Saturday, January 28, 2006

how do you do?

I'm having a hard time figuring out the lecture we had in Theo last thursday. It had something to do measuring one's worth; that we are who we are in the eyes of God. I just can't seem to really believe this. I want to believe it and really think of myself under such definiton but something in me doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I mean, isn't it through other people that we get the idea of our worth? I guess having a short time to live leaves us looking for something more palpable that will somehow describe our lives in the eleventh hour. That means people- love- right? But that also means endless struggle to be something- of worth. Maybe my confusion is brought about by my faith- probably it's not that strong. How does one acknowledge this reality- well, a reality if you're a believer?

Given that genuine faith does bring about this component of belief to you- that you really hold it true etc, how do you now measure- or even do- your actions? What do we do after really believing this? Surely, by holding it's opposite to be true, we strive to become for other people- and that realy makes sense right? If it happens that I find myself believing such, won't I be dormant and leave everything be- I mean if my only goal in this earth (I'm speaking for myself) is to have some sort of worth? Maybe this is an invalid conclusion since I'm posing a possibility of something not from my experience- that of having this kind of faith. I'm not taking out, of course, the possibility that the believer's action may be toward other people, and not of making sense of his own life- or better, glory; that his action is a movement of God already. In this case his action still makes sense because of the faith's movement.

Maybe this concept is central to my problem. Is the goal ultimately for our own legends or is it a component of God's theme for our (collective) lives? If you follow to this point, a last question: can we ever find that elusive experience of our worth if our movement is that of a former kind I stated above? Maybe the answer to this is also the solution to my original question- perhaps it can answer how to look at one's life through the eyes of God.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

living a comic life

Amidst tons of homework, projects, tests, and job applications, I'm here in front of the monitor doodling away random thoughts that, for the past few hours, have been bugging me. This is supposed to be a cathartic entry but because of the rather unusual adrenalin surge I had this afternoon, I've completely forgotten the thing I'm supposed to feel strong about. Anyway, on with my inane doodles...

Now, with the funny stuffs first- but since I'm not really humorous, disregard the introduction. There's this old man- really, really mean old man- at the cashier window 8. If you're the kind of person who always have to apply for a temporary I.D., or if you have to pay for the release of you're transcript, you probably know who I'm referring to. Yes, that mean old man! What happened was like this:

I arrived 10:20 at school for my Theo class at 1030. I remembered to pay for my transcript so I went to window eight of the cashier to pay for it- and then the old man! I slided the slip given by registrar to him and he stared at me and mumbled something. I asked what he said and he shouted, "Sa window two nga!” Pucha! Needless to say, I lost my overall composure! But the behaved me just cooled it and convinced myself that it was just an old man's thing; besides, that was not the first time he seemed to have shouted. So, I acquiesced. The cashier at window 2, after some checks and rummaging about, signed the slip from the registrar and told me to pay for it at window eight. I relaxed and regained my affable countenance. When I slipped the paper under the glass separating both of us, he asked me my name- it appeared that he couldn't see very well.

Me: "Eirekson (aerecson) Uy po".
So he wrote it, but uh uh, he wrote it as ERICKSON. So I hurriedly blurted out,

Me: "EIREKSON po; A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N". *Still wearing my plastered smile*
Manong: *Frowned and scratched his balding head*

So he erased what he wrote, and tried re-writing my name on the receipt. But he misspelled it again, so I said- a little loudly:

"Manong, A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N po. Eirekson Uy po (aerecson)- now, pronouncing it very slowly. A-E-R-E-C-S-O-N"

He put on this really grim look on his wrinkled face and started to tremble. I was really scared. Looking at me, he shouted:

Manong: "SINULAT KO NA NGA EH! O eto eto *grabbing the rim of receipt and his pen rather violently* isulat mo, isulat mo. Sinulat ko na nga eh!" *He seemed so convinced that he wrote my name correctly*

All of that was done with matching scowl on his face- and cursingly. I swear I could see the red arteries in his eyeballs pulsating! I resolutely decided at that moment that I would not be looked down on. So, the Meany me surfaced. I grabbed the rim and the pen from his clutch and started writing my name over two untidy erasures of my name really grudgingly. He abruptly took it from me after I finished writing my name down; he signed it and almost jabbed the receipt to my fingers under the glass divider! That was it! I figured I would do something dramatically nasty for my exit. So, I grabbed the receipt and really violently snatched it away from his hands! The sound of the paper abruptly being taken away was really effective! I walked away feeling totally victorious!

Really, this is not my thing. But something possessed me that moment that made me do it. I think taking vitamin supplements everyday does that to you. It felt great though! Hehe!

Another curious thing: super gal has a boy weakness! I’m glad that, finally, my image of this girl as extremely impervious to petty emotions is broken- at last, a glimpse of her humanity! I don’t know her very well, so this is a bit helpful. She seems not so distant now.

Last comic stuff: the HR people at the school’s job fair! It was really hilarious to hear this lass blurting out English phrases in a bogus American accent! Sample, “You can tssake this (referring to the application form), fill it(tsk) up and submeeeet it(tsk) with your resume before four (tsk)this afternoon.” Wonderful! Stick with our own tongue; it’s not that bad speaking a foreign language in our own accent. We can even understand the Indians or the Singaporeans right? Or just speak our language! You will still sound sophisticated if that’s what you’re after! Speaking a foreign language just means you can speak anther language, nothing more. What’s wrong with this country?

Did I mention the tons of homework? It’s supposed to be a joke too, until now. Arghh! It’s almost 1030 and I haven’t done even a bit of anything! Ciao! Oh! There’s another one! Dr. T, my beloved history teacher, impersonating McArthur (Yes the one who bombed Manila for three weeks) on his “I have returned” speech! It was really hilarious- he even had props to complement his slapstick! I swear if all teachers would be like him- or Sir Bobby Guev- Ateneo would really increase its number of genuine intellectuals! Hehe! Now I'm stating a possibility; totally skewed logic!

Friday, January 20, 2006

reading smarties

Seriously, it's no fun reading blogs of supposedly intelligent peeps. I 've been to some three of these blogs. They belong to some of Ateneo's well known peeps- debaters methinks. These lot of smarties have infested the blogosphere- is this even the proper word. Anyway, their blogs are pure obssessions about how pathetic this country is and how special they are. Okay, blogs may be about personal shit but I've never seen such height of vanity. Maybe they're special, but I don't see anything deep in their doodles. Maybe being smart is to pick on reality; not to get something special- more special than they are- out of their crticism. I'm inclined to think that these criticisms are a way of drawing something meaningful, but their rationale for their criticisms is not even close to something they really hold dear.

I guess I'm a reader who looks for a manifestation of the writer's deepest convictions- when it comes to some serious blogging. Until now, I've been too obsessed with smarties. I'm not fascinated with good debaters anymore, but I'm fascinated with the contents of their debates. I'm pro concern more than intelligence.

The world is too dumb for smart asses. They must leave it immediately.

Monday, January 16, 2006

there's no escaping it

There's really no avoiding it, I'm definitely twenty one years old. I was rather stunned seeing the clock strike 1230 early this morning. I was over my my jap notes then reviewing for the mid term later, then it struck me; my God, I'm twenty one! Like you all kiddies out there, I'm not too excited about entering real maturity. I don't think I'm cut and dry for seriousness. But I guess I have no choice- and this doesn't mean I would have to give up some of my greatest seemingly unattainable goals right? So there's still some "fun" to cling on to. Perhaps I wouldn't find myself in some serious quagmire. If that eventually happen, I wish I would be so prepared. Yes, it's the anxiety about post graduation stuff. I don't think I'm totally prepared to live my own life- I want to but I think I have to do some more major patching up in my life. It's really a comfort to hear similar sentiments among seniors- and the idea that we're not that totally clueless like some 2 or 3 years ago.

My seat mate in philo alarmed me that there's only 6 more grueling weak before grad. I couldn't think of any reply, so I uttered some unintelligible rubbish- thinking she's really confident that everything would end okay. Well, she definiitely has something to lookforward to; she's an A student; and seem really intelligent. I'm not so much into wanting some academic merits- or any kind of merits whatsoever, though it wouldn't hurt to get one right?- of my own; I just want to know what exactly I want to do for the rest of my life. I have some clues as to what that is but I'm not 100% sure that it's what I want. Ugh, too complicated! It seems fairly easy to understand at first glance- and too common- but it's really like placid water beneath which you don't know what lies. It's a problem and I don't want to get into hasty solutions but I guess I would have to really immerse myself to the "real world". Ugh, sappy I know; I hate it.

Ha! It's probably listening too much of Alanis's that puts me in this mood. I really really like her! It seems that every words in her songs always have that indescribable depth you found in 1 in a thousand artists! And not only that! I seem to have that wierd resonance- forgive the word- with the words. I mean I actually understand- as in I know because I've experieced some of the words. Wierd, right? That's what your 21st birthday do to you! Hehe! Anyway, here's one of my faves today. It's from the movie Dogma. It doesn't have the usual element of baffling poetry but it's still cool. It's a bit... uhm profound? Still, Alanis rocks!

...
Still
Alanis Morissette
The Dogma Soundtrack

I am the harm that you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I am your immaturity and your indignance
I am your misfits and your praises
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rapeI am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art I am your bytes
I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
And I love you still

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
And I love you still
...

The lyrics alone doesn't work that solemn thing into you after listening to it- it's almost like praying. I guess you would have to download it to really listen and get that mystifying effect. Wierd me. And I don't think she's being sarcastic- which she usally is in her old songs- in this song.

Today's entry's title's really apt for both sentiments. Happy birthday to me!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

it's 2006!

I'm still having trouble about writing 2006 whenever I doodle down dates on my notes or journal. I guess it has something to do with my reluctance to this very rapid change happening in my life. Days from now, I'll be 21! This is not in my plan! Hehe! When I was ten, I was fantasizing about the story in the book of revelations; I imagined that the world would end in the year 2000- dying at the age of fifteen wasn't so bad I thought. Anyway, change is supposed to be good- well, generally good. It's supposed to make us grow and so on ad so forth. Hmph! A rather irksome first entry for the new year, but what the hell.

So, why the long hiatus? Well, my motherboard crashed again- yes, it's the third time now. Since the warranty has expired already, I convinced my mom to just buy a new one. I'm so proud that I was able to fix everything wihout any help from technicians or my cousin! I half-expected that I would fail installing the new motherboard, but with the help of the manual, and my rusty stockl-knowledge, I was able to connect every cables properly. Hehe! I'm so proud! It was friday when I fixed my pc- I feel that it's performing better with a new motherboard.

Oh! Thanks andz for your gift! Twas soooo cool! It was an audio novel- I'm clueless regarding the proper term- of Philip Pullman's Lyra's Oxford! My favourite author! The story was less than an hour though... was disappointed a bit. I think I will buy some more of these since it helps to augment my listening skills- yes, I'm not good at listening. This is but a plus though. My main intent is to finish novels faster since I'm also a slow reader. Hehe! Thanks Andz!

The usual tons of readings is on the study table. I'm inclined not to look at it. I still not in the mood of doing any homework- evidently enough, I'm in front of my beloved computer doing what-not's. Heh! Okay, okay, I'd be on it in an hour.

Happy New Year everyone! I'm not in the mood of serious doodling so sorry about the random stuff that came out. Must get serious this year...