The Identity Myth

ondoy (part i)

2009-09-26T21:30:00.007+08:00

(Sta. Cruz Manila. Bagyong Ondoy. From my physical journal.)

I'm convinced. It's a foreshadowing of the imminent parousia!!!

Oh, yes. That would be the 20th time my phone has chimed, indicating low battery. But fuck, electricity's been out since 2 pm this afternoon. 5 minutes more and my phone'd be out, and landline's cut as well because of this fucken typhoon. I'm dying to phone people and read up on what's happening to the world!

I tried getting out- to charge the batts, get some more candles and coffee. The first time I tried getting out was actually around 4pm. But fuck! The ground floor was flooded with putrid rainwater; fucken gray, mixed with filth and unmentionables. I hesistated and got back because I thought I couldn't take plunging my legs in that filth. The flood only looked as if it could barely reach my knees then.

The second was minutes ago, around 9pm. I got downstairs and found that the ground floor was flooded with crotch-high flood already. But I was desperate. At home, I only had candles, a book to read, and only a few bread and fruits left for dinner (I was alone. Our househelper stayed in our other home in Nova). I needed food and communication really badly. I changed into shorts, braved the flood, submerged my legs in those murky waters.

But faaaaaaaak!!! When I reached the gates, I saw that they- our ever-failing security guards (yes, we need an escapegoat)- had barricaded the building from outside, with what looked like assortment of chunks in rice sacks. I thought that was weird and extreme, considering we were already some significant 3 -4 feet higher than the actual street. I thought the flood inside were mere rainfall collected inside the building, etc, etc.

It was dark. So it was only when I hurdled over the barricades when I witnessed that the entire length our street was covered with dark water!! Hur! It was like setting food on a riverbank! Possibly waist to chest-high if I had stood on the pavement.

I retreated, feeling defeated, snorting at that awful joke heaven had sent.

So I'm here on my bed trying to write with candles. I want to get out now! But I'm willing to bet that those stupid fat-headed and pot-bellied city officials won't have a solution immediately. And, tomorrow's too early for the third world. I'm also sure that somewhere nearby, other people are prolly having tougher problems in the face of this typhoon. God, save us all.

sanity. anytime. beybeh.

2009-09-10T22:40:00.004+08:00

Gah.. I know, the title's a futile attempt at humor. I'm desperate. I need it. It's one of those let's-take-a-step-back-and-look-at-your-life moments. It's haunting me yet again. It's the -ber months. 3 months to go before the new year. I'm so anxious. It scares me that maybe this same day next year, I'd still feel stuck and unable to embarace life's supposed inexhaustible possibilities for bliss; that I'd feel like I haven't achieved anything substantial; or that I'd still feel like some outsider to the world.

Maybe I haven't done enough to really forget everything about my bitter and sordid past. Yuck. If I trully sum it up, it won't even amount to a 5-minute movie teaser really. What does it take to really really embrace all pain and really move forward? And I think it's not only the past. What is it now that keeps me from celebrating all thing?

Sometimes, I'm too angry that I forget what I'm angry about. And that's what's really funny I guess about this .

we're writing again- about the same things, again.

2009-06-05T01:09:00.002+08:00

Can't sleep. Err, yet again. And this precipituous inclination to despair is in the air once more- after what could be a long and unabated (possibly) zest for post-school life. Heh, that bit over a year certainly had my head going the right way, I guess. I actually felt good. I wasn't exactly doing the same thing everyday for the last year, learning curve was challenging, and I find work (people, etc) quite tolerable and even fun, occasionally. That's prolly the longest time for A Clean, Well-lighted Place after that generally dreary and pointless college life. Point is, we're possibly on a journey yet again that'd retell how I came of out of sappy ego-diminishing sentimentalities back in the hay days.

Well, I want to believe that this schmaltziness should be some form of blessing. I've forgotten how I came to resolve all those puerile conundrums on life's "supposedly" evident (nauseating) aimlessness. this is a chance to really know that journey again - and write about it, getting me a deeper psychosis of myself. hopefully, it'd get me a better chance to reassess things, esp on whether I'm still game with the choice I made for myself 2 years ago- ah, hazy days... and suddenly a year has passed. Like I'm suddenly awake.

Gah. It's just that sad movie, yeah? And why the hell do I always bother to come off with a vague form of depth. I mean, isn't "vague form of depth" irony, even? Urk. Let's just get back to our venture on getting our value increase in the corporate world, which ceaselessly proves its usefulness and sterility, esp. when it comes to drying off those sappy emotionalities on who we really are, etc. We're just workers in cubicles dammit. money money money and, from time to
time, let's forcefully churn out gaeity from folks at work, friends and family. That's life in the 21st century. Exceptions either die out or infect us with their own version of life. Let's just welcome that wave. let's stop this pointless pseudo-intellectual middle-class ramblings already.

Maybe something fun for next time...

yeah, I think that physical journal I write to everyday is esentially neurotic. I need another medium to show my version of the world, one that makes me feel like I'm really talking to actual people. I know, what pathetic sort of yuppiness have I found myself dragged to.

updates updates...

2008-12-26T14:23:00.002+08:00

Cya cya. Let's pretend I've been actually having a makeshift version of post-school life here, and consider the possibility that I've been preoccupied with the er... more predictable things in life, like keeping a job, resting in those few hours I can, which btw are becoming less and less, and "hanging out" or "chilling"- as one conyo friend (an ideal of sophistication and grace in the third world) would say- with highschool and college buddies, chances would be that I've a lot of reasons to put aside updating this blog. And, it would also mean that I've begun my descent towards banality and a state of dreams slipping away- a moot point I should say, but let's leave that to my next entry. And, more importantly, who cares anyway about this unabashed profusion of self-implicating factoids- a manner of self-aggrandizing if you consider it really. Harharhar!

Let's get on with the real meat of this entry. It's nothing juice- I mean, coming from me, what else would you expect right? Here's a brief summary of everything that's happened after my not-so-brief confinement in unemployed-employed limbo (a frustrating phase in the life of any would-be semi-responsible adult. *ahem ahem*:

1. I finally got the job that I think I can learn a lot from- after an
excruciating, vein-thumping, vomit-inducing and anxiety-causing six month worth
of waiting.
2. A week after getting the job, I got a call from two companies, one of which was my target NGO! The latter had an opening for a what could be a lousy secretarial/ coordinating job. So no.
3. Hosted our division's Christmas party! And they loved it! Well, at least that's what everyone kept telling me for the past few days. I led the organizing committee as well. We had a song and dance number, among other stupid things they made us newbies do. Harhar! And they enjoyed it a lot! And the hosting made everyone laughed- a lot, which gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. And, no, I'm not counting out the fact that this may just be paranoia setting in.
4. Made a lot of new friends in the workplace! Nice people, really.
5. Spotted someone new to obsess about. shyet, Shyet, SHYET! Let's have another one way love affair. But at least I don't obsess about that horror highschool story anymore. We're adults now. We move on. Gawd, I need to say that to out loud just to make sure it happens. Hahahaha!.

And of course, the list includes major spills about some friends:
6. Ken getting on with his month-long trip to Turkey, leaving me and Ka to fend for ourselves and have our now only two-some coffee sessions. Get back here immediately and help me placate her occasional sobbing/hysterical feats!
7. Sha getting a dip in the Ganges, and proving I was wrong in thinking it's polluted through and through.
8. Mariela getting back from Gensan, Japan, and China to Manila for a few days. Luckily, we had lunch to catch up on things in her life as a mgt trainee and mine as a lowly cubicle-bound programmer. She'd be off for Denmark again. Ugh, kaingit.
9. Ka getting a way too younger boyfriend. I thought, finally she have someone to boss around, after her er... rather traumatic and so inappropriate relationship with a way too older boyfriend not so long ago. Go Ka!
10. Finally got a hold of Diane Torres! She's into "events"- err.. don't ask. And She's also a model. That really threw me off. Some people do get prettier in their twenties.
11. Finally bought Christmas gifts for family using my own moolah! It feels great. Harharhar!

the drama continues (in my head of course)

2008-08-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

Sabi nga ni Mr. McLaughlin,

"A life goes by.
Romantic dreams must die.
And I bid mine goodbye..."

And to think just last thursday I watched that stupid X-Files movie with a friend. Something about not giving up, losing it, not surrendering to whatever darkness-hooblah Scully was blabbering about. But I got it. I Knew- whatever the hell they were talking about. Very Gabriel Marcel. A different kind of surrender. A surender that puts a premium on action- not on despair (the film puts some more ellipses on The God Issue, but what the hell). And now, this equally ridic song.

Shet. That's something. That's the universe telling me something crucial.

And the song doesn't end there either. Just like a possible trajectory of my life, the song continues,

"... So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you.
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close."

And ends with,

"We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end.
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close.
So close
And still so far."

Psychotherapy. Anyone?

tell me it's my story

2008-05-24T23:25:00.006+08:00

Fortunately- or unfortunately, depending on my mood- I'm still here wandering among well-trained docile bodies of the work world. I don't find it depressing, but I still flinch at the idea that I'd be doing the same the thing for the rest of my life. And(!) I'm not even at the point of doing actual work err... efficiently,which is practically a tell tale sign of my impending doom (i.e. getting sacked?). I'm giving myself time to adjust, be good at it, and all those sickly sentimentalities on "self-actualization" sold by the corporate world. Anyway, we bitter people should give it a chance. Otherwise, we won't really know whether it sucks or not. And, why not if it gives us a chance to learn something else other than err bitterness, right? I mean, spending half your life on what-could-have-been's, what you can never have/be/etc, among other permutations of despair gets a bit boring after a while, right?

So yes, let's give life a chance, no matter its form. Let's stop moping and leave Hemmingway and Camus for a while. Let's do this! Let's think that the world may actually be about us. As my friend Ken cogently put it (over dinner with Ka yesterday), God loves him and the universe actually talks to him. I mean I can channel that feeling, can't I? Yeah, let's think Paulo Coelho- or maybe leaf through my sister's A Purpose Driven Life. Ooh, Que sera sera... Meh. But really I'm pushing myself, mainly because I want to be independent in all aspects of my life, as much as possible.

Aside from the above-mentioned everyday drama, I think I'm doing well- not, in anyway, financially or career-wise of course. But surprisingly I do manage my expenses efficiently. And, on some obscure chance, I manage to earn new friends and build on my old relationships. Lol! I'm such a sad person. Like I really have to say it! Just yesterday I had dinner at Fat Michael's, which by the by has very good salad and pizza, with Ka and Ken. And last friday, I had dinner with DS shiftees college friends at Bollywood (Indian cuisine!). And everyweek I get to have lunch with one or two other college friends. Ha! And I even volunteered for my Highschool's (Sakya) Alumni Association. Beat that. Besdies that, I have time for books and dibidi's on weekends. And come june or later, maybe I can even get into ACED's volunteer work again on weekends. I guess we can call that life.

arggggh!

2008-05-05T20:26:00.002+08:00

Pressure pressure. I didn't think it will be like this. Give me a year at most. Must stay on track. Give me hope. Shet. Yun lang. Bow.

frustrations, frustrations...

2008-03-31T14:15:00.000+08:00

I bought a book by Stephen Hawking. A Brief History of Time (latest edition) was on sale and I've been wanting to buy it since highschool! Now at chapter 3 I positively feel abysmal and stupid. But this should be good. The last time I felt stupid was on my fourth year in college, those piles of articles/books written and inspired by sad and dead old people for my Philosophy courses. But then some of those readings were translated from foreign languages, which was proably the reason I found them difficult to understand. Most of those dead authors were French, and God knows how awful people translate that language into English. This time, Hawking is positively clear on language. It's just that I don't understand the concepts very clearly, especially space-time. I mean I understand the illustrations but I can't seem to imagine it in the real world!!! And, gulay, this is already a physics book for lay people. Frustrations, frustrations.

success, success come to me! lol!

2008-03-24T21:25:00.000+08:00

After too much bitterness, too much frustration this time. I thought I will go cloud nine after learning I passed the qualifying exam for this company that I really like; that it will inevitably snowball into more endorphins witht the following days. I was wrong. After spending the holy week (third world on suspended animation) grinning thoughtlessly on passing the dream job, withstanding friends suggesting the results could have been mixed up, I snapped out of it. Earlier today a friend who works for that comp told me that 250/2000 people pass the exam and that a series of tests and interviews would follow to really really qualify. Ok I can definitely commit to at least trying to beat everyone for that spot, I thought. But then, I took another exam come afternoon this same day for one of those companies where most people in my university end up. Frustrating, dragging, difficult! Ugh, and with a very slow connection! And with people (fucking interns!) coming in and out of the room spouting- loudly!-factoids about their lives like we should care or something. I finished the test, rode the elevator to make for the exit at the first floor, not without maudlin thoughts on how inadequate I am for people started sinking in. I didn't even enjoy the free send-off dinner for graudates later that night. I forced myself to deal with people and smile that night. And then I went to the loo and looked at the mirror. And there, right at that moment, I behold the ugly aging primate without anything good to offer the world! Bad thoughts. On the train home I was still brooding about them. Somebody should've slapped me in the face instead and wake me up. That could have been more pleasant than feeling, yet again, bad about myself.

Problem is I never felt like I did something really worth telling other people for the past 5 years. No kidding. I never felt I achieved something that I or people I love could be proud of. Ugh, middle class drama and all, I know. But I just want that feeling (again, after God knows how many years) that makes me feel good about myself. I realize that I'm shallow and there seems to be no escape from it. Foucault, where art thou? Get me out of this panopticon! lol! But really, I think I will always have these thoughts about myself and how I figure in the world, no matter how much I intellectualize about these things.

I knew spending too much time harping how much I had been the underdog will have its evil repercussions. But I can definitely remain vigilant- more than petulant I hope- under these circumstances; to count my blessings, hope for the best, and all that jazz. In fact, I already feel quite better just writing about them. Haaaaaaay. Breathe.

night out with "friends"

2008-03-13T21:56:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night, I went out with a throng of highschool uhm.. friends? A batchmate flew in from China and was bound for Davao in a few days. He just arrived yesterday at 4 in the morning and had been on the road, perhaps, uhm gamboling with his cronies and minions among my highschool batchmates after arriving. And boy, he had been one of those semi-cool kids and semi-bully back in highschool. Ugh, highschool memories bring so much bitterness. Bitterness abounds specially with those people! But I digress... So he invited Karah, who's my best pal among hs peeps these days, on a dinner with a couple of other more batchmates. He missed her, the batch, and what-have-you's. And Ka's supposed to invite me, since he said "we" should come. And we, in Ka's world means Ken, me, Nes, et. al. (cliques and factions and all those corns you can think of. Think stupid people in stupid highschool days.) I thought why not? A chance to catch up, update my social skills, escape impending boredom in front of the tv, yadda yadda yadda. So I decided to go.

And, ha! Mind you, back in highschool I facied myself the outcast or the reluctant but compassionate sociopath. I had a sort of clique, yes but I loathed some and more outside that ridic group. And you're right, that disgust was not in any way one-sided. And Ka et. al, well let's just say they were the popular kids back in highschool, friends with all kinds of circles, bridging the social divides and what-not's. Ha! We had all that despite being a tad less than a hundred. And social-climbing had never been more complex!

Fine! I was bullied heavily you wouldn't have a clue. And no, not only by a couple or a group of peeps! *breathes in, breathes out* Lol! And I bullied back. And no they didn't like it. I didn't like them. Anyway, back to the topic:

Davao dude picked us up at Ka's, using his rich crony's nice car. Dinner time. eat eat eat. Plastered plastered smile, forcing myself to believe that this would turn out to be a good night. talk talk talk. Mantra of the night: fuck off bitter self, enjoy the night. And I did. I managed to sort of take charge of the conversations. There were only five of us that dinner time so it was relatively easy. But oh no, they texted texted some more people. By the time we transferred to Mocha Blends there were already 14 of us nicely not talking to each other over coffee (See I wasn't alone!). At some point, we divided into 2 groups. Luckily I got into the almost likeable people. At some point we were actually having quite a normal, tolerable conversation- fine, a good conversation, almost genuinely enjoyable. And to my surprise I didn't regret the night. I was exhausted, yes, in putting up with those other people.

But, I won't hold back here. And luckily most of my hs batchmates don't read a lot of online stuff. If I had the chance back then to get my revenge without being butchered, shot, etc, these would them:

To J., M., D.
Fat people go to hell. Okay maybe not. There's only been one time in my life when a fat person had been kind to me. And you three! Someday I'll suck all your fats out and drown you three in it! You would be too stupid you won't even notice me slicing your skin and sucking your fats. I never did anything bad to you but you were always there to humiliate me!

To O.
You fucking fairy! You backstabbing scrawny fairy! We backed you up when you had that big problem. And you fucking humiliated us at our back in front of your new college friends. You fucking hurt us you know. We had been very good friends. But oh ho! You had to announce that you always feel forced to hang out with us, like it's something that you owe us! You had to announce it to other people and later in front of us, like some fucking sort of press conference! We thought we were supposed to be real friends. You know that that little press conference of yours would hurt us. But you did it anyway. Why didn't you just drift away eh and not hang out? But I guess you're too dramatic and theatrical for that yes? You're a fraud and you know it. Stop playing the victim!

To Mr. M.
Get a nose job, it's too big you can even smell my lying compliments for you. And please stop being nice or composed in front of me. It doesn't suit you. I let it pass, you know, those snide remarks and all too-dramatic tirades you had to do whenever you were no in the mood (whenever our fucking stupid "clique" would dine out). And no, A, I do forgive but I never forget. Never. J. et al may have told you things but you have nothing to do with me, you weren't the one I wronged. So get your nose job and stop pretending you want to talk to me. It makes us both sick.

Omg. I've never felt such release! I know I'd be sorry for this someday. And I never explode like this in person- and never had that chance to do this in front to them. Ugh. I hate bitterness and by God I hope to forgive people someday. But those memories are just too strong. And, promise, in moments of absolute necessity, in moments when I have to engage them in any conversation, I try to be as civil as much as possible. I even try (more like force myself) to like them. God, help me forgive.

decision week

2008-03-11T00:41:00.002+08:00

This is decision week. I have to extend deadlines for my decisions to wait for one or two other prospects. In a matter of days I should decide. And, trouble is I'm not particularly the most in-demand unemployed person as of the moment and there's no way they would wait for me indefinitely. Uck. Let me tell you, to say that this is frustrating is an understatement. It's leaps beyond post-highschool-pre-college limbo of choosing between universities. Back then, I didn't particularly weigh the pro's and con's (but of course I was biased against getting into that ridic school along Taft. Lol!). I was in a way tricked into buying that reservation fee for slot (BS MIS batch 2006). In those moments of weakness and confusion, I got tricked into riding on my highschool friend and his mother's infectious zeal to get into that good university. The fates arranged it for me, I thought. And boy do I not believe in fates these days. I mean it's all good to believe in some sort of providence but I just can't believe that this providence is very genocidal and picky- I mean look at those children sold to prostitution, did some ridic universal and fucked-up force planned on it? Ugh, why do I always get into discussing theology in a categorically unrelated issue... Point is I'm confused and I just hope to get into something I can be good at and with which I can affect other people positively. Ha! At least I'm sure that I can get hired. That's quite a comforting thought for minute ego. And no, I'm no atheist.

Speaking of comforting egos. I had quite a pursposeful weekend. I attended this Youth Vote 2010 event at the Asian Institute of Management, which to our surprise was just behind Greenbelt 1. Youth Vote 2010 was organized by Young Public Servants (under a certain NGO). It was first among a series of forums conducted with various young "leaders" and 2010 presedentiables. I though it was very timely considering recent charges of corruption and people power stalemates. First thing that came into my my was how would presedentiable accomodate public scrutiny of fund allocation special for national projects- and then the pork barrel, etc, etc. I thought people my age would prefer this sort of institutionalized reforms rather than jump into the bandwagon of mob rule and intimidation (but of course I do want the president to resign). I thought such a sign of maturing democracy in this country. We were grouped into different breakout sessions with different issues to discuss (i.e. education, good governance, peace and security, employment, poverty alleviation). At the end of those sessions, we came up with 3 questions about the issue assigned to us to ask the presidentiables. Etc, etc, etc. It was fun despite not getting ot talk to a real presidentiable. Some mini-celebs in the event: 90's has-been Jaime Garchitorena, Youth rep./host/he's-everywhere Bam Aquino, Sen. Kiko Pangilinan, Berty Lim (some business person implicated(? lol!) by Lozada). I also met students leaders from other universities. Booze and bands at the end of the program.

an attempt at sisyphus

2008-03-10T05:06:00.002+08:00

Rurok?
Nagbabadyang hangin.
Nagdurugong puso.

Lamig.
Kapit na bibitiw.
Dilim na babalot.

Dam'hin.
Diwang sumisigaw.
Ulang bumubuhos.

Kapit.
Higpit na 'di 'tanto.
Lakas? 'di siguro.

alone

2008-02-03T01:29:00.000+08:00

I remember something about last week. I was out everyday looking for a job. My schedule was, usually, interviews or tests in the morning then school in the afternoon for the job fair. And that wasn't an easy task. Most of my tests and interviews were in Makati. I had to ride two trains from Makati to school and vise versa, and a lot of walking. I remember dining at various restaurants and usually fast food chains alone. That what really struck me more than the tons of walking I had to do. I didn't exactly feel alone or lonely in the first couple of times I did it. But on the third day that I had to eat alone, it occured to me that I Am Alone and lonely.

It was this one time, friday and a few minutes before dinner time that I decided to placate my grumbling stomach. I was sitting at a corner of a McDonald's branch at a mall arranging my orders, then I notice that everyone had someone with them. I front of me was a couple happily chatting their plans for the weekend while chidding their two kids, a boy and a girl who couldn't stop playing with their fries. Immediately to my left were a group of people who are probably in their sixties, talking about a common friend, happily excahnging their opinions about him/her.

I sat on a table with four chairs and twice did someone asked for the vacant chairs. I felt so alone. A group of noisy highschool girls borrowed the second chair and I watched two of them took that chair away to their noisy group, they really lively and boisterous and quite happy to share each others' company. And then it happened. Something broke into the well guarded mullioned sappyness. I used to reassure myself that I can live on my own, get old on my own, die on my own... the usual misfit's dramarama. But it struck me, have I been planning to starve myself of bliss? I have been all about survival since that stupid lesson on Sarte (at least in my head I'm all about that). Alanis was right, we have to decide between survival and bliss. The vital question is: Is your hope (or motivation in life) about merely clinging on to something dear (and elaborate its complexities so that you can arrive at God) or do you go after happiness and the possibility of it?

where's my torch dear sakyans

2008-02-02T00:41:00.000+08:00

What the hell. I figured to write rather than excruciatingly wait for employment prospects. Yeah, I might not have anything juicy right now but I ought to do something. Yes I'm at a lost again in the job market and almost begging for someone to notice me. Ha! But I won't surrender or despair, nor would I wait for The Meaning of Life to dawn on me. No. For now, I should write... err to ebb off any sense of purposelessness. I should feel like I'm doing something worthwhile- and fortunately writing does take a toll on me.

So since my last update, I had that highschool reunion with fellow Sakyans. It was a blast and I got to meet some old friends. Key word: some. Yes those hollow-skulled big bad high school bullies were there as well. They were fat, pot-bellied and a few were horribly ugly- and probably fathering children. Anyway, the good ones were there as well- who are doing great right now(good business, med school, good careers, etc). I actually wrote an entry about it but it was erased by pc gods. Perhaps I said something appalling about those (now) prissy school administrators who welcomed us so unctuously. I mean they didn't gave us time to hate them at the homecoming, hate inspired by those unbecoming highschool years. Lol! Anyway, we shouldn't dwell on that. So after Jan.14 homecoming, I finally got to fix my thesis grade and clearance in school. And last week I got interviews and I submitted resume to a job fair sponsored by our school. I also applied for social security as well. And just this week, well... one test and a lot of waiting and reading and waiting.

About employment prospects... hmm. Well I definitely failed at least 3 interviews/tests I think. One asked me to write a code on a white board, another was also a programming tests and sudoku puzzles (I know: what the?)- which I by the way didn't finish because the business owner freaked me out and I'm rather nauseous about sudoku (and it was my first time!). The third is the renown p&g exam, which I failed again (after two years since my last try). But I'm not giving up hope one those others, three jobs that I really want.

bear your torch dear sakyans

2008-01-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

God it's been almost 6 years since highschool. I wonder how everybody would look like. Batch 70-something is hosting this sunday's alumni homecoming. I hope a lot from our batch will come. Seriously, a good 3 years ago, I would've been the first person to dismiss this idea. I was odd ball in highschool and I never liked most of my batchmates anyway. Probably my overbearingly friendly friends these days have rubbed off some fo their sociability to me. Things don't look good though, only a handful from our batch have confirmed their attendance. O shit, I don't have a success story. Think Romeo and Michelle! Think Romeo and Michelle! Pressure. I was told that some of my batch mates are earning 30k pesos and up (and that's really something only two years after college in this part of the third world) and to make things worse, some of them have their own businesses already. Ugh. I'm not particulary a let's-go-after-personal-glory type of person, but jeez with this social panopticon I can't help but be stressed about my unemployment. Anyway, I should focus on the good things. Imagine their success stories (those odd geeks now succesful)! Imagine how those cool highschool bullies turn out as fat and ugly dads of one or two children! Lol! (I actually feel bad for some of them... err only slightly. : )

Ooh, and I'm getting a pair of glasses tomorrow. I'm quite excited in taking nerdy look a step further. Whatever. I never thought I would wear eye glasses. I had such perfect vision. I could read everything from top to bottom of that E chart or eye chart (what do they call them anyway). I could even read the smallest of the letters back in the hay day (my God! there's actually such a thing at this age. Scary scary.). Tons of reading and computer hours back in college must have done this. Shit, I should get my student insurance- which pratically no one I know knows!

I'm still looking for a job. I've applied to some but they seem to ignore me. Hmm, must try to work harder. Someone give me a job, please!

alive!

2008-01-11T00:22:00.000+08:00

Kainez! This would be the third time I'm writing this entry. Ugh. This IE version really sucks. I think it's because the Windows XP I borrowed was fake. The freakin' internet browser kept getting errors! Ugh, it's like no one really wants me to write another entry- and boy that doesn't help the fact that I'm particularly lazy at this. Anyway:

Now that's a tad more than a month since my last entry. Dear blog, not that people actually care but we gotta tell our story. Shoot. Surprise, surprise! I've been busy- and a little less sulky about my academic limbo- since the last update. I've been busy ehm... socially. And I've never been particularly and outlandishly gregarious in my entire life. December came with dinners here and there. Birthday parties, christmas dinners, movie outings, and the whole shebang. And yeah, I'm currently on poverty mode, losing cash as the new year arrived. But I'm not actually sulky anymore and that makes a whole lot of difference.

Oh and I spent the new year alone in our apt, uh here in Manila. I stayed here alone and left my parents and aunts and cousins in our other house, a long way north from here. I spent it alone and I was insanely exhuberant about it. December 31 ended with me alone in the apt. TV on. Windows closed and curtains down. Not that I was particulary doing something nasty. I'm too boring for that. I hear that pollution gets 10x worse during new year's eve because of all those firecrackers. And boy, it's beyond evident in this part of manila every new year. You can actually see faint smoke sneaking in underneath the closed door. It was beyond scary this time but I managed to get used to that foul fircracker smell- and locked myself in the bedroom after an hour of exposure. By 2am I was in bed alone drinking my fake wine (carbonated grape juice 'coz I have alcohol allergies). Ominous, I thought. Alone with fake wine and all. But then a few days ago I read that Rats will be lucky this year.

golden compass half-truths

2007-12-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

I was chatting with a friend over Yahoo Messenger and another friend sent me this:

"gm!! Do not watch the movie, "The Golden Compass." The movie "The Golden Compass" starring Nicole Kidman is coming to theaters December 7th. It is based on the trilogy of books by atheist Phillip Pullman, of England, and is geared towards kids. He wants kids to denounce God and Heaven but he does it in a very subtle way that parents may not pick up on what his true intentions are. In a 2003 interview, Pullman said, "My books are about killing God." Please don't take your kids to see this movie!! Send this to EVERYONE you know!!! We need to get the word out about this movie and make sure that no one supports it!!!You'll be shocked, I'm sure. His beliefs are "dumbed-down" in such a way that even adults might not realize the deception before them,-gm"

You creepy fundamentalist Christian groups! It's as if imagination is banned in churches; and that discourse with the powers-that-be in established religion is wrong. Whoever composed this message seriously hasn't read the books. And yes it is true that the books eventually lead to killing god (remember, a merely as a character in a fiction!!!), but they aren't about saying religion is false. Don't they see that this movie can finally start an era for common people to engage religion? To ask what they should recognize as existing beyond this world? To really start a dialogue with dogmas various religions have fed us? I seriously have problems with these fundamentalist Christians. Urrgh. Don't they see that this movie (with the trilogy His Dark Materials) opens a chance for a more enlightened outloook in life for both believers and non-believers?!

rebels in makati... again.

2007-12-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

They're at it again. I swear I didn't vote for Mr. Trillanes because I knew something like that would happen. And, ladies and gentlemen, this time it's another luxury hotel. It's the Manila Peninsula after Oakwood 3 years ago. I swear I was laughing my heart out when that CNN newscaster said in passing, while reporting about the Makati "siege", that "these guys sure like to get comfortable". Well, it seems like that. I mean, why hotels right? I don't get it. If he wanted to get a proper press conference, why didn't he do it in prison. That would sure look more romantic- perhaps heroic. Sure, we don't like the Mole of Asia but I really feel like people are tired after 3 Edsa's. So Mr. Trillanes, and to that other general who had been involved in other coup attempts in the past, you failed- and will fail I think in calling for people to support your agenda. Or perhaps we need more saintly personalities to lead us to the streets...

And the media. The media! They're at it again, glorifying their role in the country's democracy. Sure we monkeys know things because of them but sometimes, yes sometimes, they get to be the ones inciting anarchy or suicide, in the case of that well and wrongly publicized supposedly suicide case in Davao. And, ABS-CBN seems too fond of romanticizing their job, that "they were just doing their job to get the truth"; that they shouldn't have been arrested, etc. Whatever. Although true, it's not like the arrest of those mediamen was in anyway tantamount to tyranny or martial law. And boy do they convey such maudlin sentiments over the television... Perhaps, Maria Ressa missed a lot on Marcos real martial law.

almost in "the real world"

2007-11-22T03:02:00.000+08:00

Okay. That was a bit more than two months of no blogging. And lots have happened since my last update: the ZTE scandal, Erap getting the executive clemency, the Glorietta explosion, bombing of the house of representative, etc... Yes, it sucks that despite all those creeping, seemingly vast and encompassing events (if you're a Pinoy), I find myself detached, trapped in this middle class drama of finding my way in the world (i.e. my life as of the moment). I mean the gore, the politics, the deaths and suffering. And that doesn't even in anyway paint the bigger picture- if there's even such a thing. It seems unfair. Anyway, I guess we've no choice but mark our own place in this bleak and random universe, maybe necessarily oblivious to all those things in the background. There's no 'The Story' afterall. Anyway.

I was actually hoping to get my thesis done before making another entry. That way, I thought, I could finally bash the school and its stupid teachers. Maybe a few, especially those entirely inisipid and self-absorbed ones. Nah. Just kidding. I even worship a few of them actually. Maybe a couple of jesuits and a teacher. Lol. Truth be told, I will miss that school, despite all those years distancing myself from its image (and you won't believe the amount of elitism and vain glory its students attach to themselves). Sure, I have not done my best most of the time, I may have spent months and months brooding about how college had been unbecoming of me, I may have spent most of the time procrastinating because of fucked-up courses and uninspiring teachers, but I really really learned a lot. So. Right. I will miss it. Okay, that's entirely right. Technically I'm still not done because of that thesis (yes, it's "that thesis" from now on because I've spent tons of energies writing it and it's still not sufficient, I just want to compile it and give it to ACED).

Yeah, there's no point in this entry afterall. Nothing has marked any "next page", "next chapter", or next-whatnot in my life. Not that I'm complaining or ungrateful but I'm still in this semi-limbo, excited and terrified in ending my college life, afraid that I might not like what I have planned for myself. This awful sense of foreboding and finality is flooding my nerves. Uck. Luckily, there's still some things to look forward to. One of those is The Golden Compass. lol. I've reread the book last week. I'm on Subtle Knife right now. The movie should live up to Pullman's talent. Damn New Line. I heard the director was forced to remove those anti-religious overtones...

urbanidad?!

2007-09-18T01:26:00.001+08:00

Someone fainted inside the train on my way to school. Her eyes remained wide open after falling. It was freaky. Her knees bucked, her face livid. Luckily a large man catched her, right before her head hit the train floor. I hope she's doing ok. I was too busy studying for an exam I didn't notice anything until the girl beside me gasp.

Then I forgot about it for ten hours until now. Ten hours dedicated to the world of stupid exams, of pestilential professors, of my inexhaustible imagination for drama and tragedy- about myself of course... The ten hours that dwell on my measly personable version of the world. Such is life. It stares at you in the face and you forget about it right away.

about the golden compass

2007-08-18T13:20:00.000+08:00

I feel like an original fan. I swear, until recently when the hype for Golden Compass movie has reached the airwave, television, etc, etc, it wasn't popular at all here in the Philippines. I read the book like five or six years years ago, and I was astounded as to why oh why Harry Potter remained more talked about than Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series, which includes The Golden Compass or Northern Lights as its first book. At school for instance, there were only 3 or 5 people who knew the series. Now, it's like everyone knows what's coming up in theaters this December seven. And people are actually reading the books! Not that it's a bad thing really, it's actually good now that I can talk to people about the books. I just feel like like all of them became fans only after New Line Cinema's successful marketing. I became a fan because I looked for the books years ago. I should be given an award or something.

Oh, and I'm a big fan of the books because they narrate this awesome story about growing up, how we approach life and how God figures in all of these. Here's an excerpt from an interview with Philip Pullman by Claudia FitzHerbert which so describes a major theme in the books:

FitzHerbert: "The Authority in 'His Dark Materials' is a force for repression throughout. What do you say to critics who ask where is the good that is done by religion?"

Pulman: "...The interesting - the curious - question is, if people can be helped by something that is palpably not true, is this better than denying the thing that is not true and not being helped? When I say palpably not true I am speaking from my perspective as an atheist. This perspective thing is important: if I compare the tiny amount of things that I know to all the things I don't know, then of course out there in the darkness there may be God. So from that perspective I'm an agnostic. But then, if we imagine being inside a camera coming closer and closer to this tiny pinprick of light - to the things that we do know - then as we come closer the pinprick gets bigger, as things do, until finally it reaches from horizon to horizon and we are standing inside the light. From this perspective - which is all the things I know - we can see quite clearly there is no God, so in that respect I'm an atheist..."

- Source: http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/pullman_08_07.html

what's a "job" on networking?

2007-08-17T12:25:00.000+08:00

It turns out that the company I'm supposed to apply for was about "networking". I don't know the exact terminology for this one, but it's "very scam-able" in the Philippines. lol! I think it's essentially about earning by recruiting people- and you've got to pay to join. I think it's called "pyramiding" in this portion of the third world.

The hr rep was very particular that they were looking for "business partners" not employees. He said this after I mildly berated him over the phone about how he wasn't very good at explaining the kind of job people they're recruiting were suposed to fill. After learning from Ka that the company's about networking, I SMSed the hr rep about how I wasn't interested in such type of "profession" (yes we need those quotation marks). I lied saying that I would be attending another interview for a more clear-cut kind of employment (as a research assistant) later this afternoon instead.

Uck. And that intriguing Senate Inquiries in school later today was cancelled because people wouldn't be in school. Classes have been cancelled for three days already due to storms. I swear, people should stop praying for rain.

priorities

2007-08-17T00:17:00.000+08:00

I can finally write about actual life scenarios now that my self-aggrandizing mode is over. I'll be having a job interview/seminar(?) for some fictitious company. Their hr rep called the other day telling me about how Nikolai, who was a high school batchmate, reffered me to their company. It could possibly spell cash I thought. So I entertained him. He singularly told me that they were an American company, that they distribute imports, and that an orientation would be held on friday (tomorrow). I said I would go, despite my teeming suspicions. What added to this was the nervousness of the rep. He seemed jittery with all those ass-kissing remarks for me. The company's name's something like Synergy1 International. The meeting's supposed to be on 15th floor Octagon Center, Ortigas. Just in case I die tomorrow, the above details some of their modus operandi.

I really hope I won't waste time. I'm wishing this won't be another call center company. Ugh. I dropped attending the Senate Inquiries (something about pertinent issues of the youth today) with Winnie Monsod, Sen. Estrada, Sen. Pangilinan, et al in school tomorrow. I scheduled this would-be-job-offer instead. This should be good.

metaphysical hullabaloo

2007-08-14T01:31:00.000+08:00

Last Wednesday, after having coffee and the usual endless chit-chats with some high school buddies, I decided to write something about outgrowing your best friends. I even wrote something in my journal (the physical one, obviously). It was something like noticing their limits and that, because of these limits, they won't ever understand you. They will remain trap in their own world, defending how they understand things. But I decided otherwise. I decided not to pursue the thought.

I mean, friendship's not supposed to be about who's at your level or whether you understand things in the same way. And, at that, I'm not even questioning this ludicrous notion of how to arrange people in your own version of the world. They may never understand me the way I want them to but it doesn't mean I can't remain believing that they're probably one of the few people who can.

On a related string of thought. I read from another friend's article(?) something about finding beauty/meaning etc in the totality revealed to us. I was like " been there done that" while reading the rest of her entry. It was about her mother, which I thought was very thoughtful and nice, but I utterly disagree with this. I think it's pretense to think that you actually know how everyone fits perfectly well in this totality presented to you; and the way it was written was all semi-poetic, which adds to that drama of finding beauty. But, to be fair, she's in her junior year. I was thinking the same thing when I was her age, I think. I understood Aletheia that way too (or maybe I just didn’t understand what she really meant). But beauty is something else, I guess. It's not about notions of systems or worlds and how what you see fits in that whole. It's mere recognition that something other than yourself is right in front of you, without you trying to define it. It's something that escapes- this to me is beauty.

meanwhile, on the physical plane

2007-08-09T01:32:00.000+08:00

Classes are suspended tomorrow. This only means one thing. It means that students shall efficiently make use of it to further their efforts procrastinating. To me, it means that I'll have more time making a career out of staging a storm-in-a-teacup coup d'etat in Perspectives in Development class 2 (?). It turns out that I'm not the only one who feels the skul-bukol syndrome every time recitation starts. We (I think 7 of us) plan on having a group study before class time and a scripted recitation during class. We can't take it anymore; anyone can just speak up mindlessly despite not having anything read for the class- and this doesn't motivate us to read. Some of us actually want to learn. But of course, we only plan on having a real good discussion during class time. We actually believe in the teacher, really. We're not planning to murder him of course. We're a Christian university after all.

In other news, it's official. My long motivated tendency to label my thesis adviser a bully has sufficiently been substantiated by the rather acerbic combination of tongue-lashing homily about punctuality and shameless cathartic display of disappointment he made hours ago during our thesis advisement session. There we were, with the three of us eyes boring the shiny surface of the conference table while he lambasted the fourth member of our group. Mr. Fourth Member, after barely recovering from the unanticipated vituperation, tried to sound enthusiastic about submitting the next installment for his thesis, but to no avail. Mr. Thesis Adviser, after dismissing excuses on meager improvements since Mr. Fourth member's last submission, asked him to "JUST LEAVE". I swear, I even saw Mr. Thesis Adviser emit a hint of black smoke through his nose. And, I half expected Mr. Fourth Member to just voluntarily keel over and decapitate himself- I mean I would if I was in his place. I was half-wishing the session to end and half-restraining myself to crack a joke to happily conclude round one. But, Mr. Fourth Member had already "walked out" and the ominous black smoke was already gone.

I'd say it was unnecessary, even bordering on the theatrical. I'd even say that it went beyond his habit of deflating students' egos. (And seriously, If you'd permit a bit of drama, I'd say he went from mere ego deflation to really breaking the poor guy's spirit.) It may also be that I'm once again not in tune with the times. Is humiliation the current trend for motivating slackers these days? I must watch more TV.

"san na u? hir na me."

2007-07-04T23:33:00.000+08:00

I swear. Something's definitely wrong. It's been always a pleasure hanging out with people who speak alien language. No, not particulary foreign but the bastardization of Filipino and English language. It's not taglish (Tagalog-English). It's something similar with a touch of gay lingo. Something is wrong because I'm getting an unusal amount of these kinds of conversations on a daily basis. Examples:

- Adiktus Pekinesis na naman ang drama nyang babaeng yan.
- Walang pera ang beauty ko! Hindi tama.
(Thanks Audrey for the line!)
- Kawawa the poor people.
- Fayatolah khoumenei yung bagets
- Paahbolous!

And...

Q: What do you call an ugly Filipina (Pinay)?
A: Aglipay.

Q: Ano ang tawag sa gwapong foreigner na may kasmang Pilipina panget?
A: Sagot, Success story.

- By someone from AISEC in Celadon room. He was chatting with a Korean exchange student while the rest of us were busy listening to every word he was saying.

I swear, hindi ko kinaya. I feel quite devastated knowing the only funny thing I can pull of is Ms. Annabel Rama's "Ropaaah" accent. I mean that doesn't even run romotely parallel with this breed of language. I'm mastering the the Visayan accent though. Must have patience. I'd rather have that accent that adapt to the conyo language popular among kids these days (e.g. "Ang Paaahni mo!"). So there, pare.

konti pa

2007-07-04T23:30:00.001+08:00

Well things are starting to get better, at least. That's something to be grateful for. Yes, I think I'm very near getting back on track, maybe be not on a high note, but I'm getting there. Alright. Enough drama. I must not lose momentum.

it's a.k.a. ambition

2007-06-08T00:23:00.000+08:00

Okay. Fine. I think a part of it is vanity. Anyway, the most important thing is that I (re)learned today that I've become too detached to feel that I'm actually giving something or wanting to give. I used to be an empath. I'm not kidding. That's what you can become I think when you go through a Buddhist elementary and high school- all that hype about human suffering, it gets to kid's mind I think. I used to be super sensitive on human emotions. What ever happened to me?! Well, yeah, I went to college. They taught us how idealogies drive emotions, Foucault-inspired rationalization, etc, etc. I became me. Cool. But only for a some time. Whenever friends would share problems- which time and time again would boil down to how sorry they are for themselves- I would always berate them on all these psuedo-intellectual bullshit. I lost that initial response(intinct?) to actually feel for the other person- no matter how foolish or selfish his/her reasons for being lonely were.

Something happened that changed me. Yep, today I got inspired by a friend's kindness. I swear, her simple gesture of letting those 2 kids sit beside her in the train was something, well after telling me her story of how she didn't want them to feel how she felt when adults would bully her in the train when she was kid. Basta. And that's just one of her gestures. And her stories were wow- well besides the skull crack accident, of course (lol). Well, of course this led to further brooding here and there. And I thought I lost that, etc.

I thought this is most essential if I want to do what I plan for myself to do. Why not really see what's going on in the streets, in my own neighborhood, before reading all those heinous elaboration on world hunger, aids, etc- before all those abstractions. Why not look at the people sitting, walking beside you and think how would you feel if he/she is you? Yes, acting on this intial care may have have it's downfall. But, isn't this initial care the foremost element to removing pain and suffering? (Maybe it has something to do with exclusive spaces (hello? the hill?) we go to everyday. And no, I didn't watch Obama on Oprah's show?!)

daluyan entry

2007-06-08T00:19:00.000+08:00

I thought I'd share my entry to Daluyan, ISO's (Institute of Social Order) yearly publication. Every volunteer last summer was supposed to write an entry about his/her experiences:

Introspection: Rethinking Idealism
By Eric Uy

It turned out that my month-long volunteer work for ISO was anything but immersion in programs for areas in Quezon or Camarines Norte. They weren’t able to squeeze me because two volunteers had already confirmed for programs- and they were only supposed to have one volunteer for each location. I was devastated. I was expecting something akin to involvement with community development projects. But luck was against me. For the most part, I was confined to a computer station, squeezing the littlest drop of creativity I had to redesign their website. I was more than apprehensive about this daunting task. It had been a very long time since I last flaunted my skills on Flash or Photoshop- not to mention that I have to learn how to use Dreamweaver!

Things started to get better eventually. My long forgotten fervor for design was rekindled, and I was actually building tangible skills for web design. What’s more was that I got to know the people behind ISO, people who have dedicated their lives to social development, people whose lives may inspire me in choosing what to do after college. These became more than a consolation for not making it to the immersion program. Luck was actually on my side.

When I, along with the other three volunteers, chanced on having some of the staff for a casual chit-chat over mirienda, my initial interest in their lives took another turn. I had to ask what motivates them in their job. That particular question was loaded with our notions of “the development worker”. I was surprised to hear that it’s not exactly their original idealism that inspires them. Ate Ging, coordinator for IFARMC Lamon Bay, for instance mentioned that it’s the joy with fellow co-workers that inspires her to retain and do her job well. Ate Norie, Value-based Education officer, on the other hand, said that it’s not about the vision of what it is to be developed for the people ISO assists; it’s the feeling of being with the people of the community as they improve that drives her- no matter how small those improvements maybe. Ultimately, she said, that grand vision of development wouldn’t be tangible- not in her lifetime at least, she comically shared.

On development work, I had in mind toiling everyday to create a society where everyone has equal chance to better his or her life. I guess youth has something to do with this arguably naïve notion of development- evidently a close resemblance appeared in the younger ISO staff. Perhaps my real question was how would I endure a career on social development? Would the sort of idealism I have suffice to motivate me to go to work everyday? Will this kind of idealism last or is it merely transitory? What would my motivation be in working if my grand notion of development wouldn’t materialize?

Reality check. It was foolish to assume that the life I would lead should be solely based on this notion of idealism, on making sure that everything I do would be in line with this particular vision. I realized that development work is life like any pursuit of any vocation; that it’s about the people you do it for and with more than the idea of pursuing something good. I can say that the same thing seemed to take precedence between ISO and the people of Jomalig, whose company I enjoyed for a very brief period.

Knowing the people behind ISO enabled me to rethink my kind of idealism. I realized that while the vision of development could remain intangible, people who you do it with and for could certainly couldn’t. What’s more is that they can reveal pieces of that grand vision. It became something to look forward to in the future. Post-graduation scenario seems less dreary and more exciting. Those precious conversations enlightened me on what development work really- or more accurately what it is not solely about.

So it happens that after my volunteer work didn’t only let me regain some of the skills I’ve long forgotten and develop new ones, it also opened my eyes that to what’s in store after college, which I need very much in my senior year. Most importantly, the people I spent my month-long volunteer work have made me recognize that it’s people that matters in the future I’m planning for myself- not the idea of me pursuing something grand. Thanks to all ISO staff for this great experience!

100th post (kariran na pls?!)

2007-06-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

Fine. Enough drama already. It's a shame that something had to slap me on the cheek just to wake me from this awful torpor. There's nothing to be sad about. There are a lot of things to fear. But that never justifies retreat. And awful self-pity just need some Foucault-inspired rationalization techniques. Eyelaavet!

I have to prove that I can do this, else I'd be sorry for the rest of my life. I know this is really the beginning of my story. I'm glad I can say this time that it'll be my story, despite all hardships this decision would certainly entail. Drama, drama, etc. The point is I know where I want to go. The awful things that seem to distract/obstruct me pales beside this amazing certainty.

I need more things to energize me, to make me want this more, to not let everything essential slip away. I don't need drama- or, better, I need to reread F's words again. I swear, anti-depressant.

so long and good luck people

2007-05-30T23:38:00.000+08:00

Okay, all that hype for the last three weeks went for nothing. Beach time with high school friends this saturday's cancelled. I don't understand why o why every plan we had for the past how-many-years to get together for dinner, movie or outing had always been unsuccesful or postponed indefinitely. It's getting to point of frustration and I want to give up on them already. Actually, I think most of us have already given up on staying as a group of friends. Yes, these things get to me. Now, I'm confused on whether they really saved me or made me more miserable by befriending me (well it was more like I was desperate for people to rescue me from high school hell). So, there. I give up. I very rarely give up on people. But I guess after all that trouble of trying to make myself relevant to them and vise versa, I can give them up now. Wow, I can actually get tired of people.

So yeah, I think I'll live after this mini drama. If I see them in my future I'll say hi or hello, but I don't think I would want to let them immerse in all my complexities anymore- that is, if I still have depth after years of pursuing a simplistic story for my life. Arghness.

where's my pot of gold?

2007-05-30T00:44:00.000+08:00

Yes. It's moments like this when I want to write a guide book on manufacturing depression. I think I'm the best person to write such kinds of things. I mean, really, most of the things that let me down are done by myself; even the things that limit what I can do are practically self-imposed. It's all about a story I crafted for myself. It limits me to explore things beyond that may guarantee happiness. It's frustrating and I can't get out of it. I'll die sad and regret my twenty-something years for the rest of my life. I think I mean that. But I'm okay with everything- I mean "okay" in the sense that I've accepted certain limitations and be grateful for the beautiful people in my life. I feel thankful but I feel sorry for myself from time to time- which is stupid I know, but there's really inescapable prisons. Yes brothers, I think this is on an existential level, not on roles or identities to assume.

My God, I feel so fake- I mean, after all that near fanaticism. The story is supposed to be a happy ending. Months ago, I was so convinced that this will lead me to something I've been longing for. But bumps on the road pointed somewhere else. And now, major things are happening, pointing me to that somewhere else. Yes, I thought maybe it just means that I'm lacking that fire I had, but doesn't this weakening zeal mean something? This is where all those sad thoughts come from- dwindling on the road to my story's end and not seeing any hint of that pot of gold. Then I begin doubting myself.

Nobody pointed me here, I swear. I know I want this, but things seem to say otherwise. Maybe it's only the idea of myself in this story that I want and not the actual things that I do or may do? Or maybe it's the things that I may miss in pursuing this story that make me dwindle and doubt myself. Do I really want this? I earnestly pray for that moment when all things are clear and I know what I really really want and know I can do it. I'm not having that kind of clarity and blessing for some time now.

to the beach!

2007-04-23T00:28:00.000+08:00

Eight am tomorrow will be another day at work. It's quarter to midnight now and I'm packing for Tuesday trip/work to Jomalig, Quezon, An island South East of Manila). The stay will last for four days and three nights. Tomorrow Munday after work will be spent at a dorm somewhere in campus (QC). The bosses said that this would be easier than staying at home (Manila) since call time on tuesday is four am. Crap. Dorm is something weird- sleeping outside home is never comfortable. And, even worse, is the trip that will last for eight hours. Four hours on the van and four hours on boat. Uck.

On a positive note, Coral reefs! I am going to the beach after more than a decade! I'm excited. Plus, K will be at work tomorrow. She's another intern/volunteer (I'm not sure what we're formally called). I won't feel weird anymore. The interview with people of Bantay Dagat (Marine Watch) is also something to look forward to. But, I'm still a bit wary about my detachable arm and food come Tuesday. I'm not brave about these things.

Okay, I shall continue packing stuff now. I'm awful at these things. I always end up bringing more than what's necessary. Wish me luck!

ultra relieved!

2007-04-14T00:50:00.000+08:00

So the grades came out yesterday. Mine averaged at 3.0, not including the part one of my thesis course, which is * (will work on it this summer). I felt ultra relieved. After November's depress-depressan incident, a cascade of mishaps followed: the fake wars with groupmates, ego-deflating incidents, frequent 20-minute lates every 730 class, etc. etc. I thought this sem's grade would ultimately reflect my failure to gear up. So this is more than ok. And, since I didn't work my ass off this semester- possibly because of the depression from the stupid 0.05 missing last 1st semester (in addition to the ones mentioned above)- I feel great!

(This is getting frustrating. I'm not really a grade conscious person, who thinks that A's should define the good student, etc. etc. No, I'm not that. But the world thinks that way, and I'm playing its game. I might as well subject myself to this rather damaging environment to get what I'm really after.)

But more importantly, I got a B in his class! And, that's a bit rare, well, less rarer that an A or a B+, but still rare- I worked my ass off last last semester and he only gave me a C+! I couldn't believe The B at first, so I cross-checked between his records and mine. They matched! I was so happy! The class only had seven people who got C+'s or higher, one A and one or two B+'s and then two B's I think. He's really strict, which is both cool and irritating ( A classmate late afternoon yesterday ontimated how one of his essays were marked "yours ideas can't go further"). I mean, I both look up to and detest him, so I'm glad I'm 'technically' good in his class.

emotional lapses

2007-04-09T03:46:00.000+08:00

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got a hold of a friend to spill my brains to. Actually, it turned out more like me blabbering all the inanities I had been brooding about last week. Add to that additional drama, of stories of break-ups (Not mine of course, not that I have to mention this of course.), myths of the good son and daughter, and, of course, my extroverted introverted second guessing- of myself! We even got to a sort of Maalaala Mo Kaya moment at the Starbucks(!) near Binondo Church. I mean, how un-telenovela-ish right? It could have been somewhere more dramatic- like in her dining room in front of her parents (just kidding Ka! hehe!). It was frustrating and fun, which proved a good combination during the long long conversation.

But I still lack company. I mean, I have a lot of things I've been brooding about without anyone to share them to. Okay, they may not necesarily contribute to bringing about world peace but they may be worth people hearing them- to confirm that I am indeed sane. Okay, I'm desperate. This pseudo-journal (i.e. blog) is really an outlet for such thoughts, but I can't divulge everything here because I'd feel like I'm writing for a show. When I talk to people I really really value or look up to, I feel like I'm confirming my ideas, thereby making me rethink them by actually getting responses. Books and writing are too limited for me, but I'm definitely not ruling out that some thoughts or sentimentalities can only be resolved through such media.

Phonecalls are too restricting (not to mention that my ears hurt after 30 mins of usage) and YM's odd. Hopefully, I'd get to have more chitchats this week. I'll be in school on thursday, hopefully I'll see my fave peeps (please, please don't let the witches bump into me). I also sort of scheduled meeting Om, Ka, Mariel, and Andz. Weird. I seem less thrilled about talking now that I've written about my excitement. Oh well, maybe I'm just excied about this week.

career mode- 2/5 done

2007-03-27T11:02:00.000+08:00

Hyper mode. In rsf right now. Tummy aches. Haven't eaten anything since slice of bread this am. Head a bit dizzy. Zero sleep. Went to starbucks for orals. No teacher present. Bo's coffee. nada. Sarado pol sci dept! Got txt msg from teach. Ok, Dela Costa pala. Done with the orals. He asked about Foucault! So happy! He said excellent! I hope he wasn't being sarcastic. Done with DS long test. Felt stupid. Finished early. Hoping for the best. Boss asked for my thesis. Promised to do it tomorrow. Interview for ISO 4pm. Will watch 300 later! Yey!

time management skills

2007-03-10T22:28:00.000+08:00

Cramming for a paper.

Had coffee. Super panic mode.

Why didn't I start this last week?!!!

Na-depress ako last week and last last week.

Brain was in self-pity mode.

Was not functional for two weeks.

Got my right arm dislocated last last week- for the nth time already!

Why why why?!

Still panicking.

Putangina talaga.

life as a classic novel

2007-03-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

Or an Indian movie, where they get to squeeze in mini-mtvs to over-exaggerate (redundancy needed) the characters' emotions. Drama, drama. You've been processing it for more than two weeks already! That's way too much. There's no time and you know it. What about the next scene?! Get it? The next scene!

Ok. We get it. You're sad. Next chapter!

I don't really know how to get that career mode back. I guess I have to watch a lot of TV to get that queezy feeling. That will probably get me back on track- again. Or I probably need more vitamins and less caffeine. Experiment mode later. Magis= Karirin.

resilience

2007-02-07T00:34:00.000+08:00

My problem is that I keep on forgetting the reason why I am here at this point in my life. I know I choose this. I choose this because of some end most people would describe ridiculous. For a time, I was lost. School keeps breaking my soul, and people keep breaking my heart- people I barely know. I was attached, too attached, I say, to this point in my life. I keep on forgetting that this is just temporary. Of course, grades didn't help, and so do "friends " who are stuck in this glaring "reality" of college life. It's always difficult to point at something people can't see; where all there is to them is really how to understand themselves, the world, and how they fit in that world. I was stuck in that world too for a long while. It was hard to convince myself that there's something more everytime I see people killing themselves just to appropriate themselves with this reality. It was never my intention, in pursuing what I really want, to get a hold of a reality or an identity that will suit me, especially if this is because of some external arrangement of the world that I appropriate for myself. It was my intention to get at a real end, something beyond me (despite proofs that it seems impossible).

These past few weeks were difficult. I was trapped. But there's hope, always I think. There's this inner calm that reminds me of what my entire being is really after; that I'm not at all lost if this calm takes a hold of me. I wasn't myself. I think I'm back now.

ego-deflating incident

2007-01-25T22:02:00.000+08:00

Today is an important day for this day reminds me how I'm up for the show when "speaking my thoughts" more than actually sharing knowledge. It's almost disgusting actually, but, of course, intially I was all defensive- on how I only interchanged GDP per capita to income compared to the poverty line. Now that might have been the case but, still, I wasn't thinking properly because I was all hyped to recite. I wasn't thinking properly at all. I just wanted to talk, thereby making the juniors laugh their guts out and letting the teacher down- because he taught the very exact same concept last sem. The Teach made it a point to stress how disappointed he was with the answer. It was humiliating, to say the very least.

Maybe I'm thinking more of the show rather than content of every supposedly intellectual diarrhea. Maybe that's the reason why I can't even inform my HS friends about concepts of development- err, substantially. Maybe I don't have enything to articulate, and I just want to seem like I know stuff! Maybe I feel bad not because I can't seem to say everything properly but because I don't appear as if I know stuff!

I don't know why I'm feeling really down lately. It's probably because my saturday sessions in payatas are not working out the way I envisioned them. Add to that my desperate efforts to try to belong to college- with all my faculties wanting to get out of it already, the added stress produced by drama people around me, two boring classes... Must focus. Must regain career mode.

paranoia-inducing socialization 2

2007-01-21T00:08:00.000+08:00

Yesterday could qualify as one of the longest days of my life. But this entry is not about that. It's about one of those all-consuming female viciousness, of bitches as group mates. Oh, yes. It was back in high school for these girls baybeh, where claws are poised to claw out my eyes and my sharp tongue ready to strike. But there's no time for the latter. They simply are in my way. My second round shouldn't have been about dealing with such people.

I prefer to be confronted with whatever people want to say- in-your-face style. I feel so bad when people get to you by mere actions, backstabbing or, as it is in my group, dynamics. It's so fucked up and so high school. Ugh! One of them even makes a point to make you feel that it's all your fault. Why can't everyone agree that the end of the group work is not their already inflated egos (nor mine, but they argue otherwise), but something greater that we all contributed to attain?! Why can't people settle things by talking? My sister told me this is civilization. I agree. People are being backward.

So, yeah. Ironically, I shut up. Perhaps it's hypocrisy. But it's my prerogative to remain silent. They have a problem with me, not me with them. They should confront me- though I would probably start my famous ego deflating sermons when they do. It seems that every time there's something like this happening within immediate environment I withdraw. At the very least, "people" in "my world" excludes them. I shut up. And, what do you know? "The" world continues to function.

the inner mickey mouse

2007-01-12T21:28:00.000+08:00

i just thought of updating. I'm finally done with Princess Hours. I can now really study and sleep properly. It's not working though. I'm still quite the slacker. But, after that rather pseudo-sappy/ joke-ba-toh? mini speech by Doc A about mediocrity and the deteriorating quality of students up the hill, I'm geared- err... more- to learn and study. I mean, how many college peeps actually read for their classes these days? Oh, and he actually pointed out archers are way better in research. bleh! It's according to some magazine ranking asian universities. Ugh, I feel so incompetent- that I'm actually going to study right after blogging (note: it's a friday today).

Anyway, about the title. Yes, I think I have the inner mickey mouse. I notice it especially when i'm with kids. They seem to like me. But I still believe that it's because I actually take part in their stupid games, unlike most peeps my age, not that I have something deep within me, etc- the usual blah about the soul thing or genes. Whatever. Uhm, where was I? Oh, and I actually notice that I enjoy to make people laugh- not that I'm always successful in that part, but I can say I'm quite successful with kids.

So, I've been thinking- not the drama-type- a lot about what NGOs to apply for after October. It's really difficult. I want both research and community development. I'm confused. I also want to take an M.A. abroad and work for an int'l org eventually. Sana talaga! For now, I need to work hard. (For tomorrow, Eragon at the movies! Yey! Hehe!)

happy new year!

2007-01-02T15:28:00.000+08:00

I was thinking something dramatic, as in sappy dramatic, to write. But, let's leave all that to the year that's passed. I'm hoping for a great year. More action less drama. Yeah, my problem for the last few years was that I spent most of my time thinking about things. Now that I've settled most of things that bug me, mentally that is, I'm prepared to take more action. I must take resolve in getting out of my psychical reality and really experience whatever the world has to offer. Ok, that's getting too emotional already. Hehe!

So, one of my major goals for the year is to get 2 jobs for my summer internship program. The other is to finally (hopefully) get my DS diploma. Then it's adventure again after that. I'm both afraid and excited. This is really positive considering that I was half-suicidal last year, minutes away from finishing my MIS undergrad career. I'm already thinking about employment this time. Hah! I've too much semi-long term plans! I haven't even started on a paper due this thursday and a book report this weekend. Career mode na dapat by 5pm today!

Here are some other things I'll do (not "try to do") this year (New Year's resolutions!): fulfill promises, do homeworks in advance, update my blog at least once a week, read more non-fic (hehe!), build lasting friendships (Uck! But really...), build independence, and save more. Sana talaga mangyari!

ako si kiray

2006-12-02T01:41:00.000+08:00

Tonight, I'm TV's victim.

I am for the underdog. I've always been appalled by those kids who either have pretty faces or the super brains. I was less than the regular kid, I guess. I was never a super brain or the cutie pie. Neither was I the best runner nor jumper during my years in varsity in HS- I know I don't even look the part. Some people just have all the things to become. I felt I didn't. I was the underdog.

This is probably the reason why I'm most interested in kids who don't seem to have a lot of potential to become an Einstein, a dashing Hollywood actor- or anyone who is great at all. I'm interested in those kids who struggle just to have that sense of worth. I'm interested in kids who had to hate themselves- only to come out of that self-hating phase renewed and enlightened. Some were able to become through real hard work and some discovered their real strengths eventually. They're more inspiring than the gifted ones.

Then I grew up. I learned that worth is a thing the lazy mind is after- the mind that is too busy arranging the world, including itself. It's as if the struggle through puberty was worth nothing at all; as if the worth the regular kid was after constituted that vicious cycle he was supposed to get out of.

Yes we grew up, but most of us are still stuck in puberty. It's frustrating to see people who are still after recognition of their merits, those who seem to understand themselves based on some objective arrangement of reality. It is seldom that I see people motivated by a strong sense of action, of some weird desire to achieve something without bothering whether that would constitute his worth. Action in my generation means a way of becoming something else that would figure in the arrangement of reality. This arrangement becomes people's way of understanding themselves- make that "the only way to understand themselves". It may be both imposed and/or self-inflicted.

That didn't explain my point very well. I have this sense that real maturity means having that strong feeling that we should not be after what we are in the configuration of the cosmos (whatever that may mean)- primarily because that's illusion for me- but that we should be after something that lies outside that configuration and within our own sense of what is worthwhile to do. If that something is still the idea of the self then I guess people will always be frustrated.

A key to happiness, perhaps? More like hypocrisy on my part, actually. I notice that I am caught in the same hell from time to time. I'm too busy trying to be smart, look good (unsuccessfully)- or generally someone who is important. But I notice that I'm beginning to outgrew these concerns. I'm after something now- something aside from myself. Still, to be human may mean to be caught up. So I may not be pointing to something worthwhile after all.

spasmodic soliloquy

2006-11-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

Why is it that every time we cry so hard, it’s always about self-pity, about maudlin thoughts on our lives- over some notion of worthlessness or the lack of something that would make us “complete”? I can barely come up with a decent number to account for the times I’ve cried earnestly for another person. It’s rather pathetic, but during the times you feel sorry about your situation, your life, or whatever, you sense the truth in it. You sense that the world, indeed, has been unfair.

Then, emotions began to change as you obsess in this idea of worthlessness or the lack of something that you assume unattainable. Emotions slowly gear towards how you can make sense out of your life; to be something of worth seems appealing. So you figure that’s where toward which your life is supposed to be geared. Because of this and some notion of capability to feel for others, you take a specific path.

It becomes confusing sooner or later. It seems mere vanity; it’s that nagging alter ego that strives for any notion of worth, any notion of being vital to the operation of the world. Then the confusion gets worse. It’s called Eros in the language of Philo- at least according to my teacher; that the only things you can feel are things that have direct implication to yourself; that selfless love can only be possible with the notion of being affected.

Do you love to feel ownership? Do you invest in caring because the action would make you someone who cares? What takes precedence?

This is not necessarily bad, of course. The self-reinforcing mechanism to secure an organism’s notion of worth can indeed be that organism’s motivation to persist. But it can also be a caveat, especially when the organism’s in its point in life where it wants action- not any kind of arrangement of the world that would suggest any notion of its worth. This becomes a problem because the primary motivation of the organism becomes this notion of arrangement not real action.

Why action? It seems to me the only thing that secures actual desire to live- to live not to arrange one’s life according to any notion of the cosmos’s configuration! It becomes more important to ask ourselves what we want to do more than “what” do we want to become.

The action becomes clear- but only sometimes. And the uncertainty remains.

i'm still alive!

2006-10-25T16:10:00.000+08:00

Sem break didn't start until last munday when I submitted the final exam for IL. But, by saturday, when Sir Gascon shocked us that the second part of the exam would be 5 sets of take-home essays, I was already on my sem break mode. I sneaked past the homework to watch The Banquet with Mariel- who had been the nicest person I got to know last sem (no bola involved)!

By munday, after passing the take home exam, I bumped into Chrissie at Jollibee. We made some chit chat then I flew to SS again to finalize my advisement- only to find that ate Mel was on leave. So poor me waited at the foyer for my 2pm GA at ACED. Luckily, Ron (my IL classmate), and AJ and Joan (Celadon peeps) were there for some more chitchat. Then the GA. I found out that I wouldn't be able to join the Tarlac thing. Boo. Joel told me initially that I can go but I would have to share a room and sleep at the floor. I was okay with that arrangement but they decided that only one volunteer can go. Anyway, volunteers were a happy bunch when left alone thinking about the fund raising project. After the GA, I ran to the train to hurry to Ken's. HS people were there for movies and chitchats.

Munday was kind of a The Alchemist day. It seemed like the world was actually talking to me. I got quite freaked out that night thinking about what happened during the day. All the chitchats seem to point to the same direction. It really freaked me out, to say the least. The universe was saying I'm headed for the end I'm gearing for- which I terribly want- while showing me things I would definitely lose. Anyway, the more important thing is that the sem is over. I just hope I did okay with all the courses. I couldn't help but blame free loaders who happened to be some of my groupmates- ibang level na katamaran talaga! I'm thankful though that I got to meet wonderful people along with them.

...

About The Banquet. Each scene in the movie was wallpaper-like quality, as how Mariel put it- but the storyline was too expected. Only the pictures and costumes were great. It was kind of like the asian version of Elizabeth, except that the Banquet has all the kung-fu people flying everywhere and the confrontation between that characters' real motives in the second-to-the-last scene. Also, Ziyi wasn't able to convey the tension and confusion happening inside her; that at the last scene her revelation of her confusion was a bit of a stupid shock. Also, plotting and calculations by all those sneaky noblemen weren't built up properly- the audience burst into laughter when this was shown.

The more important question is, why the hell did they have to kill the empress at the end? Was it supposed to be poetic that her killer wasn't revealed?! It was awkward unlike the really poetic jump of Ziyi in Crouching Tiger. Well, that's just me.

milenyo, sumpain ka!

2006-10-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, The Imminent Parousia seemed not so imminent anymore. After the awful storm hit, us last Wednesday, we had a major blackout lasting for four days. It was, at the beginning at least, a source of inexplicable joy. Our report, which seemed seriously behind our target schedule of completion, was moved to next week. The game- that was ultimately lost to Uste yesterday- was moved to Saturday (?). And, all the hill people were rejoicing for classes cancelled.

Et erunt signa in sol et luna et stellis. Et Pressura Gentium prae confusione sonitus maris-suddenly, the song seems not so nice at all.

Oh, the joy. It didn't last though. The major power outage disrupted all the work I had lined up for the weekend. Ugh. Classes were cancelled for two days- and it was Friday that I was supposed to go to ACED to once again attempt a successful copying of pictures for a class presentation about the NGO. Instead of following my sched, I- in desperation and uneasiness for having no bath for two days- went to a Ken's to plead for a bath on Friday- super thanks to that; then, got to taste the new rice burger at Mcdo Binondo with Ka; then, at Ka's to exploit electricity, which was apparently abundant in that area of Manila. She even gave me a reading flashlight- yey for that! Water came late Friday afternoon. Friday night was spent alone in bed defiantly squinting my eyes to read the books I borrowed for our draft paper on Ancestral Domains, which apparently need not just a make-over but a liposuction, altogether- which sucks. Also, an entertaining book on Tokyo trials- that the author purports to be mere victor's justice- and he is (or was) an American! So, Friday was productive... in a way.

Saturday, still a day for cursing Meralco, witnessed me going to school in the morning. The not so surprising jungle-ish campus was a bit depressing. What was a shock was that they didn't cancel classes despite the uprooted trees and broken branches everywhere. The class was okay- and classmates were surprisingly "orderly". I saw Tiff and her sister at the MRT Cubao station. It was a bit awkward though, with all my books and big bag. We didn't have a proper chitchat. We parted before riding the train- damn those male and female areas! Anyway, the lunch at an Indian restaurant was a bit of an experience for the Ka, Ken, and me. The ultra flavors overwhelmed and rendered us musing about nonsensical things. Saturday night was a time to rest, skipping the dinner thing with Celadon birthday peeps at Promenade- it seemed like fun but I was too tired.

Sunday was time to go to the Lib. But in all my five years, I never knew it was only open for half of Sundays! I necessarily blamed Pau for that (kidding!), but she reminded me how stupid I was. Anyway, I had lunch at McDo Katips. After a brief rice burger meal (again), I resumed reading the Tokyo trial thing. Joy, who was neighbor and a dear childhood friend, came "poof-ing" from my back. I was a bit reluctant to turn around after hearing "toting" (my childhood nickname) twice, half-expecting that some unfortunate kid had to bear that too-much-for-entertainment nickname. But it was Joy! The post grad med student waiting for the bar exams next year! We had a brief chitchat. It was cool! She had not frequented their home for the last few months! And there she was, still looking younger than I am- despite her being 5 years my senior!

I transferred to gateway to continue by epic reading crusade; I ended up landing in CBTL only to meet agitated eyes- looking at a nerdy me carrying that large book. Oh! I also bumped into an MIS batch mate, whose name I couldn't remember. I must admit, it was a bit unsettling. She was being perfunctorily friendly, which was nice and weird with any other person. I endured reading legal terms until 830pm. Ugh. I was almost drained. The coffee made my fake ulcer act up later that night. I had to eat a lot of bread- and lukewarm water!!! Anyway, I survived that semi-ordeal.

So, I guess the weekend didn't pass without some goodies. I even got to realize that my over dependence on electricity and cold water don't actually help productivity. And, studying outside made me develop a skill for real concentration!

...

I'm supposed to be doing a presentation and preparing for an orals exam for Thursday, but I guess that little update didn't hurt. Agh! I'm probably the last person to insist on nerdy virtues, but I really like what I'm learning- thus the hard work. I won't back down despite all these choo-choos going on.

coffee limbo

2006-09-19T01:22:00.000+08:00

That it's frustrating is an understatement. It's more like a hodgepodge of depression, sinusitis, palpitations, stress- no, I meant STRESS- pressure and a gallon of banality. Put them together and what have you got? Bibidibabi- ask Cinderella's fairy godmother.

I wish I have one. Poof! Genius! Poof! Speed! Poof! Ugh. I don't make sense. It wasn't suppose to be about any of these! It's about that direction I'm aiming at, that direction I'm fanatically pursuing. It's what I want to do, not what I want to become, that I'm after. Perhaps it's because they're insperable that's why I'm in Limbo. Or perhaps, I want them to make things easier. No, it must be the coffee.

I'm re-learning meditation from HS religion notes. Yes, I'm that desperate to get this out of this limbo.

Must... live... Ahh!!!

It doesn't NOT only make sense that when you've finally figured out your basically PoMo, which is practically an irony, you figure that, deep under your skin, you prize this standard, which you know is all crappy, against which you measure yourself, but that its not about this "world" that you're measuring yourself against but people's, sometimes, unfortunately, very dear friends, weird connections. So, yeah. It's not just that I'm sure peeps can never be sure- that "peeps" there includes me- but that regardless how much we try to break free, there will be something to hold us back, and we realize for a glimpse of sec, that we want that something to hold us back- It's the where-is-the-universe-expanding-to conundrum without that last thing to hold us back. And, yeah. I don't think anyone can be crazy-free. To me, it all boils down to being in the eyes of another person; that it's not the fact that you're being seen but that someone is looking.

I don't have the gift of metaphors, so I'm coming down hard. Hate this part. I'm not this, usually. It must be the coffee again. I'm in need of my comfy people! I was a bit worried if I hurt Ka in anyway when she asked me to have coffee with her and the other comfy people. If she felt the same lost-in-limbo last saturday, I'd probably offer myself as a PA to her too.

This is why I hate those teenage brats' angsty music, a that pathetic song by Lifehouse- You and Me yata. And, sheez, I'm freakin tired of that band who sang Over My Head. Selfish, redundant, self-pitying music. Gaahh! These brats are freaking lost. And, worse, they delight in it by establishing truths that make them comfortable about being lost! What irony.

…

For a more elucidating explanation:
Saturday: Morning Class, Afternoon research. Still not done with Monday paper. Coffee. Liars. Shocked at the liar! I saw it in her eyes! Prolly pissed at me.

Sunday: Overslept! Morning on Monday paper. Afternoon meeting. Sunday, very bad day. Star Coffee. Crazy man, literally, came to coffee table freaking everyone out. Felt chills. Rain. Very bad wind. Jittery because of Coffee. Peeps with bad mood. Chocked at my offence. Barely managed to contain myself. Smoothen table. Smokers! Super morning type type type. Still in first part.

Monday: Shocked at oversleeping. Lame excuse. Meeting with DS peeps. Group mate implied intimidation. Shocked. Usual touchy-feely sentiments dormant. Lost at how to deal with Juniors. Crappy paper. Paranoia didn't set-in, fortunately.

who's the real joker?

2006-09-10T22:40:00.000+08:00

"What is it that really makes sense? What is it that you really want to do? What is it that you hold on to that makes you persist? Why don't you just kill yourself i you think nothing makes sense because we'll all die anyway?!"

I was rendered mute after these last words slipped my mouth yesterday. I was half-chastising myself for allowing Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or whoever, to possess my body. It wasn't me at all- well, at least these days. I'm usually the one to right away jump on people to make them feel guilty, or lost about how right they are about their lives. But something about awful rain and coffee- or the smell of it- got me to this kind of mood. I mean, we were in the middle of Makati (!) and I was making such stupendously superfluous existential mumbo jumbo!

There was something about how confused Nes was about what she really wants out of her career. Obscure criticisms, which I make sure people forget afterwards, didn't come out! Instead, It was that voice I've long not used in everyday conversations. I stopped after 3 paragraphs of obscurity, knowing full well that I was talking about myself and not about their work. Clearly, I could've had used that same amount of brain power the day before for my paper, which I awfully rushed!

Reserve, dear. That's what I need. Philosophy can't be something over coffee! It was cheap and downright sophistic! It was presumptuous on my part to think, or even welcome the idea, that they knew how it is to live what I was talking about. I was wrong to believe that they knew my life very well, even if they are my closest friends!

Heh, it could've had gone worse, I guess. I was merely giving them questions to ask themselves and not some genuine Dr. Phil psychoanalysis. It's true that unless what I said was lived, they would remain the same obscure generalities about life and the world. But I guess the questions I threw at them weren't pure rubbish- well, I hope at least.

The "coffee session"- because we didn't really have coffee- came after some dinner and The Devil Wears Prada. Meryl Streep nailed the boss-from-hell character! The story was commonplace but its entire delivery gave it a new level of significance. I think there was something about the movie that led us to talk about career and future plans, which ultimately led us to the "coffee session".

Finally, a real weekend. I used up all my cuts for my saturday class- hell, I didn't wake up at seven because I was too tired and had no sleep from thursday to friday. Excuses, I know. Ugh this sucks. Anyway, a new entry at last after what seemed like a month. It's not about protesting some people who build their own kingdoms this time. Like this this groupmate who- nevermind. I'm trying to be so Zen these days that bugs like them don't seem to itch.

wrong grammar

2006-08-29T00:19:00.001+08:00

It really bothers me when a person claims he is part of something bigger than himself. It's puerile and a pure reflection of that desire to make any claims of reality legitimate. "We" in sentence becomes God, making claims sound like realities. Peeps of this kind deserve their own world where it's about We and The Other, a world where people are not individuals but clones. Live in your own world, and celebrate godhood. Ugh, disgusting.

But am I not doing the same thing with my psuedo-intellectual entries? Am I not claiming to be a god by stating "my" reality? I, too, undeniably, have a claim to truths but I don't use these truths to understand myself and other persons. And, what's there to understand anyway? "We", "I"? What are they anyway?

Perhaps my terrible grammar got in the way of what I meant to say. I merely described what I saw. People were too afraid to proclaim truths oppose to or not within the definitive categories truths (I like that!) these gods claim to be such- because going beyond these categories would mean a total overhaul of their entire understanding of their own identities. I aimed at showing this, nothing more. I didn't mean to convey that I was the victim?

I was being sarcastic about socializing in the room, dear. Apparently you were nice enough to believe me- I'm really thankful for that, honestly. Perhaps you were right about my version of socialization being one sided. No, no, no, this is "about" me, right? Yes, I am in the world of you and your people. Isn't that comforting?

Ha, I'm supposed to be studying for IR exam. Thanks for waking me up! Any more violent reactions? I wish to talk to seniors please. I'm glad I'm bothering the gods. And I still prefer to read people's thoughts no matter how "unintellectual" they sound. I see beauty.

paranoia-inducing socialization

2006-08-22T21:01:00.000+08:00

Sociopathy has yet to get a hold of me. Okay, that's fiction. I was supposed to rant about how my usual distant-but-near feeling-for people when I talk get all messed up whenever a friend gets really annoyed at my relentless pursuit of being the joker, until I realized that it would be fruitless. Imagine, these stupid things happening in the realm of friendship- luckily, only on that level.

Meanwhile on the physical plane... nothing. Well, planning is not exactly real is it? It's there above people's heads waiting for actual utilization. Plans, plans, and more plans for papers, for groupworks and projects. Layman's translation: WHAT? That's exactly my state of being right now. Well, "doing something" is very subjective indeed, so I'm quite at a lost to explain things. Okay, not just planning. I quit Chinoy. I thought it was the right thing to do because I wouldn't find any fulfillment in the task- and I'd probably come up with stupid articles anyway. I think my part wasn't any special so my absence wouldn't count. So, no damage there. On to other projects!

A friend's leaving for China. After what seems like a 6-month long hiatus on commmunication between us (I mean, the group (?)), she announced yesterday that she's leaving for China just like that! Isn't that great? There's very few friends and everyone's leaving.

I can't take it. Rant mode from paragraph one: Ugh, it sucks big time, especially when you've invested in friendship- or the mere probability of it. Yeah, I guess I'm the kind of joker who considers something as shallow(?) as that holy. I'm well grounded on such principles. It sucks big time when such connections are rendered trivial. Worse, it ruins my capacity to be comfortable with people, which already takes up a lot of my energies.

I really should understand experience as a gift more than anything else. It takes a lot of courage to do this.

the week that was a month

2006-08-19T17:10:00.000+08:00

It’s not exactly new, but the week launched (note: Sunday) by spewing random evils on my study table and computer desktop. A paper, a quiz, and the major report for UN class were lined up. I had to start early Sunday. There were lots of readings piled up, which I couldn’t organize in coherent thought.

Despite being deliberately perplexed throughout the week, there were goodies to be grateful for. I’m not hallucinating people! These are actual experiences and in no way “mere”, which a very qualified term here, psychical realities:

O, rejoice!

1. The tons-of-readings-class (i.e. UN class) concluded (!) yesterday with reports on East Timor, Afghanistan and mock goodbye chitchats with the Teach. A classmate was insisting on drama akin to parting words and what-we-should-improve-on mentoring type of conversations, albeit unsuccessfully. It wouldn’t have been so bad to listen, but I guess the Teach wasn't particularly interested in epitomizing The Panopticon.

I won’t definitely miss the heaps of readings, but the class and the brilliant Teach was worth a doodle in my memories- Uck! That attempt at schmaltz sucks. They were cool.

3. Hello mocha frappuccino! It's been a hell two years of abstinence, according to my psychical calendar, without you. Then I heard about fair trade- finally, something valid to rationalize exorbitant fee for coffee! Bah! I'm still just a student so a draught a month won’t hurt, probably. I had one yesterday, and surprisingly my caffeine-yesterday-depression-today didn’t act up this morning- my hyperacidity did.

4. Idol number 3 talked to me at the stairs of MVP in one on my way to the Caf. We sort of know each other from Immersion during senior year- and I got to hear her sharp yet feeling brilliance then. The chitchat was surreal, and I was blabbering “Is she actually talking to me?” in my head over and over again. It was probably purely perfunctory on her part, but to me it was beyond words. Now, I doubt whether that really happened.

5. I got to know, somehow, a small population of smarties and interesting peeps for the last month. This population is entirely different from the rigid, aloof, and well-lauded whiz kids during MIS days. It’s only now that I get to appreciate genius that makes sense.

...

I have to write something interesting about Evolving Chinese Traditions for Chinoy. Okay, not really. I'm no way the major player to organize everything for this section of the magazine- isn’t it just nice to know that you’re writing for a freshman? And, it's not exactly that I'm passionate about working for a theme I'm not particularly interested in. I'm just tired of the here's-what-Chinese-culture-is-all-about of Chinoy. It's eternal recurrence- a vicious circle if you're a pessimist- that the org “can't” get out of.

But (alas!), this can bring about doodles on issues about the relevance of Chinoys to society at large. This is one of my reasons for liking (?) Celadon’s VMO this year. But, really, mere “what we can do” is not enough. I really think issues not seen up the hill should be discussed- aside from the relevance thing. There’s a need of sophism to validate this point though.

the new what's what

2006-08-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

Vanity doesn't get to me these days. Besides getting used to the usual worked-up face I see in the mirror every morning, the dark area that seems to encroach on both of my cheeks, and the persistent pimples I get everyday, I even don't bother with opinions too much.

I think I'm on my way to complete sociopath-y, if there's even such a word. I only want to get better now, not because of a certain "me" I want to appropriate my identity to, but because I want to do things better; to better my faculties for some purposes other than "being better". The difference gets a bit blurred because identity and action overlap; that by "doing better" necessitates "being better". But if you get to understand this in terms of motivation, there's a big diference.

There's a sense that it's not about some "me" I want to form, it's what I want to do that really matters. It's beyond peculiarity, I know, but it's very real to me.

...

Yes, something as basic as that requires enormous effort on my part to articulate. Why can't I reduce those three paragraphs in one sentence? I've been trying hard this thinking-in-chunks method but I can't seem to manufacture words smarties I know effortlessly write or say.

Once again- and yeah, I need to emphasize this- this frustration comes from the problem of mastery not a problem of identity. To the Foucauldians out there, I'm saying that I love the panopticon because it produces efficiency, not because of its production of categories.

My point: I was dismayed (note: not "hurt") when my essay was edited almost completely because it meant that my skills are not at par to what is good, or that I don't have an extensive range of writing styles.

Or that I procrastinated(!), thereby unleashing the gamut of rationalization strategies I have?

classical social dynamics

2006-08-06T03:28:00.000+08:00

See here, none of us, who persist through books, Internet and psychical realities, want to think of ourselves as the categorical social retard. To put this rather lightly, I’m the kind of person who’s completely oblivious when it comes to coquetry or any social dynamics of the like. To put it worse, it’s the same phenomenon with mob culture: me in the middle wondering why everyone brands my outlook idiosyncratic while validating his or her own. I’ve long concluded that the world doesn’t make sense. I do. So there, I may call myself socially clueless to get out of the rather bad nuances with the definition “social retard”.

Oh my God! I do sympathize with the victims of war in Mid East. This is not an exclamation. I repeat, this is not an exclamation; I’m declaring an exception. I’m up the hill from time to time but I’m no way indifferent to humanity’s ordeal.

Must switch from serious mode:

Come to think of it, I’m becoming a rather skewed social engineer, well not to the point of actually influencing peeps directly- It’s hard to resist really if they come too easy. The priests up the hill have completely brainwashed me indeed. Being with kids most of the time brings this weird hallucination; I can analyze them because I’m nearly at the fringes and somehow “above” things that make up their reality. Sure, too much fiction ruins your head. I’m actually bordering on hyperbole here but I guess you get my point.

Most of these happenings are ridiculous. Leaving them alone may be best for my nerves. But there are times when people just become too insensitive despite the harm coming out of their mouths. Yes, it’s the same high school dynamics where everyone’s a copy of each other and the little breach of those established borders means ostracism or worse, stigmatization of a category whether recycled or created. Then all hell break loose: the victims suffer, multiple identities try to politicize their relevance for survival while the victors legitimize theirs, and the innocents became repressed themselves while- Okay, let’s cut that short. I’m sounding too unoriginal mouthing otherworldly brains.

Of course, I’m talking about college. The latter’s supposed to describe that anomalous state of being in between the questionable “real world” and “your world”. It’s that buffer space for additional growing-up things where individuality should begin to flourish.

And, it’s all backwards with student orgs’ culture. Fine, I’m talking about losers defining losers defining losers in Celadon. I proclaim hither that I don’t like most peeps there these days; too amateur, too overbearing, too much of fantasy about their identities that I can’t tolerate- anymore. But I still have dear friends there, so I must stay.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about bullying. In college terms, it takes a more sophisticated form than blatant pulling of hairs or gang wars; it doesn’t even come close to blatant ostracism. It becomes a talk on corners type, something that’s happening but you can’t have a grasp of it. With more sophistication, the weaker it is detected by peeps’ consciousness. Evil.

Here’s chismax #1: the creepy guy case. Peeps who have nothing to do with him, peeps he hasn’t “stalked” have been the one exploiting his story and filling in hungry chismakers. My gulay, if they want their own stalkers, they can always get me. What is it for them, anyway? Ask me live and I’ll tell you. Chismax #2: the bitter guy who’s in every project- a relatively new kanto term that refers how irritable people around him is alat. Okay, I get the fact that he gets irritating at times, but why the obsession with regard to it? It’s basically a battle about who’s abnormal between two peeps in a conversation. Peeps must convince their minions to go to their side. It’s human nature that’s why it’s stupid- but it feels very necessary when you get to experience it. So when I advised a complainant about Chismax #2, I wasn’t surprised that he kept vacillating between justifying his hate and acceptance. It was so funny I didn’t even laugh.

Yeah, I’m probably proposing of some unfeeling and neutered society- ha, The Giver type! No, I’m proposing that people should stop stigmatizations because these things become a priori to understanding persons. It’s a real unhealthy habit for the both the sink and the source- and it’s healthy for me because I can make fun of everyone. I’m really for genuine experience of people if you’re after genuine relationships. For politicians though and similar animals, this may not apply. Perhaps because most peeps in Celadon are, in a way, politicians, they manipulate opinions regardless of harm.

walang tulugan

2006-08-03T03:17:00.000+08:00

Kuya Germs, ikaw ba yan?

I swear, I've been staring at the monitor for some 2 hours now and I still haven't come up with a proper structure on how to do my synthesis paper for development mgt class. And, I'm apparently wasting time blogging, hoping that something up in my head lights up. I really feel like puking right now.

The teacher was too kind to give us liberty on the paper. It's basically up to us on how to go about it: no guidelines, no precise expection regarding content, not even a how-to-frame-the-cases. What exactly are we to look for or brood about?! I used to have a knack for this, but I lost it apparently to 2 years of excruciating MIS-ing years. I can pretty much blabber about things said in class, but I wouldn't feel original and really articulate. The latter should be a goal. It's enough that I look a total ass speaking my thoughts.

A reflection paper? No, no, no! I don't want to come up with one lame super subjective essay. I want something that really attacks development management issues, which the teacher was too kind not to elaborate.

Uck, still nothing... and this is due tomorrow, no, later!!!

Not only this. I have a quiz and a graded recitation tom. I'm not complaining, I'm reminding myself to plan ahead next time. Ugh.

I was thinking on putting up something smart (i.e. pseudo intellectual) about social dynamics. But I'm not yet done with arraging it and I also have something important to do. I'll have a proper entry by sunday morning.

incoherence baybeh!

2006-07-24T14:50:00.000+08:00

And so it happens that my weekend doesn't. The grrness of it all... Monotony is not the problem- Geez, I enjoy my classes this time and the more than unorthodox schedule; it's the times when I actually speak my own language. I can only do this with my friends, with all my incoherence and twisted logic. Dang, it's not Chinese, but I guess peeps know what I mean. Anyway- okay there's really no "anyway" anyway because, once again there had been no adventure on the physical plane during the weekend, except maybe jumping through islands of concrete, skillfully avoiding the encroaching sea of garbage/mud/flood on my way to and back from school.

Luckily I'm human enough to imagine something's really happening. Well, aside from the war between the Hezbollah (did I spell that right?) and Israel, which, if you're really the pessimistic type, is the exact demonstration of the maxim about history. They're invading Lebanon if you're an Arab, I guess. And thanks to Philippine media, SONA means the next big event in my life. Oh yes, they're very effective in doing this collective hallucination for people, and I buy them, big time. Okay, putting my psuedo- intellectualism out of the matter, "what the world is" and "what's happening" matter. I just thought of the nasty and pompous "debate" I had with some brats last week, thus the insipid re-doodlement of my strong point.

Where was I? Yes, about my psychical reality. Nah, it's not really about the weekend- or pure hallucination- that I've created a reality about. It's about some "funny" stuff last week, which is entirely subjective- so suckers, bugger off. Oh, there was an actual, meaning physical, theatrics during UN class! But those were too interesting in my own world and thus too petty for doodling. Going back to my earlier point:

1. The new assistant of my dentist turned out to be a High school mate! She's 3 years my senior, so one year older than my sis- they were quite tight because of HS choir, through which I got to know her. It was quite weird though that someone you laughed with during chorale days is now scrutinizing your mouth- which is actually a layer away from the soul if you come to think of it. I thought she lost that pure humor she had, until we began talking. Okay, I'm weak at narrating so I'll leave this in one paragraph.

2. She mentioned that her cousin, a batch mate, a pseudo-friend and who we lost contact with for more than 3 years methinks, ran away from home! Sankapah dibah? I forgot to dig into details about it because I was in a hurry to get to the bookstore after my session with the Dentist.

3. Karotski dropped by about 6 pm earlier. Kamusta naman yan dibah? It was raining awfully hard then but she managed to swim through flood to get to our place. I was surprised but skillfully hid it and manifest my nonchalance about it. See, I always think that the last vestige of my privacy is my home so I’m rather sensitive about friends coming over. Anyhow, I forced her to come with me to buy a piggy bank for a celadon fund raising project.

4. I’ve realized recently that I’m close to being a fanatic, yes, not to the point of bombing myself because I strongly believe in cause. I believe in some cause but I value relationships more than the zeal I have for this cause. Relationships sustain and causes give direction. Sorry about the lame maxims I always use to end my random thought with. I guess they reflect the fanaticism I mentioned. I must understand that there’s no one way to understand this life- thus forfeiting my maxims! Good, good!

5. I realize that I don’t actually abhor people who seem counter the way I understand things. I hate their actions resulting from their “inept” “what is”, especially is these things manifest themselves through interpersonal relationships, like hate, disgust, and cursing groups of people. Drop by Celadon room anytime there seems to be uproar, and you’d know what I mean. But I guess they’re okay since they’re kids. But again, in a way, they want to validate their own understanding of people so I’m back with the debate on fanaticism- well, at least in my head.

the lost phone

2006-07-18T00:36:00.000+08:00

Ugh, I lost my cellphone on the train to cubao- I realized it on my way to the grocery store- really stupid. For the average lad up the hill, or even throughout the archipelago, really, it may not be worth much. But to me, it's the only connection to civilization- apart from the internet. This is big time. I'm probably living without one for an entire two months, unless I buy one of those 1k++ phones somewhere in Quiapo. They're probably stolen- and I'd probably get jailed- but I'd have a cellphone. Okay, I'm being too honest here...

It's encroaching, creeping in really slowly, but no way subtly. I know I'm in no way taking care of myself, but I want peeps important to me to understand that I'm getting there- and fervently wanting to get there. I no longer want to rely too much on anyone anymore, and see later that peeps get hurt because my weakness- oh yes people, rule #1: irony is truth. Now, things lost bear great toll; in a sense, I'm on my own to build things for myself. I feel that, very strongly. I'm trying not to ask for anything anymore from anyone, at least for the things I need. I want to be content with what's given and work for things that I need further.

You broke it you buy it. I'm making this a rule of life for myself. Now, I'm trying to sell new age and occult books, if anyone is interested just comment here. I'm also planning to showcase them to my beloved Celadon peeps in the future. To the Jesuits, I'm encouraging scholarly attitude towards these demonized mysticisms of various religions. I'm in no way encouraging heresy.

...

In another drama, is it possible to resent something that had not been yours in the first place? Anyway, I realized that the "pain" I was carrying for the first two years of college- from highschool- had been completely imaginary. During those times, it was a realignment of my entire aim at life that got me over it but I think realizing how stupid it was could have been more efficient motivating me to move forward. The pain is still there, and I don't think it'll be gone. Getting over it seems more like the pain being part of who you are more than it being completely erased from memory. Beautiful people to me are those who have been hurt but still thriving. Perhaps I'm aiming to be in the same league.

This is too much a hackneyed term, but I guess I'm a lot stronger now. My ability to get hurt pushes me forward- wanting to experience more from this world. Okay, that's really hackneyed. I'm ready, I guess- though I fear a lot of things. I'm not too lost and afraid now; there's an aim that I'm after. Thank God and the people who have rescued me. Rule #2: most cliches are true anyway.

...

Things to look forward this week:
1. Dinner with kids I grew up with- sponsored by karotski! Probably a movie later.
2. Reformating my HD. Nothing seems to fix my sound problem. Music, thereafter!
3. Gascon class! Woohoo! Old school teaching and he's super wise, mind, not "smart"- a lot of vain smarties Teachs these days.
4. Indian movie at Ken's with Ka and company. It's only his own obsession actually.
5. Finish Foucault's History of Sexuality Vol 2 and 3. Feeling smart? I'm a wannabe smarty anyway.

kid at the door

2006-07-16T23:26:00.000+08:00

Finally! After more than a month of brooding about my new layout, it's finally up! I had a lot of trouble positioning each layer- ok, who would care anyway. Phew, at last a new layout after a year. This is really hard work for me! Dreamweaver is too sophisticated for my use! Yep, this is all manual stuff- and probably won't work in firefox. Those two browsers are really different- again who would care? I have a new layout for IE a least! Yey! I can finally start on my assignment- those kids at my study group's probably cursing me not yet having my part of the assignment uploaded.

Oh, I'd like to point out that I'm no way down. Someone told me the pictures really look sad in this layout. I was surprised because I thought they project something profound other than sadness- yes it's part of the entire theme but it's not supposed to be its entirety. It's a story actually. Again, it's a story for me so opinions don't really count so much. The main element in this layout is the kid at the door. The "the identity myth" thing is just a sort of allusion for a short while of foucauldian education/obsession- and I agree, for practical purposes too. The minuscle alethiometer has something to do with identity- you should know if your a Philip Pullman fan! "Identity" is also connected to the kid at the door, and, at last, to the eye- to which I seem to have developed a wierd attachment (It was in my last layout, though not this pretty).

Enough art talk- yeah, yeah. Peeps may think that this is all an excuse to seduce the mind to invoke mystery looking at my layout- and they may be right! Hehe! It's similar to magic realism in movies, which critics claim to understand. Anyway, I'm not getting paid for this. Okay, reading assignments next!

arguably annoyed

2006-07-06T01:59:00.000+08:00

I just got into one of those ludicrous "debate" about Philippines' hopelessness. If you're an Atenean and have taken Philo 103 then this "problem" wouldn't even exist because hope takes another meaning. No, this meaning doesn't apply to common parlance; hope means optimism for the non-philosopher. It was ludicrous because we kept on repeating the same points for about an hour and a half without succumbing to either arguments or coming up with a compromise. Yes, there was a "compromise" because the janitor insisted that we had to leave the room- without finishing our pompous debate. So yes, this blog entry is to further annoy myself, and hopefully to convince myself that they were wrong- at least logically.

Since I'm a DS major, I had to defend that there's hope in improving the country- specifically through micro means- grass roots (Uso local government eclat ngayon!). Not really, I really believe that we can do something. I thought that this was enough to justify that something good is happening. They countered that no, everything has to happen through government, which they "premissed" to be absolutely evil- the junior student even mentioned some "soap opera-ic" stuff that happened to his granddad, who was a politician. Not that I'm bastardizing his granddad’s memory, but it's not enough to prove that the government- I'm thinking of it as its entirety- is bogus. I had to reinforce the idea that things work in micro level, that they're looking at things more from the macro level that's why everything seems going downhill. I had to give Marikina's example on education blah blah blah; they had to give multitude examples of corruption in the government blah blah blah. And things go nowhere...

Sorry, but I'm more inclined to think that "I've lost hope in our country" is but a rationalization device to justify their decision to leave the Philippines after graduation. All right, there's not really one reason why people leave- like self-realization and what not; Perhaps you want a more opportunities or to support your family by having a well paying job abroad, etc. The point is that it’s sick to use the line to justify going abroad, that is if you’re really concerned with the country’s development. There’s a lot we can do to make things better.

Just to reiterate my point, for my own sake, I’m not discriminating against people who go abroad. They have their own reasons- genuine ones. I demand that these pompous pricks- not that the ones in the “debate” were- admit that they’re after other things and leaving the country’s future aside, convincing themselves that although they are really concerned with what’s happening to people in our country, nothing good will come out of their actions. They won’t have to deal with their conscience after convincing themselves of this hopelessness dogma.

Now, I'm not sure about the drama part. I'd say T.V. has indeed brainwashed them; that "everything about our country fails" has etched its way to their brains- maybe not that. There are indeed a lot of things to frown about our country. I’d say that there’s a good reason to feel that everything’s so wrong. However, Saying that you’ve done your part doesn’t mean you’ve explored all venues for development. It doesn’t even make sense that you’ve done “everything” on your part.

kamusta ka naman, di ba?

2006-07-05T02:10:00.000+08:00

Upon a sudden burst of boredom, here goes my unretiring effort to keep my blog updated. I've finalized the photo for my new layout but I still haven't prepared the CSS code for it. Nah, I tried using dreamweaver, didn't know how it's supposed to work. Anyway, the point is I'm removing cobwebs here.

I'm well aware that it's 2 in the morning and that I'm eating this whole grain cereal thing. It's something Oprah advised people to take to better their digestion- Foucauldian stuff doesn't apply. Im still buried in the heaps of reading from my UN class- apparently this has something to do with the preceding lines in this paragraph. I must keep up. I chose this! And, the teach's supposed to be great, so this should be fun. No, the class is actually fun except for the tons of readings. I got papercuts all over my body. See, I read on my bed, sitting indian style while bending my back to decipher those legal terms. Ugh, why do people have to use latin language? And, I'm confused how they use "thus" and "hereby". So far, no bad luck. No worries on alien language.

Heh, the title's supposed to be a funny line used in chit chats among college peeps. It's supposed to be a dated gay term. Apparently, my summer hybernation turned off any sense of civilization in me. I was the only one hysterical during a marketing talk (hosted by Celadon) when the host kept on using the line- after demonstrating bad tele-marketing (do I even have to put a dash in there?) to imaginary sponsors. I had a good laugh. I was never into these things but it turned out alright- except that it was a little disorganized. Well, almost anything good is a little disorganized to me. That would count as something bad. Oh the irony of it all, our group even won the contest- I think mainly because of our humor.

On a more solemn note, I'm really enjoying my major subjects. These are the things I really want to learn- and do (give more weight in "do"). Then again, hard work. But that's not an obstacle when you love what requires it. On a more OC note, I'm on a fish diet. I'm trying to be healthy but I think I'm close to starving my self. On a more social note, I'm having fun hanging out with kids at the Celadon room avery TTH 1030 to 130.

Must not keep delaying my new layout! Must work.

freude! freude!

2006-06-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I've been obsessing about classical music lately- I even read up on them. Imagine, an actual phase. I had this phase before, albeit milder. I ended up downloading lots of classical music. It's happening again. Yes, I'm bored- at last! I never had a week's time to think things through. Being bored is good because you reali- never mind. I never had this week despite 3-month's time of vacation. Ooh, I finally found the source of "Joyful Joyful" christian music! Lauryn Hill sang a pop version of it in Sister Act 2! Ha! An excerpt from Beethoven's 9th symphony:

Freude trinken alle Wesen
An den Brüsten der Natur;
Alle Guten, alle Bösen
Folgen ihrer Rosenspur.
Küsse gab sie uns und Reben,
Einen Freund, geprüft im Tod;
Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben,
Und der Cherub steht vor Gott.

Go figure. Not much goings-on on the physical plane; I'm still brooding about my schedule, if you can even call it that. School starts on munday. Hopefully, hell won't follow. I'm looking forward to my classes, despite their incredibly bad timeslots. Three months worth of vacation revived me indeed! Thanks to Mom and Dad and friends! Okay, that was dorky.

Now, about Celadon's formsem last saturday, I'd rather not say much. The program was generally okay but people weren't that great. It was high school all over again and I was Michel Foucault! I had this awful moment with a room mate to whom I divulged my disgust to drinking. Never mind, I'm sure he realized I was exaggerating. Hopefully he didn't end up realizing that I was the odd one out- and that I'm ultimately a social retard! Well, that's not much of a secret anyway so I'll be fine. There was a lot of new peeps. I'm really glad that most of them were worth my time- imagine that, "worth my time!". The pool was also great, we ended up with wrinkled fingers. Oh, and a lot of plastered smiles but I don't get flustered by them easily these days.

About work, I'm definitely getting one next sem! My sched this sem's beyond abnormality that I can't secure either a day or a night job.

been there, been that

2006-06-09T00:25:00.000+08:00

I'm definitely back up the hill, where afflicted affectations seem to be the fashion and Taglish is the national language. Oh yes, I almost felt at home until I noticed that the Caf didn't have any familiar faces: few were left of my batch mates. Luckily, the cashiers and the ate's were the same- no, teachers didn't count, they were of some other order of species. I got to see a couple of these familiar species in my Philo and MIS teach, one while feeding himself and the other, mumbling to himself mind you, while running to SS- to fix some computer problem I presume. Oh, they remain to be curious creatures- Idols, I say! Sarcasm doesn't apply to Teachs, that would be blatant sin.

The Hill's ecosystem is not anywhere near deterioration, ladies and gentlemen. The new mall (a.k.a. MVP-Colayco) is definitely something to color fellow student's life. Something's going on with Mateo-Ricci too.

It was the worst Reg in my entire college life- details sometime in the future, which can also mean never! I have to say that a lot of peeps almost snapped upon my request for their account of the reg. I think they ended at around 730- just for processing all seniors. Something was wrong with the server methinks. There was a point when a Regcom person checked our regform thrice. She was totally out of it- must have been hit in the head somewhere. I totally sympathize with them. Angas on their part was totally tolerable, especially whenever I needed comic relief from the ennui of waiting.

Our DS chair was really kind! He really helped me figure out what courses to take. He even helped me get enlisted after Ate Mel (DS secretary) got home. I was really quite perplexed by the profound absurdity of my schedule- I still am. Two paragraphs seem not enough for further elaboration. Anyway, Sabog but I think I got all the good electives! We never had any really advisement in MIS!

...

This is but to remove cobwebs in my blog. I'm preparing a new layout- finally. Probably Next week... Hardly has anything been up there to really brood about, inanity is my savior.

of caffeine and watermelons

2006-05-15T15:37:00.000+08:00

I'm not really into parading sappy stuff about my life, but this really is a good outlet to feel, somehow, at ease. I hope this isn't the result of chocolate overdose; I have this notion that you're bound to be down down down when you're so up yesterday. Hell no, I ate half a watermelon yesterday not tons of chocolates. I don't think watermelons have caffeine. Plus, I've been downloading really cathartic songs. Really bad combination...

I really think these sentiments aren't worth brooding about. I mean, look at the world! Seriously, people with life coaches should rethink their priorities. But still, I need some sort of channel to free myself of this worthless worries.

This is it for my high school friends. I really feel like we're really really parting- the closest people drifting away. It this "letting go, moving forward" shit that I'm weakest in- I never even experienced real college life until third year because of some unnecessary baggage from high school. There's four of my closest friends, one went to Indonesia, another preparing for Qatar, another one I barely get to talk to, and the last one's working already. The fact that I'm living alone only makes things worse: they're the only ones that make this "living alone" quite enjoyable, even "sustaining" that empty part of my existence. I mean when I say "life", they're in the picture that makes my life somehow colorful to look at. Okay, maybe these may even be hyperbole but I can't take severing old friendships. I can't quite build the same relationship with new people.

I can't imagine how my Mom felt when my sister left for Canada; I can almost imagine how I would be when my friends finally leave. I remember talking my way out of high school drama. I know there's a lot of other more significant things to do with life, but parting really makes these "better things" suck. I'm not good at it. Yes, I think I am making the same departure. But what I'm aiming at seems void of meaning without people who can sustain me. This is what I fear.

No, I won't end with some stupid maxim for once. I'm not sure where this is all going to lead anyway. Eating watermelon late at night is bad. Also, Chocolates and mushy songs don't go together. This is all I must say.

two weeks of newness

2006-05-07T16:06:00.000+08:00

Flying was a weird experience- yes, it was my first time. No, the worn smiles of the flight attendants- as they are properly labeled- nor the irritable fellow passengers didn’t help. It was the microcosm of Asia in the sky where the Chinese was the superior race. Damn jerky Pinoy to my right didn’t get his cup of water half an hour before arriving at CKS airport; Damn chinky Chimays-in-the-sky were still wearing those frozen smiles on our exit. We shared the same skin color and eyes. I was supposed to be Chinese but I’m not.

Lush hills and mountains jutted out as if to guard entire neighborho--- I won't even begin to be all-romantic about this. Taipei city or even the whole of Taipei county is infested with scooters and black dogs! Kids have anime-like hairstyles, smooth skin, and clad in uniforms of their respective schools- the ones you see in Japanese Manga and movies- with uniformed sweaters to boot. It was cold and the air was foggy, at least during my first week there.

It was the nicest "naturey" place I've been too; the city and thick shrubberies and large trees complemented each other very well. They even have squirrels and different kinds of birds on their parks. A man feeding squirrels with tomatoes is the best image etched in my memory. Taipei city proper was very neat, free of the usual trash that littered manila. Even people seemed more neat. It was a far better city that manila, it was obvious enough when I arrived at their airport- a hundred fold better than NAIA.

I tell you, I belong, though not quite. I was rendered clueless by the local dialect. Luckily, I was able to survive most of the conversations that involved me with well-rehearsed nods and unctuous smiles. I didn't rehearse that last bit, it was all-natural. Half-cursing my high school Chinese Education and lamenting why I stopped speaking even Fukien after high school, I go along exploring the rest of Taipei county, unnerved to realize that I had irony written across my face. I was a thick blockhead pompous enough to pretend that I understood all the things spoken to me.

I confirmed that I was Pinoy. It was great to be in a well developed country, to feel the culture, to celebrate their accomplishments, and just to be in a better place. I just didn’t resonate with all of it though. After the initial excitement I felt during the first days of my stay, it occurred to me that I missed the people in my country, my friends and Manila.

On the plane bound for Manila, an old Pinoy hag was sitting on the seat near the window, which my ticket said was mine. I took the pleasure in pretending to be Chinese, talking to her in English, arguing that the one she was sitting on was my seat. She was hesitant to move. The little brown imp, I mean hag, grumbled some unintelligible words and ended up talking to Annie (the Pinay on the center block of seats. We were on the left block of seats), “Eh mareklamo ’tong isang toh”. I kept my disguise just to see how it would end up. Haha, the chinky flight attendant! I was about to show Chimay my ticket while pointing the seat the hag was on when the hag suddenly ejaculated, “Okay, okay, sit”, transferring to the one near the gangway. It was my first time sitting near the window. No hag was going to stop me.

When I took out my Baudrillard excerpt, she seemed unsettled. When I marked the only lines that made sense to me, she exclaimed to Annie, who was probably her daughter, “Pinoy yata!”. I took out the Gift magazine and read the Chinese portion intending for her to see. It was the best show I could deliver. I think I succeeded. When I closed the window she said, “E di nainitan ka din!”- Rather oafish really.

She thought I was Chinese. These things have always been there; it will outlive the hag. It was a good performance though.

nag hammadi shit

2006-04-16T13:23:00.000+08:00

Mom has been bugging me to find The Da Vinci Code among the friends I lent it to. I've been bugging Ka to return it to me, although unsuccessfully. The National Geographic featured the Gospel of Judas last week. Mom was riveted to the show. She was elaborating her theories about how the Catholic doctrines and dogmas today are just based on opinions of old men before. I, being the good 'college graduate', explained some Theo 121 to her; that, indeed, there were some "politics"- or "discernment" or anything within quotation marks- involved in everything: about whether Jesus was human or God, about Mary being called mother of God or mother of Christ, of the selection of the gospels- Jesuit rhetoric basically, albeit amateur and stupid. The show ended with some thing like Why Do we Believe the Faith We Have. Nice, really. I mean would it mean that our faith is based on the selection to come up with the gospels, which most Catholics prefer to believed as inspired by God. Even if this selection is inspired by God, it was the bishops who did it then, the faith of the few. The Judas thing was really a minor concern- at least to me.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our faith is based on two things: the texts and politics within the Catholic church. How can we legitimize that our faith is The Faith then. If we, however, based our belief on our experience alone, would that faith be legitimate as well? The Jesuits' answer would include both, but how can you justify that something in our lives, the lives of the bishops or even the lives of the authors of the sacred texts, is touched by the divine? The Gnostic gospels represented the other tradition of Christianity. Crap, even today within the ranks of the Protestants and Catholics there has been differing doctrines and, ergo, sects.

I'm not even trying to objectify The Faith. Mysteries are okay, but how This Faith is constituted is arguably weak. I will never prefer rhetoric- of yes and no. I know there's no Objective Truth, that Faith is always an appropriation of the community it belongs to. See, with this the question regarding the texts seems to disappear. This is the best irony the world was ever known, the irony most Catholic-educated believe in. I'm lost on how to continue too.

Tada, this is why I prefer Philosophy. It's the thing that is most faithful to our experience as Man. It gives me a feeling that I can understand this "life" on my own capacity and experience. It's the approximation of "truth" based on my experience as an individual and all of humanity. It seems more hallowed than anything else.

...

Ugh, I hate being too earnest, not in this blog anyway- anymore. This will be the last time I'd do things like that. I'm literal and stupid when it comes to serious things anyway. I must keep that since people prefer parades of masks and irony.

I was thinking of giving thanks to the people who mattered in my four years of college. I thought of doing that in my last entry. I didn't do it- obviously. Unfortunately, for me, doing so would have only revealed my murderous inclination towards those not included. Yep, the world is black and white. But it's the end of holy week; brutality is but a memory of my freakin' college life. Yes, come this June is not anything near "college life". Well, I'd like to think that to get me motivated.

Where was I? Yes, about murdering people. I've been downloading Death Note manga. It's about this murderer, Kira, who receives this Death Notebook from a shikigami (God of Death) and starts killing to purify the earth of criminals- by just writing their names in the notebook and knowing their faces. But a genius and renowned detective, L, is tailing him. Naturally, they'd like to kill each other. I really like it, especially the scenes where they confront each other with only a slightest certainty that the other is the one they'd like to finish. Methods of how you would make the other confess that he is who you think he is is a great deal here or how you would make the other fall for the traps you laid for him in a conversation to increase the chance that he is who you think he is. I also like how to the killer thinks of ways to kill without leaving any trace, anticipating how the detectives would thing. Okay, enough nonsense.

the house is half-empty

2006-03-31T01:25:00.000+08:00

No, this is not about pessimism- I'm not even sure if I get that right. They're emptying the house once again. I thought the ones they moved to the other house last year were the last. I was apparently mistaken. Yesterday, they moved the dining table and my cabinet. I have used them since I can remember, now they’re gone. They got me a new one, a cold metal cabinet. They still haven’t bought a new dining table. It doesn’t feel like I’m home anymore, I feel like a dormer. It was awkward enough to walk into a vacant space. Calling it a living room seems absurd even with the T.V. on. The house seems bigger though.

Prospects on getting out of the country are bleak, I guess. That leaves me looking for work. I should earn my allowance for the next school year come this June. Independence day (read Aguinaldo’s June 12) comes after the First Salary.

On other news, Graduation happened last Friday (March 24). The speeches were too expected to get into me. MVP made it a point that half the graduates would nod to sleep after his speech. He was successful on that part though. I didn’t doze, I was counting how many companies he mentioned he owns. I was half-priming to get all cathartic before the graduation. It didn’t happen though. I was at a lost getting out of the mob, trying to get to the parents’ seats. I tried my best to get emotional hugging people I became friends with. I didn’t feel any loss. I want to believe that I’m just shocked about the entire thing.

I went to Celadon’s year ender party. It was cool. Mattel, who was the only Celadon alumni I’m friends with, came, but only for some 30 minutes. The fashion show was dramatic! Never in my life have I beheld a model perfectly simulating a dead body with unblinking eyes. Oh, and someone got drunk. I wonder if he died that night. Luckily enough, I didn’t break his cocktail-bowl (oh, educate me). I wouldn’t have to worry about ghosts terrorizing me. Believe me, this is not mean.

Blue Roast took place the day before graduation- or was it Wednesday? It was okay, I guess. I was with a brat the entire time (kidding!). All the time I was trying my best to be friendly- I ate up most of the chocolates at home to prepare. It didn’t pay off at the end of the day though. It was a bit disappointing not to see people I’ve been closest with. Fireworks were fantastic and I even had my picture taken with Father Nebres though.

My social life- oh yes I used to have a healthy one- is definitely going down hill. The night out we’ve been organizing for my high school clique (oh, sue me) this Saturday is not going pretty at all. Confirmed attendance: 5. I tried joining a reading group- a social theories group- but I opted not to attend the first meeting earlier at 9 pm. Dorkiness is needed for nerdiness come this June. Besides, I want to feel not so stupid.

near-grad happenings

2006-03-14T16:36:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm trying too sift out every bit of sense from the short while of my unemployed life. No, I'm not trying hard punishing myself for not getting "real" interviews or exams for any "real" job. Graduating peeps have this general principle that it's fabulous to bum around for the first few months. Bizarre if you ask me, but I'm jumping on the bandwagon for rationalization purposes. Going back to my initial musing, the universe was kind enough to provide humor despite the more obvious void:

Cool #1: Went to school yesterday to talk to DS chair. I was half expecting someone intimidating but, luckily, he was kind enough to hear my mind-numbing explanation as to why I’m taking another course. He concluded that I had to take it for a year and a half. Glad that’s over-I really have to work on eloquence. I remember the secretary half- smirking when I told her I was the kid who figured out what he really wants to do after 4 years of excruciating MIS “training”.

Cool #2: I got all my grades finally. It’s the first time that there’s not a C+! All were B’s except for Jap (A)! I was a bit disappointed in Philo though. My papers were really high except for the orals! The B’s in Theo and Decision Analysis were a bit surprising. I was expecting C+’s in both. Moving on…

Cool #2: After, I had dinner with Andz in The Old Spaghetti House. Pasta was yummy and the cheesecake yummier. We had to empty our pockets for that dinner. During the chit-chat, she told me it’s worse to talk about other peeps because doing so would mar the slightest sense of importance the two people have in the conversation. I had to agree. What’s more interesting than ourselves? We watched this old flick at her place- Orange Something? We concluded that it perfectly illustrated Foucault’s Discipline and Punish. Had to borrow her paper on History of Sexuality to refresh my grasp of Foucault more easily- coolness!

Cool #3 Bought two books afterwards: Hard-bound Lord of The Flies (rare!), and Eragon. Andz recommended the former. She told me it got her scared for humanity. I had to buy it! I have this impression that she’s one of those peeps who rarely allow ideas get to her. The latter is to satisfy my inner urchin. I had to slap myself after shopping.

Cool #4: Grabbed a coffee with Ka and Ken last Saturday- Ness was not available once again! We had the usual chit-chat about our plans and stuff. They told me they were joining the Amazing Race Asia version- I was like “what?” They have to submit a short video to apply. We are to shoot it come this Thursday. I’m supposed to prepare some witty lines for their dialogue. They prefer shoot the video while jogging. They have to pay me for this.

Cool #5: Watched Pride and Prejudice the afternoon before our coffee session (i.e. dibidi). Was the best classical novel movie adaptation I’ve watched. The English was complicated the way we read it in the novels. Neat! I didn’t expect Ms. Knightley to act very nicely. I love Lady Catherine!

Now, I can’t seem to read the Cosmos’s hidden message. I’m afraid I’m taking Ms. Zafra too literally. When irony gets the best of me, I tend to take it not as such. "The universe has a weird sense of humor", according to Ms. Zafra. Perhaps, experience makes sense when it doesn’t. I intend to be abducted by aliens to prove this otherwise. I’ve seen UFOs twice already so it’s not impossible.

then what?

2006-03-07T23:41:00.000+08:00

After all the orals, written exams and papers, which was supposed to be distributed through out a month but packed in one week, one is but expected to have some sort of tranquility and harmony with everything, la la la la la. It did not happen- and won't especially when you've tons of regrets about the final orals you had with you favorite Theo teacher. I sucked at the orals- terribly flunked! I realized how I could've answered moments before my time was up! It was something to do with Fundamental Option and Social Sin- an easy topic yet I forgot how I was supposed to deliver. Naturally I was so freakin' pissed getting out of Theo Dept- and more pissed seeing the stupid Benildean-turned-Atenean "friend", who kept insisting we didn't do any hard work in our capstone course (the much loved ITM course)- he had to rub his merit in my face.

If you're dense enough to follow me to this point, you'll see the title makes no connection to the first paragraph. What the? you ask. Thank you very much. What was that about? Anyway, I was so freakin' pissed, right? After that, I went straight to two of my best buds who were already watching Memoirs of Geisha at Ken's house (i.e. dibidi). The skanks didn't wait for me! Naturally, I lambasted them with my complaints and regrets about my substandard performance towards the conclusion of my college life.

Okay, I've nothing more to say about post-grad mushy shit. Cathartic musings about graduation have become so omnipresent since last Saturday that even YM status messages shout them- seniors, how pathetic have we become? Naturally, I was one of the emos who put up a similar messages. True enough, such musings may be so common they make us puke, but they're so true we can't escape them- Pabaon was all about such. Pabaon was a nice way of assuring seniors that there's something good down the hill. I was convinced, brainwashed, hypnotized, however you want to put it, with whatever they did in the program, especially Father Nebres's part- except the hour-long PowerPoint show by Guidance and Placement. The latter two tried to individualize us by announcing statistical shit about "our" personality. How about that? You just have to love them for attempting at irony.

Sarcasm aside, this is supposed to be a reflective entry- I've been using "profound" too much, thus the word. I forgot what I was being serious hours earlier. While I was tweaking some codes for my drop down menu (see under chronicles), I thought of something brilliant, but I can't remember it. I think it had something to do with my attempt to work/study after MIS. I haven't talked to the relevant people in school- be doing it tomorrow. Call center may prove to be the most lucrative part-time job there is- but I'm too proud to be take on the job. Shit, I need cash- must start independence right away.

I'm too literal to even make this look trivial. I'm not too lost now, thank God! I used to worry too much about post-grad scenario. I've finally realized that I was afraid only because I imagine it to be such. Must act. I'm trying to get into a few odd jobs just for the sake of experience. I'm not sure about most things anyway there's no point not trying.

...

After trying so hard to digress from post-grad musings, I end up with the same things. Just for a semi-sidetrack, I'd like to point out my profound indifference regarding the current "crisis" in Celadon. I have my opinions and I've signed a stupid survey. People are already frothing at the mouth about it. I shouldn't add any uneducated speculations. Celadon is a microcosm of Philippine society, where the "members" who "have a stake" at what's happening are but the people who make tambay at the celadon table and their galamays. Beat my conyo. Old enmities surfaced the way I like it- must solve through parliamentary means.

Okay, that was not a nice way of ending the ties I have with the org. Don't get me wrong, I love most of the people in there. I just don't like how some people point out the issue's relevance to their lives as though Celadon is some living entity- just like how politicians make use of "The Philippine Society" or the Common Good. Love the freakin' retards. Don't appeal to any abstract stuff, we know politics.

keana-isms!

2006-03-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

I don't really watch Pinoy Big Brother. But with this, I'm definitely going to everyday- that is, after the hellish exams. I'm rooting for Keana Reeves! She's too smart for the other housemates- no sarcasm meant.

...

Keanna-isms on Celebrity Pinoy BigBrother
c/o Histrionics of a balding Drama King
www.illenberger.org

Keanna: "Di ko alam na pinag-uusapan ako kasi ba't naman ako nila paguusapan? di ko naman bertdey"
__________________________________________________

Keanna: "Andami kong pimples wala kasing moisturizer eh"
Rico: "Ano ?"
Keanna: " Bakukang..andami kong bakukang (pertaining to her pimples)"
Rico: " Anong bakukang?"
Keanna: "Insekto... (tapos sabay hipo sa mukha niya)"
__________________________________________________

Keanna" "Buti na lang pinaligo na tayo, akala ko kasi sa Sabado papuwedeng maligo. Paano kaya sila matutulog non?"

( now, i dont get this. tayo tapos sila?)
__________________________________________________

Keanna to Koya: (About not taking bath) Pakiramdam ko po kasi hindina ako FRESH. __________________________________________________

Keanna: "Rustrum!!"
Roxie: "Rustom hindi Rustrum!"
Keanna: *deadma mode* "pakealam mo? mayaman ako sa letter R!"
__________________________________________________

Some excerpts from Pinoy Big Brother and Keanna Reeves. You can just love her for being herself.
____________________________________________________

Keanna: (habang nagwawalis) "Hindi ako makatulog na madumi ang bahaykasi. Tapos mahilig pa kayong magkape. Gusto ko tuloy kayong paluin"
__________________________________________________

Keanna: Ang hirap kaya mag-dishwasher
__________________________________________________

Keanna ay nagpa-fashion show sa harap ng mga housemates habang
nagpo-pose (Keanna): "Dapat pala ay mag-pouch ako"
Housemates: "Pout hindi pouch (tapos halakhakan)"
Keanna: "Eh ano yung pouch past tense"
__________________________________________________

RULE: Bawal galawin ang furnitures ng wala akong pahintulot
Keanna: edi bawal pala gamitin yung rocking chair? kasi gagalaw yun
__________________________________________________

Keanna: "John Prats! John Prats! Kunin mo nga yung chicken."
(hahhahahahh! Full name talaga? )
__________________________________________________

Keanna: (from the rule book) si big bra.. brother ang magbibigay sainyo ng mga kakailanganing gamit...(thinks)... e bat di natin makitaung kamay nibig bradir eh sya pla magbibigay (sabay tawa sila..)
__________________________________________________

ZANJOE: Yung kapatid ko ZANDRO...
KEANNA: Lahat kayo start sa 'S'?
__________________________________________________

Keanna: "Ay naku wala na pag-asa tayo mag-modern times. Ito pa dinang toothbrush...Talagang back to BISIKS tayo!"
__________________________________________________

Keanna - "Streppers ako" (stripper)
...

What the?! Hehe! I'm not laughing because of her idiocy but her humour! I know the two aren't really mutually exclusive, but I prefer thinking that she's smarter than most of them thus the humor. I'm not so much for cerebral or nerdy jokes anyway- too overrated for me. Luv her!

no classes today

2006-02-27T11:50:00.000+08:00

When Kris and his what's-his-name-again pseudo-husband came marching to Makati to "commemorate the first EDSA people power", which usually means "down with the government", I was on my on my toes expecting the worst out of this story. True enough, the story this time became juicier when the weekend came, juicier than the Oakwood Mutiny Story. Our minuscule president declared a national state of emergency last friday- or was it saturday- sacking Maj. Gen. Miranda, supposedly a coup plotter, and shutting down the Tribune. Of course, Chief of staff Mike Defensor would have to defend the "media gag" on TV, making it more difficult for peeps to adore her mole. She is profoundly estranged from the people- basking in the support of her cronies and her "I am the mandated president of the Philippines"- yeah right!

In the end it would be Gloria-kin that would take over the government. Politics is there above us, impervious to common man. While Tita Cory was revving up for yet another show, Mang Pablo was busy selling his taho in our streets. But he would have joined Cory if only she had another Ninoy beside her. Something ridiculously appaling must happen to bring people out to the streets. It's only on the level of principles that they argue their basis for ousting the president. This is precisely why people don't get to the streets. What exactly is the opposition fighting for? I'm more inclined to believe that it's just power and not the principles behind this democracy.

To GMA, please get more clever advisers. You should know that people in this country are too excited about martial law- and too obsessed about asserting their rights. And, Imee Marcos, please stop joining the prayer vigils. You make me sick! To the marine boys, I commend you for being trendy- usong-uso na people power ngayon!

See, I was doing school stuff and when it was declared yesterday that we have no classes today. It wasn't really much of a bad thing since I haven't studied properly for two exams. Politics is really a major entertainment, a major break from the work world. Now, back to my reality...

blind spot

2006-02-13T22:52:00.000+08:00

Things are really pilling up! I have 2 papers, 1 case study, and major research due within the week- add to that various emplyment exams. The world's rushing us and there's definitely not a minute for bumming around. And why, you say, am I here doodling my most inane thoughts? Well, it's a sort of stress reliever. Since I've depleted the bars of chocolates stocked in my fridge, this would be a proper alternative- well almost.

Shockers. I think I failed the Chikka exam last saturday. My friends figured that, after having four years of university education, we became dumber. I was cursing myself during the math part of the exam. I used to be really really fast in this subject but in the exam, I used all the time required for the part. Twas really frustrating to realize that the math part of my brain doesn't work very well as before. Heh, and I think I will get a few points from the linguistic part of the exam- why the f*** do they even call it that if it has reading comprehension and "text twist" type of questions. Iris said it was an easy test and I really think I'm getting more stupid. I missed the Fujitsu test and ITM group work- not that I really count as someone skilled in that group either- for this test. A friend said that Fujitsu exam was more difficult than Accenture's. Would it count if I know some nihonggo?

See, I'm all about insecurity. Sorry for the peeps I've been with for the past few weeks. I was either sick laughing my ass off or totally grouchy over almost any stuff. It's really a problem when you fear both the post grad scenario and the tons of homework for every course. I do want to believe that all things will go for the better but somehow illusions don't convince me anymore. It's probably vague optimism that I'm after that's why I don't feel alright. I've told my Mother about my plans after grad and I'm very happy she agreed. I plan to take another course after working for a year or two. This time I'll get the program I really want and be serious. It still depends though whether the work world will be friendly to me or otherwise. The point is I have a sort of path to tread. No matter how cheesy it may sound, it holds true that such a feeling makes one want to persist. Still, sappy but what the heck!

borrowed heaven

2006-02-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

It's something inner that trembles whenever I listen to such songs. Both gratitude and finitude appears harmoniously in this state of mind. Not that the song alone brought this about, although it really helped, but that the moment you realize how tight you grip on certain thoughts-of immutable stuff, you get the feeling of ewan- I don't know how to put it words anyway. Wierd, I know. But isn't it exactly through this way that we come to find ourselves in this world? Amorphous and floating about the vacuum will only left us more confused, right? Do we just let go of these "realities" that we've come to know as something very real to us? It may sound stupid but we try to get a hold of something ill-defined which we supposed to be ourselves, to be true, etc- when in reality it's based on the same ill-defined stuff. Permanence, is it meaningless to shape it from something in constant flux?

How do you do the opposite? Fear is my motivation of doing the former- I fear doing the latter. I guess, in the end, my perrennial question will persist: It's a BIG STORY but is it my own? Yes, they may not be mutually exclusive, I do acknowledge that. Maybe, I'm really selfish after all. But isn't it a valid selfishness. We were, but we're clueless, ergo the illusion of permanence- even the worship of it to some extent. We feel the need to create myths of the flux and of our won to counter that not-quite stuff which we are part of. Something's wrong definitely in doing so.

Now, I'm giving too much away. I need some serious fizzy drink. Being a Joker makes it hard to be really affected. Yes, this entry ends perfectly well with another effort to concretize the witness. I'm not him by the way.

blasted! the lost entry!

2006-02-06T11:59:00.000+08:00

Nooooo! After editing some parts of my template and saving it, an entry got deleted! Arggh! It was my first entry for this month! I really think it's a good one! I swear I didn't accidently clicked any delete buttons! It's gone! Damn, I made some back-ups just for security.

The entry was about the creepy guy and the movie proof. I won't try recreating the stuff because, same thing with my sketches, I can only make unique things- cannot clone any of 'em. In essence- oh yes I do put some in serious entries- It's about how group of peeps function. In the first topic, it's about glorifying the normal in order for a group to direct itself, thereby conceptualizing "the outcast". It's about the creepy guy Celadon peeps fear or, more appropriately, hate. It also has some major criticism for most of these peeps- too insecure to have their own sense of inviduality, ergo the ostracism. Hehe! It doesn't feel right to say these things blatantly. The second part of the lost entry is the same group thing, althought this time it's happening within the person. The person is my friend who measures her worth based on the celebrated values in our civilization. Afterwards, a short review of the movie Proof.

Okay, I definitely feel stupid after divulging what I meant through my doodles. I need some major changes in my blog too. I feel like everything's in it getting old.

how do you do?

2006-01-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

I'm having a hard time figuring out the lecture we had in Theo last thursday. It had something to do measuring one's worth; that we are who we are in the eyes of God. I just can't seem to really believe this. I want to believe it and really think of myself under such definiton but something in me doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I mean, isn't it through other people that we get the idea of our worth? I guess having a short time to live leaves us looking for something more palpable that will somehow describe our lives in the eleventh hour. That means people- love- right? But that also means endless struggle to be something- of worth. Maybe my confusion is brought about by my faith- probably it's not that strong. How does one acknowledge this reality- well, a reality if you're a believer?

Given that genuine faith does bring about this component of belief to you- that you really hold it true etc, how do you now measure- or even do- your actions? What do we do after really believing this? Surely, by holding it's opposite to be true, we strive to become for other people- and that realy makes sense right? If it happens that I find myself believing such, won't I be dormant and leave everything be- I mean if my only goal in this earth (I'm speaking for myself) is to have some sort of worth? Maybe this is an invalid conclusion since I'm posing a possibility of something not from my experience- that of having this kind of faith. I'm not taking out, of course, the possibility that the believer's action may be toward other people, and not of making sense of his own life- or better, glory; that his action is a movement of God already. In this case his action still makes sense because of the faith's movement.

Maybe this concept is central to my problem. Is the goal ultimately for our own legends or is it a component of God's theme for our (collective) lives? If you follow to this point, a last question: can we ever find that elusive experience of our worth if our movement is that of a former kind I stated above? Maybe the answer to this is also the solution to my original question- perhaps it can answer how to look at one's life through the eyes of God.

living a comic life

2006-01-24T19:51:00.000+08:00

Amidst tons of homework, projects, tests, and job applications, I'm here in front of the monitor doodling away random thoughts that, for the past few hours, have been bugging me. This is supposed to be a cathartic entry but because of the rather unusual adrenalin surge I had this afternoon, I've completely forgotten the thing I'm supposed to feel strong about. Anyway, on with my inane doodles...

Now, with the funny stuffs first- but since I'm not really humorous, disregard the introduction. There's this old man- really, really mean old man- at the cashier window 8. If you're the kind of person who always have to apply for a temporary I.D., or if you have to pay for the release of you're transcript, you probably know who I'm referring to. Yes, that mean old man! What happened was like this:

I arrived 10:20 at school for my Theo class at 1030. I remembered to pay for my transcript so I went to window eight of the cashier to pay for it- and then the old man! I slided the slip given by registrar to him and he stared at me and mumbled something. I asked what he said and he shouted, "Sa window two nga!” Pucha! Needless to say, I lost my overall composure! But the behaved me just cooled it and convinced myself that it was just an old man's thing; besides, that was not the first time he seemed to have shouted. So, I acquiesced. The cashier at window 2, after some checks and rummaging about, signed the slip from the registrar and told me to pay for it at window eight. I relaxed and regained my affable countenance. When I slipped the paper under the glass separating both of us, he asked me my name- it appeared that he couldn't see very well.

Me: "Eirekson (aerecson) Uy po".
So he wrote it, but uh uh, he wrote it as ERICKSON. So I hurriedly blurted out,

Me: "EIREKSON po; A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N". *Still wearing my plastered smile*
Manong: *Frowned and scratched his balding head*

So he erased what he wrote, and tried re-writing my name on the receipt. But he misspelled it again, so I said- a little loudly:

"Manong, A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N po. Eirekson Uy po (aerecson)- now, pronouncing it very slowly. A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N"

He put on this really grim look on his wrinkled face and started to tremble. I was really scared. Looking at me, he shouted:

Manong: "SINULAT KO NA NGA EH! O eto eto *grabbing the rim of receipt and his pen rather violently* isulat mo, isulat mo. Sinulat ko na nga eh!" *He seemed so convinced that he wrote my name correctly*

All of that was done with matching scowl on his face- and cursingly. I swear I could see the red arteries in his eyeballs pulsating! I resolutely decided at that moment that I would not be looked down on. So, the Meany me surfaced. I grabbed the rim and the pen from his clutch and started writing my name over two untidy erasures of my name really grudgingly. He abruptly took it from me after I finished writing my name down; he signed it and almost jabbed the receipt to my fingers under the glass divider! That was it! I figured I would do something dramatically nasty for my exit. So, I grabbed the receipt and really violently snatched it away from his hands! The sound of the paper abruptly being taken away was really effective! I walked away feeling totally victorious!

Really, this is not my thing. But something possessed me that moment that made me do it. I think taking vitamin supplements everyday does that to you. It felt great though! Hehe!

Another curious thing: super gal has a boy weakness! I’m glad that, finally, my image of this girl as extremely impervious to petty emotions is broken- at last, a glimpse of her humanity! I don’t know her very well, so this is a bit helpful. She seems not so distant now.

Last comic stuff: the HR people at the school’s job fair! It was really hilarious to hear this lass blurting out English phrases in a bogus American accent! Sample, “You can tssake this (referring to the application form), fill it(tsk) up and submeeeet it(tsk) with your resume before four (tsk)this afternoon.” Wonderful! Stick with our own tongue; it’s not that bad speaking a foreign language in our own accent. We can even understand the Indians or the Singaporeans right? Or just speak our language! You will still sound sophisticated if that’s what you’re after! Speaking a foreign language just means you can speak anther language, nothing more. What’s wrong with this country?

Did I mention the tons of homework? It’s supposed to be a joke too, until now. Arghh! It’s almost 1030 and I haven’t done even a bit of anything! Ciao! Oh! There’s another one! Dr. T, my beloved history teacher, impersonating McArthur (Yes the one who bombed Manila for three weeks) on his “I have returned” speech! It was really hilarious- he even had props to complement his slapstick! I swear if all teachers would be like him- or Sir Bobby Guev- Ateneo would really increase its number of genuine intellectuals! Hehe! Now I'm stating a possibility; totally skewed logic!

reading smarties

2006-01-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

Seriously, it's no fun reading blogs of supposedly intelligent peeps. I 've been to some three of these blogs. They belong to some of Ateneo's well known peeps- debaters methinks. These lot of smarties have infested the blogosphere- is this even the proper word. Anyway, their blogs are pure obssessions about how pathetic this country is and how special they are. Okay, blogs may be about personal shit but I've never seen such height of vanity. Maybe they're special, but I don't see anything deep in their doodles. Maybe being smart is to pick on reality; not to get something special- more special than they are- out of their crticism. I'm inclined to think that these criticisms are a way of drawing something meaningful, but their rationale for their criticisms is not even close to something they really hold dear.

I guess I'm a reader who looks for a manifestation of the writer's deepest convictions- when it comes to some serious blogging. Until now, I've been too obsessed with smarties. I'm not fascinated with good debaters anymore, but I'm fascinated with the contents of their debates. I'm pro concern more than intelligence.

The world is too dumb for smart asses. They must leave it immediately.

there's no escaping it

2006-01-16T18:10:00.000+08:00

There's really no avoiding it, I'm definitely twenty one years old. I was rather stunned seeing the clock strike 1230 early this morning. I was over my my jap notes then reviewing for the mid term later, then it struck me; my God, I'm twenty one! Like you all kiddies out there, I'm not too excited about entering real maturity. I don't think I'm cut and dry for seriousness. But I guess I have no choice- and this doesn't mean I would have to give up some of my greatest seemingly unattainable goals right? So there's still some "fun" to cling on to. Perhaps I wouldn't find myself in some serious quagmire. If that eventually happen, I wish I would be so prepared. Yes, it's the anxiety about post graduation stuff. I don't think I'm totally prepared to live my own life- I want to but I think I have to do some more major patching up in my life. It's really a comfort to hear similar sentiments among seniors- and the idea that we're not that totally clueless like some 2 or 3 years ago.

My seat mate in philo alarmed me that there's only 6 more grueling weak before grad. I couldn't think of any reply, so I uttered some unintelligible rubbish- thinking she's really confident that everything would end okay. Well, she definiitely has something to lookforward to; she's an A student; and seem really intelligent. I'm not so much into wanting some academic merits- or any kind of merits whatsoever, though it wouldn't hurt to get one right?- of my own; I just want to know what exactly I want to do for the rest of my life. I have some clues as to what that is but I'm not 100% sure that it's what I want. Ugh, too complicated! It seems fairly easy to understand at first glance- and too common- but it's really like placid water beneath which you don't know what lies. It's a problem and I don't want to get into hasty solutions but I guess I would have to really immerse myself to the "real world". Ugh, sappy I know; I hate it.

Ha! It's probably listening too much of Alanis's that puts me in this mood. I really really like her! It seems that every words in her songs always have that indescribable depth you found in 1 in a thousand artists! And not only that! I seem to have that wierd resonance- forgive the word- with the words. I mean I actually understand- as in I know because I've experieced some of the words. Wierd, right? That's what your 21st birthday do to you! Hehe! Anyway, here's one of my faves today. It's from the movie Dogma. It doesn't have the usual element of baffling poetry but it's still cool. It's a bit... uhm profound? Still, Alanis rocks!

...
Still
Alanis Morissette
The Dogma Soundtrack

I am the harm that you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I am your immaturity and your indignance
I am your misfits and your praises
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rapeI am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art I am your bytes
I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
And I love you still

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
And I love you still
...

The lyrics alone doesn't work that solemn thing into you after listening to it- it's almost like praying. I guess you would have to download it to really listen and get that mystifying effect. Wierd me. And I don't think she's being sarcastic- which she usally is in her old songs- in this song.

Today's entry's title's really apt for both sentiments. Happy birthday to me!

it's 2006!

2006-01-08T16:06:00.000+08:00

I'm still having trouble about writing 2006 whenever I doodle down dates on my notes or journal. I guess it has something to do with my reluctance to this very rapid change happening in my life. Days from now, I'll be 21! This is not in my plan! Hehe! When I was ten, I was fantasizing about the story in the book of revelations; I imagined that the world would end in the year 2000- dying at the age of fifteen wasn't so bad I thought. Anyway, change is supposed to be good- well, generally good. It's supposed to make us grow and so on ad so forth. Hmph! A rather irksome first entry for the new year, but what the hell.

So, why the long hiatus? Well, my motherboard crashed again- yes, it's the third time now. Since the warranty has expired already, I convinced my mom to just buy a new one. I'm so proud that I was able to fix everything wihout any help from technicians or my cousin! I half-expected that I would fail installing the new motherboard, but with the help of the manual, and my rusty stockl-knowledge, I was able to connect every cables properly. Hehe! I'm so proud! It was friday when I fixed my pc- I feel that it's performing better with a new motherboard.

Oh! Thanks andz for your gift! Twas soooo cool! It was an audio novel- I'm clueless regarding the proper term- of Philip Pullman's Lyra's Oxford! My favourite author! The story was less than an hour though... was disappointed a bit. I think I will buy some more of these since it helps to augment my listening skills- yes, I'm not good at listening. This is but a plus though. My main intent is to finish novels faster since I'm also a slow reader. Hehe! Thanks Andz!

The usual tons of readings is on the study table. I'm inclined not to look at it. I still not in the mood of doing any homework- evidently enough, I'm in front of my beloved computer doing what-not's. Heh! Okay, okay, I'd be on it in an hour.

Happy New Year everyone! I'm not in the mood of serious doodling so sorry about the random stuff that came out. Must get serious this year...

that something

2005-12-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

Having a lot of mishaps makes it quite difficult to conclude that this christmas is indeed merry. Two of my friends suffered the loss of their loved ones just before the twenty fifth. It's kind of hard not to feel sad for them- and harder not to imagine such loss in my own life. I was totally clueless how to comfort both of them. Such loss cannot be comforted by words I guess. All I could offer was my being there, hoping that such would somehow bring a sort of comfort. There's no consolation in death; death is a loss that cannot be regained. This is the reason why I never give reasons that would make the death lighter to take. I think such takes away the meaning of the loss- or the lack of it to be more precise. I agree that, perhaps, the best way for a friend to comfort a friend is to distract her- not that you make the person forget about her loss but to reassure her that she has another person who loves her.

If it's not our own "legends" that ultimately makes us persist but our being with other people, what do we do after every soul we love perishes? I can't even picture that- even the quite detached experience of death scares me. What do we hold on to in these relationships that really lasts? I think it's a big challenge for everyone to find this one. I am afraid of the possibility that I don't really have this something with my loved ones. I am afraid that, perhaps, all I have been living for is nothing in the eleventh hour.

It's this something that we look for whenever we fantasize about our own legends but it's quite more pronounced when we're with the people we love. I suggest that we spend more time with our loved ones this christmas. In the end, it's this something that matters I guess not a perfect idea of why we are here.

the ramans do everything in threes

2005-12-18T21:40:00.000+08:00

Death. How do you comfort someone who loses a loved one. What do you say? Our lot has been immersed in this life completely clueless as to why. Then we got to have loved ones... then lose them. The old men say it's just the way things are or that there's reason for everything and what not's. But do we just accept them? To be honest, I'm completely clueless. I don't think I can adjust with a loss. What comfort can cover up the hole in another soul? What do you do when a part of you dies? What exactly do those happy people hold dear that enables them to continue their lives. I may know a bit of what to hold onto but I don't think I can continue living my life without the people I love.

I don't know. I dont have a clue. The wise men say the key to things like this lies in our actions. So, it may be a comfort to know that there's a way of overcoming the harshness of this life- that there's something that makes us hold on to it- it's just that we can't know it until it happens to us. Until then, we continue walking our own roads with the people we love. We persist not knowing exactly why. In my case, it's because there's people to care about- my dreams are a plus but their not really among those important things that motivates me. It's that wierd stuff that makes you see life in its grandest colors.

Until lately, what I've been thinkning most is about myself. I've been so preoccupied with how will I be, with how sorry I am for myself, with how this life seems completely meaningless. Mabye it's not exactly about ourselves, maybe it's about other people being a gift to us, of this short life being something wonderful... even for a moment. Maybe we're missing the point thinking that what's more to this life is the stuff that will make everything meaningful. There's that wierd movement of this life's theme that motivates us to cling on to it- to other peeps to be precise.

what went wrong

2005-12-17T01:31:00.000+08:00

And no smart ass, it's not about my right arm! Apparently, Andz made it sure that my "dislocation"- as most people I know put it- be known to anyone who read her blog; I don't need to any elaboration. Indeed, I'm famous now for my major klutziness. Ugh, it was really embarassing. Why did I have to go through such a grand fiasco before graduation?! When Jen heard of the guy who got his arm dislocated, She thought the guy was stupid. Two days later I explained everything to her. She concluded that indeed I was being clumsy. Anyway, Thanks the Jollibee people, Sir San Andres (!), to the government emergency people, and to Andz. Super thanks Andz! Thanks to the peeps who worried- or made it seem like they were. Thanks very much!

Ha! I quit wearing the arm sling yesterday because it was attracting too much attention. I was repeating the same story everytime someone asked- sometimes I would gladly add some more drama or comedy just to make "my dislocation" more surreal. It was really frustrating. I took the sling off yesterday- it still hurts a bit though. I'm really having trouble extending my arm sideward and forward. Believe it or not, I'm totally frightened about it falling off my shoulder- I guess the doctor really got into my head.

My arm really got in the way of my schedule too! I was supposed to take our philo exam that (fateful) tuesday when I got this arm popped out of its socket! Because I had to take the exam on wednesday night, I didn't have enough time to study for our history long test! Sana pasado ako!!!

Well now, my right arm is worth three paragraphs. Moving on, the title is of course under the presumption that I've been doing well. I want to talk about friendship. I realize that I'm missing so much happenings to one of my best friend's life. It really frustrates me because for a long time I've (We've) been sort of ignoring him; Ka, Ken, and I have distinct courses but we made sure that from time to time we talk to each other- I mean real talk. I want to think of this as, you know, growth but the more I think of it, the more I'm convinced that the rift is slowly becoming a genuine separation.His blog was about his exacerbated introversion. Back in high school, he wasn't like this at all. He was comfortable with people, especially with us. Maybe I thought he was. I'm led inoto thinking that perhaps it wall of my idea of him: a friend who would always be there like the rest of close friends in highschool. Mabye I was wrong in believing such things; I haven't been working on it. I'm moving beyond Citizen Kane. That's good right?

Friendships need to be worked on- and I perfectly know that. But what do I do when old buds close up on me on the basis of things they don't even want to disclose? This is really hard. A lot more harder with new friends actually- well maybe as hard as those new friends who perpetually tries to expose your insecurities and weaknesses for the sake of their own entertainment. I was like that though, I was bitter- I welcome them to my life though. I'm definitely a newbie when it comes to old friendships being torn assunder.

Time really changes. That WAS a fact for me until now; I am experiencing this change that had been very elusive. I'm so uncertain about almost everything now. Really really wierd stage of my life. The one thing I'm sure though is that I'm welcoming most of these changes- the minor ones at least- and putting my defense down a bit.

I can't believe 2005 is almost over. I'm turning 21 next year- the age I'm dreading; and the era after graduation. Kill me now for counting the days left for school; I will definitely miss Ateneo. Well, all of these are but under the assumption that I will graduate in time.

great flicks

2005-12-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros and Breaking The Waves. Probably the two greatest movies I've seen since early this year. I watched the Ang Pagdadalaga yesterday with Ka; Breaking the Waves just this afternoon at school- it's actually for Philo. I didn't get much philosophical musings from the latter, but it's theme about faith really strikes through me- that's definitely a wierd way of putting it. Ang Pagdadalaga is a coming of age flick. It's about pre-teen gay kid growing up in the slums of manila- I think it's somewhere in Sampaloc. Thank God the story covers the slight blunders of the camera, resolution and the sounds- was a very very nice flick despite these. And considering their budget, the movie offers great talents too! Indie films are the way to go for the film industry- big celebrities in dumb stories bore people!

Here's my further thoughts about the movies.

Ang Pagdadalaga was definitely a nice way of depicting how kids mature. Taking a stand for what you believe in and growing out of your family's bounds are just few of the things the film tackles. More than these essential stuff in a coming of age flick, is one's loss of innocence- and then coping with with. I think the scene where the policeman and Maxi was whistling to each other over the window- without them seeing each other- is a nice way of depicting forgiveness and moving forward. The use of poverty, crime and corruption as a background was a smart way of putting things into place. It is definitely a good way of giving colors to the characters by contrasting them to each other or by blending them with with the background. Also, it gives additional flavor to the film. One more thing I noticed is how good the film paves way for real individual characters. There's not a two of the same shade when it comes to the primary characters- not even stereotypes brought about by Philippine Cinema, Thank God. Having a gay kid as the main character also makes the theme lighter to bear- plus it gives face to gay cuture. I like all aspects ot the film: there's comedy, Philippine culture, a sense of social awareness, and the coming-of-age thingy. I hate the resolution and the sounds though. Drastic stuff is a must for people to grow up.

Now, Breaking The Waves is a requirement for Philo. I don't understand why the film has to take almost three hours just to get to what it wants to say. Okay maybe I like propaganda films more than artsy kind of flicks, or that I just don't get the entire flick. Maybe. The movie starts by developing Bess's character- a sort of deranged church woman. Later we see that she's really crazy: she prays to "God" then replies to her own prayers by speaking in a pseudo-God voice. Then she falls in love and sacrifices her self for this love. At the end she dies. Maybe 2 ++ hours is needed to picture the nakedness of the movie. It brings all necessary mundane stuff about her life, thus giving it life. I think the most important scene is when She enters the church, after almost being raped and killed- doned with fishnet stocking and skimpy shiny red shorts, and then voicing out how she doesn't understand what the old man is talking about. The old man speaks about loving words. Bess says that it is by loving another person that... uhm I forget the exact line. She sacrifices- initially the audience would think of this as dellusions- herself for Jan. Later she dies with bells ringing in the heavens. Sweet. Maybe with the latter image, the film shows that her faith is genuine. I'm not quite sure about this though. What strikes me is that her faith is to her level. Maybe it's time we understand life and our faith in God to our level. Imagine an alien having an I.Q. of over 300 understanding us. Wouldn't we be as pathetic?

...

At last it's the weekend! Despite yesterday being a holiday, I am still cramming stuff ranging from the usual tons of readings to org stuff and to carreer stuff. Ugh, you heard that right. I'm actually preparing work stuff like applications and stuff- and oh resume- beats me! I felt stupid seeing that I have more stuff written under "interests" than under "work related experiences". I'm really desperate of employment after grad- hopefully that is, next year. Okay, enough about this post-grad anxiety. It's the weekend, so it's time to de-stress! Hurrah! I've loads of flicks to watch care of Andie- Citizen Kane and Ong Bak among others! Oops! No, no, no. Got some stuff to fix for Celadon's GA/Christmas party tomorrow- the music for the fashion show, the reg forms among other stuff!

I just want to doodle about this wierd experience I had yesterday. I got to call some fifteen peeps yesterday. I felt like an ATM machine repeating the same words to each of these peeps. It's quite a relief after I finished. I' not quite sure whether my shyness exacerbated or otherwise. I'm totally not comfortable talking over the phone- I felt my ear hurting after the thrid person in the list. I admire my sister for enduring an entire two hours over the phone chatting about the ost mundane stuff with her friends. I miss her already.

I feel like philosophizing right now but I feel that I don't have the proper words to articulate my thoughts; I take back my comments about breaking the waves being unphilosophical. I wish I'm eloquent enough to ask my Teach in front of the class. Where do I start thinkning when it comes to freedom and death?

almost awake

2005-12-06T21:48:00.000+08:00

I just came back from immersion actually- I still have that notion that what how we see things and how we value stuff are all useless. If you've really seen poverty, you will curse the world for its apathy. We're here in the painted world of what life is. Look at it again! it is but a painting after all. You think its about you dreams- self realization or whatever you wanna call it? Think again brother! Look at them in the eye and you realize how sinful you've become! We've reduced them to be apart of the stench of the city- the sewers, the dirt. Look at the world! Look at it! You'll be surprised how shollow you've become!

Watch a couple of american coming of age movies and you'll know what I mean. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! We're missing a lot. We're missing share in this responsibility! We are missing the fact that we're on the zenith of civilization only because we're at the top of a heap of corpses. Freak! Heartache?! You don't know anything about it? Stop your useless musings over stuff of your own imagination! You are not looking very closely!

I'm not reducing the world to such reality. I need it to slap people awake of their reverie. There's no God out there people! Wake up! See the eyes of the oppressed and preserve that picture in your head. I will do just that. I won't forget. I promise.

...

It's not an inspired doodle I know; I want it to be bare- to be as dumb as how people convinces themselves about the reality of the picture they paint for themselves. I'm really not the emotional type, especially when writing, but I get to feel the same intensity of truth- I don't have another word for it- articulating this experience of the poor. I admire those fellow students who were eloquent enough to grasp this truth. I listened carefully to every words you uttered.

I'm afraid, though, that this one would be another promise not kept- joining the hundred of others I never have kept. Words are cheap unless played out- and I'm not so good at that! It has to do with freedom- but this is not about my volition but the orientation I want to take. Teach said that this is where grace comes into play- and I see some truth to this in my own experience. So, please grant me the strength- if my will to go this path is but vanity of my own becoming, show me where should I go. Please.

imbibed iconoclasm

2005-11-28T00:16:00.001+08:00

It's a long weekend and it's supposed to be a good one. You get to do lots of important stuff like catching up with the times, the books you've been wanting to read, readings to get and done with, org stuff, etc.

But I didn't get to do all those stuff. I devolved again to my indolent self. I was the perfect embodiment of a sloth! I didn't go to the org bazaar, didn't attend my afternoon tutoring session. It was my plan to stay focused this last sem, and I'm totally disgusted with how I spent the weekend. I'm not expecting the best grades. I just want to really get the most out of my courses this last sem. Thank God tomorrow's a holiday, I can certainly catch up.

There's nothing earth-shaking to inspire me writing lately. I think I'm too comfortable with how things are. Not that I don't have issues, but I already have notions on how to deal with them. This illusion of foresight gives me a sense of comfort. I don't know whether to be thankful or to be agitated because all of these only happen in only my head.

Thankfully enough, classes I've had offer radical stuff, most of them anyway. In a way, I can preoccupy myself with things directed outward. Unfortunately, however, I didn't really learn new things. I can definitely be well-versed in those questions I've had since childhood, but ask me new issues and I promise I'd look like an idiot.

...

We had our grad pic taken last Friday. I was desperately in need of company then. It's weird that I didn't feel weirded out at all by all those people- and, I barely knew anyone. And, I didn't feel isolated. I spotted some course-mates to hang out with. My rather unusual convivial tendencies kicked in. They were probably either annoyed or surprised. I can't believe I was there with people I'm not really close to. It was fun nonetheless.

Readings are already piling up so I better start right away. Ciao!

think erin brockovich

2005-11-23T23:31:00.001+08:00

Second week of the last semester. It's as if a lot days have gone into the semester already. We're nearing graduation. It's something to dread and to look forward to. While most blogs I got to read recently are preoccupied with meaningful friendships they've had, mine uniquely exudes a tinge of bitterness. It's as if I never enjoyed it. I guess I never got to feel the same high with friends. But there are those exceptional people who I'm sure I'd stay in touch with past graduation.

It's almost Thursday. Hours from now will be the quiz for Theo. I'm a bit antsy about it and I still haven't reviewed my notes. I call this productive procrastination. I'll start in half an hour. We had recitation on history yesterday and I didn't read for it. Luckily, it turned out to be an open recitation. I was totally relieved. Got four chapters to munch for tomorow for that same class.

Got trouble about my ACP! I really want to go to subic despite my friends' desertion. But I can't because we're about to have our immersion this Friday as well. Ugh! I want to go to subic! I opt not to go to my immersion, but then I'd miss out on a lot. Please move the date for immersion! I'm a bit afraid about the immersion thing. I don't know if I can really live with the poor. I know I want to - to know their plight, to know their lives, to learn from them. But I don't feel comfortable at all to get out of my comfort zone. Need some serious psyching-up to do.

...

What people need now is liberation theology. Lots of experts trying to marry the world with social concerns. Why don't they try to change these structures instead? I'm not taking out the fact that, maybe by marrying the two, they may change the structures. But is this kind of development enough? It is still subjected to greed. An maybe that's what bugs me. Maybe that's the most difficult thing to remove.

Rizal was shot dead despite his dissension with Bonifacio's revolution. He's our national hero. Going beyond sarcasm, maybe there's other reasons why he's such. Another thing, elections have never been orderly in the Philippines. Tejeros convention. Losers always complain. Even in college, this kind of mentality exists. Some even run for positions of authority after losing an election. Pathetic losers. The republic formed by Aguinaldo killed Bonifacio. This is the birth of our beautiful republic. Going beyond pessimism and skepticism, we are next in line. We better fix things up.

...

Got to watch Goblet of Fire last Saturday. It was not at all that great compared to the last three movies! A lot of important details weren't included! Peeps argue that taking out some details was necessary in making the movie. But some character development necessary for the next movie wasn't included! Even Fudge and Dumbledore's disagreement wasn't shown! And, only one dragon?! What about Percy's obsession with the ministry? And Ludo Bagman?! And I swear, the Quidditch world cup didn't go beyond a minute! Even Moody's sort of mentor-ship was not developed properly. They fixed everything up in the dialogues. Ugh, even Fleur and Viktor didn't have proper sentences to deliver. I probably have lots of peeps agreeing with this. It's Harry Potter so I still like it.

I was out with Ka and Ken last Saturday! It was really tiring spending the entire afternoon at school, night at the theaters and a friend's house, and the first three hours of morning in a cafe and a park. I was out until 3 am of Sunday. Get me a real life.

Oh, the title is not related to the entry at all. It was the prevalent feeling I had hours ago. I recommend it to anyone feeling lost. Heh!

almost bbye college

2005-11-16T22:47:00.001+08:00

It's the last stretch of my college life. It's a bit depressing. I've spent some 17 years in school. And now I'm preparing for the so-called "real" world. Yes, we're supposed to be living in a kind of bubble right now that will burst soon.

Teachers seem promising this semester. All courses seem quite challenging actually. I don't want to jump into conclusion, but this sem seems to offer a real studying, fit for an ending of my college career. I'm hoping for the best since this is the last stretch. I really want to learn. Classmates seem to be nice too. I know a number of peeps from all of my classes. I got to be classmates with a number of them during the previous sems.

I don't have the usual tons of readings yet so I opted to blog. So here I am. I'm thinking of writing down notes here actually. Maybe when I get to try thinking about lectures regularly I'd get, more or less, an entire course. All of my subjects, excluding the one non-core and required course, seems interesting enough for me to do this kind of thing. Heh, a plan once again. Maybe this time I'll push through with this.

...

It still fascinates me how Mr. de Jesus fluently details essays, especially Gabriel Marcel's. I didn't notice the transition of the type of reflection from first to second paragraph, and the idea of not having value because of chance being the ultimate player in the world. I thought it was death that makes everything else worthless. Eventually - this is a guess 'coz we haven't discussed this part yet - the image of death makes freedom an essential ingredient in being in the world. We also have a Hemmingway story for next lecture, "A Clean and Well-Lighted Place". We've read that in Philo 102 but I still don't understand it fully.

Ok, another random lecture point. Evangelization must include both preaching about spiritual and worldly salvation and freedom. Liberation theology yun. I totally agree though. And I totally get it right away the first time the teacher talked about it. That's one of my weakest points. Tt's always about agreeing to something in order to learn it. Argh. Anyway, to do this, the Christian must participate in the world because it is through this that he can proclaim God's offer of salvation to mankind.

lila / lyla

2005-11-11T20:07:00.001+08:00

This final semester seems to promise a good end for my college life. I'm taking intermediate Nihonggo, a good teacher in Philo or Religion (i.e. Miguel De Jesus) and Theo (Si Bobby Guev!). And yes, another history class. I like history. About Nihonggo, I'm still thinking about shifting out. Seniors will end this sem early. I'm think that it won't be worth it if the teacher will give us heavier load since we're ending earlier. About philo, I heard he has his quizzes every week. I wonder if I can deal with that properly. There's a lot to doubts about this sem and I can't change most of my courses too easily. Hehe!

Anyway, Goblet of fire!!! Right now I'm reading through stuff in the net about the film: interviews, behind the scenes and all other stuff. I'm definitely watching it next weekend, And! I'm rereading Goblet of Fire! Other flicks to look forward to are The Legend of Zorro, Memoirs of Geisha, Chronicles of Narnia, and Chicken Little! I need to hoard up monies to finance my trips to the movies.

...

Read through this entry or google it to find the title's meaning. I think it's something like "world-illusion" in Mayan beliefs or Hindu. Better yet, listen to Oasis's song Lyla- I think it's somehow related to this word. It's definitely a wow for the band if they intended such connection.

It's one of those days when I feel this weird nauseous feeling. It's not that I want to physically puke, being disgusted at things I see. It's more like a psychological desire to dismiss everything I see. The feeling's kind of related to boredom but it's more than that. It's more like everything seems too much on their own. It's when the world seems to perform a weird show. You notice it and you feel that you're part of it. And then you feel weird, thinking "what then?" after your behold this weirdness.

Now, convince me that this is normal. Does anyone have a proper word for it?

If you happen to encounter anything like this, I recommend that you immediately get a nice book, sit down somewhere comfy then read read read. This practice works for me whenever I get it. Retching about whether physically or mentally won't help. And it's mentally disturbing. I mean, I tried doing it a couple of times- regretting it twice after seeing my face all red and my eyes popping out.

I don't think anyone's given a proper term for this phenomenon. So, I hereby name it lila, something akin to mind-fuck. Hehe! What's bothering me is that I get to feel a separation from the "show" the illusion despite me being part of it. I'm thinking the gods may just be part of this lila after all. Don't they have that same syndrome?

That feeling which seems to point out that people are doing what they are supposed to do- and that I don't want to be part of this play. But I am anyway. That's Lila. In the song, the world around us make me feel so small. Lyla, if you can't hear me call, then what do you say? Maybe the antithesis to Lila is Lyla. One will have to point out the phenomenon.

grades and the future

2005-11-09T23:47:00.001+08:00

I got my grades Monday. While everyone was antsy whether they got grades beyond B's, I was preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and worries on where to transfer. I was thinking worst-case scenarios, which is classic coming from me. Luckily, I got my usual grades. They're in my usual range, decent enough range. I was surprised to see that I actually passed all of the courses I took that sem. And that I didn't get a single D! I really thought I failed two courses in sum. I'm formally a C+ student. I know that this sucks but I do feel relieved.

I didn't get to study a lot last semester, specially for this one major course that disgusts me. A friend called it abominable, and I couldn't agree more, I'm a bit upset about Ethics class though. If only I got to submit the final paper in time, I could've gotten a B+. I still recommend Sir David though. He's really brilliant, a bit repetitive but brilliant. I'm actually planning to buy two of Foucault's books despite their exorbitant prices.

Tomorrow's reg for the second semester. I'm begging the universe to please give me the right teachers. I don't want another Rosana or Dacanay for my core subjects. I really don't perform well under strict by-rote intellectualism or super lame lectures!

Ugh, I used the word "perform". I hate that. People, especially in our favorite panoptical institution (i.e. the school), tend to equate individuals to efficiency. Is that really all we get to be thought of? There's no denying though that after we exit school, the world judge us through efficiency. We are things traded by those in higher circles of power in this society. Then again this is may be a self-imposed problem. Legitimizing a particular world that we are only about to enter is a bit of a premature schizophrenia.

Anyway, nothing really has caught my attention lately. No movies or books to obsess about. The most exciting aspect of the sembreak was hanging out with friends and reading the newspaper. You wouldn't believe how much I read the daily. I read everything from the front page to the editorial and opinions! I can't do these things on a regular semester. Nothing's been too amazing lately- no ups and downs. Just limbo. Oh wait! There's one, my sister left for Canada and that we made peace before she left- but that's a month ago.

And I remember another one. A semi-awesome and frightening thing that's been happening to our apartment is that my mom is slowly emptying the house, leaving behind just my stuff! I was surprised to see our big cabinet half empty! My sis and I used to share it. The half empty cabinet still freaks me out.

And oh! Someone texted me to activate my alumni membership! My God! Are you people that excited to kick us out of our beloved school? It seems as if various forces are conspiring, forcing me to grow up. I already told you that I'm prepared but can't you slow everything down even for a bit?

...

Now, in terms of frustrations form other worldy stuff, we need relief! Speaking of relief, Goblet of Fire is up next week! Eeek! I'm too excited seeing previews of the flick in almost all channels! Waah! I'm thinking about watching it wednesday night- the premiere night! I'm thinking about watching it twice actually! Saturday will definitely be a day with my high school gang! Wahaha! I'm super excited! This is a relief from the boredom I experienced through out the sem break. Hehe!

samhain

2005-11-01T23:33:00.001+08:00

It's the time of the year again. I remember way back in early high school when I was trying so hard to comprehend witchcraft, as in the stupendous theories on how it works and its how-to's. I remember buying tons of books even online. This eventually led me to studying quite a bit about the occult and new age movement in general, from the Lemegenton to the Kabbalah to Wicca.

I've probably wasted 2 years of my high school life reading about these bizare and probably useless stuff. I feel that I could have used those times studying literature or any other useful stuff academically. Then again, it was fun reading ludicrous spells, enchantments, charms, and what-not's.

Anyway, why do I always have to drag to this blog all my residual feelings of resentment? It's always either about dragging the past to center stage or rightfully claiming that I'm moving forward. Why's that? Haha!

Okay. I've change my mind. It was sort of a blessing that I got to study the occult - well, it's not exactly "occult" these days. It lead me to study philosophies behind beliefs. Witchcraft and all those new age stuff are after all beliefs. Maybe I did feel a bit smarter after reading about them.

If you've read any of these stuff, you'll notice that some traditions point to mysticism in certain religions and philosophies of the Greeks, before Christians came into the scheme of things. Those were the things I eventually got interested in. Then came The Solitaire Mystery. A glassful of fizzy drink anyone? Then college Philo.

...

I do have another important thing to write about. It's about the "dinner" I had yesterday with my high school friends that turned out a bit sad. It was the usual four again: Me, Ken, Nes, and Ka. Everyone else was doing something more important? Ugh, what could be more important than us? Like having your routine trip to the salon? It was unfair San that you chose your routine "beautification" over your friends! Hehe! Just kidding! The four of us had fun regardless of of the rest's abaence. I swear I can talk to these guys for an hours. And yes we spent six hours planning reunions, criticizing movies, and the usual non-sense. It was really relaxing to be with them. I really regret that I only have a handful of people in college I can be comfortable with.

On other news, I've been having a hard time doing the evaluation for my flockies (read: Celadon thingy). I wasn't able to talk my flock the last month or last sem! Now, I'm having trouble evaluating them. Hell, I don't even know the projects they joined. And (!) The evaluation document is a bit confusing. Tt needs serious revisions for next year. This is panoptical torture! And, it goes both ways. Anyway, I'm excited about the bands performing for the Christmas party! This project should be exciting.

obviously i'm bored

2005-10-21T13:29:00.001+08:00

I know this would sound something directly pulled out of my Ethics notes. But I also know this would really describe the phenomenon of blogging.

It's about Foucault's way of expanding freedom by writing essays. More than expanding the framework to which we appropriate our thoughts, writing (blogging) here seems to legitimize that framework. This is exactly why people tend to use their blogs as channel for catharsis. And emotions are but reactions based on built-in constructs (notions) of the world engraved deep in our consciousness. In short, there's only a few people around the blogosphere who really writes essays. I mean real essays. Ergo, no one really grows in this kind of environment. People only justify - by mere description - what they think about the events in their lives.

That's really sad. My first motivation for writing is to find ways to grow. Well, more than overcoming my fear of exposure and acquiring more err.. confidence, I thought about expanding my own "framework" so that I'll be more "wise" in a sense. But I have been doing the exact opposite! It's not that this is bad, it's just that all of my entries have been about how I feel and think about stuff. They were never not about understanding the motivations for having those thoughts or feelings. I haven't been writing real essays.

But of course you can contradict me; that blogging itself is not about such, that it's just about plain doodle of whatever peeps want to write about. Hell, that's exactly what I've been describing. This blogging phenomenon is exactly "whatever" (i.e. nonsense). Save for some few, most peeps write about whatever, which is their thoughts and feelings plainly written, not understood. Hell, we don't even write about issues in politics or any other social stuff. Then again, this is democracy after all.

...

Well, read the title of this entry. I haven't been doing stuff these past few days. And it's only two days into this sem-break. I failed to wake up 600 in the morning to jog in 2 days. Neither have I started on the books I scheduled to read. The only thing I look forward to is the weekends with my high school friends. Oh, and later, Corpse Bride! I'm also thinking about buying a PC game to fill the total ennui the succeeding days have for in store me. Any ideas?

And, I'm doing it again. Vanity, the curse of blogging.

not exactly

2005-10-18T23:38:00.001+08:00

The semester's not yet done yet. I have to defend a project tomorrow. Thanks to a series of unfortunate events that happened.

Yesterday could've been the real start of the break. It's not even about the excitement of vacation that make me so irritate. It's because I'm probably getting the lowest grades ever for this semester. The last month of this sem is the worst in my entire college life.

I'm probably out of vocabulary because of that 21-page paper I submitted yesterday. Preceding entries probably contain the same phrases. Even words get exhausted because of all these ordeals. Oh well, I don't have any word that refers to this kind of madness anyway.

...

It's been more than a week since my last entry. I'm just clearing my blog of cobwebs that's all. Aside from all these school-related tribulations, I had to deal with some personal stuff during the last two weeks.

I finally made it up with my sister the day before she flew for Canada. The university is in Ontario. University of Toronto. Where did I get Oregon anyway?! Is it even in Canada? The hell, anyway this isn't my point. Peace with ate at last. It was after the abominable Proj. Mgt. exam, which I think I'm flunking, that I got to talk to her. It was weird. She even told me I was being too emotional about her leaving. Duh, it will be for some 5 years. And that even depends on whether she would want to stay there for good or otherwise. The important thing is I managed to salvage my being a brother to her. And yep, I was quite maudlin about everything else that night. I can't believe I'm doodling this down.

The other thing was all the bustle about fixing this place. In a few week's time, living alone will be a reality. My reality. Just this morning - and late afternoon - I was moving the furniture around. And the necessary OCfication of my other stuff followed. You wouldn't believe the trash I've gathered from school. There were the papers I got to use this sem - especially the SCM slides - I really hate that subject err.. with passion. Anyway, I'm thinking about repainting the walls.

There's a lot of worries but I guess I can live alone. I just started organizing stuff so that'll continue for several days. I really want to change how things are placed in this house. I want to feel new before the second sem starts.

So, that's about it apropos the past few days. I plan to jog everyday after tomorrow - maybe swim - and just hang out with my high school gang. I'll probably help out fixing stuff in Nova. And oh, I'm having a list of what to read this sem break. Andz, don't worry Donnerjack's in the list. I can return it next sem. And movies, movies, and more movies! I'm now fantasizing about watching the Corpse Bride! Ka! Hurry your school stuff so we can catch it this weekend!

still growing up

2005-10-08T17:08:00.002+08:00

Last two weeks were the most hellish weeks of all hell weeks I've ever had in my entire college life! It would take me 2 whole days to recount every sordid detail. And It would probably be mortifying anyway when I get to read this months from now.

Aside from the usual tons of school work, I kept having my occasional emotional breakdowns. Oh shut up! I'm dealing with it quite okay lately. I think listening to music really helps. I've been listening to new songs for the past 5 days to lighten the mood. And yes I can play however loud I want to since sister is not studying anything anymore. I finally found another remedy for heartbreaks aside from chocolates. *slaps himself suddenly*

Anyway, let's continue trudging. Perhaps that's the proper word for what I'm feeling. I'm hoping for a good ending. So I better pay attention so everything will not end in heartaches and broken promises. It really feels like I only half-want what I was aiming for. Is it an imagined glory or perhaps a true dream? I really don't know.

I will be living alone in a week's time. I'm quite excited but also afraid. Sister is leaving for Canada, while mother and father will go back again to Taiwan, and Manang to our house in Nova. This is all going too fast. But maybe it's necessary for my growth. This is it, I'm really about to enter adult life. I need to learn some more lessons fast. I really need some help from up there. I can't imagine coming home from school or work only to be greeted by silence and still air. I've been thinking a lot about this.

...

And no this entry doesn't come down to the paragraph above. Yesterday, we had our last ISA class with Mr. Maguyon. I really appreciate his warm parting remarks. I never thought CS teachers were capable of warmth, let alone communicating their feelings. Nah, just kidding. We're going to miss him definitely. He's forming this club for public speaking next semester I think. I just thought about doodling about it. I guess the gesture just reminded me of how teachers are really mentors. I miss my favorite high school teacher.

panicky morning

2005-10-01T10:10:00.002+08:00

Just when I thought this week's horror is finally over after yesterday's mayhem, my partner in a project due on Monday got sick. And he told me just minutes ago! He told me the doctors think he contracted Dengue. I'm not blaming him of course, I blame myself and the mosquitoes! Damn the blood suckers! Damn it! I could have gone with him to the company yesterday but he wouldn't let me. He said he's the only one allowed in the company because it was his sister who's employed there.

I couldn't help but blame myself for not being too convivial enough to get a group before last week. Ugh, the world hates me and I can feel its loathsome stare at this very instant.

Luckily though I have tons of chocolates to comfort me, care of mother and father. I got to eat a box this morning instead of eating a proper breakfast. Nope, it's not a lot. The box only has five pieces wrapped in a gold and silver aluminum foil. It's really ridiculous to see such ornately designed sweets. I mean people are concerned with the taste not with how it's wrapped. And, the box is large enough to contain 15 pieces of the same kind.

The world is insane that's why it hates me.

Moving on, Om invited me to judge a talent show organized by their org yesterday. He actually asked me Tuesday before that. I got carried away and agreed on it. The succeeding days got me thinking about the qualifications to be a judge. I only have had too small experience on such things. I was convinced I could do it because he had too much confidence in me. I, on the other hand, had too little. So I refused to go. I excused myself by saying that I had to e-mail a project stuff to my partner. It was true of course. Nonetheless, I could have gone if I really wanted to.

I'll probably start with some Philo readings today. I'll get to finish at least two books by tomorrow. Then the Theo thesis statements, then the set of exercise for Supply Chain. The panopticon is reinforced and I'm so motivated today.

I hope things would get better soon. I'm running out of chocolates.

friday fiasco

2005-09-30T08:36:00.002+08:00

I don't have the guts to face the class after our horrid presentation. I just came out of my Poli Sci class short of crying. It's beyond horrible really. It was a lame puppet show by college students. Que horror. Cringe fest! We procrastinated, yes, but I can't believe it was that bad. I was holding every tidbit of emotion a while back. But not now that I'm in Faura Lab, I can spill every drop of puke I've been holding back. I'm going to obsess about the grand fiasco.

I don't feel that bad. Dianne, on the other hand though, suffered a paroxysm of resentment and mortification. I think she's aiming for an A. I do too but I'm okay with a B or a B+-. Please get me a B+. We figured it best not have classes with our Poli Sci classmates next semester. "Oh you were in that group with the puppets." No, we don't want that!

I feel bad about disappointing our teacher. She seemed genuinely interested in our presentation initially. Also, most people in the group have an A or B+ standing. She was expecting something brilliant from us. I feel like I could have done better to prove myself.

Yes, I still feel good ending this week. I couldn't pull everything off quite brilliantly though because there were a lot to do! Yes, I could've scheduled every moment but - oh okay - why didn't I? Our Theo presentation yesterday went a little better than the one I had this morning. It's still a bad one though. Damn the audio system in SS AVR! Despite these, I had fun in with my group mates for both Poli Sci and Theo.

...

Now, on with the good news!

Parentals will be home for some weeks. I think they're preparing everything before my sister gets to fly to Canada next week. They will miss her definitely. Even Manang told me she'll miss my sister despite her.. oh well. Regardless of our open war, I think I'll be missing her contribution to the burgeoning noise pollution care of our neighbors.

I'll be prepare living alone for some five years. Well, make it forever. We'll see about independence. I will get to cook for myself, wash the clothes, clean the house, etc. I feel like growing up again. That won't happen right away though. And I'm okay with the prevailing state of things.

I'd love to try independence. I really have a lot of catching-up to do with fellow kids in that aspect of maturity. I'd like to try living alone. I want to live, experience everything I haven't done before. I want to learn about life the way my mother and father did, maybe even more than they did.

together yet separate

2005-09-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

It's quite ironic that you get a pang of separation once you picture in your head how you are situated in the world. It doesn't happen often now, probably because I am incessantly inundated with concerns of the world. It would be proper to be glad about it, but I feel otherwise.

That's perhaps the reason why I rationalize too much the inanities in my life. Maybe I'm trying to run away from the real world by trivializing it. Perhaps viewing everything as something separate from myself would help me fool myself and hide what I really feel. And it sucks big time.

I wouldn't say it was about the damned exam or being the only person without a group yet, or chemical imbalance from the tons of chocolates I ate yesterday. No. Although I can say that these things forced me have same withdrawal time and again, that pubescent anxiety.

I am. Together yet separate. Holding back yet moving forward. Known yet invisible. I am a paradox. Even in its most casual sense, how you understand the phrase depends on how you see yourself and what you behold.

I haven't done any of my assignments. I feel so unmotivated.

I envy people with eyes intent on their paths, like the ones you see on the streets who don't care too much about what's happening around. They're the ones who seem to have definite destinations. Whereas I, when walking with this same crowd, take glimpses of their faces, admire them, and then move on aimlessly.

Then again, it's probably my frustration because I do sense some general direction. I realize that I always end my entries with this kind of dichotomy. A fascinating contradiction.

saturday means school

2005-09-25T12:30:00.002+08:00

As the title says, I spent yesterday in school. It was all group work the whole day. I had to meet my POS group mates in the morning and my Theo group in the afternoon. All in all, I think I only got an hour to eat my lunch. Luckily, Cez entertained me for an entire hour. Otherwise, I would have had to eat in total silence and solitude. My groups for both subjects were not the serious type so I really enjoyed working with them.

The morning Poli Sci meeting was fun. Aside from the laughter-inducing remarks on our everyday college life, we got to talk about how we were supposed to present our report, creatively. Our ideas went from wearing Muslim attire to mimicking the Abu Sayaff to presenting a sort of Oprah show. Our teacher assigned Muslim Succession (Philippine context) as our topic.

The first idea was an exhibit. We thought about showing pictures in different booths then explaining them. We thought it would be brilliant to pose as statues per booth too when we get to explain it. One of us would be animated to report everything about the pictures. I actually like the idea of pretending to be terrorists, brandishing M16 and holding it to my teacher's head. We thought about mimicking gunfire as the class enters the dark room, then all of a sudden we're holding or dragging our teacher to the podium for everyone to see. All that before we get on with the actual report.

Fine. Writing about them is so NOT funny. I wonder why we laughed so hard about those ideas. It's the third that I like most. One of us would be impersonating Oprah or our local Kris Aquino. Her guests would be Nur Missuarri and Hashim Salamat. Then they would be responsible for discussing details of our report. I think we agreed on what to do, I just forgot what it was.

Then there's lunch. We were supposed to do a sort of soap opera to present our short story. We had to film in short. I was getting quite panicky about not having the script to be used later in the afternoon. Luckily, my group mates were not that mad seeing that I didn't have the script. Hubert, who I confuse with Aubert all the time, and I wrote everything down. It was really cool seeing group mates having fun filming the short story despite the rain and general fatigue. We failed to finish all the scenes yesterday. We got to shoot 5 out of 7 scenes. I hope Rosana would be satisfied. It was a story about commitment.

I was expecting a get-together with Ka and Ken again but I figured to just get home and rest. It turned out that Ken was tired too and Ka was grounded. I got home around 7 and found my sister all dressed up. She was about to leave for a reunion with her high school friends. I was rather all happy about having the house for myself yesterday. It was all quiet. I dozed off in no time.

week in recount

2005-09-23T08:51:00.002+08:00

It's been a week already since my last update. Hell of a week as usual and I never had the time to doodle. I have had a lot inspiration lately. It would have made a nice entry. But workload from school won't let that happen. This week wasn't really a hell week. It's actually the bum week with the exception of two exams and my everyday heaps of ridiculous readings for Ethics class.

Saturday. Party with the kids we were tutoring in Kaingin. It was really fun seeing their grannies do the Ocho-ocho. It was not a usual tutoring day. It was a party and everyone was in a cheerful mood. I got to laugh a lot. I rarely have a laugh with the Kaingin crowd. So that should be good.

I always wonder if the kids benefit from our tutoring. Are we just trying to convince ourselves that we're actually helping. Social justice through education. Honestly, I think what we're doing's very small. I don't see palpable gain on their part.

Ka phoned me about the coffee later at ten with Ken. After his month-long tour throughout Europe I thought it's about time he shares his adventure. I was really excited. After some four hours waiting, we went to Starbucks Binondo - Somebody should kill me now. I've been there twice this month now. And I'm already skint! I mean real skint! I had to borrow money from mother. - Anyway, Ken showed us pictures of The Louvre, Amsterdam, and Rome. I really want to get there someday. Oh, they - with his cronies I guess - also went to Polland, where the mansion in the movie Sound of Music stood. His friends were all excited to explore the mansion but he wasn't. He had no idea what The movie was about. He showed us the place where the I am Sixteen was sang.

Ka shoved me some movies. And I got to watch everything last Tuesday, rather than reading the tons of Philo readings for the following lecture day. They were Erin Brocovich, Adaptation, and Love Actually. They were all good, especially the first one. Now, whenever I feel down, I just think Erin Brocovich! Haha! I wonder if Ka's somehow manipulating me with the movies she lends. I really need the lessons in the movies - like when she lent me Shawshank Redemption - among other movies. I'm sure I'm making this all up.

Monday was spent on nothing at all. Naturally I procrastinated studying for Theo and Supply Chain later that night. And my gulay did I regret this! I was totally lost on our Theo exam, bordering helplessness. And just don't talk about the Supply Chain exam. I definitely sucked at it. I'm doomed basically. So, right after that I had those three movies to comfort me. Ugh, get me a life.

I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday that I got to hang out at the Celadon table. I was rather shocked to see this usually meek friend exploding. I mean it's a cat-fight! This is high school all over again: complication and everything else about love and friendship. It was immature but cute in a way. Really funny seeing at least two cat fights this week. One's in a thread of e-mails and one live. This is entertainment!

And just when I finished entertaining myself with the movies, I realized that there's a quiz the next day. The usual Maguyon quiz. I got lazy and decided to study the morning after. Nothing quite radical happened this week. I was rather disappointed though 'coz I usually find something worth writing about every week.

Oh, yesterday Ms. Rosana finally got into classmates' head yesterday. Finally, people started genuinely articulating their thoughts. See, it's usually the pretty girl (i.e. drunk barbie) to my left who gets recite every time Ms. Rosana would require the class to participate. I guess it was the topic that stimulated people. It was about the concept of promise (of forever) that is in question. I could have formed a heartbreak club right then and there. Poor me never got to participate. Yes, my love life has never been resurrected after it died in high school.

downtime beybeh

2005-09-16T20:20:00.003+08:00

Yeah. It's just one of those weekends that I utterly feel down. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel insufficient. I feel that I've let people down. I mean, I don't even have that five-year plan. And I'm already in my final college year. I really have to do something fix myself. I really try. It just seems that every move I make proves either not enough or frustrated by usual vices. If only I have been someone else, it would be a whole lot easier.

Yes, I don't have that five-year plan the guidance counselor asked me about. I do know what I want to do though. So I guess that's beacon of light somewhere far off in the horizon. But, still, I don't really know how to get there. And right now, with how I perform and everything, I don't think I can get to where I want to be. It's so frustrating.

I have hope. I do sense some blessedness. And I'm genuinely grateful. For one, I never planned to live after 18. And I'm here. My only chance of getting something really meaningful out of this life is to get to where I want to be. And I'm no where near that. It's just a problem - a frustrating one - but I'm no way near despairing.

It's just me holding myself back. At least I'd like to think of it that way. I have so many fears, insecurities, and vices. They make each step toward my goal difficult. I can work hard to get there. I'd like to think that way.

meanies should die

2005-09-15T16:02:00.003+08:00

Project Management class two hours from now. I thought I'd write about the entire week that just happened and rant about it:

I hate the slightest condescension from anyone. People can be clueless that they're obsessing on every possible encomium they decorate themselves with. It's paltry and pathetic. The slightest air and I'm irritated, almost wanting to pluck their eyes out. I've been with such people lately.

Second musing. This one's a give away. Why the hell would cellphones have foul mouths? You shoo away people then you wonder why they hate you. Puerile. I am patient when it comes to friends. But smiling the next day after a fight usually freaks me out. Don't for a second think that the entire world needs you, that people beg for some favors from you, That you are being used or whatever.

Third. It just gets too strong sometimes, that same anxiety I had back in high school. The same search for a comfortable place. Good people are indeed rare. I had a hard time liking it here during the first 2 years of college. I hated most people I met. Now, I found good ones. I'm off to a new road in a few months. I feel that I've built those ties too late.

Fourth. It's hard to find a decent person to talk to. I know it takes time for bonds to get strong. But it just seems to impossible no matter how I try to reach out. I am a part-time introvert but I try anyway. And I'm beginning to get tired. Really tired.

Maybe 20 does something to everyone. You've worn a mask for so long that you just can't take it off. I don't feel isolated anymore. It's just that I can't climb those high walls that some of these people I really get to like have built around them.

...

Philo class was super this afternoon. I can listen to Father David non-stop for hours. He talked about how power shapes/controls individuals; that we are in prison ultimately because we unconsciously think we should behave, think, etc, etc, in certain ways prescribed by the powers-that-be. That's why Psychology seems so powerful because we find it crucial for explaining ourselves and the world. It determines what should be.

Hearing him talk about everything else is way more profound that summarizing major points in these gaudy lines.

monday

2005-09-12T08:26:00.002+08:00

I kept thinking it would be the worst group work I would have this semester. I would never be on the same wavelength. I was a pariah. They've been a group since summer for practicum.

I noted that I'd remember every detail of this group work, especially the bad ones for future grim party anecdotes. I thought it would also get me some equally grim inspiration for writing another blog entry. But no, I really enjoyed most of the group work. I had fun even with some of their jokes - and that never happened before. Luckily the geeky boy band wasn't complete (batch mates call them techie boys). I would have probably sulked in a corner and curse on corn otherwise.

...

I watched Sky High yesterday with Ka. Bad movie. She told me Ken just arrived from Germany last Thursday and he has no time for us. He's probably turned into a German sociopath? Not that Germans are sociopaths. It's just that when I think of Germans I think of sociopaths.

We had some coffee afterwards at Starbucks Binondo, as per usual, and talked about random stuff. We still don't have the 5-year plan that my guidance counselor recommended. That was what we mostly obsessed about.

*students fill the lab now - a bit noisy* I have to go to get my envelope from Char. Crap, I totally forgot about Muslim secessionism. My POS group mates must me reading about it now. I should too, Wah!!! And I'm up for recitation tomorrow for Ethics class, but I haven't read a single page of Foucault! Crap!