I won't be surprised if I just pass out at any moment now...

I didn't sleep at all!!! I got home around 9 pm- had dinner and some telly that finished at around 11. Then, pronto, placed all reading stuff at the sofa then sat down for some 2 hours. Got all groggy so I fixed my self a cup o' coffee and a slice of cake. Popped into normal existence then began my Poli Sci reflection paper. Sana B man lang!!! I finished around 7- got all panicky, tapped the showers, dressed up, and scurried off to the train .

At the train. Caffeinne in bloodstream wearing off. Two big- the fat construction worker built- men on both of my side. Was nodding off to sleep and got all jerky! sort of hit my head to the man at my left, got the guts to laught my ass off- I imagined myself getting all sleepy and jerky. People were actually a bit annoyed looking at me- must have looked totally wasted- Hey I don't even drink?! Got out of the train and luckily got to POS class alive. God is good.

I believe I'll spent the rest of the day sleeping. This is my second time to do this sort of thing. Ha! I should have a name for it. Uhm what about energizer days- nah that would be too geeky. Need something more unique...

Anyway, I'm at Faura Lab in front of the screen- Damn I could've had gone home! Anyway the good boy in me tells me I should stay For ISA class.

I'm quite ok now. Blogging really helps a lot!!! Oh I think it's also because of the tons of bread I ate at the Caf! They didn't tell me extra slices of bread would mean 4 slices. My eyes must have popped out seeing those piles of slices- and it's breakfast, should be small serving!

I still have some 3 more hours to burn until an org commitment- and yes I'm capable of such. Got nothing better to do so I decided to doodle something here hoping that some brilliance emerges.

Really, when you get to wait a century for something to happen, you tend to miss the important stuff- that's not a belief but an experience. Moments after your seeming boredom- or even months after- you realize that you've indeed missed something very important. Thus, I'm not bored- I'm missing the point of experience. To some, this something may perhaps be an assignment, a problem to be reflected on, an existential conundrum, your bills, or your thought-of life. The point is I'm not bored.

Writing really alleviates that nausea- that experience of thinking I should get to the next point of the timeline, that this point of time's nonesense. Translation: boredom, angst, residue of modernity- I really like that terminology. Something's always up, and we're missing most of it. We're missing the beauty of experience because it is that next point in the timeline we're concerened- not that it's bad but that It's what keeps you breathing. The next point is 430 pm.

That whole which you think you belong is all about the agglomeration of hundreds of those next points. Reality tell us that anything- a line for instance- is but a collection of infinite points. This is why when we experience that being in between the points, we get nauseated. There's no such thing as a life based on such agglomeration. But it's an option if you want to point to something you call your life. Enough of embracing it. Reclaim grace.

Ok. Enough of this. I feel like I'd be making things up if I continue.

Honestly, I should spend more time in thinking about what matters to us people- not some genuinely wierd problems which only concerns myself. I am of this society; I must think in terms of such. I'm not exclusively me after all.

...

Tidings of great delight- or not. Yes, I actually have a life. I'm not the only one who get that feeling of not being understood or not being thought of whenever talking to the multi purpose whiz. Apparently, her flatmate seemed to be as irked as I am- though occasional only in my case-whenever she talks about her nonsense. I should not elaborate- she'd probably wrestle me to death if she finds out i'm actually writing about her issue- and she's very capable of wrestling any guy she chooses. hehe! I mean she's great but she tends to listen too much to herself when you speak to her- never caring what the other experiences.

Teach's a charlatan. Drawing the conclusion that it's because of the inefficient CSIs that Filipinos don't get proper justice is just too lame. And his support information are just too saturated with what they show in the telly- that, I swear, any educated person would dismiss his theories immediately after hearing them. Man, teach your techie stuff. And please, I don't believe the physics stuff about static electricity being more manifest at ground level. And he didn't even explain it! He said you guys should review your physics. I mean if you really know, why don't you explain?! You may perhaps be someone on your field, but please don't talk about other stuff- you'd probably look stupid if you mention any of those notions to your colleages. Then again, I may be wrong.

Another important thing! My Poli Sci class will end before october! This is sacrilege! Just when I started really involving myself in serious discourse about our society, you announced ending this beneficial subject soon?! Give me the daily fast! Teach's taking a month of break to prepare leaving the country come november to take her doctorate in the U.S.- not sure if it's really there though. I really should start my independent education about this country.

I didn't attend my Theo and SCM class earlier today. I actually woke up at 6 am. I chose not to go to class because I figured to just read my Ethics stuff. I thought nothing serious is up in those two subject. Right? wrong. They had a bonus quiz in theo and I guess a series of lecture in SCM. Damn! Whenever I decide to be lazy something bad comes up! Half the class was absent in theo, which is why Teach gave them a bonus quiz. And, the quiz was all about the lecture she gave last tuesday!!! I know I can get at least some 8 points if I attended the class!

...

And so on and so forth. I'd be going to the Lib or to Mateo to get some company- either, animate or inanimate. You, PC, is neither. I need some serious counseling. Oh and I finished reading a little more than half of the Half Blood Prince. A PDF copy of the book has been circulating around the web since sunday! this is totally unfair! I mean I'm pro-piracy when it comes to movies- especially if it's a third world we're talking of- but books are different. I'll think of further arguments, you see and wait. hehe!

We just finished our case study in supply chain management- to be presented tomorrow in class. I can't believe We finished our third strategy in just 20 minutes over the phone. Until now, I really thought such thing's impossible. I must admit my partner's a bit enthusiastic to do the case- He started it right after it was given to us. I mean who in their right- or lazy- mind would do such thing?! Anyway, most of my job was to provide ideas to create new strategies, check incosistencies, and suggest other concepts. I will not get into details- I suspect you don't want me too either. We'll be reporting tomorrow, and then I'll have my recitation in Ethics class- God help me!

I got home late this night with my mom on the rocking chair saying that "Sis" has bought me a key chain. She bought it in Canada after her exams I guess. I was like, oh please! I'm not a 5 year old kid to believe that blatant lie. I mean, come one! My sister giving me something? It was a bit normal back then when I was in gradeschool, but now- with all the necessary wars waged- I think I will even refrain from entertaining thoughts of my sister being all magnanimous. I mean, to me? come on! Now they're chatting at the dining table and I feel them noticing me hearing snippets of their chit chat. I'm glad they're having that casual talk- it's not normal these days- at least in this household. Mom and I also got some tea and sympathy moment at the dining table- was actually quite comforting.

...

I finished reading the first 11 chapters of the Half Blood Prince! I was reading 8 hours non-stop yesterday- well except for the occasional water and snack breaks. It's definitely addictive! Yes I am a bit of a slow reader I guess. I know someone who read the entire book in just 6 hours! believe it! Quite fascinating actually. If only I'm that fast perhaps I wouldn't feel encumbered by the tons of readings Sir David assigns. I actually read books 2 and 3 in just three days- So I guess I'm just trying to slow down to really get the feel of Half Blood Prince. Ok. Whatever.

...

I still haven't submitted my aegis requirements- surprise surprise! And I'm required to pay them 600 pesos already on wednesday- I can only work on tuesday! Really, what kind of laborious things they do that justify their fines? Nothing right? Probably they just bum around and wait for our stuff! They're probably not even finished with encoding everything- So come on?! And they're volunteers!200 pesos per day late?! So much for justifying my tardiness... hehe!

I still have tons to read for philo due tomorrow, so I guess I'll end here. I really need some serious help for tomorrow's grave endeavors. Really, someone help! haha!

Just done attending our "exciting" MIS131. Really, Am I the only one who laments his jokes? To be fair, he's more than the average CS teacher- So we'll give him some credits for that. Lessons are okay too- and I'm not being sarcastic about this, mind you.

I'm at faura lab right now buring some 30 minutes. By 1230, I'll be eating. I'll have a case study later with romps. It's for our supply chain class, then a practise with Celadon dance troupe. Then some more later, I'll have some 50 page to read for my ethics class. Life's exciting especially when you share it with "nice" people. School's great. I wrote something like this yesterday in my PM class. I wrote I don't hate school, I hate the people, afterwards I regretted writing it. I was actually wearing a smile- a genuine one- after the PM class. I tend to hate people then realize I'm being unjust- that indeed I enjoy most of the peep's company. Probably some chemical imbalance- Definitely need some chocolates.

...

On other news, I didn't pass the CADS audition last monday. Everything was fucked up. I didn't know that the last day for auditions was that munday- the day I applied. I was wearing jeans, freaked out even before that actual audition, I was with Sarah who was all dressed up to dance. I was actually confident before our audition timeslot- I was actually doing great on my moves. But, when we were called in the audition room, I totally lost all confidence. There was about 7-8 judges almost sneering at us. Then I froze. The song began with me still petrified. I knew right away that I wouldn't get in. Got some catharsis going on behind the chapel after my audition. That was my last chance.

I still feel a bit sad about that but I'm better now. I was actually a bit surprised with myself braving the auditions. I've changed. I don't fear too often about stuff too often these days. Sarah got in- I still don't know about her second audition though- and I'm really happy for her. We actually talked each other to audition for this year last year- She told me Pangarap natin to. I think I'd be looking for a dance company right after graduation, I'm not yet giving up the talent I know I have. No use drowning in details of my failure right now. I'l do what I can with what I have where I am. I wasn't able to pull it off because shame overwhelmed me.

...

We'll be having a planting activity tomorrow 6 am. I still don't know much about the virtues my groupmates have. You got that right, We're suppossed to think that we are a city where virtues are being practiced. Our 15 page paper should also be aristotelian- mimicing the way he writes about the athenian virtues. Still a bit clueless. Most of my entries- believe it or not we're supposed to footnote ourselves- in the log book just describe the group thing that happened for each day. I haven't written a single entry since monday. Be doing that later.

...

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince tomorrow! I'm too excited I can't even fart! hehe!

I wrote this during my internship- I was doing nothing and everyone was out for lunch. Air conditioned room at the 32nd floor, lights out, no sounds... I just think this one's beautiful:

But there's something more that points to that which gives us meaning- it's not that which is a semblance of the transcendental - not that things have purpose, but that we are turned to each other and thus, the conception of a whole. There's something more! No one can ba a superman for he us related to beings and thus given significance. Conception of this (superman) is just in the mind. Experientially, this is impossible. Not purpose in the strands (of the great tapestry) but the light we awaken in all beings. We are beings in Being.

Mainly thoughts so there's a lot of wrong stuff in the writing, but I think it conveys what I mean. It probably sounds like something directly pulled out of a philosophy lecture- But I really feel strong resonance with this thought.

It happened yesterday during our project management class. She asked me what am I good at, then she gave me the book An Enemy Called Average. I was rather on the defensive right away. She gave me that feeling again when I thought I've resolved that problem.

Ok. She thinks I'm average? Or drowning in self pity. I was infuriated because she may be telling the truth after all. That depresses me a lot. Got into a self-obsession- the usual questions like like Am I that useless, etc. I really think I'm not excelling much in anything significant after all. So maybe that's why I got on the defensive right away. Rachel must have suffered my eternal complaints and criticisms against that girl I used to admire.

I mean she's a Christian and all. And she must really feel special being such. I remember that feeling of really having some connection to a greater whole. I guess I don't have that now. But I have another track- my first entry as reference. I won't extrapolate on it here. I feel like I'd lose that focus if I advertise it to everyone. But I think the path I've chosen is good too. I just need some convincing that I'd be great on it. I should never begin my path in some abstraction but on lived reality.

Perhaps those two things bother me most. She reminds me of the former and I think- or feel rather- that I'm still insufficient for the latter. I need some serious discernment. I guess I have Rory to thank for that. I really don't buy these Christian authors eclat.

Maybe her purpose of lending me the book is not to point out my being average, but what I feel as my being not good- on my own standards. Maybe it's motivation for excellence not based on standards and deviation but based on what I feel I could do to feel that I'm at my best.

A clear evidence of that is that I don't admire her based on comparisson, but based on how she sees herself. I think we all need that introspection.

...

I still don't know what to write in my philo logbook- let alone something to doodle on that 15 page paper which is only based on a four hour activity!!!

GMA's 10 cabinet members have resigned. They are also convincing her to resign. Still don't know how to assess this but I agree on the resignation part.

Tried calling everyone from my mock-flock. To no success, I only got to talk to 1 out of 5 of 'em. I was rehearsing what I'm supposed to tell them when I realized how retarded I am! Got a sudden rush of desperation then I dialed the the first set of numbers, the phone rings!- this is for real! Then my heart rate jumped to somewhere near 190 beat a minute. A "hello" bursted out of the phone! Oh my God! It's actually from the phone!

Then I said: "Hlow yis pis e-eric frown Celon, kinai shpeak to jaeydiii pleeeese?" The person seemed to have understood me- might be that she has braces herself. Then at last to JD. Normal talk except for my unusual exclamations- still weird. Okay phone down. Next number please. Still quaking. Luckily- or otherwise for my other self- 2 wasn't answering, 1 was not home, 1 was a wrong number...

Why am I like this?!! Loner eric using the phone for casual talks just freaks me out! Add to that, I don't know who's on the other end of the phone line! I need some serious education on socialization! Why haven't I used the phone for some friendly talks in highschool?- Hell, that's not even a question. Hehe!

I think I've overcame live people-phobia (what do you call it?! Not agoraphobia ryt?) but talking with someone you don't know and don't see is totally something else. I was literally rehearsing my lines before I dialled the first number!

....

I have finally made my stand about current happenings in this country. Legislators should pursue the impeachment- to know the truth and to address the concerns of those who believe in our being a democracy, or to insist the resignation of the president- not through mob-means definitely. All actions should be constitutional, otherwise there'd be anarchy. I stamp a "?" to the Filipino people varied groups refer to when talking about their own opinions. How dare you assign a government of your own choice?! Only after this conflict should we really have a new revolution- change the system! Changing the president would only entail the same conflicts- or it's just the first phase to change.

We have a responsibility of upholding correctness if we really want change? What "we" were you talking about when you said we have done this before and we can do this again? please!

Nothing exceptional to write about. So, anyway maybe this can be a way for me to interpret my subconscious some day in the future- Like how my psych teach made us draw a person... Anyway uli.

Woke up 7oo am. Got some bread and oatmeal for breakfast. Was raining hard- super lakas as in!

I was late for theo class this morning. We had the usual group discussion about the assigned reading. As expected, some more discussion for the entire class after the group discussion. And whoa! People really got into the discussion about faith as something communal. Apparently Ms. Beadle was a recent Catholic convert- arguing that the subjective aspect of faith is the essential thing. Got all cathartic and stuff while some devoute countered Ms. Beadle's argument. There was this hourse-faced barbie who seemed rather smug while discussing her point against Ms. Beadle. Hated her immediately. Ok maybe I'm being illogical, but then, can't they be more collected? Whatever. Liked the way the Ms. Rosana handled everything. Maybe people should do this more for the entire class to be more involved and productive. And ooh! Mr. programmer's a self-proclaimed atheist. I wonder if he really meant saying that. Some of us got conceptions of cosmic proportions that I don't want to write about them here- maybe soon.

Oh did I mention that I was soaked waist down when I entered theo class? Was quite refreshing actually. Weird. But aren't we all? Braved the mad weather going to Xavier Hall to pay my tution but decided otherwise because of the long queue. Entered supply chain class, our "favourite class"- emphasis of the "". Totally boring. But I'm still thankful that it's not totally like Loven's class . We definitely learned something. Still, why does he have to teach like we're in some Psychiatric ward?- Him being the patient of course. Now, why am I being mean? Maybe there's something about not having to do anyting. Well maybe I'm being rash judging him this early in the semester. And whoa! A case study and saturday class?! Be having a whole day of class next saturday.

We got dismissed some 10 mins early. We ran for some snacks and hurried for philo class but Sr. David was not present- and we'll probably have a class this saturday. Well, we'll hear everyting from him on thursday- I hope he'd cancelled the saturday class!

Finally I got to pay my tuition fee in Xavier. Got on the train at around 1139- still soaking wet at this time. Got home and stayed online forever.

Now. I'm about to have dinner. Oh and did I menion sis flyinmg for Canada tom to take her exams. I don't know what to say. Uhm. Bye? I plan not to talk to her until I'm about 60. hehe!

Anyway. Why do I write all this mundane stuff? Well maybe I could find something meaningful when I read it soon. Because it's always me trying for IT to show itself. maybe I should look for it instead. It used to be a daily thing before. Listening to Oasis now. And be eating and doing some school stuff later.

We'll probably go to Nueva Ecija this saturday or sunday. "WE" is such a comforting word to use. Death seems a casual thing until it shows itself in front of you. Something to reflect upon. "I" is never experienced as a separation. I only hope that in the face of death, people look beyond their own head. The semblance of the world being a finitude melts down in the face of death. The word change is not strong enough.

Some cool new songs:
Oasis- Lyla, Rascal Flatts- Feels Like Today (a bit unpoetic but what the hell), Rascal Flatts- God Bless The Broken Roads (Hope I can sing this song)

I didn't know what to think or how to feel when I received messages about the death of my highschool english teacher early this afternoon. I was at Landbank when I read everything. He died of colon cancer and heart disease last tuesday. His body- God I don't want to say "he"- will be buried tomorrow in Nueva Ecija. I guess everyone is still as shocked as I am to this moment.

I have never missed him whenever I try to conjure up memories of highschool- He was definitely always there. Our experince of him is very intact to my memories; from the time he introduced himself to our class, to the time we said goodbyes. I really don't want to spoil my memories of him. I'll stop here. This is not just some desperation to make sense of his life- this is trying to comprehend what he had been to us.

One thing I specially remember about him is his eyes. Eyes that have known real loneliness. I remember him always being jovial and funy, but I have never missed his eyes whenever he makes us laugh. I guess I can say he has succeeded in trying to make that link between people and himself- myself as a live witness. I guess I have that connection with him- knowing how he had always felt.

He beleived in us. He believed in me! I felt that! I should know that only one in a thousand teachers can do that! I have never believed in myself the way he did. He was happy when we passed those college entrance exams. He taught us eagerly... He talked to us about what we think- even of our lives and dreams.

Perhaps all of this are exaggerated claims. But his life- even having those eyes- being this much meaningful to us, is a real inspiration.

...

Have you known real loneliness? I must admit that even the memory of which renders me incapable of connecting to other people. But I must aspire to make sense of my life through others- the same way my teacher did. After all, that's the only meaningful thing we can do with our lives.

...

Be planning to go to Nueva Ecija on sunday or next friday. Be meeting Ka tom to plan everything.