Monday, July 24, 2006

incoherence baybeh!

And so it happens that my weekend doesn't. The grrness of it all... Monotony is not the problem- Geez, I enjoy my classes this time and the more than unorthodox schedule; it's the times when I actually speak my own language. I can only do this with my friends, with all my incoherence and twisted logic. Dang, it's not Chinese, but I guess peeps know what I mean. Anyway- okay there's really no "anyway" anyway because, once again there had been no adventure on the physical plane during the weekend, except maybe jumping through islands of concrete, skillfully avoiding the encroaching sea of garbage/mud/flood on my way to and back from school.

Luckily I'm human enough to imagine something's really happening. Well, aside from the war between the Hezbollah (did I spell that right?) and Israel, which, if you're really the pessimistic type, is the exact demonstration of the maxim about history. They're invading Lebanon if you're an Arab, I guess. And thanks to Philippine media, SONA means the next big event in my life. Oh yes, they're very effective in doing this collective hallucination for people, and I buy them, big time. Okay, putting my psuedo- intellectualism out of the matter, "what the world is" and "what's happening" matter. I just thought of the nasty and pompous "debate" I had with some brats last week, thus the insipid re-doodlement of my strong point.

Where was I? Yes, about my psychical reality. Nah, it's not really about the weekend- or pure hallucination- that I've created a reality about. It's about some "funny" stuff last week, which is entirely subjective- so suckers, bugger off. Oh, there was an actual, meaning physical, theatrics during UN class! But those were too interesting in my own world and thus too petty for doodling. Going back to my earlier point:

1. The new assistant of my dentist turned out to be a High school mate! She's 3 years my senior, so one year older than my sis- they were quite tight because of HS choir, through which I got to know her. It was quite weird though that someone you laughed with during chorale days is now scrutinizing your mouth- which is actually a layer away from the soul if you come to think of it. I thought she lost that pure humor she had, until we began talking. Okay, I'm weak at narrating so I'll leave this in one paragraph.

2. She mentioned that her cousin, a batch mate, a pseudo-friend and who we lost contact with for more than 3 years methinks, ran away from home! Sankapah dibah? I forgot to dig into details about it because I was in a hurry to get to the bookstore after my session with the Dentist.

3. Karotski dropped by about 6 pm earlier. Kamusta naman yan dibah? It was raining awfully hard then but she managed to swim through flood to get to our place. I was surprised but skillfully hid it and manifest my nonchalance about it. See, I always think that the last vestige of my privacy is my home so I’m rather sensitive about friends coming over. Anyhow, I forced her to come with me to buy a piggy bank for a celadon fund raising project.

4. I’ve realized recently that I’m close to being a fanatic, yes, not to the point of bombing myself because I strongly believe in cause. I believe in some cause but I value relationships more than the zeal I have for this cause. Relationships sustain and causes give direction. Sorry about the lame maxims I always use to end my random thought with. I guess they reflect the fanaticism I mentioned. I must understand that there’s no one way to understand this life- thus forfeiting my maxims! Good, good!

5. I realize that I don’t actually abhor people who seem counter the way I understand things. I hate their actions resulting from their “inept” “what is”, especially is these things manifest themselves through interpersonal relationships, like hate, disgust, and cursing groups of people. Drop by Celadon room anytime there seems to be uproar, and you’d know what I mean. But I guess they’re okay since they’re kids. But again, in a way, they want to validate their own understanding of people so I’m back with the debate on fanaticism- well, at least in my head.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

the lost phone

Ugh, I lost my cellphone on the train to cubao- I realized it on my way to the grocery store- really stupid. For the average lad up the hill, or even throughout the archipelago, really, it may not be worth much. But to me, it's the only connection to civilization- apart from the internet. This is big time. I'm probably living without one for an entire two months, unless I buy one of those 1k++ phones somewhere in Quiapo. They're probably stolen- and I'd probably get jailed- but I'd have a cellphone. Okay, I'm being too honest here...

It's encroaching, creeping in really slowly, but no way subtly. I know I'm in no way taking care of myself, but I want peeps important to me to understand that I'm getting there- and fervently wanting to get there. I no longer want to rely too much on anyone anymore, and see later that peeps get hurt because my weakness- oh yes people, rule #1: irony is truth. Now, things lost bear great toll; in a sense, I'm on my own to build things for myself. I feel that, very strongly. I'm trying not to ask for anything anymore from anyone, at least for the things I need. I want to be content with what's given and work for things that I need further.

You broke it you buy it. I'm making this a rule of life for myself. Now, I'm trying to sell new age and occult books, if anyone is interested just comment here. I'm also planning to showcase them to my beloved Celadon peeps in the future. To the Jesuits, I'm encouraging scholarly attitude towards these demonized mysticisms of various religions. I'm in no way encouraging heresy.

...

In another drama, is it possible to resent something that had not been yours in the first place? Anyway, I realized that the "pain" I was carrying for the first two years of college- from highschool- had been completely imaginary. During those times, it was a realignment of my entire aim at life that got me over it but I think realizing how stupid it was could have been more efficient motivating me to move forward. The pain is still there, and I don't think it'll be gone. Getting over it seems more like the pain being part of who you are more than it being completely erased from memory. Beautiful people to me are those who have been hurt but still thriving. Perhaps I'm aiming to be in the same league.

This is too much a hackneyed term, but I guess I'm a lot stronger now. My ability to get hurt pushes me forward- wanting to experience more from this world. Okay, that's really hackneyed. I'm ready, I guess- though I fear a lot of things. I'm not too lost and afraid now; there's an aim that I'm after. Thank God and the people who have rescued me. Rule #2: most cliches are true anyway.

...

Things to look forward this week:
1. Dinner with kids I grew up with- sponsored by karotski! Probably a movie later.
2. Reformating my HD. Nothing seems to fix my sound problem. Music, thereafter!
3. Gascon class! Woohoo! Old school teaching and he's super wise, mind, not "smart"- a lot of vain smarties Teachs these days.
4. Indian movie at Ken's with Ka and company. It's only his own obsession actually.
5. Finish Foucault's History of Sexuality Vol 2 and 3. Feeling smart? I'm a wannabe smarty anyway.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

kid at the door

Finally! After more than a month of brooding about my new layout, it's finally up! I had a lot of trouble positioning each layer- ok, who would care anyway. Phew, at last a new layout after a year. This is really hard work for me! Dreamweaver is too sophisticated for my use! Yep, this is all manual stuff- and probably won't work in firefox. Those two browsers are really different- again who would care? I have a new layout for IE a least! Yey! I can finally start on my assignment- those kids at my study group's probably cursing me not yet having my part of the assignment uploaded.

Oh, I'd like to point out that I'm no way down. Someone told me the pictures really look sad in this layout. I was surprised because I thought they project something profound other than sadness- yes it's part of the entire theme but it's not supposed to be its entirety. It's a story actually. Again, it's a story for me so opinions don't really count so much. The main element in this layout is the kid at the door. The "the identity myth" thing is just a sort of allusion for a short while of foucauldian education/obsession- and I agree, for practical purposes too. The minuscle alethiometer has something to do with identity- you should know if your a Philip Pullman fan! "Identity" is also connected to the kid at the door, and, at last, to the eye- to which I seem to have developed a wierd attachment (It was in my last layout, though not this pretty).

Enough art talk- yeah, yeah. Peeps may think that this is all an excuse to seduce the mind to invoke mystery looking at my layout- and they may be right! Hehe! It's similar to magic realism in movies, which critics claim to understand. Anyway, I'm not getting paid for this. Okay, reading assignments next!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

arguably annoyed

I just got into one of those ludicrous "debate" about Philippines' hopelessness. If you're an Atenean and have taken Philo 103 then this "problem" wouldn't even exist because hope takes another meaning. No, this meaning doesn't apply to common parlance; hope means optimism for the non-philosopher. It was ludicrous because we kept on repeating the same points for about an hour and a half without succumbing to either arguments or coming up with a compromise. Yes, there was a "compromise" because the janitor insisted that we had to leave the room- without finishing our pompous debate. So yes, this blog entry is to further annoy myself, and hopefully to convince myself that they were wrong- at least logically.

Since I'm a DS major, I had to defend that there's hope in improving the country- specifically through micro means- grass roots (Uso local government eclat ngayon!). Not really, I really believe that we can do something. I thought that this was enough to justify that something good is happening. They countered that no, everything has to happen through government, which they "premissed" to be absolutely evil- the junior student even mentioned some "soap opera-ic" stuff that happened to his granddad, who was a politician. Not that I'm bastardizing his granddad’s memory, but it's not enough to prove that the government- I'm thinking of it as its entirety- is bogus. I had to reinforce the idea that things work in micro level, that they're looking at things more from the macro level that's why everything seems going downhill. I had to give Marikina's example on education blah blah blah; they had to give multitude examples of corruption in the government blah blah blah. And things go nowhere...

Sorry, but I'm more inclined to think that "I've lost hope in our country" is but a rationalization device to justify their decision to leave the Philippines after graduation. All right, there's not really one reason why people leave- like self-realization and what not; Perhaps you want a more opportunities or to support your family by having a well paying job abroad, etc. The point is that it’s sick to use the line to justify going abroad, that is if you’re really concerned with the country’s development. There’s a lot we can do to make things better.

Just to reiterate my point, for my own sake, I’m not discriminating against people who go abroad. They have their own reasons- genuine ones. I demand that these pompous pricks- not that the ones in the “debate” were- admit that they’re after other things and leaving the country’s future aside, convincing themselves that although they are really concerned with what’s happening to people in our country, nothing good will come out of their actions. They won’t have to deal with their conscience after convincing themselves of this hopelessness dogma.

Now, I'm not sure about the drama part. I'd say T.V. has indeed brainwashed them; that "everything about our country fails" has etched its way to their brains- maybe not that. There are indeed a lot of things to frown about our country. I’d say that there’s a good reason to feel that everything’s so wrong. However, Saying that you’ve done your part doesn’t mean you’ve explored all venues for development. It doesn’t even make sense that you’ve done “everything” on your part.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

kamusta ka naman, di ba?

Upon a sudden burst of boredom, here goes my unretiring effort to keep my blog updated. I've finalized the photo for my new layout but I still haven't prepared the CSS code for it. Nah, I tried using dreamweaver, didn't know how it's supposed to work. Anyway, the point is I'm removing cobwebs here.

I'm well aware that it's 2 in the morning and that I'm eating this whole grain cereal thing. It's something Oprah advised people to take to better their digestion- Foucauldian stuff doesn't apply. Im still buried in the heaps of reading from my UN class- apparently this has something to do with the preceding lines in this paragraph. I must keep up. I chose this! And, the teach's supposed to be great, so this should be fun. No, the class is actually fun except for the tons of readings. I got papercuts all over my body. See, I read on my bed, sitting indian style while bending my back to decipher those legal terms. Ugh, why do people have to use latin language? And, I'm confused how they use "thus" and "hereby". So far, no bad luck. No worries on alien language.

Heh, the title's supposed to be a funny line used in chit chats among college peeps. It's supposed to be a dated gay term. Apparently, my summer hybernation turned off any sense of civilization in me. I was the only one hysterical during a marketing talk (hosted by Celadon) when the host kept on using the line- after demonstrating bad tele-marketing (do I even have to put a dash in there?) to imaginary sponsors. I had a good laugh. I was never into these things but it turned out alright- except that it was a little disorganized. Well, almost anything good is a little disorganized to me. That would count as something bad. Oh the irony of it all, our group even won the contest- I think mainly because of our humor.

On a more solemn note, I'm really enjoying my major subjects. These are the things I really want to learn- and do (give more weight in "do"). Then again, hard work. But that's not an obstacle when you love what requires it. On a more OC note, I'm on a fish diet. I'm trying to be healthy but I think I'm close to starving my self. On a more social note, I'm having fun hanging out with kids at the Celadon room avery TTH 1030 to 130.

Must not keep delaying my new layout! Must work.