keep on forgetting that this is just temporary. Of course, grades didn't help, and so do "friends " who are stuck in this glaring "reality" of college life. It's always difficult to point at something people can't see; where all there is to them is really how to understand themselves, the world, and how they fit in that world. I was stuck in that world too for a long while. It was hard to convince myself that there's something more everytime I see people killing themselves just to appropriate themselves with this reality. It was never my intention, in pursuing what I really want, to get a hold of a reality or an identity that will suit me, especially if this is because of some external arrangement of the world that I appropriate for myself. It was my intention to get at a real end, something beyond me (despite proofs that it seems impossible).

These past few weeks were difficult. I was trapped. But there's hope, always I think. There's this inner calm that reminds me of what my entire being is really after; that I'm not at all lost if this calm takes a hold of me. I wasn't myself. I think I'm back now.

ego-deflating incident

Today is an important day for this day reminds me how I'm up for the show when "speaking my thoughts" more than actually sharing knowledge. It's almost disgusting actually, but, of course, intially I was all defensive- on how I only interchanged GDP per capita to income compared to the poverty line. Now that might have been the case but, still, I wasn't thinking properly because I was all hyped to recite. I wasn't thinking properly at all. I just wanted to talk, thereby making the juniors laugh their guts out and letting the teacher down- because he taught the very exact same concept last sem. The Teach made it a point to stress how disappointed he was with the answer. It was humiliating, to say the very least.

Maybe I'm thinking more of the show rather than content of every supposedly intellectual diarrhea. Maybe that's the reason why I can't even inform my HS friends about concepts of development- err, substantially. Maybe I don't have enything to articulate, and I just want to seem like I know stuff! Maybe I feel bad not because I can't seem to say everything properly but because I don't appear as if I know stuff!

I don't know why I'm feeling really down lately. It's probably because my saturday sessions in payatas are not working out the way I envisioned them. Add to that my desperate efforts to try to belong to college- with all my faculties wanting to get out of it already, the added stress produced by drama people around me, two boring classes... Must focus. Must regain career mode.

paranoia-inducing socialization 2

Yesterday could qualify as one of the longest days of my life. But this entry is not about that. It's about one of those all-consuming female viciousness, of bitches as group mates. Oh, yes. It was back in high school for these girls baybeh, where claws are poised to claw out my eyes and my sharp tongue ready to strike. But there's no time for the latter. They simply are in my way. My second round shouldn't have been about dealing with such people.

I prefer to be confronted with whatever people want to say- in-your-face style. I feel so bad when people get to you by mere actions, backstabbing or, as it is in my group, dynamics. It's so fucked up and so high school. Ugh! One of them even makes a point to make you feel that it's all your fault. Why can't everyone agree that the end of the group work is not their already inflated egos (nor mine, but they argue otherwise), but something greater that we all contributed to attain?! Why can't people settle things by talking? My sister told me this is civilization. I agree. People are being backward.

So, yeah. Ironically, I shut up. Perhaps it's hypocrisy. But it's my prerogative to remain silent. They have a problem with me, not me with them. They should confront me- though I would probably start my famous ego deflating sermons when they do. It seems that every time there's something like this happening within immediate environment I withdraw. At the very least, "people" in "my world" excludes them. I shut up. And, what do you know? "The" world continues to function.

the inner mickey mouse

i just thought of updating. I'm finally done with Princess Hours. I can now really study and sleep properly. It's not working though. I'm still quite the slacker. But, after that rather pseudo-sappy/ joke-ba-toh? mini speech by Doc A about mediocrity and the deteriorating quality of students up the hill, I'm geared- err... more- to learn and study. I mean, how many college peeps actually read for their classes these days? Oh, and he actually pointed out archers are way better in research. bleh! It's according to some magazine ranking asian universities. Ugh, I feel so incompetent- that I'm actually going to study right after blogging (note: it's a friday today).

Anyway, about the title. Yes, I think I have the inner mickey mouse. I notice it especially when i'm with kids. They seem to like me. But I still believe that it's because I actually take part in their stupid games, unlike most peeps my age, not that I have something deep within me, etc- the usual blah about the soul thing or genes. Whatever. Uhm, where was I? Oh, and I actually notice that I enjoy to make people laugh- not that I'm always successful in that part, but I can say I'm quite successful with kids.

So, I've been thinking- not the drama-type- a lot about what NGOs to apply for after October. It's really difficult. I want both research and community development. I'm confused. I also want to take an M.A. abroad and work for an int'l org eventually. Sana talaga! For now, I need to work hard. (For tomorrow, Eragon at the movies! Yey! Hehe!)

happy new year!

I was thinking something dramatic, as in sappy dramatic, to write. But, let's leave all that to the year that's passed. I'm hoping for a great year. More action less drama. Yeah, my problem for the last few years was that I spent most of my time thinking about things. Now that I've settled most of things that bug me, mentally that is, I'm prepared to take more action. I must take resolve in getting out of my psychical reality and really experience whatever the world has to offer. Ok, that's getting too emotional already. Hehe!

So, one of my major goals for the year is to get 2 jobs for my summer internship program. The other is to finally (hopefully) get my DS diploma. Then it's adventure again after that. I'm both afraid and excited. This is really positive considering that I was half-suicidal last year, minutes away from finishing my MIS undergrad career. I'm already thinking about employment this time. Hah! I've too much semi-long term plans! I haven't even started on a paper due this thursday and a book report this weekend. Career mode na dapat by 5pm today!

Here are some other things I'll do (not "try to do") this year (New Year's resolutions!): fulfill promises, do homeworks in advance, update my blog at least once a week, read more non-fic (hehe!), build lasting friendships (Uck! But really...), build independence, and save more. Sana talaga mangyari!