non sequitur

Tomorrow is an official holiday! I don't know if that's a good thing. A lot of people have been studying since last week for PM mid-terms tomorrow. But this is good for me. This gives lee way for me to compile our Theo presentation, finish my first deliverable for PM project, read some Philo stuff, and finally finish some Naruto episodes. Haha! Whenever I'm given this kind of blessing I tend to procrastinate more. But really, I'll do everything I have to.

I haven't read more than 2 chapters for the supposed midterm. Thank you! Thank you! Panic took over me when I opened the book yesterday. I didn't know where to start. There were 8 chapters to read. So once again, thank you for the holiday. I must have asked a dozen of people just to confirm if it's holiday.

But before everything else, some Naruto movies please.

Much for this euphoric state, I know I've done a lot of moronic stunts during last two weeks. Won't give details though since I don't want to get too sappy about certain issues. It may also prove futile to convey certain emotions that I don't understand very well. I just can't gather strength to control my anger. Training to be the perfect hypocrite should be my favorite pastime these days. Watch out for my sly remarks and fake smiles. Warn me if I'm being too obvious with my feelings. It's an art. I need to perfect it. *Que in mad laughter*

I'm not doing this for some puerile reason. No, I don't hide because I'm afraid to get hurt. I just think this kind of attitude towards some people is necessary in order to get things done my way, which may or may not be entirely selfish. So we're not entirely on our way to being a sociopath.

This is not corruption. This is disillusionment. Or maybe some excuse to cover some deeper sentimentality that I'm harboring. I'm still brooding.

Or maybe I just want to sound deep. I was probably playing with words.I need some enlightenment.

zeitgeist

I just got out of my POS class. We watched a flick about elections here in the Philippines, with a hotchpotch of various commentaries and history. I had fun seeing these kinds of flick. You could actually learn besides enjoying them. Most of the stuff shown were quite familiar. Most of us probably know about the murders/assassinations Marcos did during elections. But the most of us probably didn't know the details.

Do you know about the man who was shot 4 times trying to protect a balot box full of votes, embracing it and running just to protect it? Or the NAMFREL volunteers who were shot dead? Or those who risked their lives walking out of the COMELEC's primary chamber for counting the ballots (I forgot the name of the place)? Probably, only a few of us know about these "small things" that really count big.

I always get this weird feeling (shivers?) whenever I see a people moving in the same direction and having the same goal. It's freaky and awesome. Such small acts somehow reflect what each of us should do to make our this country work. A priest in the movie said something like, "there has been change since EDSA". That really moved me a lot. I think the zeitgeist can be described in the same way.

And no, I'm not an idealist. I expect anarchy. I don't think everyone will be good and be concerned about the common good. Heck, I've read too much of Machiavelli to be this kind of psuedo-intellectual. I just think a movement of a collective is something awesome, something fantastic. Or to put it simply, something sacred. There's something romantic about becoming what we want to be as a people. It doesn't mean that that such a thing is always right.

I have thought of this before, but somehow my Philo teacher articulates it even better. He says that it is through this movement that the voice of God manifests. If you're not a Christian, better be one! No, just kidding. I think this same idea is applies to any religion. I remember that I once asked my religion teacher- a buddhist monk- back in high school about how the world was created. She told me that WE created it. I was perplexed and taken aback. But I think she probably meant the we were there in the beginning at the world's conception. Somehow, religions view this particular movement as something holy. This movement is not some abstract concept of holy things because it is born in human experience. This makes it even more worth celebrating.

Tell me this is happening right now.

morning express

I'm so exhausted after putting all those sticks beside our tree saplings. Oh, educate me about their importance please. Does it really help straightening those trees? Anyway, back on being pissed off. I rarely get into this mood so let's savor it. I must have sweat a gallon already. I need to see my doctor later today. With my pale face and and dried lips, a week's confinement won't be enough. I'm turning whiter and whiter now. Need *heavy breath* some *gasping* air. Gawd knows if I can even finish this entry. And! I need some neat shirt.

It feels as if a dementor sucked out the life in me. I can use a fresh shirt right this instant.

Let me give you a brief of what happened. I was late for POS class (for an exam!) so I had to run to the train station. Checked time at the station: 720. Got freaked a bit. Got out of Katipunan station. Checked time: 748. Got freaked a little more. Ran ran ran to the jeepney stop. Got the same one I had last Friday. The driver required my ID for discount. I had trouble rummaging through my stuff, and elbowed a few already irked passengers while doing this. Ran again to the tric stop near the bridge. I did the final sprint to Faura AVR and discovered that Ms. Vene gave a free cut. I thought, a free cut?! She was supposed to give us our exams today. Went to SS AVR and our usual classroom just to double check. It was indeed a free cut. I went through all those panic and trouble for nothing.

I bummed in the lib for half an hour, got to read about Islam extremists. These "religious" have corrupted even the most decent of minds. A teacher and a community leader. What kind of corruption do they practice? I want to know - and maybe try them on some fellas here.

Texted Philo group mates about the putting-the-sticks activity. Please tell me how stupid that sounds. At nine, we proceeded with this task. And what a task! Scorching sun and 31 sticks to plant. Imagine the labor.

Song of the day's probably Ironic by Alanis. Well we should give thanks to the world - or to You who sits up there wherever- for giving me this humorous experience. And yeah, thanks for letting me slack off a bit.

5 minutes to go before ISA class. He'll probably be handing out our first long test. Get me a decent grade.

5th dimension mask

It's been quite a week. Beside the usual tons of readings for Philo class, I had 2 freakin' long tests and a report. Thank God, tomorrow's a holiday, which is such a nice break from the perpetual ordeal of schoolwork- which should be "school/work" really. It was fun listening to new ideas but some exams are just over the edge. Teachers often trivialize exams to the point where you just have to memorize stuff. Thank God, not all courses I'm taking are about our would-be profession. We can really learn something that applies to everyone, more than stupid data centers and microchips.

I really don't have something special to talk about right now. I mean most of my thoughts are in my notebook anyway. What's the point of writing them again? Is it for other people? Not to be rude, but people reading others' stuff frequently have a notion that they know the writer, with just his words. But come on! This is just how I want to seem in this specific mode of existence.

...

Someone is exuding negativity. I really have had enough of this kid who feels as if he's a victim of the world. Come on, grow up you, you, you pesky little urchin! It was really unnerving talking to you. I mean, you actually look older than me, although you're still probably in your teens. If you happen to breeze through this part, forgive me for describing you in such scant words. It's just that I have had the same experience back in high school. And you're achingly getting into my nerves.

Things to look forward - or to dread - this weekend and next week. Tutoring, 1 movie, Philo paper results, ISA, POS exam results(!), real start of PM project.

Oh! I'm about to finish Rendezvous with Rama c/o Andie and Celestine Prophecy. Rama is way more fascinating than other sci-fi stuff. Must finish both by tomorrow. Jane Eyre will be up after these two, but I guess I'd begin by September. A lot of readings for Philo and other school stuff in queue - exams, projects, papers, exams again. This is absolute injustice.

Ha.. I just need something to push me to write whenever I'm in a let's-step-back-and-look-at-our-lives mood, when I really have something important to say. Or maybe this is another mask I want to wear. Or both. This mask thing really got into me after the lecture on hypocrisy in Philo class.

sabotage

Blogger got rid of my post last night. When I tried publishing it, blogger asked for my username and password again. Gaaah. I just have to re-type everything again I guess. Oh I'm in Faura lab right now. I'm the only one in the room so it's quite eerie. Hmm hmm hmm hmm! Ken's horror story got stuck in my head.

Two excerpt chapters and an entire book for Philo class. *BANG* the lab supervisor just made her entrance. Civilization at last. Let's get back on track. Yep, I read everything last Monday to Tuesday morning, with only 3 hours of sleep in between. That was due yesterday, just for one lecture! Readings were okay except that there were just a lot of them! Even if there's the weekend, can't he possibly imagine us living non-reading/non-school related lives?

Anywho, my entry last night was about the goings-on last weekend. Forgive my apathy about politics ladies and gentlemen.

-Friday. Went late for a GA for some ten minutes (I love the Dance Troupe), and a gang group thing for Kaingin. It was all okay except for the first. I just don't know most of them. And the gang group thing was a disaster! We were told to describe people in our gang. Stupid me ended up writing some flattering remarks for this certain someone. I shouldn't have written it! Must not draw attention.

- Went to Andie's after my first sabotage. Dug through her treasures of DVDs and finally got Devil's Advocate and The Godfather. It was raining heavily so I decided to stay some more hours. She tortured me with a classic film - literally black and white. Well, it was not so bad. The film was really funny, slapstick and the fast paced chit chat. And good Lord, all-American accent got me lost. I couldn't follow any dialogue.

She offered me an apple and honey snack half-way through watching the film, after I implied that I did not eat anything since the org stuff. How kind, I thought. Honey and apple seemed to be a great combination for a snack. But oh no! NO NO NO! The third slice of honey-coated apple chocked to death. I couldn't breath for some three minutes! And my dear friend just stood there handing me the mirror telling me how red I was while I choking to death. She was totally nonchalant about it. I eventually recovered. I finished a portion of the black and white movie, got the DVDs and left.

- Saturday afternoon was tutoring time. Everything was great except that we had to teach in cramped spaces. We taught the children their math and english lessons inside their houses. The kids were fine except for a few excessively timid ones. The Kaingin crowd was okay too. It's just that I still don't know most of them. I hope those kids did learn something from us.

-This is not another activity but I thought to write it down all the same. I didn't go to Romps's party. It was a good call because a certain dame whom I utterly detest was invited along with some more MIS peeps. And booze is not my kind of fun.

-Watched four movies. I am Sam(!), Patch Adams(!!), Devil's Advocate(!!!), The Godfather (oh yeah!). I was a bit annoyed that I didn't understand some of Don Carleon's murmured chit chats. He sounds like he's chewing words. Anyway, the movie was great. Corruption at its best. I am Sam was okay too but it's a bit mushy. Style was okay too. The mtv-like scenes with the lively music and the jerky camera were effective in capturing emotions. Patch Adams was a good flick too, though it borders on the same mushiness as I am Sam. I got a warm feeling after watching it. The Devil's Advocate and The Godfather were the ones that really tackles this corrupt world. They sure are two good movies.

Oh, sister passed her exams and would be leaving for a 5-year study/work in Canada. University of Toronto come this October I think. I would be left alone soon. We'll see if that would be a good thing for me. I think I've forgiven her already, not that I want to seem like I'm the victim in our long enduring war. I just that I think I'm okay with all that have happened between us. But I'm still as irked as before whenever she does what she wants despite others objecting.

Now I'm here in Faura Lab making some sense of what I just have written down. I'll be going to my dentist later. I hope she wouldn't debate me about GMA issue again. She gets too passionate and edgy whenever we do. She tends to jerk those dentist tools in my mouth whenever that happens.

metamorphosis/psychosis

Nothing deep really. I just want to talk about Philo class, which I still love despite tons of workload. Father David just has his way of getting into people's heads I think. Whatever we talk about in class does apply to how we live. I mean more than those superfluous and exaggerated lessons on citizenship, he adds other real-life stuff that makes the lessons strike home. Whenever I leave the class, I strangely feel like I know what to do with my life. Okay maybe that's giving him too much credit, but the class has that sort of effect on me. And only a few teachers really have that effect on me.

More than the feeling the need to change, I feel that I want to and I'm ready for it. I really need that. For a time I've been in that hopeless state. Now, I'm definitely ready for change. I have had enough obsessing about the past and all those bad things today that remind me of of it.

I believe I've changed a lot. My friends would probably think otherwise. I never colored my hair or got taller even an inch. I still got my braces and I'm still quiet around new people, and still noisy around familiar crowd. What they don't see is the way I think know. Not that I'm smarter or anything, but that the issues I used to obsessed about in the past have lost their importance. My attitude towards how to live has changed profoundly I think. I'm losing the bitterness I've felt for a long long long time. I'm better.