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non sequitur
Tomorrow is an official holiday!!! Yey! I don't know if that's a good thing though 'coz a lot of peeps have been studying since last week for PM mid terms tomorrow. But as for me, I think this is a good thing!!! I can then compile our theo presentation, finish my first deliverable for PM project, read some philo stuff, and finally finish some Naruto episodes- Oops! Haha! Whenever I'm given this kind of blessing I tend to procrastinate more. But really, I'll do everything I have to.

I haven't read more than 2 chapters for the midterm tomorrow! Thank you! Thank you! Was panic stricken yesterday when I opened the book- didn't know where to start- there were 8 chapters to read! So once again, thank you for the holiday!!! I must've asked a dozen of peeps already about this!

But before everything else, some Naruto movies please! Haha!


...

Much for this euphoric state, I know I've done a lot of moronic stunts during last two weeks. Won't give details though since I don't want to get too touchy-feely about certain issues. It may also prove futile to convey certain emotions that I don't understand very well. I get to be diabolous at times. I just can't gather strength to control my anger- but I know I'm more in control of my feelings now. Training to be the perfect hypocrite is my favourite thing to do these days. Watch out for my sly remarks and fake smiles. Hello world! Warn me if my stupidity shows okay? Help me with this.

No! I'm not doing this for some infantile reason. No, I'm not afraid to get hurt by peeps- or something like that 'coz I'm totally used to that. It's more of wanting to hurt them- kidding! I just think this kind of attitude towards some peeps is necessary in order to get things done my way- my desired end is not totally selfish so don't curse me right away okay?

This is not corruption. This is disillusionment. Whatever. Or maybe some excuse to cover some deeper sentiments I have. I'm still brooding over this, so worries aren't necessary. Labo mehn. Friendship is not out of the question- indeed, I'm honest when I'm with some people. But for those who build their improbably Eutopias, I'm probably an enemy.

I really don't understand what I just wrote. Maybe I just want to sound deep or something. I'm playing. Get it?

Somebody enlighten me.
zeitgeist
I just got out of my POS class. We watched a flick about elections here in the philippines- with a hotchpotch of various commentaries and history(!). I really enjoy seeing these kinds of flick 'coz you can actually learn besides enjoying them. Most of the stuff shown are quite familiar- learned them back in highschool I guess- but some are new. Most of us probably know about the murders/assassinations Marcos did during election- aside his gruesome tactics during his martial rule- but the most of us probably don't know about the details of it. Do you know about the man who was shot 4 times trying to protect a balot box full of votes, embracing it and running just to protect it? Do you know about the NAMFREL volunteers who were shot dead- or those who risked their lives walking out of the COMELEC's primary chamber for counting the ballots (I forgot the name of the place)? Probably, only a few of us know about these "small things" that really counts big in its significant.

I always get this wierd feeling (shivers?) whenever I see a people moving in the same direction. Such small acts somehow reflects what each of us should do to make our own country work. A priest in the movie said something like, "there has been a change since EDSA". That really moves me a lot. I think the zeitgeist can be be described in the same way.

And no, I'm not your usual idealist. I don't aspire for everyone to be good and be concern about the common good of this society. Heck, I've read too much of Machiavelli to be this kind of quintessential highschool psuedo-intellectual. I know the practical implications of what I've just doodled. It's not about a hero complex or anything that make myself distinct over everybody else- because then again, we usually participate in collective discourse only when it affect us- but just about the movement of ourselves as people. I really think this is something awesome- something fantastic- to put it simply, something sacred. It is, after all, the drama of becoming what we want to be. Well, maybe there a imagining of self involved whenever I think about living this particular way.

I have thought of this before- but somehow my philo Teach articulates it even better: that it is through this movement that the voice of God manifests. If you're not a Christian, better be one! No, just kidding. I think this same idea is applies to any religion. For one, when I asked my religion teacher- a buddhist monk- back in high school about how was the world created, she told me that WE created it- and I think she meant the beginning not the conception. Of course, I was perplexed. Somehow, religions view this particular movement holy. Moreover, this is not some abstract concept of something holy because it is born in human experience- which makes it even more worth celebrating.

Tell me this is happening right now...
morning express
Literally exhausted putting all those sticks beside our saplings- oh, educate me about their importance please- aside from the obvious protection. Does it really help straightening those trees? Anyway, back on my a little bit pissed off mode- and rarely do I get to this mode. My gulay! I must have sweat a gallon already. I need to see my doctor later this day. With my pale face and and dried lips, a week's confinement won't be enough. I'm turning whiter and whiter now... Need *heavy breath* some *gasping* air. Whatever. Gawd knows if I can even finish this entry. And! I need some neat shirt...

Feels like some dementor sucked out the life in me. Whatever. I can use a fresh shirt right this instant!

Ok. Let me give you a brief of what happened: Was late for POS class so I had to run to the train station. Checked time at the station: 720. Got freaked a bit. Got out of katipunan station. Checked time: 748. Got freaked a little more. Ran ran ran to the jeepney stop. Got the same one I had last friday- the driver required my ID for the discount. Trouble rummaging through my stuff- irked people a bit by elbowing them while doing this. Ran again to the tric stop near the bridge. Had the final sprint to faura avr and discovered (!) that Teach gave a free cut. I thought, a free cut?! Impossible! She's supposed to give us our exams today. Went to ssavr and our usual classroom just to double checked. It was indeed a free cut.

Bummed in the lib for half an hour- got to read about islam extremists (What a name!)- sucide bombings to be exact. These "religious" have corrupted even the most decent of minds. A teacher and a community leader! What kind of corruption do they practice? I want to know- and maybe try them on some fellas here. Hehe!

Texted philo groupmates about the putting-the sticks (sounds crazy enough for me) activity. At nine, we proceeded with this task. And what a task! Scorching sun and 31 sticks to plant- imagine the labor...

Song of the day's probably Ironic- Dang it! More of the negative irony of this world! Dang it ulit!- by Alanis. Well some thanks to the world- or to you who sits up there wherever- for giving me this humorous experience. And yeah, thanks for letting me slacken a bit. Not that I'm trying to seem the victim in this story- but in a way, I am- but that this is a story after all. And it's nice to think of some author. So, thanks. I am not a victim (American Beauty style, the mother holding a gun.)

5 minutes to go before ISA class. He's probably handing out our first long test. Get me a decent grade please!
my fifth dimension mask
Quite a week actually. Aside from the usual tons of readings for philo class, I had 2 freakin' long tests and a report. Thankfully, tomorrow is a holiday- such a nice break from the perpetual ordeal of school work- which should be school/work really. Was fun listening to new ideas but some exams are just so over the edge- teach's often trivialize exams to the point where you just have to memorize stuff (I don't want to argue- someone, I repeat this thought-of impossible imposition of correctness). Thank God, not all courses every are about our would-be profession- that we can really learn something that applies to everyone- more than data centers and micro chips.

I really don't have something special to talk about right now. I mean most of my thoughts are in my notebook anyway so what's the point of writing them again- I mean for other peeps? Give me a break. Not to be rude, but peeps reading other peeps' stuff seem to have a notion of knowing the writer with just his words. Come on, this is how I want to seem in this specific mode of existence. I have a face for everyone, like what 2 favourite persons of the moment said just a while ago- one immortal and the other a sort-of such. Crap, don't give me a Christian eclat and no it's not voldemort (duh? horcruxes?).

Klutziness strikes again. Come on, I am mortal after all. Sublime and subliminal, am to idiotic to equate a derived word's meaning with the root's- or was it otherwise. Pyscho term, ugh. Pubiscent, pubiscent. So shut up already. Speaking of such rather "domestic" attitude, I really had enough of this attitude of being a victim of the world. Come on, grow up you, you, you pesky little urchin! Was really unnerving talking- or not quite- to this particular brat. I mean, you actually look older than me- though you're still in your teenage years. Just look beyond youself and you'll see how you've reduced everything to you notion of such- curruption, etc. Now, I'm just mad. If you happen to breeze through this part, forgive me for summaring you in such scant words. It's just that I have had the same experience back in highschool. Still, you're achingly getting into my nerves.


Here goes the significant happenings over the weekend. Frankly- I really hate to use this word btw (so blunt), this will be a semi-cathartic long piece of paragraph if I am to articulate emotions, so I'll just write them in their vaguest form- another mask that I keep unmanifested in this sixth realm. The touch should be friendly. Eyes looking but averting if checked- that eventful saturday. Few more weeks then goodbye. Multi-purpose boss- been calling her different names, not to slight her impeccable sense of I-am-special- of the non-normal bestowed my non-normalcy. Was glad but then felt pathetic realizing I've been subjected to this superficial. Hey, I want a friend. Was able to pass my designs to MEA thingy. Was able to speak quite properly in front of my favourite enemy in class.

Things to look forward- or to dread- this weekend and next week. Tutoring, 1 movie, philo paper result (!), ISA, POS exam results(!!), real start of PM project.

Oh! I'm about to finish Rendezvous with Rama c/o Andie- recently converted into a His Dark Materials fan- and Celestine Prophecy. Rama is way fascinating than other sci-fi stuff. Must finish both by tomorrow. Jane Eyre is up after these tw, but I guess I'd begin by september already. A lot of readings for philo and other school stuff in queue- exams, projects, papers, exams again. This is absolute injustice.

Just kidding about thoughts in notes. I just need something to push me to write whenever I'm in a reflective mood- when I really have something to say. Or maybe this is another mask I want to wear- or both. This mask thing really got into me after the lecture on hypocrisy. Here I go again...
sabotage
Blogger got rid of my enrty last night! I really don't know why but when I tried publishing it, blogger asked for my username and password again. So I guess I'll just re-type everything again... Oh I'm at the Faura lab right now. I'm the only one in the room so it's quite eerie here. Hmm hmm hmm hmm- Ken are you reading this?! haha! I still get panicky when I get to be in a desolated areas- Like right now. That story got stuck in my head. Help me someone.

Two exerpt chapters and an entire book. *bang* the lab supervisor (I really don't know what to call her so shut up) just made her entrance- civilization at last- though not quite. haha! Back on the track. Yep, I read everything last monday to tueday morning- with only 3 hours of sleep in sum. That was due yesterday-just for one lecture. Readings were ok except that there were just a lot of them! Even if there's the weekend, can't he possibly imagine us living non-reading lives?! Honestly, this is turning to be quite a routine already- which is bad i guess.

Anywho. My entry last night was about the goings-on last weekend. Forgive my apathy about politics ladies and gentlemen. I'm not in my usual bitter or enthused mood- oh yes they belong in the same category- thus I'm writing everything down as it is.

-Friday. Went to a meeting (was late. Surprise surprise!), a GA for some ten minutes (Luv the Dance Troupe), and a gang group thing for Kaingin. Was all ok except for the first- I just don't know most of them. And (!) the gang group thing was a disaster! We were told to describe peeps in our gang and, the stupid me(!) wrote some flattering remarks for this certain someone. I shouldn't have written it! I now seemed to her friends(!) that I like her. And I get that awkward feeling when talking to her. People! Why does it have to be great a deal!!!

- Went to Andie's after my first sabotage. Dugged through her treasures of DVDs and finally got Devil's Advocate and The Godfather. It was heavily raining so I decided to stay some more hours. She tortured me with a classic film- literally black and white(!). Well, it was not so bad 'coz the film was really funny- slapstick and the fast paced chit chats (american accent at its best rendering me stupid not to follow every line). She offered me an apple an honey snack- implying to her that I did not eat anything since the org stuff. How kind I thought. Honey and apple seemed to be a great combination for a snack. But oh no! NO NO NO! The third slice of honey-coated apple made me choke to death. I couldn't really breath for some three minutes!!! And my dear friend just stood there handing me the mirror telling me how red I was- Totally nonchalant, which helped profoundly thank you very much. Anyway, I finished a portion of the black and white movie, got the DVDs and left.

- Staturday aftenoon was tutoring time. Everything was great excpet that we had to teach in cramped space. We taught the kids in their houses. The kids were fine except for a few excessively timid ones. The Kaingin crowd was okay too- it's just that I stil don't know most of them. I hope those kids did learn something from us. Was quite a bit overbearing then, so sorry fella tutors.

-This is not another activity but I thought to write it down all the same. I didn't go to Rompz's party. To my surprise, my absence was indeed a blessing because a certain dame whom I utterly detest- just to exaggerate my point- was invited along with some more MIS peeps. And booze is not my kind of fun. Weird.

-Watched four movies. I am Sam(!), Patch Adams(!!), Devil's Advocate(!!!), The Godfather (oh yeah!). I was a bit annoyed that I didn't understand some of Don Carleon's murmured chit chats. Anyway, the movie was great- corruption at its best. I am Sam was okay too but it's a bit mushy. Style was okay to0- the mtv-like scenes with the lively music and the jerky camera, was effective in capturing emotions on screen. Patch Adams was a good flick too, though it borders on the same mushiness as I am Sam. I get that warm feeling after watching it. The Devil's Advocate and The Godfather were the ones that really tackles this corrupt world- sure are two good movies.

- Oh, Sis passed her exams and would be leaving for a 5-year study/work in Canada- a certain uni at Ontario come this October. I would be left alone soon. We'll see if that would be a good thing for me. I think I've forgiven her already- not that I want to seem like I'm the victim in our long enduring war, but just that I think I'm okay with all that ha happened between us- though I'm still as irked as before whenever she does what she wants despit others objecting. Whatever.

Now I'm here at Faura Lab making some sense of what I just have written down. I'll be going to my dentist- Hoping she'll not debate me about GMA (because she tends to jerk those dentist tools at my mouth whenever she becomes emotional about politics)- a Kaingin meeting and a Celadon Class.
metamorphosis
Nothing deep really. I just want to talk about philo class- that I still love despite tons of workload. Sir David just has his way of getting into peep's head. Whatever we talk about over class does apply to how we live. I mean more than those superflous and over exaggerated lessons on citizenship, he adds other real life stuff that makes the lessons strike home- down to the center of my grey matter. More than the "resonance" I felt in my philo101 class, which is only thought-level I'd say, I felt a definite "agreement" with Ethics class. Whenever I leave philo class, I always have that strange feeling of knowing what to do with my life. Okay maybe that's giving him too much credit, but he has that effect on me- and only a few teachers have really affected me that way. Really thankful for that.

This started last year. Dami kasing nabasa kaya cguro nangyari toh. Weird but
super dooper ok.

Stopped thinking too much about highschool
Finally found my niche
Resolve in PH101
Wholeness in a new light (Thomistic Eclat)
Through others that's the only way
Corruption in nostalgia
I'm not a victim. I'm in control
Forgiven everybody- mostly
How to deal with the now
I'm still here. Really, really, really
I have to act
Got slighted big time a lot of times
I was not hurt at all. Bring it on!
Some vision of who I want to be
Lessons in Ethics
It's back- thank you, thank you!

More than the feeling the need to change, I feel than I want to and I'm ready. I really need that. For a time I've been in that hopeless amorphous state- coming out of the void. Now, I'm ready.

I believe I've changed a lot. Most people seem to say that nothing substantial changed; I never colored my hair, never got taller even an inch, still got my braces, still quiet around new peeps, still noisy around familiar crowd, still the same. What they don't see is the way I think know. Not that I'm smarter or anything, but that the issues of the past seem to loose its important. My attitude towards how to live has changed profoundly. I'm losing the bitterness I've felt for a long long long time. I'm okay now.

...

Feels Like Today
Rascal Flatts (Wayne Hector\Steve Robson)

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried been carried away, away

But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is but I know it's amazing
Can save me, my time is coming
I'll find my way out
Of this longest drought

(And) It feels like today,
I knowIt feels like today, I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm (you're) wishin'
The last sacred blessin' and hey
It feels like todayFeels like today

You treat life like a picture
But it's not a moment that's frozen in time
It's not gonna wait 'til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breakin'
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
You keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's your heartache
Soon this dam will break

It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessin', yeah
Feels like today
(Feels like, feels like your life changin')

...

Cheesy. Whatever. Life is.

who am i
Eric thought he has found what he's looking for (like the U2 song. lol!). These days, he's not even sure whether he's actually looking for something. And, he's tired of riding on other people's dreams, assuming purposeful identities. He figures life's not about how we think we figure in the "larger scheme of things" (thus, "The Identity Myth"). Rather, it's about finding what compels and weighs us down to live another day, and pursuing just that. He chronicles various life happenings alluding to the identity myth, because in the end he recognizes that obsessing about it is inevitable, and human (and sometimes pathetic and shallow). Oh, he's undecided between survival and bliss (like the Alanis song). And his favourite pastime is to fluctuate between despair and hope.