ego-deflating incident

Today is an important day for this day reminds me how I'm up for the show when "speaking my thoughts" more than actually sharing knowledge. It's almost disgusting actually, but, of course, intially I was all defensive- on how I only interchanged GDP per capita to income compared to the poverty line. Now that might have been the case but, still, I wasn't thinking properly because I was all hyped to recite. I wasn't thinking properly at all. I just wanted to talk, thereby making the juniors laugh their guts out and letting the teacher down- because he taught the very exact same concept last sem. The Teach made it a point to stress how disappointed he was with the answer. It was humiliating, to say the very least.

Maybe I'm thinking more of the show rather than content of every supposedly intellectual diarrhea. Maybe that's the reason why I can't even inform my HS friends about concepts of development- err, substantially. Maybe I don't have enything to articulate, and I just want to seem like I know stuff! Maybe I feel bad not because I can't seem to say everything properly but because I don't appear as if I know stuff!

I don't know why I'm feeling really down lately. It's probably because my saturday sessions in payatas are not working out the way I envisioned them. Add to that my desperate efforts to try to belong to college- with all my faculties wanting to get out of it already, the added stress produced by drama people around me, two boring classes... Must focus. Must regain career mode.

paranoia-inducing socialization 2

Yesterday could qualify as one of the longest days of my life. But this entry is not about that. It's about one of those all-consuming female viciousness, of bitches as group mates. Oh, yes. It was back in high school for these girls baybeh, where claws are poised to claw out my eyes and my sharp tongue ready to strike. But there's no time for the latter. They simply are in my way. My second round shouldn't have been about dealing with such people.

I prefer to be confronted with whatever people want to say- in-your-face style. I feel so bad when people get to you by mere actions, backstabbing or, as it is in my group, dynamics. It's so fucked up and so high school. Ugh! One of them even makes a point to make you feel that it's all your fault. Why can't everyone agree that the end of the group work is not their already inflated egos (nor mine, but they argue otherwise), but something greater that we all contributed to attain?! Why can't people settle things by talking? My sister told me this is civilization. I agree. People are being backward.

So, yeah. Ironically, I shut up. Perhaps it's hypocrisy. But it's my prerogative to remain silent. They have a problem with me, not me with them. They should confront me- though I would probably start my famous ego deflating sermons when they do. It seems that every time there's something like this happening within immediate environment I withdraw. At the very least, "people" in "my world" excludes them. I shut up. And, what do you know? "The" world continues to function.

the inner mickey mouse

i just thought of updating. I'm finally done with Princess Hours. I can now really study and sleep properly. It's not working though. I'm still quite the slacker. But, after that rather pseudo-sappy/ joke-ba-toh? mini speech by Doc A about mediocrity and the deteriorating quality of students up the hill, I'm geared- err... more- to learn and study. I mean, how many college peeps actually read for their classes these days? Oh, and he actually pointed out archers are way better in research. bleh! It's according to some magazine ranking asian universities. Ugh, I feel so incompetent- that I'm actually going to study right after blogging (note: it's a friday today).

Anyway, about the title. Yes, I think I have the inner mickey mouse. I notice it especially when i'm with kids. They seem to like me. But I still believe that it's because I actually take part in their stupid games, unlike most peeps my age, not that I have something deep within me, etc- the usual blah about the soul thing or genes. Whatever. Uhm, where was I? Oh, and I actually notice that I enjoy to make people laugh- not that I'm always successful in that part, but I can say I'm quite successful with kids.

So, I've been thinking- not the drama-type- a lot about what NGOs to apply for after October. It's really difficult. I want both research and community development. I'm confused. I also want to take an M.A. abroad and work for an int'l org eventually. Sana talaga! For now, I need to work hard. (For tomorrow, Eragon at the movies! Yey! Hehe!)

happy new year!

I was thinking something dramatic, as in sappy dramatic, to write. But, let's leave all that to the year that's passed. I'm hoping for a great year. More action less drama. Yeah, my problem for the last few years was that I spent most of my time thinking about things. Now that I've settled most of things that bug me, mentally that is, I'm prepared to take more action. I must take resolve in getting out of my psychical reality and really experience whatever the world has to offer. Ok, that's getting too emotional already. Hehe!

So, one of my major goals for the year is to get 2 jobs for my summer internship program. The other is to finally (hopefully) get my DS diploma. Then it's adventure again after that. I'm both afraid and excited. This is really positive considering that I was half-suicidal last year, minutes away from finishing my MIS undergrad career. I'm already thinking about employment this time. Hah! I've too much semi-long term plans! I haven't even started on a paper due this thursday and a book report this weekend. Career mode na dapat by 5pm today!

Here are some other things I'll do (not "try to do") this year (New Year's resolutions!): fulfill promises, do homeworks in advance, update my blog at least once a week, read more non-fic (hehe!), build lasting friendships (Uck! But really...), build independence, and save more. Sana talaga mangyari!