alone

I remember something about last week. I was out everyday looking for a job. My schedule was, usually, interviews or tests in the morning then school in the afternoon for the job fair. And that wasn't an easy task. Most of my tests and interviews were in Makati. I had to ride two trains from Makati to school and vise versa, and a lot of walking. I remember dining at various restaurants and usually fast food chains alone. That what really struck me more than the tons of walking I had to do. I didn't exactly feel alone or lonely in the first couple of times I did it. But on the third day that I had to eat alone, it occured to me that I Am Alone and lonely.

It was this one time, friday and a few minutes before dinner time that I decided to placate my grumbling stomach. I was sitting at a corner of a McDonald's branch at a mall arranging my orders, then I notice that everyone had someone with them. I front of me was a couple happily chatting their plans for the weekend while chidding their two kids, a boy and a girl who couldn't stop playing with their fries. Immediately to my left were a group of people who are probably in their sixties, talking about a common friend, happily excahnging their opinions about him/her.

I sat on a table with four chairs and twice did someone asked for the vacant chairs. I felt so alone. A group of noisy highschool girls borrowed the second chair and I watched two of them took that chair away to their noisy group, they really lively and boisterous and quite happy to share each others' company. And then it happened. Something broke into the well guarded mullioned sappyness. I used to reassure myself that I can live on my own, get old on my own, die on my own... the usual misfit's dramarama. But it struck me, have I been planning to starve myself of bliss? I have been all about survival since that stupid lesson on Sarte (at least in my head I'm all about that). Alanis was right, we have to decide between survival and bliss. The vital question is: Is your hope (or motivation in life) about merely clinging on to something dear (and elaborate its complexities so that you can arrive at God) or do you go after happiness and the possibility of it?

where's my torch dear sakyans

What the hell. I figured to write rather than excruciatingly wait for employment prospects. Yeah, I might not have anything juicy right now but I ought to do something. Yes I'm at a lost again in the job market and almost begging for someone to notice me. Ha! But I won't surrender or despair, nor would I wait for The Meaning of Life to dawn on me. No. For now, I should write... err to ebb off any sense of purposelessness. I should feel like I'm doing something worthwhile- and fortunately writing does take a toll on me.

So since my last update, I had that highschool reunion with fellow Sakyans. It was a blast and I got to meet some old friends. Key word: some. Yes those hollow-skulled big bad high school bullies were there as well. They were fat, pot-bellied and a few were horribly ugly- and probably fathering children. Anyway, the good ones were there as well- who are doing great right now(good business, med school, good careers, etc). I actually wrote an entry about it but it was erased by pc gods. Perhaps I said something appalling about those (now) prissy school administrators who welcomed us so unctuously. I mean they didn't gave us time to hate them at the homecoming, hate inspired by those unbecoming highschool years. Lol! Anyway, we shouldn't dwell on that. So after Jan.14 homecoming, I finally got to fix my thesis grade and clearance in school. And last week I got interviews and I submitted resume to a job fair sponsored by our school. I also applied for social security as well. And just this week, well... one test and a lot of waiting and reading and waiting.

About employment prospects... hmm. Well I definitely failed at least 3 interviews/tests I think. One asked me to write a code on a white board, another was also a programming tests and sudoku puzzles (I know: what the?)- which I by the way didn't finish because the business owner freaked me out and I'm rather nauseous about sudoku (and it was my first time!). The third is the renown p&g exam, which I failed again (after two years since my last try). But I'm not giving up hope one those others, three jobs that I really want.